Page 2 | My girlfriend just disclosed she has herpes after a year of dating

basscheck · 2023-05-14T21:24:34+00:00

My girlfriend (35) and I (33) have been dating for about a year now and she just disclosed she's had genital herpes the whole time. She only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. Other than this, things were going great. Part of me wants to stay with her and the other part of me feels like this is just too much. Not sure where to go from here and could use some advice.

Anotherparkingthread · 14/05/2023 23:10

They are absolutely not the same disease. That is a myth that needs to be squashed. It is a myth that is used to perpetuate biased arguments for people who selfishly infected others.

She absolutely should have told you. She lied and has put you at risk. She did not give you option of informed consent.

This could effect your entire future when it comes to dating if you contract the disease and look to meet somebody else. It is fucking disgusting that she would do this to you, if I were you I would end the relationship immediately and never look back.

sillyonehetpes · 14/05/2023 23:11

Here we go

Cherryblossoms85 · 14/05/2023 23:11

@Thewitcherswolf Yes. I know that. But why would I tell him about getting a cold sore ten years before I met him, when it was not remotely relevant, given a) I didn't have another one for a long time, and b) we don't do oral sex. It didn't even cross my mind. Obviously I told him it was active when that occurred and gave him the option of not kissing me. But no, I didn't go on our first date and say "by the way, ages and ages ago I got a cold sore, thought you should know"!! It may be the same virus but its location does make rather a difference to how uncomfortable it is, I'd have thought. So the disclosure rules would naturally be different.

HSV1Variant · 14/05/2023 23:11

It's important to know if she has HSV1 or 2 (both can live in the genitals) if it's 1 risk of transmission from genitals to genitals is extremely slim because that is not where the virus is happiest. Even less so if she's not been symptomatic and you use condoms.

I got HSV1 genitally from an ex who didn't tell me they had a cold sore tingling on their face, I had one outbreak 15 years ago and that was that but I have since had to tell anyone I come into contact with that I've been infected. It's crazy because do you all declare you get cold sores? But it's also being responsible.

Take some time to process what she's disclosed and decide if you want to keep going with the relationship or not. In the grand scheme of things (for me) other than the first (and only) really horrible outbreak herpes hasn't been an issue for me.

Original poster

basscheck · 14/05/2023 23:11

@WetBandits I had the antibodies test, which while not perfect gives a good idea of if I've been infected or not. Totally agree with you on it just being a cold sore in a different region. The one caveat being that hsv2 in the genital region sheds more often than hsv1 in the genital region. It's hard to predict how the virus will impact my life, though I do realize the impact after a few years is typically not too bad

OP posts:

HSV1Variant · 14/05/2023 23:12

So much ignorance on this thread

CatchHimDerry · 14/05/2023 23:12

@Cherryblossoms85 they are the same though, in many cases.

if you had a cold sore on the horizon and DH fancied a BJ, that’s what he’d end up with. Genital herpes, an “STI” from your facial herpes

Doesn’t even need to be an actual “sore” yet, they have a process called viral shedding which means it can be transmitted even with no symptoms. That’s why it’s such a sneaky bastard

Even I didn’t know that. I was blissfully ignorant until I ended up with it and wised up 😂 damn my luck and all that

GeekyGirl42 · 14/05/2023 23:13

The NHS does sometimes test which type. I have it, and after 20 years of no outbreaks, I got one. I was devastated. My GP was absolutely amazing - she took a swab, told me it was HSV1 once the result was in, and signposted me to the Herpes Virus Association.

Here’s the thing - before that outbreak I did have partners that I didn’t tell, because it just wasn’t on my radar after the first 10 years. It might be that your girlfriend has had a similar experience.

I tell people now, as soon as I think I might want to sleep with them soon. I’ve only ever had one person react negatively, and honestly I’m certain she wasn’t the one, because she was downright unkind and judgmental. So I see it as a useful people filter.

sillyonehetpes · 14/05/2023 23:13

You don't need to legally disclose herpes.

HSV1 - cold sores, are the most common form of genital herpes. They are by people having oral sex.

