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Original poster

Found a pregnancy test....

259 replies

Dad2cats · 16/05/2023 09:19

OK, so not sure what to do here. My wife and I have been together for over 10 years, married for 5. Last week I opened her bedside drawer looking for some antihistamines and at the back found a 2 pack of pregnancy tests, with one missing, assume used. I should also mention that I had a vasectomy over 15 years ago and whilst our sex life may not be the whirlwind it was when we were younger, we still average 1-2 times a week.
We don't have kids, none of her girlfriends live close by and whilst I keep telling myself there must be an innocent explanation, I'm really struggling to find one.
It's eating me up inside and whilst I know I should simply ask her, I'm worried that whatever she says will either "make it true" or I won't believe her and then it's "out" and I don't know how we come back from that.
I'm also thinking of the wider implications, we're in (what I thought was) a trusting relationship and so haven't used protection since shortly after we got together. Now all I can think is was this a one off? Is it a regular thing? Is she having regular unprotected sex with someone else? Doesn't that also put me at risk from STIs?
Not sure where to turn, can't really speak to friends or family, what do I do?

OP posts:
GMsAWinner · 16/05/2023 11:13

Like many others, I'm thinking she's taken one for reassurance.

I guess up until this point, you've totally trusted her but naturally you'll be a bit more alert to her movements/social arrangements now, so slightest chance there is something going on, you'll pick it up as something you might have overlooked before, just won't add up now.

HarrietStyles · 16/05/2023 11:14

My husband had a vasectomy 6 years as we had 4 children and didn’t want any more. Last year I had a really late period, weeks late and I panicked. I didn’t want to worry my husband unnecessarily, so I bought a pack of tests and tested before speaking to him. Thankfully not pregnant and I still have a spare one in the bathroom cabinet. I would presume totally innocent. As others have said if someone had taken a test after a pregnancy scare with an affair, I very much doubt they would leave one test in a bedside drawer.

ImustLearn2Cook · 16/05/2023 11:14

I’ve had a doctor insist I take a pregnancy test to rule it out before investigating medical issue further even though I assured him it was impossible as I was celibate for over a year.

I thought it was a bit stupid at the time but they probably have their reasons or just have to follow procedure.

If I suspected a partner of cheating I would be communicating with them honestly and paying attention to how they respond.

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 16/05/2023 11:15

Just another perspective

I'm 52, I've been sterilisation
Husband 56, he had a vasectomy

My periods have just stopped, dead.

Now I know it's probably the menopause and the chanes of being pregnant as so very very slim, but I'm considering a pregnancy test, just in case.

Could she feel this way?

I think you should just ask her

Wheresthebeach · 16/05/2023 11:15

I really don't think she'd leave a test in the bedside table if she was cheating.

Prob just late and wanted to check.

WonderingWanda · 16/05/2023 11:17

Is she taking or about to take a new medication? Dr's will often insist you take a pregnancy test before starting certain medications if you are of childbearing age.

Also, are you certain they are pregnancy tests and not ovulation tests, maybe she is tracking her cycle because it has become irregular.

Another idea is maybe a friend has used them at your house?

You've jumped straight to assuming she might be cheating which is of course also a valid consideration. Is there anything else about your relationship that would point towards this? Does she go out a lot on her own, are you both childfree through choice? Does she seem happy?

PelvicFlora · 16/05/2023 11:18

I wasn’t having sex though, I didn’t have a partner at the time and hadn’t had sex all year. I still went out and bought a test

This is bonkers. Why? Are you Mary?

RunningRunningRunningRunningRunning · 16/05/2023 11:21

She probably had a late period and felt weird, so she tested, menopause symptoms can be confused for pregnancy symptoms. It is possible for a vasectomy to reverse even after many years. It's a tiny chance but if I was having pregnancy symptoms/missing periods it'd be the first thing I'd do and the first thing any doctor would rule out if you were still child bearing age. I think it's sad your mind went straight to her cheating, you don't think very highly of her.

YukoandHiro · 16/05/2023 11:22

If she's very late she's wise to check as vasectomies can fail. She may just be ruling everything out before seeing the doctor about a menstrual issue.

