Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found a pregnancy test....

259 replies

Dad2cats · 16/05/2023 09:19

OK, so not sure what to do here. My wife and I have been together for over 10 years, married for 5. Last week I opened her bedside drawer looking for some antihistamines and at the back found a 2 pack of pregnancy tests, with one missing, assume used. I should also mention that I had a vasectomy over 15 years ago and whilst our sex life may not be the whirlwind it was when we were younger, we still average 1-2 times a week.
We don't have kids, none of her girlfriends live close by and whilst I keep telling myself there must be an innocent explanation, I'm really struggling to find one.
It's eating me up inside and whilst I know I should simply ask her, I'm worried that whatever she says will either "make it true" or I won't believe her and then it's "out" and I don't know how we come back from that.
I'm also thinking of the wider implications, we're in (what I thought was) a trusting relationship and so haven't used protection since shortly after we got together. Now all I can think is was this a one off? Is it a regular thing? Is she having regular unprotected sex with someone else? Doesn't that also put me at risk from STIs?
Not sure where to turn, can't really speak to friends or family, what do I do?

OP posts:
MandyMotherOfBrian · 16/05/2023 11:37

sillyonehetpes · 16/05/2023 10:55

Omg the shoe would be on the other foot if this was a guy.

You are going to have to ask her.

It really doesn't take a Herculean effort of critical thinking to see why the two scenarios are very, very different.

PelvicFlora · 16/05/2023 11:38

It blows my mind that the advice on this thread is overwhelmingly in favour of a man who's had an irreversible vasectomy, just completely ignoring the fact that his wife has been taking secret pregnancy tests.

LogicVoid · 16/05/2023 11:38

I did the same. Including the bedside cabinet. I was worried about vasectomy failure. I was actually starting perimenopause and my periods became more and more erratic after that. Never told my husband as I felt there was no point worrying him.

SheilaFentiman · 16/05/2023 11:39

ditalini · 16/05/2023 11:29

Look, you do you, but it would never cross my mind to have a conversation along the lines of "shit do you think it might have reversed itself?" when I didn't even know whether I was pregnant or not - hence pregnancy test if your period is late.

It's totally normal and fine for you to have these conversations with your dp, but it's also totally normal and fine for other people not to.

Show quote history

Exactly this. Your period is late, you buy the test, do the test, it’s negative, the worry about spontaneous reversal goes away, you never mention it because you aren’t feeling “oh shit, what if?” any more.

Same as if you felt flu-ey and did a covid test just in case - you might or might not mention a negative.

RandyMiceDavies · 16/05/2023 11:39

I took a pregnancy test the other day when my period was late, despite being on the pill and almost certainly too old to have a baby anyway. It's a sensible thing to rule pregnancy out, even if you know the chances of being pregnant are tiny.

Porkandbeans1 · 16/05/2023 11:41

Sure ask her but I have taken pregnancy tests even though I know I'm infertile. I have occasionally had symptoms that have been very similar to those you get in early pregnancy and although it's incredible unlikely it's not impossible.

MySugarBabyLove · 16/05/2023 11:41

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 16/05/2023 11:34

This is really weird. There must be a massive back story. Why don’t you trust your wife? Vasectomies fail (and yes, I have read your update, but even if the likelihood of failure is low it is not zero). Women miss periods and they take pregnancy tests to rule out the possibility, even if it is very unlikely. I do not understand how your brain has jumped beyond this perfectly reasonable explanation.

It’s far more likely that she’s having an affair than the vasectomy has failed. Op absolutely is not wrong for considering this.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 16/05/2023 11:42

Jellifulfruit · 16/05/2023 11:36

ok I’m a bit confused. Together just over 10 years, vasectomy 15 years ago but both discussed this procedure…? Not slating, just trying to understand the timeline

I noticed the same, Jellifulfruit
TBF OP did say they been together "over 10 years", but some clarification would be good

Felixoo · 16/05/2023 11:42

I think men don't understand , your period comes once a month. Mine only stopped when I was pregnant so it being late yes is anxiety inducing even if rationally it's not possible.
Having an unwanted pregnancy is horrible imagine if you waited and it got too late to do anything about it.

