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Original poster

My girlfriend just disclosed she has herpes after a year of dating

217 replies

basscheck · 14/05/2023 22:24

My girlfriend (35) and I (33) have been dating for about a year now and she just disclosed she's had genital herpes the whole time. She only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. Other than this, things were going great.

Part of me wants to stay with her and the other part of me feels like this is just too much. Not sure where to go from here and could use some advice.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
10
DivorcedAndDelighted · 14/05/2023 23:41

greenspaces4peace · 14/05/2023 23:31

but genital herpes will affect a woman and possibly mean a c/s or a very ill baby if exposed to it. increases the risk of miscarriages and premature labor.
oral herpes however does not mean a c/s, increased risk of miscarriage or premature labor.
i don't abide by liars and lying by omission is still a lie and yes it would be a deal breaker for me.

Women with Genital herpes should expect a normal delivery even if they have an outbreak at term. It's only if a woman has her primary infection, ie first ever outbreak, after 28 weeks that a CS is advised. See guidelines attached.

My girlfriend just disclosed she has herpes after a year of dating
twoandcooplease · 14/05/2023 23:41

Cherryblossoms85 · 14/05/2023 23:35

@Pudmyboy yes that was exactly the point I made and got jumped on, as if everyone runs around telling everyone who kisses them that they got a cold sore when they were 13. 🙄

I don't think you should have to do that. If it is only infectious when you actually have one then why would you

But then with genital herpes (which I see as different to a cold sore) I think it's something that should be talked about before sex so there's an understanding of trust re condoms and oral. Shouldn't the other person have all the info before making the decision to DTD?

Riri24 · 14/05/2023 23:41

To add...I definitely told my husband before unprotected sex, but not on our first date or anything.

HSV1Variant · 14/05/2023 23:42

twoandcooplease · 14/05/2023 23:41

I don't think you should have to do that. If it is only infectious when you actually have one then why would you

But then with genital herpes (which I see as different to a cold sore) I think it's something that should be talked about before sex so there's an understanding of trust re condoms and oral. Shouldn't the other person have all the info before making the decision to DTD?

Show quote history

Why do you see it differently? There are women on this thread telling you we have got the cold sore virus from idiots with cold sores who didn't tell us they got cold sores.

PerryMenno · 14/05/2023 23:42

Regardless of how common it is and which virus caused it and how stigmatised the person feels...

I think the majority of people who are lucky enough to have never had an outbreak of blisters on their genitals are very keen to keep it that way. And they want to know if a potential sexual partner has had them. Because no matter how uneducated or unfair it is, many will withdraw consent to sex with that knowledge.

To withhold information from someone knowing there's a high chance they won't have sex with you otherwise is just disgusting.

GeekyGirl42 · 14/05/2023 23:44

There’s been some mis-information here.

In pregnancy, they are only worried if you recently caught it or you caught it whilst pregnant. I gave birth vaginally and did not need to take suppression.

Asymptomatic shedding is rare in people who’ve had it long term. OP - I’m not surprised your anti-body test was negative, for that reason

WetBandits · 14/05/2023 23:44

greenspaces4peace · 14/05/2023 23:38

some touchy people, please note i did say POSSIBLY.
but the possibility is still there along with the need for additional monitoring and medication.

Not touchy, you’re just spreading more misinformation and contributing to the stigma.

I don’t have HSV (to my knowledge, I could be an asymptomatic carrier for all I know) but I diagnose and treat HSV several times every day so I do know a fair bit about it and will always correct/educate/dispel myths when I see misinformation being bandied about. The first thing a lot of my patients say is that they feel ‘dirty’ and that’s because they’ve all heard all these dreadful things. It’s just a skin condition for most people 😩 the people who may be more at risk will be identified and treated appropriately but the vast majority of people with HSV will have a few days of ‘ouch’ here and there and then go about their lives as normal.

Original poster
basscheck · 14/05/2023 23:46

@Bluebirds1987 just a heads up you can and often do pass it when not having an outbreak due to asymptomatic shedding. Most people with the virus shed a few days a month, but it's not always enough to infect another person

OP posts:
GeekyGirl42 · 14/05/2023 23:47

@WetBandits - thank you 💐- I would say the most ouchy thing about it has been the mental health aspect, caused by the terrible stigma.

Pudmyboy · 14/05/2023 23:48

@TableTime99 yes primary outbreaks are extremely painful and subsequent outbreaks can be but for those people suppressive treatment is available. I do not minimise the pain for these people. But for most, subsequent outbreaks are milder and self-managed with painkillers if needed and lessen over time.
Asymptomatic shedding occurs with both types.

GeekyGirl42 · 14/05/2023 23:49

@basscheck that’s not what the evidence based research says about asymptomatic shedding. Some GPs give out inaccurate information about this.

Thewitcherswolf · 14/05/2023 23:49

twoandcooplease · 14/05/2023 23:41

I don't think you should have to do that. If it is only infectious when you actually have one then why would you

But then with genital herpes (which I see as different to a cold sore) I think it's something that should be talked about before sex so there's an understanding of trust re condoms and oral. Shouldn't the other person have all the info before making the decision to DTD?

Show quote history

Read that back again and see if you can’t find the contradiction. Shouldn’t people be able to have the choice to not snog someone who once had a cold sore when they were 13?
Why do you see genital herpes as different to a cold sore? Same virus, sometimes a different variant, increasingly the same variant, different location. The reasons you feel genital herpes is different to oral herpes are not logical ones.

WetBandits · 14/05/2023 23:49

GeekyGirl42 · 14/05/2023 23:47

@WetBandits - thank you 💐- I would say the most ouchy thing about it has been the mental health aspect, caused by the terrible stigma.