YukoandHiro · 16/05/2023 11:23

"Totally agree, you obviously don’t think very highly of your wife if your first thought was an affair!"

I think that's a bit of a stretch - I think most men are really fucking ignorant about reproductive health tbh. He's jumping to that conclusion because he literally doesn't realise there are any others.

PelvicFlora · 16/05/2023 11:25

Also am I literally the only poster who thinks this is a bit dodgy.

OP, I don't know what your relationship with your wife is like, but if it was DH who'd had the snip and I was concerned I might be pregnant, I'd be having a conversation with him along the lines of 'shit, do you think it might have reversed itself?'

The secrecy and the silence around it feels off to me. I can't blame you for having suspicions. It is suspicious. Maybe there's a reasonable explanation. But on the face of it, on the facts, it feels a bit of an overreach to assume she thinks she's pregnant by you - even though you've been told it's impossible - and hasn't thought to mention it.

I also wonder if there's a bit more to the background of this. Were you really just innocently 'looking for antihistamines'? We keep ours in the bathroom cabinet where anyone who needs one can grab one. Was there another reason you were going through her drawers?

FFF3 · 16/05/2023 11:26

You don’t broach it unless she does. I might take a pregnancy test if my period is late without notifying my husband - even if there was little chance of actually having conceived.

YukoandHiro · 16/05/2023 11:26

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 16/05/2023 11:15

Just another perspective

I'm 52, I've been sterilisation
Husband 56, he had a vasectomy

My periods have just stopped, dead.

Now I know it's probably the menopause and the chanes of being pregnant as so very very slim, but I'm considering a pregnancy test, just in case.

Could she feel this way?

I think you should just ask her

See OP.
Even when it's almost literally impossible, women still want to rule it out.
The fear of an unwanted pregnancy is pretty ingrained.
Just tell her you saw them and you wondered if she's ok, if she's maybe starting menopause and does she want to chat about it?

GoodChat · 16/05/2023 11:29

FFF3 · 16/05/2023 11:26

You don’t broach it unless she does. I might take a pregnancy test if my period is late without notifying my husband - even if there was little chance of actually having conceived.

He doesn't broach the fact he's found that she's taken a pregnancy test?

I'm not sure why you feel that way but OP shouldn't just ignore it and pretend he hasn't seen it.

Most couples can communicate like adults.

Strawberrydelight78 · 16/05/2023 11:29

If you've ever watched I didn't know I was pregnant. There have been some on there who have either had a vasectamy. Or the woman has had her tubes tied etc.

MySugarBabyLove · 16/05/2023 11:29

And let’s say the pregnancy test was positive.

Would he be unreasonable to be suspicious then and want a DNA test?

He’s had a vasectomy. The failure rate really isn’t very high, fgs even the reversal success rate isn’t very high, and this particular one can’t be reversed.

I don’t understand why, if women are so untrusting of the process, they even want their husbands to take charge of contraception. Women complain on here all the time that they’ve done the hormonal contraception, giving birth, going through pregnancy, and if the man doesn’t want a vasectomy then he’s selfish. And yet when the man does have the vasectomy, the woman still doesn’t trust it and God forbid that he be a bit upset when she’s taking pregnancy tests despite the fact that he’s been sterilised.

While the pregnancy situation can’t be reversed here, there are definitely double standards at play.

ditalini · 16/05/2023 11:29

PelvicFlora · 16/05/2023 11:25

Also am I literally the only poster who thinks this is a bit dodgy.

OP, I don't know what your relationship with your wife is like, but if it was DH who'd had the snip and I was concerned I might be pregnant, I'd be having a conversation with him along the lines of 'shit, do you think it might have reversed itself?'

The secrecy and the silence around it feels off to me. I can't blame you for having suspicions. It is suspicious. Maybe there's a reasonable explanation. But on the face of it, on the facts, it feels a bit of an overreach to assume she thinks she's pregnant by you - even though you've been told it's impossible - and hasn't thought to mention it.

I also wonder if there's a bit more to the background of this. Were you really just innocently 'looking for antihistamines'? We keep ours in the bathroom cabinet where anyone who needs one can grab one. Was there another reason you were going through her drawers?

