My girlfriend just disclosed she has herpes after a year of dating

[basscheck]

My girlfriend (35) and I (33) have been dating for about a year now and she just disclosed she's had genital herpes the whole time. She only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. Other than this, things were going great.

Part of me wants to stay with her and the other part of me feels like this is just too much. Not sure where to go from here and could use some advice.

My sister doesn’t tell men that she has it. I don’t agree but she was finding men would instantly dump her after she told them despite what MN says about no one being bothered, men she met seemed very bothered by it so she now wants to not tell people as she’s sick of being rejected because of it.

What? Go and read the NHS page about what herpes is. It’s entirely likely someone would have a recurrence after over a year of no outbreaks. And understandable but not morally irreproachable that someone wouldn’t disclose that they had the virus when they had had no symptoms for a long time.

I should think the Herpes Virus Association say don't sleep with a new partner for a year and then tell them, GeekyGirl42.
They probably say educate yourself that serious consequences are very rare but the person you are sleeping with needs to make an informed choice about whether they want to take that risk.
Of course, the OP may go beyond whatever HVA says and tell future partners that they may have been exposed because that's the considerate thing to do and they have made that decision.

Sorry, so you think that someone who had sex with someone who has the virus but who has never had an outbreak themselves should forevermore disclose that information to future partners in advance of having sex?
That’s totally pointless given how common the virus is and how many people are walking around actually infectious but with no idea.

Oh have a heart. If you actually like this girl surely you can understand why she might feel nervous and want to get to know you a bit before she disclosed something so personal and - let’s face it - a bit embarrassing? You’re not wrong to feel that she should have told you earlier but can’t you at least understand why she might not have? Poor girl. Herpes is so common but must be really tough in this situation - when you just start a new relationship. I’d not end it over this but would let her know that she needs to be up front and honest in future.

Having the herpes virus was never considered an issue before a treatment was found for it.

I'm not buying this theory that people were happy going round with painful, contagious blisters all over their most delicate parts, until Big Pharma got involved.

I had a single herpes wart over 20 years ago from an ex partner and have never had one since. Like coldsores, some people suffer more than others and some people carry the virus and barely know about it. If she has regular outbreaks I would expect her to mention it but if it's a very rare occurance I can see why she might not.

I went and talked to my doctor after finding out about this and then got tested which came back negative for both

of course you did. If you do not have an active flare up, it’ll be negative.

OP you need to listen to sensible medical advice. Not the OMG police on MN.

It would be a deal breaker for me. I hate dishonesty in a relationship.

Oh do one @PerryMenno. If you honestly think everyone who has herpes constantly had “painful blisters” on their genitals all the time you are very very ignorant.

Many do. My sister gets regularly outbreaks. She takes medication for it full time. Everyone on MN though seems to only get it once then never again doesn’t ring true 🤔

I didn't say 'all the time'. People upthread who've had herpes said it was painful. But yes I'm ignorant in that I don't personally know what it feels like and would like to keep it that way - by not sleeping with people who have it. Don't want to sleep with people who know they have hepatitis either, or covid, or anything at all that might make me unwell.

INFORMED CONSENT.

Think about the logic of what you are saying.

In so glad me and my partner are both responsible people and that I don't out myself in situations where somebody would hide something and infect me.

Sick that anybody at all thinks this okay. Utterly disgusting. Should be ashamed.of themselves. You do know that it isn't full consent if you have sex with somebody knowing you may give them herpes?

They only think it’s ok because it’s a woman who did it. If this was a man the comments would be very different

Yes, she probably should have told you. However, take some comfort in that the female to male transmission rate for herpes is very low - getting on for 1 in 2000 for protected sex. Even unprotected it's still only about 1 in 600. Condoms are better at protecting women against catching herpes than they are for men.

I did.
Perhaps I misunderstood your post. You seemed to be saying that OP, should he breakup with his girlfriend immediately, should still be telling every single future sexual partner that he was once in a relationship with someone who had herpes, even if he never has an outbreak himself.
This is pointless. The odds of a new sexual partner having already slept with someone who had herpes are extremely high. Up to 90% of people have antibodies to either HSV1, HSV2 or both.
You can’t even avoid herpes by marrying a fellow virgin at 19 and never ever sleeping with anyone else. Because HSV1 most commonly lives on the face and it’s common to catch it in early childhood from a kiss with a close relative.

It would be an absolute deal breaker for me. How dare she not tell you and give you the ability to consent to possible exposure? How anyone could excuse this is beyond me.

The withholding that information from you is as bad as lying as far as I’m concerned.

I’d end the relationship, I couldn’t trust someone who did that to me.

Appreciate all the advice and insight people have shared thus far. Curious how often you all ask about the sexual status of a partner before engaging in sex vs. assuming they would tell you. I've never had anyone ask me and now I find that very strange, but maybe only sharing if relevant is the common case

@basscheck - Always!!! Before engaging in any sexual activity, I want to know to the best of my knowledge what I'm getting into. There's always the risk that they will lie, but of it doesn't feel right I've always passed up on it. Personally, I wouldn't and didn't get involved with anyone with cold sores even. It's a deal breaker for me. Right or wrong I don't east to expose myself.

I've always been incredibly careful with my sexual health. Because, it matters to me.

I don't generally care about number of partners they've had or the type of sex they've engaged with in the past. That's their business. But, I do fully expect them to disclose any sti. And, I'm always honest as well.

And, if asked would happily get a test done at their request and would expect the same from them. I do know that this is not a fail safe but it does give me the full power of consent.

...and what do you mean by pointless?
That's a bit of sleight of hand! So, herpes is widely prevalent and can be transmitted without the carrier showing symptoms. You don't know who has it or even if you have it yourself. Therefore, when you find that the person you trust and has slept with you for a year, is proven to have it, as they are having an outbreak, telling any partner (who you definitely care about) in the (near?) future this history is "pointless"?
Why is that? You mean it takes too long to say? Or do you actually mean it would be unfair on you because it affects your (one's) opportunities for having sex and having a partner? Oh it's stigma? That is, potential partners would have a choice. They can choose someone else instead of you (one), someone in this situation. They can't know if the person they choose instead has it (unless that person has an outbreak or antibodies) but may decide to choose a partner among those who haven't slept with someone with proven herpes for a year. That's what the OP's partner apparently considered when she met him and she decided to keep quiet. She has reason, or do you think the OP doesn't mind?
I think the opposite is true. You can't do anything about being infected by those who carry the disease with no sign. You can do something about being infected by someone who knows they have it. You can make sure you don't do it anyone else and stop spreading the cosy idea that it's ok because of "stigma". what a load of conniving, self-serving cr@p. Having herpes isn't a bad thing, lying about it to someone you care about is.

Banding the 2 together does not help. They are very different. They are not the same disease. I cannot emphasise this enough.

I have never had a cold sore or genital herpes and I'm actually glad I read this post because I will be extremely cautious if I ever end up dating again, because thus thread has oprned my eyes to all the disgusting people who would hide something so important from a partner. Very wrong and very low, one of the worst things you can do to somebody. Unforgivable imo. Any justification is sick. It's vile. Utterly vile.

@Anotherparkingthread they are the same virus

I think she was being ignorant rather than malicious