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Original poster

My girlfriend just disclosed she has herpes after a year of dating

217 replies

basscheck · 14/05/2023 22:24

My girlfriend (35) and I (33) have been dating for about a year now and she just disclosed she's had genital herpes the whole time. She only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. Other than this, things were going great.

Part of me wants to stay with her and the other part of me feels like this is just too much. Not sure where to go from here and could use some advice.

OP posts:
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ConcernedCatmother · 14/05/2023 22:30

Personally I agree, it would have been nice to tell you before so you could fully consent with that knowledge. Herpes is a lifelong condition which is extremely unpleasant. If everything is great apart from this, perhaps worthwhile giving her the benefit of the doubt that she naively thought it wasn’t such a big deal.

Thewitcherswolf · 14/05/2023 22:31

Get some accurate sensible info about what herpes is and how common it is to be a carrier.
Did you know that cold sores are caused by a herpes virus? And that 80% of people end up catching that variant over their lifetime? And that cold sores on your mouth can infect a partner’s genital skin?

Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2023 22:33

OK so the first knee jerk reaction was omg she should have said.

But then my second thought was - I think if you've always used a condom and she's not been having a flair up until now then I can kinda understand why she did not say.

But then...imo it was wrong of her to allow oral sex without telling you. And if course oral sex is a big part of sex sometimes. And what if she'd had a flair up the day after...then it might have been too late.

I think she should have told you long before now either way tbh. She's been very selfish.

ThereIsAnEchoInHere · 14/05/2023 22:35

How does that matter @Thewitcherswolf ? The fact is she does have it and hadn’t told him. It really is something to discuss before hand.

Londontoderby · 14/05/2023 22:37

She should have said. It’s not fair to the other person as it takes away their choice if not told. I’d wonder what else she was hiding as it’s not a great start Is it.

CatchHimDerry · 14/05/2023 22:43

Hi OP

I have HSV2 and have always told any potential partners around a few dates in / if I think it may lead somewhere so as they have a choice in how to proceed.

it IS ridiculously common, most people are unaware they have it, it’s not tested for without symptoms etc etc

But it’s also for life as PP have said, and carries a certain social stigma often times.

She should have told you, she should be better informed of her own condition too.

Im not sure how id feel about somebody that kept such a thing from me given that’s how I ended up in this situation myself!

People should always be respectful of others, no matter how hard that initial conversation may be. It’s the right thing to do

EarthSight · 14/05/2023 22:44

A year is a very long time of sexual activity to not bring this up, isn't it? I wouldn't be able to get past that, and I think she hid it from you because it was inconvenient for her to tell you otherwise.

Oh come on @Thewitcherswolf . The oral variety is a different strain, and less serious.

Original poster
basscheck · 14/05/2023 22:45

@Thewitcherswolf I think you're confusing hsv1 and hsv2. Oral herpes is around 80% whereas genital is around 13%.

I went and talked to my doctor after finding out about this and then got tested which came back negative for both. One of my concerns with acquiring genital herpes is how it could impact future partners of mine if this relationship doesn't work out. If does end up working out then it's not too big of a deal, but nothing is certain in life :/

OP posts:
Original poster
basscheck · 14/05/2023 22:47

@CatchHimDerry appreciate your anecdote. Out of curiosity, how often do you find it to be a deal breaker for potential partners after you disclose?

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 14/05/2023 22:47

She would have been told that she needs to discuss or inform any new sexual partners that she has genital herpes when she was diagnosed, so to me she has lied and I wouldn't trust her again.

Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2023 22:47

I could be wrong but I can't imagine any man (or woman for that matter tbh) wanting to continue into a relationship with someone who told them that in the first few dates tbf. Unless they risk a one off fumble or two and then realise that actually they really like you so the relationship just happens irregardless.

I mean, bit of a mood killer on date two over a shared chocolate fudge brownie I'd imagine xD

So I get why she didn't say early on. But she shouldn't have allowed oral before telling you.

