My girlfriend just disclosed she has herpes after a year of dating

[basscheck]

My girlfriend (35) and I (33) have been dating for about a year now and she just disclosed she's had genital herpes the whole time. She only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. Other than this, things were going great.

Part of me wants to stay with her and the other part of me feels like this is just too much. Not sure where to go from here and could use some advice.

Then why do they have 2 names?

You do understand viruses can be related and be different don't you?

The same way you aren't vaccinated against any of the carona viruses but are against covid 19... Some are worse than others, even if they share similarities.

How do you not understand this? Its common sense.

Or is this something you have convinced yourself of to ease your guilt at your own abhorrent behaviour, as you have failed to disclose to partners?

Dealbreaker

@Anotherparkingthread why are you comparing a virus and a vaccine?

HSV presents the same way on the body. They are just able to swab the sore for what type, which can help with treatment (and all medications work on both strains).

You can have hsv1 and hsv2 on your mouth lips....

@Anotherparkingthread wait until you find out you don't have symptoms but are a carrier - like most people. Hsv1

Well, you didn't bring up the subject before you slept together, so that's probably a lesson for the future.

You need to talk to your gf. Why didn't she tell you? Did she think you would judge her? She should have told you, but perhaps she very rarely has an outbreak and thought it wouldn't be an issue?

In general if people know they have something they should say so - that's theory

However, this thread illustrates that many people either don't think herpes are that much of a big deal, don't think they can infect others without an active outbreak or don't know the difference between the two variants. So basically she may have not thought about saying anything...as someone has mentioned, she may have been even falsely advised not so say anything.

So while not saying anything was not the right thing to do it may not have been malicious

I mean it’s pointless for you to expect someone in OPs position (never had an outbreak, no evidence that he has the virus - it’s not definitive but the antibody screening came back negative) to disclose the fact he once had a gf with the virus. It’s pointless to reject someone based on the fact that they were once with someone with herpes but do not have it themselves as far as it is possible to tell. Because choosing someone else instead is not going to be any safer. (Remember OP has never had a lesion and has a negative blood test). He now also has much more knowledge about the virus than many people do. He’s more likely to notice if he or a partner ever develop a lesion. If you’re of an age where most people you date will have a number of previous sexual partners, the odds that one of those previous partners have the herpes virus are extremely high. HSV2 prevalence in the UK is around 1 in 10. And you can insist HSV1 is somehow a completely different disease but the fact remains that many new genital infections are caused by HSV1. Prevalence of HSV1 is more like 8 in 10. You can forgo oral sex if you like as a way to help lower your odds of catching it genitally, but if someone already has HSV1 on their genitals (and perhaps doesn’t know it) then you could still catch it.
Basically your risk is never going to be zero.

I do always ask about an STI check before sex. However, since that doesn't pick up herpes, I am relying on them to tell me. It has always been a big worry of mine tbh that someone may not disclose it (and this thread has left me even more concerned at how many people think it's no big deal!). But so far I've had one person disclose it and another who had a cold sore on our first date so I knew. So while I don't bring up herpes before sex initially, I always ask if I think the relationship could get serious. I'm mid 30s and have never even had a cold sore so very keen to keep it that way.

I have a long term partner currently and neither he nor I have either of the strains, and my exH didn't either. So if this relationship ends, I think along with asking about an STI check I'll also ask about herpes. It's odd that we spend so much time considering compatibility around attraction, politics, interests, lifestyles etc but not health risks. I always think if so many people have it, and by your mid 30s you know if you've had a sore, surely easier to find another person who has it and won't care. Than lie by omission to a minority who don't. I can understand someone who doesn't know they have it but someone who does know and wilfully withholds - that's morally reprehensible to me.

They are the exact same virus just happier living on specific nerves. Hsv1 prefers facial nerves hsv2 in the genitals. That is why if you have hsv1 facially you get more outbreaks and if you get hsv2 genitally the same applies. They are in their home locations.

If you get hsv1 genitally recurrent outbreaks are less likely because the virus isn't on its home set of nerves.

It's still the same virus.

Are you actually reading the thread?

Probably already been mentioned, but this site is a great, informative, and non judgemental read. It's the judgement which stops people from saying anything I think..
herpes virus association

My DH gets cold sores. When I met him 30 plus years ago he never mentioned it, despite the fact we almost instantly fell into bed. It has never occurred to either of us that he should have. Yet he could give me herpes on my genitals if we had oral sex just before a flare up. He never has because sensibly if he gets that cold sore tingle we don't even kiss. But in theory he could have passed it to me.
Fact is i could be carrying it without knowing if I've been infected without having a flare up. Am I bothered? No.
I know that a huge number of people carry that version of the virus (up to 80 per cent). Maybe I'm one of them? Who knows.

Threads like this are always interesting because many of the commenters here will have it without even realising.
The stigma is unreal and as someone has already said, the stigma has been purely marketed for commercial reasons.

That's how I feel, @WandaWomblesaurus
I almost want to smile wryly at some of those saying 'deal breaker'. How do they know they don't have it? How many people do they know with cold sores? I have no axe to grind - as i said, DH gets cold sores. But I once supported a friend through the process of diagnoses after she got sores on her genitals. They were caused by the mouth strain.
I decided to read up on it after that.