Red0 · 16/05/2023 11:43

Hopefully she was having symptoms/period was late and despite knowing you had a vasectomy, she just wanted to confirm. Maybe strange that she didn’t mention it at the time, but you would have to ask her when she did the test and why she didn’t tell you at the time. I bet there’s an innocent explanation. I would’ve thought if it was a big secret she wouldn’t have just kept the packet in her bedside drawer.
How you go about asking her, is just an another occasion go looking for the antihistamines and act like you’ve just happened upon the test at that moment and see her reaction. Don’t go in all accusatory, just act surprised. I would’ve thought it’s all quite innocent. Well I hope for your sake!
if she starts saying it’s a friends then I would have suspicions.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 16/05/2023 11:43

samsmum2 · 16/05/2023 11:31

This! I've just come off another thread where there were signs that the husband might be cheating, and the whole thread erupted with LTB, they're red flags, he's definitely cheating etc. What an unbalanced place MN is.

Show quote history

Because pregnancy symptoms can happen even if you haven't had sex. So it's not indicative of affair.

Aaaaandbreathe · 16/05/2023 11:43

mindutopia · 16/05/2023 09:33

And please don't check her phone! A woman of fertile age taking a pregnancy test does not warrant that level of invasion of privacy. If you are concerned, just talk to her, but raise it as a genuine concern that you are worried that she might be pregnant in the context of your relationship.

Agreed.

SheilaFentiman · 16/05/2023 11:43

PelvicFlora · 16/05/2023 11:38

It blows my mind that the advice on this thread is overwhelmingly in favour of a man who's had an irreversible vasectomy, just completely ignoring the fact that his wife has been taking secret pregnancy tests.

Women on this thread are reporting experiences of doing tests for peace of mind. If you’ve never done that, good for you. But many of us have.

I took four tests in a cycle a few months back - I’m on the pill and in my forties. The period never actually showed up that month but did the next month. Some peri bullshit, I assume. I definitely didn’t rationally need to take 4 tests, but I did, emotionally!

thedancingbear · 16/05/2023 11:44

The vasectomy failure rate is around 1 in 500.

The rate at which women and men have affairs is far higher than this.

The fact that the OP's wife has not mentioned anything about taking a pregnancy test is in itself unusual.

Of course he has grounds to be suspicious. What I will say that, if she is having an affair, there is probably a backstory to her relationship with the OP.

gamerchick · 16/05/2023 11:44

allthewoes · 16/05/2023 09:28

I would assume her period was just late and she thought she should check just in case (people have got pregnant after vasectomies!)

This. I've done it and my bloke had the snip multiple decades ago. Although he did attempt reversals both sides so I got a bit heebied. Periods can go a bit wonky as you get older. It's habit to just POAS.

Why don't you ask her, you obviously need to get it out your head. But no, it doesn't mean she's messing about.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 16/05/2023 11:44

If she were having some symptoms and went to the doctor, the first question the doctor will ask is 'any chance you could be pregnant?' And, given how long it takes to get to see a doctor these days, the last thing anyone wants is to be sent away to do a test and 'come back when you've had the results'. So going in able to say 'nope, absolutely no chance whatsoever, now, what's wrong with me?' would be sensible.

DogsInPyjamas · 16/05/2023 11:44

I know a couple of women who have taken pregnancy tests even though their partner has had a vasectomy and they were not having an affair. As a woman, unless you’re post menopause, pregnancy is always in the back of your mind no matter how unlikely. I can’t imagine not mentioning the fact thsg I was taking one to my partner, but everyone is different.

She could of course be having an affair. I hope that isn’t the case.

You’re going to need to talk to her.

Jemandthehologramsunite · 16/05/2023 11:45

This thread is so interesting in the doublestandards ... 🤣

ThatAbsoluteFkr · 16/05/2023 11:45

PelvicFlora · 16/05/2023 11:38

It blows my mind that the advice on this thread is overwhelmingly in favour of a man who's had an irreversible vasectomy, just completely ignoring the fact that his wife has been taking secret pregnancy tests.