Look, you do you, but it would never cross my mind to have a conversation along the lines of "shit do you think it might have reversed itself?" when I didn't even know whether I was pregnant or not - hence pregnancy test if your period is late.

It's totally normal and fine for you to have these conversations with your dp, but it's also totally normal and fine for other people not to.

AccountantMum · 16/05/2023 11:30

Me and my partner have fertility issues and are not able to conceive without IVF - however when my period was very late I took a pregnancy test before going away for a weekend just in case.

I don't think this is evidence she is cheating and if so she probably would have thrown them away why don't you ask her?

samsmum2 · 16/05/2023 11:31

sillyonehetpes · 16/05/2023 10:55

Omg the shoe would be on the other foot if this was a guy.

You are going to have to ask her.

This! I've just come off another thread where there were signs that the husband might be cheating, and the whole thread erupted with LTB, they're red flags, he's definitely cheating etc. What an unbalanced place MN is.

MySugarBabyLove · 16/05/2023 11:32

PelvicFlora · 16/05/2023 11:25

Also am I literally the only poster who thinks this is a bit dodgy.

OP, I don't know what your relationship with your wife is like, but if it was DH who'd had the snip and I was concerned I might be pregnant, I'd be having a conversation with him along the lines of 'shit, do you think it might have reversed itself?'

The secrecy and the silence around it feels off to me. I can't blame you for having suspicions. It is suspicious. Maybe there's a reasonable explanation. But on the face of it, on the facts, it feels a bit of an overreach to assume she thinks she's pregnant by you - even though you've been told it's impossible - and hasn't thought to mention it.

I also wonder if there's a bit more to the background of this. Were you really just innocently 'looking for antihistamines'? We keep ours in the bathroom cabinet where anyone who needs one can grab one. Was there another reason you were going through her drawers?

No you’re not the only one. It’s suspicious as fuck.

But hey let’s all accuse the man of being untrusting when the woman is probably shagging someone else.

Spiderboy · 16/05/2023 11:34

Ask her. If my period was late, I’d still test even though my OH has had a vasectomy. I wouldn’t even mention it to my OH tbh, I see it the same as taking paracetamol for a headache.

LudicrouslyCapaciousBag · 16/05/2023 11:34

This is really weird. There must be a massive back story. Why don’t you trust your wife? Vasectomies fail (and yes, I have read your update, but even if the likelihood of failure is low it is not zero). Women miss periods and they take pregnancy tests to rule out the possibility, even if it is very unlikely. I do not understand how your brain has jumped beyond this perfectly reasonable explanation.

Turfwars · 16/05/2023 11:35

My entire life has been period watching, every month. Analysing symptoms and what they might mean. Counting. How many days since my last period? Did that bout of diarrhoea render my pill invalid? Is this ache an STI even though I was really careful? Is it my period coming early? Is it days late? Is it stress? Ovulation? Cancer?? Why did I have sex that night? What if that story I read about the woman who didn't even know she was pregnant and gave birth happens to me?
And on and on.

The quickest way to bring on a late period is to pregnancy test, and if you go for any kind of check up, even for a sore fucking toe, they ask you the date of your last period and if there's a chance you could be pregnant. And telling them "my husband got the snip" or "I'm very careful about contraception" will earn you a side eye from the nurse and a pregnancy test anyway.

I imagine that if she was having an affair and that she did need to do a pregnancy test for that, she would do it at work or in a public bathroom and not leave the spare one lying in a drawer to prompt awkward questions.

Jellifulfruit · 16/05/2023 11:36

ok I’m a bit confused. Together just over 10 years, vasectomy 15 years ago but both discussed this procedure…? Not slating, just trying to understand the timeline

ThatAbsoluteFkr · 16/05/2023 11:36

My husband had a vasectomy 10 years ago.

I've done about 5 tests in the last 5 years. Never told him because I felt pretty silly doing them but had very late periods a few times and watch way too many American medical drama shows 😂😂 So always think there's a chance one may have slipped through!

Definitely never cheated and didn't feel the need to tell him because it's very unlikely but I needed the peace of mind when my body was being out of sync.