I feel that, have given many a (probably unprofessional) hug to a crying person in my room! Flowers

CatchHimDerry · 14/05/2023 23:50

twoandcooplease · 14/05/2023 23:41

I don't think you should have to do that. If it is only infectious when you actually have one then why would you

But then with genital herpes (which I see as different to a cold sore) I think it's something that should be talked about before sex so there's an understanding of trust re condoms and oral. Shouldn't the other person have all the info before making the decision to DTD?

Show quote history

@twoandcooplease but is IS infectious, it’s not only when there is a visible sore.

Like so many are pointing out, and as @HSV1Variant is saying. That’s how so many end up with it

Face, genitals doesn’t matter. HSV1 is the same virus and will go where it pleases if given the chance

This is why disclosure is so important

suburbophobe · 14/05/2023 23:53

she shouldn't have allowed oral before telling you.

^^ This.

CatchHimDerry · 14/05/2023 23:55

@PerryMenno I agree with this

WetBandits · 14/05/2023 23:55

Just a side note - would anyone here want their teen DCs to be educated on things HSV? My Trust hasn’t commissioned us to deliver education sessions in schools and colleges for a while (at least since pre Covid) but I feel it might be time to push for them to let us go back in to talk about things like this. I diagnosed a 15 year old boy with genital HSV1 a couple of weeks ago, turns out his girlfriend had given him oral sex with an active cold sore. I feel like there’s a big knowledge gap here!

HSV1Variant · 14/05/2023 23:56

WetBandits · 14/05/2023 23:55

Just a side note - would anyone here want their teen DCs to be educated on things HSV? My Trust hasn’t commissioned us to deliver education sessions in schools and colleges for a while (at least since pre Covid) but I feel it might be time to push for them to let us go back in to talk about things like this. I diagnosed a 15 year old boy with genital HSV1 a couple of weeks ago, turns out his girlfriend had given him oral sex with an active cold sore. I feel like there’s a big knowledge gap here!

Accurate information needs to be spread as widely as the virus

Pudmyboy · 14/05/2023 23:57

It’s just a skin condition for most people
This, as @WetBandits says,
It is a virus whose primary presentation can be very painful (but not always), subsequent outbreaks are milder (and for those for whom it isn't, treatment to help control it is available), your immune system will keep it suppressed, asymptomatic sheddinglessens over time and even with an outbreak it is over within 5days, beginning to end, with reducing symptoms over that time, and: It’s just a skin condition for most people
The only reason it is stigmatized is because a market was needed for aciclovir when it was developed: that is why American websites talk about it being 'an sti for life' and scaring and shaming people for something they were not bothered about before.
It's all on the herpes virus association website!

GeekyGirl42 · 14/05/2023 23:57

@WetBandits 💯 - I’ve been trying to talk to my 15 year old about this without telling her why it’s important to me!! It sounds very much like they are not told anything about this at all

chrystlha · 14/05/2023 23:59

So you now have to warn future potential partners about your girlfriend having herpes and you sleeping together for a year. You used condoms etc. but it's hard to absolutely prove you're clear. When will you no longer have to do this? If you really love someone wouldn't you want to say, say in 10 years time, I am absolutely sure I am clear but, by the way, this happened 10 years ago. So, if you are considerate to future partners, super careful of their health you have to go over this each time - all because of the very special way your girlfriend thinks.
Surely that is an unbelievable thing to do. It appears she had a very clear understanding of why she shouldn't tell you and doesn't care that it will now also apply to you.
It's worth considering that herpes can be passed from mother to child during childbirth and this can be dangerous. It's not nothing. It's something you should have a choice about.

MayThe4th · 15/05/2023 00:00

If this was a woman posting that her bf Had suddenly announced that he had herpes after a year nobody would believe him.

OP, I suspect your gf has been shagging someone else, and personally I would get rid.

WetBandits · 15/05/2023 00:00

GeekyGirl42 · 14/05/2023 23:57

@WetBandits 💯 - I’ve been trying to talk to my 15 year old about this without telling her why it’s important to me!! It sounds very much like they are not told anything about this at all

It’s so difficult because I live in an area where many of the secondary schools are faith schools and they don’t want us anywhere near them 🥴😪 so we just get their students in needing emergency contraception and STI treatment every week because they’ve not been given the education they desperately need and deserve to protect themselves in the first place!

WetBandits · 15/05/2023 00:01

MayThe4th · 15/05/2023 00:00

If this was a woman posting that her bf Had suddenly announced that he had herpes after a year nobody would believe him.

OP, I suspect your gf has been shagging someone else, and personally I would get rid.

Oh come off it Confused do even the tiniest bit of research and you’ll realise you are talking utter bollocks.

GeekyGirl42 · 15/05/2023 00:05

chrystlha · 14/05/2023 23:59

So you now have to warn future potential partners about your girlfriend having herpes and you sleeping together for a year. You used condoms etc. but it's hard to absolutely prove you're clear. When will you no longer have to do this? If you really love someone wouldn't you want to say, say in 10 years time, I am absolutely sure I am clear but, by the way, this happened 10 years ago. So, if you are considerate to future partners, super careful of their health you have to go over this each time - all because of the very special way your girlfriend thinks.
Surely that is an unbelievable thing to do. It appears she had a very clear understanding of why she shouldn't tell you and doesn't care that it will now also apply to you.
It's worth considering that herpes can be passed from mother to child during childbirth and this can be dangerous. It's not nothing. It's something you should have a choice about.

Absolutely nothing here but scaremongering. OP, I strongly recommend talking to The Herpes Virus Association instead of listening to stuff like this.