Because they can fail? And it's her body?

And she doesn't need to share her concerns about pregnancy until she actually knows she is pregnant.

Why does he automatically think she's cheating?

She has an active sex life, twice a week. Even with a vasectomy that is reason enough to rule out pregnancy if her period is late.

The Dr's would do the same thing if she visited.

99p test from B&m and her worry is gone

Redebs · 16/05/2023 11:46

Dad2cats · 16/05/2023 10:10

Thanks for the replies so far.
Possibly more detail than most would want to know but in the interests of completeness, at the time of having it done, I was given 2 choices, simple snip (just cut the tube, cauterize and sew it closed), or snip & fold (as per previous but the the tubes are folded back on themselves and sewn in that position - a bit like folding over a flexi straw and stapling in place) - not official terminology, just how I remember it. I was told that the effectiveness of the "standard" option was extremely high but also left the possibility to have it surgically reversed at a later date if i changed my mind, the second option was not reversible surgically or otherwise as the tubes reversed on themselves would be shortened eventually fuse with the scarring facing back on itself.
Worth noting that my wife is fully aware of the above as we discussed at length some years ago.
So I'm still stuck with that one, if she genuinely thought that my vasectomy might have failed, why would she not say anything and why would she continue to have unprotected sex with me?
In terms of going through her phone however, I'm not that guy so no, I won't be doing that.
@AlanJohnsonsBeemer - thank you, this is the angle I hadn't been able to see, hopefully you're right :)
@mindutopia - you're probably also right and I'm jumping to conclusions (more a reflection of me than of her)
I guess the question now is, how on earth do I broach the subject? :|

Maybe she had a late period, so bought some tests. She did one and it was negative, so she's no worries about unprotected sex with you now.

How old are these tests? What's the expiry date? This might have been long ago

BadNomad · 16/05/2023 11:46

If she is having an affair, she's not being very bright keeping the tests in a drawer beside the bed where her husband knows she keeps the antihistamines.

PelvicFlora · 16/05/2023 11:46

This reminds me of those threads where an OP finds condoms in her husband's overnight bag and everyone bends over backwards to explain it as him indulging in 'posh wanks'.

GoodChat · 16/05/2023 11:48

@ThatAbsoluteFkr his mind went straight to cheating because he couldn't think of another rational explanation.

Now it's been explained to him, he understands, but he still needs confirmation from her that that's the reason why she has the tests, because it's only one possible explanation and there are other possible explanations.

He shouldn't just ignore any concerns he has.

MandyMotherOfBrian · 16/05/2023 11:48

PelvicFlora · 16/05/2023 11:18

I wasn’t having sex though, I didn’t have a partner at the time and hadn’t had sex all year. I still went out and bought a test

This is bonkers. Why? Are you Mary?

Well that clearly demonstrates the visceral fear, no matter how unfounded, that some woman feel at the prospect of facing an unwanted pregnancy.
I've been in peri for a few years, with stop start periods sometimes months apart, and DH is on medication that means he is extremely unlikely to be producing effective sperm. Hasn't stopped me from buying more pregnancies tests this side of 50 than I ever bought the other side.

Feraldogmum · 16/05/2023 11:48

My sugarbabylove, surely no ( or very few)women having an affair would be stupid enough to leave a pregnancy test where it can be found. It’s a slightly different case if a man is found with condoms that he doesn’t use with his wife isn’t it. Newsflash,men don’t get pregnant.

I think it would be more damning if op found birth control pills or condoms.

It may well be that she is having symptoms so is worried she’s pregnant, also she may be having symptoms of early menopause which can be confused with pregnancy . The only thing OP can do is ask and decide if he believes what she says. Unfortunately for OP this is not a matter with a clearcut answer, unless he opted for the non reversible option which he has not stated, in this case it would look like yes,she’s been playing away.

He doesn’t mention any problems in the relationship but he also doesn’t say whose decision it was to not have children .There is another possibility,finding herself older she has decided she does want kids after all and maybe knowing hubby doesn’t,is taking matters into her own hands.

Swipe left for the next trending thread