Due to the misinformation on this thread, that's the reason why carriers don't share they have have outbreaks of the virus.

pS most people have the virus and unless you have an outbreak it's not detectable.

People don't want to date people with genital herpes, even if it's the ones also found on lips.

Such stigma.

sillyonehetpes · 14/05/2023 23:14

basscheck · 14/05/2023 23:11

@WetBandits I had the antibodies test, which while not perfect gives a good idea of if I've been infected or not. Totally agree with you on it just being a cold sore in a different region. The one caveat being that hsv2 in the genital region sheds more often than hsv1 in the genital region. It's hard to predict how the virus will impact my life, though I do realize the impact after a few years is typically not too bad

Nah it's pointless. I tested for it with the blood test and came back negative

CatchHimDerry · 14/05/2023 23:15

@HSV1Variant always the same when it pops up in a thread

Sorry to hear your story but great to see others also doing the responsible thing 🙏🏼

twoandcooplease · 14/05/2023 23:16

Closetbeanmuncher · 14/05/2023 22:52

Completely unacceptable IMO, I would end a relationship over that.

Me too it's totally wrong imo

Original poster

basscheck · 14/05/2023 23:16

@HSV1Variant After I learned of the difference I asked her about it. She said it was probably 2 as she also has had oral cold sores since we was a child and thus likely has 1. Definitely hurt a bit to hear that she didn't bring that up at the time she told me about the genital herpes, but I suppose oral ones are common enough that it's not a huge deal.

OP posts:

sillyonehetpes · 14/05/2023 23:16

greenel · 14/05/2023 22:59

I had an ex who told me he had genital herpes on our third date despite not having a flare up. And always used a condom even for oral sex. Tbh it did put me off but that's because it was never going to be a serious relationship! And he understood that. I would be very annoyed at anyone having oral sex without a condom and not disclosing. Yes, there's stigma but tough shit, that's life. Hiding it is really not the right way to deal. Tough call a year in about what to do - but you're within your rights to reconsider how honest she will be in future about other things.

Does oral sex no include licking balls or deep throating?

DivorcedAndDelighted · 14/05/2023 23:18

The Herpes Viruses Association https://herpes.org.uk/ is a charity which has lots of information about this and their advice is very down to earth. Apparently only about a third of people with genital herpes know they have it, because in most people it goes unnoticed. The blood test mentioned is unreliable as it gives a lot of false negatives, ie will suggest you've never had it when in fact you have, but just don't have an active infection right now. Asymptomatic transmission appears to be rare & they say that someone with a diagnosis will likely be aware of an outbreak & so usually will be careful to avoid sex or avoid risking transmission, whereas the 2/3 majority of people who don't realise they're infected just carry on spreading it. It is common for people to be advised that they don't need to raise it with a partner if they rarely have outbreaks, because asymptomatic transmission is so unlikely.

I've attached their 2 page leaflet on the most important things to know, but their site has more info.

My girlfriend just disclosed she has herpes after a year of dating

Cherryblossoms85 · 14/05/2023 23:18

@CatchHimDerry well it's a good thing I've never given him a BJ because he doesn't like them then, isn't it. Who needs Judgement Day when you've got Mumsnet.

HSV1Variant · 14/05/2023 23:19

basscheck · 14/05/2023 23:16

@HSV1Variant After I learned of the difference I asked her about it. She said it was probably 2 as she also has had oral cold sores since we was a child and thus likely has 1. Definitely hurt a bit to hear that she didn't bring that up at the time she told me about the genital herpes, but I suppose oral ones are common enough that it's not a huge deal.

Sounds like she has both then. It's very rare for someone who has cold sores to then go on to get HSV1 genitally (although not impossible). HSV2 is more prone to asymptomatic shedding so you are at greater risk. She should have disclosed, I'm sorry you're in this position. You won't actually know for certain unless you get sores.

WetBandits · 14/05/2023 23:19

ChocChipHandbag · 14/05/2023 23:09

Perhaps you could explain what job you do, for context here?

