My girlfriend just disclosed she has herpes after a year of dating

[basscheck]

My girlfriend (35) and I (33) have been dating for about a year now and she just disclosed she's had genital herpes the whole time. She only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. Other than this, things were going great.

Part of me wants to stay with her and the other part of me feels like this is just too much. Not sure where to go from here and could use some advice.

Oh it’s such a tricky one OP, I really feel for you.

There’s some excellent posts and advice here, and some that show exactly how easy misinformation and scaremongering is spread.

So following from my previous post, and in line with PPs posts, I will share the rest of my story honestly…

Of course nobody wants it, who would! That included me, for a time. It was extremely challenging to live with, mentally and physically until it came under control.

Now I couldn’t care less and truly believe things worked out how they were meant to.

It caused me to really reflect and grow as a person. I am now much kinder, less judgemental, less naive, and far more educated.
For that I am actually grateful.

It is also, as a PP mentioned, an excellent filter and way to gauge a persons character.

I ended up with HSV2 from a single encounter with my 1st, and only, long-term sexual partner of around 10 years.
He had cheated, but I do believe he was unaware he had it.

Subsequent partners, all unprotected sex after testing and all clear for “anything else” for us both, did not contract from me.

Despite trying to be cautious around any outbreaks, my now DH did contract it though.
I suspect this is largely because during covid times the antivirals were not available for a period of around 2 years even on private prescriptions I was paying for.
And a lot more sex that any of the others over a much longer time of course.

So even though the risk is small if careful, it is a consideration that it will never be 0%.

BUT, and his has been mentioned here already, it is never 0 with anybody.

It CAN lay dormant for years on end with not a single symptom. I’ve seen it happen with a family member.
It’s not tested for routinely.
A Virgin can still have HSV1.

In the words of Nessa, “they could be riddled” 😂

So it’s more about the person. Is this somebody you want to be with etc.

I could never not inform somebody no matter how hard it is (and believe me, clearly I know how hard it is).

In my head I simply MUST give them the choice I wasn’t given.

I’d expect the same levels of honesty, for anything, in return.

Wish you the best of luck however you proceed OP. Take care 💙

I can understand why you're feeling conflicted and unsure about what to do next. It's important to remember that genital herpes is a common condition, and it's estimated that around 1 in 6 adults in the United States have it. While it's understandable that you feel hurt and betrayed by your girlfriend not disclosing her status earlier, it's also important to recognize that she may have been misinformed about when to disclose her status.

Moving forward, you may want to consider having an open and honest conversation with your girlfriend about your feelings, concerns, and expectations around sexual health and communication. It's important to communicate your boundaries and what you need in order to feel safe and secure in the relationship.

You may also want to consider getting tested for herpes, even if you've always used condoms. While condoms can help reduce the risk of transmission, they're not 100% effective at preventing herpes transmission. Additionally, herpes can also be transmitted through skin-to-skin contact outside of the condom-protected area.

Ultimately, the decision to stay with your girlfriend or not is up to you. It's important to take the time to reflect on your feelings and consider what's best for your own well-being. If you do choose to stay with your girlfriend, it's important to prioritize open and honest communication, mutual respect, and practicing safe sex to reduce the risk of transmission.

If you want to look for some people to chat with or you want to learn & talk about herpes topics, you can seek help and support from herpes online communities or groups.

I was infected sometime in my early 30s. Shortly after I realised, due to a flare up, I got into a new relationship and immediately told him because I had symptoms. If I hadn’t had symptoms and this had happened years earlier, I don’t think it would have occurred to me to have mentioned it because I had no idea it was a lifelong condition and I certainly was not told this when I was treated, which was at the Roehampton clinic.

I have never since had any symptoms and it is well over twenty years later. As far as I am aware, that boyfriend did not become infected (well he has never mentioned any symptoms) and neither has my now husband who I have been with for almost 20 years.

@karally I don't think you can be tested for herpes if you don't have an outbreak.
Stand to be corrected tho!

The fact she hid it for a year is enough to be the dealbreaker alone.

I do love the most people have it but don’t know so what does it matter. Well that’s the thing they don’t know so they cannot inform you but if you know you have something you can pass onto someone you should declare it.

How can you make a truly informed decision to consent if you don’t know the actual facts.

Would I consent to sex with someone who knowingly has genital herpes. No I would not.
By not declaring it you take away my right to decide if I want to risk the possibility of catching it or not and that is wrong.

NO more Oral and get yourself checked out/

Most people have it??
If that was true it wouldn't be a big deal and it wouldn't be illegal in some US states to knowingly infect someone.

I find people saying it isn't a big deal are the ones who have it and don't want to be judged for it.

The thing is it does cause flare ups and it isn't just a coldsore on your privates.

As others had said it is a life long condition and tough shit if people treat you differently because they want to protect themselves.

@What - thought I'd do a little Google. Read down to How Common is it? More common than you believe. Of course they may be talking about lip herpes. But the fact is many herpes cases on genitals are in fact the same thing.

Have a read and fact check your assumptions. Mine have been changed. Maybe yours can too

herpes.org.uk/frequently-asked-questions/herpes-simplex-virus/

What a nasty post! Just wanted to address some of the nonsense you’ve spouted here:

1. 10% of people have HSV2 and around 70% of people have HSV1. Combined, that’s around 80% of the population with some form of HSV. 80% = most.

2. I don’t think we can put much stock into what the US says is illegal and what isn’t, iykwim.

3. I don’t have it (to my knowledge, I might do 🤷🏼‍♀️) but I still feel very strongly about the horrible stigma around it.

4. It does cause flareups but so does facial HSV. You can get facial HSV (type 1) on your genitals so it really is a cold sore on your genitals.

You sound very misinformed and pretty spiteful tbh.

@Whatt - what do you think now you have some facts?

Interesting story in dailyexpress.Baby almost dies from herpes after kiss from relative.
The parents say they hope the publicity will help warn people about this possibility. They didn't know it was possible.

try not to panic

firstly if you were going to catch it you would have by now
secondly she has told you , albeit cos she had to

herpes is really unfairly stigmatised
its very common and for whatever reasons the genital version is given more scorn than oral

its a painful sore in a shitty place

Id stay calm and carry on

I'd be worried what other secrets she's not telling.

I have no problem with someone having herpes, because you can work around it. But keeping that secret? And letting you give her oral sex?

Nah.

Hi everyone, need advice on Herpes. Does anyone ever suffer debilitating sciatica (debilitating to the point of ending up in a&e because I can’t even get out of bed , stand or walk)? I’ve had herpes for 2 years on 4th outbreak and I’ve noticed around a month before an outbreak the pain in my lower back, bum cheek and down my leg is a 10 on the pain scale and my mum and dad have to lift me out of bed and carry me to the toilet etc. then the pain gets better then I have an outbreak. I’ve read really scary stuff about it living in the nerves in the spine and am scared I will now have to go through this for the rest of my life x

Wanderingstar16

i recently learnt that the blisters have a corresponding nerve in the spinal chord

so this would make sense

you need to get to a GUM clinic and discuss options as maybe a permanent anti viral suppressant will help
but a Dr will obviously advise better