Deathbyfluffy · 14/05/2023 22:49

Thewitcherswolf · 14/05/2023 22:31

Get some accurate sensible info about what herpes is and how common it is to be a carrier.
Did you know that cold sores are caused by a herpes virus? And that 80% of people end up catching that variant over their lifetime? And that cold sores on your mouth can infect a partner’s genital skin?

I’m sure answers like this would be very different if it was a man not telling a woman…!

Thewitcherswolf · 14/05/2023 22:49

ThereIsAnEchoInHere · 14/05/2023 22:35

How does that matter @Thewitcherswolf ? The fact is she does have it and hadn’t told him. It really is something to discuss before hand.

OP says he’s not sure what to do next and whether this is too much to deal with. I just suggested he start with a bit of research to figure out exactly what he’s dealing with. Herpes sounds terrifying. An uncurable STI. Something that will follow you forever and ruin any potential future relationships before they can even have a chance to begin.
And then you start researching and realise that the virus (especially the HS1 variant) is crazy common and he’s probably already been exposed to it from someone else anyway.
His gf may well have been advised by health professionals that there’s no need to discuss your herpes diagnosis with partners unless you’re actually having an outbreak. If that is the case, it might affect how he views the situation too.

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/05/2023 22:52

Completely unacceptable IMO, I would end a relationship over that.

Cherryblossoms85 · 14/05/2023 22:55

I remember casually telling my now DH I had a cold sore one evening and he totally freaked out because he thought it was the same thing as the STI version. Certainly would tell someone about an STI though.

Thewitcherswolf · 14/05/2023 22:58

The oral variety is only sort of a different strain…
HSV2 used to be almost exclusively associated with oral herpes and HSV2 with genital herpes. But now oral sex is a mainstream sexual activity so many genital cases are now caused by HSV1. And occasionally oral cases are found to be caused by HSV2. We can’t just assume OP’s gf has HSV2.
I do actually think she should have discussed this with OP earlier on, but I can see why she didn’t.
I have read that being exposed to one variant gives you some protection against the other so if you’ve ever had a cold sore OP then you’ve probably got some immunity, whichever variant your gf has.
You could book an appointment with a sexual health clinic for both of you to discuss how to minimize chances of her passing the virus to you. Or a solo appointment for you if you’re going to break up with her, to get evidence based answers to any worries and questions you might have.

dementedpixie · 14/05/2023 22:59

Cherryblossoms85 · 14/05/2023 22:55

I remember casually telling my now DH I had a cold sore one evening and he totally freaked out because he thought it was the same thing as the STI version. Certainly would tell someone about an STI though.

You can spread oral herpes to the genitals during oral sex.

You can also shed virus when not having an outbreak so she should have said before sexual contact

greenel · 14/05/2023 22:59

I had an ex who told me he had genital herpes on our third date despite not having a flare up. And always used a condom even for oral sex. Tbh it did put me off but that's because it was never going to be a serious relationship! And he understood that. I would be very annoyed at anyone having oral sex without a condom and not disclosing. Yes, there's stigma but tough shit, that's life. Hiding it is really not the right way to deal. Tough call a year in about what to do - but you're within your rights to reconsider how honest she will be in future about other things.

GeekyGirl42 · 14/05/2023 23:00

Sometimes genital herpes can be caused by hsv1 - that’s the one that’s very common (70-80%) of adults. There are many people who have either type and simply don’t know, because they get very mild symptoms and reasonably think they have a shaving bump. People who know they have it and are aware of when they are getting an outbreak are much safer in partners, because they do what your girlfriend just did.

I completely understand that you would feel angry that she didn’t tell you sooner. I would be too, at least initially. It is a heavily stigmatised skin condition, so I’m not surprised that some people only choose to tell partners when they really need to.

Please try to remember that she told you when it was necessary to protect you. That must have taken a lot of guts and ultimately does show integrity - good qualities in a partner!