Show quote history

Sorry, I work in Sexual Health. I’m not a plumber or florist

GeekyGirl42 · 14/05/2023 23:19

@HSV1Variant - that’s exactly how mine happened!! We are both very unlucky to even get outbreaks btw - they think that most people exposed in that way don’t get symptoms ever because HSV1 does not normally do well “down there”

Pudmyboy · 14/05/2023 23:19

I do not understand why herpes has this great stigma just because it's in the genitals: do people with oral herpes always tell anyone they kiss that they have it? It's the same virus, just a different strain and outbreaks, if you have any, last no more than 5 days on average.
Please look at the herpes virus association link given in a previous post.
Having the herpes virus was never considered an issue before a treatment was found for it.

HSV1Variant · 14/05/2023 23:22

GeekyGirl42 · 14/05/2023 23:19

@HSV1Variant - that’s exactly how mine happened!! We are both very unlucky to even get outbreaks btw - they think that most people exposed in that way don’t get symptoms ever because HSV1 does not normally do well “down there”

Perhaps there needs to be a drive to get everyone with bloody great sores on their faces to be more aware of the physical and psychological impact their behaviour has on future partners.

twoandcooplease · 14/05/2023 23:22

@Pudmyboy do people with oral herpes always tell anyone they kiss that they have it?

IME yes, when people have cold sores they tend to not kiss people
Eg. Bump into a friend in town, quick cuddle and go in for a kiss on the cheek "careful I have a cold sore"

TableTime99 · 14/05/2023 23:23

Pinkbonbon · 14/05/2023 22:47

I could be wrong but I can't imagine any man (or woman for that matter tbh) wanting to continue into a relationship with someone who told them that in the first few dates tbf. Unless they risk a one off fumble or two and then realise that actually they really like you so the relationship just happens irregardless.

I mean, bit of a mood killer on date two over a shared chocolate fudge brownie I'd imagine xD

So I get why she didn't say early on. But she shouldn't have allowed oral before telling you.

Depends on the person on the other end of that conversation. Some people would run for the hills. Some would be totally fine with it. My ex, who is now my best friend had to tell me he had herpes and HIV before we had sex. My reaction was very blasé (oh OK, thanks for telling me) and we left it at that that evening, went on to discuss it and had sex a month or so later fully armed with knowledge and confidence. Relationship lasted a year. It ended because it fizzled, not be Use of the herpes or HIV. That was a non issue. BUT, the only reason it was a mom issue was because he was honest about it which then empowered me. I WOULD have possibly ended things if he hadn't have told me (referring just to the herpes here).

Thewitcherswolf · 14/05/2023 23:23

Cherryblossoms85 · 14/05/2023 23:11

@Thewitcherswolf Yes. I know that. But why would I tell him about getting a cold sore ten years before I met him, when it was not remotely relevant, given a) I didn't have another one for a long time, and b) we don't do oral sex. It didn't even cross my mind. Obviously I told him it was active when that occurred and gave him the option of not kissing me. But no, I didn't go on our first date and say "by the way, ages and ages ago I got a cold sore, thought you should know"!! It may be the same virus but its location does make rather a difference to how uncomfortable it is, I'd have thought. So the disclosure rules would naturally be different.

How do you not see the parallels here between you not having an outbreak for ages and so not thinking to tell your husband you have oral herpes and OPs girlfriend not having an outbreak for ages and not telling him? I really don’t see what the difference is, other than location of the sores.
Talking about HSV1 (always) being mild and HSV2 (always) being more severe also seems a bit weird to me given that both can range from so mild the patient doesn’t even realise they have a herpes sore to fucking awful and takes weeks to fully heal to actually deadly in the case of neonates or maybe people with non functioning immune systems.

sillyonehetpes · 14/05/2023 23:25

@HSV1Variant no she has type 1. I have it on my face and have since I was 12. Genitals have been swabbed three times and all times they have been hsv1. I didn't get sexually abused so won't have hsv2 genital herpes on my face.

It's either I had oral from someone or fucked someone with hsv1