"The virus that causes oral Herpes, HSV-1, affects approximately 70%% of the population and is often referred to as a cold sore. The HSV-2 virus, which causes Genital Herpes, affects 23% of adultss in the UK. "

yoursexualhealth.co.uk/blog/how-common-is-herpes-in-the-uk/#:~:text=The%20virus%20that%20causes%20oral,of%20adults%20in%20the%20UK.

Honestly, I think people with cold sores should make this clear when they meet people too. I don’t have cold sores and don’t want them and would be very upset if I caught oral herpes from someone who didn’t bother telling me I was at risk of catching it from them.

No I think it would be kind to tell someone they cared about that they slept with this partner for a year, including oral sex.
I understand that you cannot give genital herpes to someone who already has it, but the probability of a random member of the public having genital herpes and a member of the public apart who has slept with someone proven to have the disease for a year, including oral sex, having the disease is different (the latter being higher) because not everybody has herpes. That is why further partners would want to know.
You don't have to tell in these circumstances. You just could. But it might mean rejection so...no?
By your own logic, if it makes no difference in chances of infection why do you claim that makes notification pointless? Because it increases the chance of rejection. So, you acknowledge people really don't agree with you and also that you know this. Because people are "mistaken" about the chances of infection (as you see it) it is ok to withhold information so you can stop them rejecting you as a sexual partner? Seriously?

@Stratusinium you have no idea if you have it or not. Given that the majority of people have hsv1 but many are asymptomatic and given that the tests aren't included in standard std tests you might be better disclosing to future partners that you don't know if you have it and they might be better disclosing to you that they don't know if they have it too.

If there was less stigma about it and more information people would be better at spotting the symptoms, understand the triggers and less transmission might occur.

There are antivirals that can be taken which are very effective at preventing outbreaks.

OP please contact the herpes virus association that has already been mentioned and talk to the nice people there who will put your mind at ease.

So because some people are carriers of the virus it’s perfectly ok to not disclose it when you actually know that you have it? Okayyy.

Where does that end. there are people who have HIV without knowing it as well, so perfectly ok to be HIV positive then and not disclose it to a sexual partner?

Whether people are carriers of it without their knowledge is entirely irrelevant here. The GF has been diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease. There is 100% no way she wasn’t told that she needed to disclose this fact to future sexual partners and she deliberately chose not to do so. She knowingly lied by omission. That is enough to end the relationship over, and I absolutely would.

And if this was a woman posting that her dp of a year had herpes and hadn’t told her the chorus of ltb would be deafening. but because it’s a woman people are apparently being hysterical for not wanting to be told a partner has a STD.

Double standards ahoy.

It's hard to predict how the virus will impact my life, though I do realize the impact after a few years is typically not too bad

If in the future your partner was pregnant and you infected her during the pregnancy, that could cause life-threatening disease in the baby. (It's less dangerous if the woman has a longstanding infection). You would need to be scrupulous about hand hygiene when handling the baby in order not to infect them.

Anyway, hopefully none of this will be a consideration for you as it sounds as though - fingers crossed - you've not been infected.

I think people with cold sores should make this clear when they meet people too. I don’t have cold sores and don’t want them and would be very upset if I caught oral herpes from someone who didn’t bother telling me I was at risk of catching it from them.

Before oral sex, maybe. But before kissing? That's ridiculous.

It's really no big deal- annoying, yes, but those of us who have had cold sores since childhood just shrug and put it down to one of those things.

To be clear, I am talking about not declaring being a cold sore sufferer before kissing if not currently having an outbreak. Obviously I would mention it if I could feel one coming on, and I'd obviously explain what anything visible on my face was.

OP, if things are going well a year in, I urge you not to end it because of this. The pool of people dating in your mid-late thirties who are not at least carriers of the virus (HSV 1 or/and 2) AND that you really like, is likely going to be very small indeed. If you’ve found a good partner, keep her.

Question for all those who believe that you should declare your cold sore status before a kiss, if a parent has had a cold sore in their lives, does this mean they shouldn’t be able to kiss/face nuzzle their children ever? I think we’d all agree they wouldn’t do this in an active cold sore – but what about the rest of the time? I don’t have children, but I am curious on your thoughts.

I got my first cold sore in my late twenties after a bout of extreme stress and sunburn. My long time partner at the time had never had a cold sore, I never saw him with one before or after (we were together over 10 years). So I must have been a carrier for sometime without any symptoms until that point.

I was also unlucky to get genital herpes 10 years later, it was confirmed as HSV-1. The partner at the time didn’t have any noticeable outbreak, and when I told him, he said he had never had it. So, I don’t know where that came from either – likely him or another carrier without symptoms.

The sexual health clinic advised me that it was up to me if I told people, but did mention that people generally do not declare their cold sore status before going in for a kiss, and advised to avoid sexual contact during an outbreak - and the general advice about safe sex anyway.

The herpes site that others have suggested is very good. And on a coldsore note, the lipbalm they sell is excellent for cold sore prevention in my experience. I’ve had very very few since I started using it (I wear it everyday and apply a thick layer at night).

What a sensible post @breadandbutter99 , and demonstrates the complexities of knowing just how you can get it.