There is an excellent charity in the UK that promotes evidence-based information. They have a helpline you can call, and you both might find them helpful. https://herpes.org.uk/

https://www.facebook.com/Sphere-233891323398947/

The Herpes Viruses Association helps to get your head around genital herpes. "The information was clear and reliable - read it"

https://herpes.org.uk/

CatchHimDerry · 14/05/2023 23:01

@basscheck never

I have never had a negative reaction to it, but am now married so hopefully no more disclosing!

This may be because if I think somebody is likely to be disrespectful / unkind around the topic then they’re clearly not for me and we don’t get to the point of discussing it.

Some of those did not progress to anything as we just didn’t gel etc. but they were not “put off” so to speak.
Always grateful for the honesty, usually ask a few questions etc.

if somebody was put off, that is absolutely their right and I respect that.

People can chose to date somebody, or not, for any reason at all

@Pinkbonbon never had anybody been put off in my time.
It’s a very fine line on timing. Too soon and they don’t know you as a person enough to decide whether to proceed. Too late and you lose any trust as has happened here.

Absolutely must be before any sexual activity, to do otherwise is removing informed consent in my book.

there’s a BIG difference between somebody that genuinely is unaware of their status and somebody who has deliberately hidden it and then gone on to pass it on. Or I think so anyway

WetBandits · 14/05/2023 23:04

basscheck · 14/05/2023 22:45

@Thewitcherswolf I think you're confusing hsv1 and hsv2. Oral herpes is around 80% whereas genital is around 13%.

I went and talked to my doctor after finding out about this and then got tested which came back negative for both. One of my concerns with acquiring genital herpes is how it could impact future partners of mine if this relationship doesn't work out. If does end up working out then it's not too big of a deal, but nothing is certain in life :/

Are you in the UK? Because there are no widely available NHS tests that will tell you if you have HSV1 or HSV2 without active symptoms. Most people will have antibodies for one or the other (sometimes both but it’s very uncommon) on a blood test without ever having symptoms so it’s routinely done.

Ponderingwindow · 14/05/2023 23:04

I think people have an obligation to disclose any information that the other person might consider relevant enough to reconsider the sexual act or to at least ask more questions.

this can be disease status, marital status, or even their opinion on pineapple on pizza in some circumstances . If you know the other personcares either because anyone would care or because the particular individual has expressed a strong opinion, then not disclosing is an unacceptable deception.

Thewitcherswolf · 14/05/2023 23:04

Cherryblossoms85 · 14/05/2023 22:55

I remember casually telling my now DH I had a cold sore one evening and he totally freaked out because he thought it was the same thing as the STI version. Certainly would tell someone about an STI though.

See, this annoys me. I get cold sores on my face occasionally. I have always told partners about it early on and am extremely careful to avoid kissing and oral sex if I feel like one might possibly be starting. I caught the virus from the first partner I ever kissed, who went on to be my first sexual partner too. It’s probably HSV1 but I’ve never had that confirmed medically. The difference between my scenario and an STI is what? Very little as far as I can see. The idea that oral herpes is no big deal and genital herpes is a disgusting shameful life sentence is weird. They are two variants of the same disease.

WetBandits · 14/05/2023 23:06

Also HSV1 can and does affect genitals (passed on via oral sex), I see it almost every day.

Your girlfriend is correct that she didn’t (legally) have to disclose it to you but that she should avoid sex during an outbreak, although we do encourage people to inform partners.

It really is just a coldsore, but people lose their minds when it’s on someone’s genitals.

ChocChipHandbag · 14/05/2023 23:09

WetBandits · 14/05/2023 23:06

Also HSV1 can and does affect genitals (passed on via oral sex), I see it almost every day.

Your girlfriend is correct that she didn’t (legally) have to disclose it to you but that she should avoid sex during an outbreak, although we do encourage people to inform partners.

It really is just a coldsore, but people lose their minds when it’s on someone’s genitals.

Perhaps you could explain what job you do, for context here?