My girlfriend just disclosed she has herpes after a year of dating

[basscheck]

My girlfriend (35) and I (33) have been dating for about a year now and she just disclosed she's had genital herpes the whole time. She only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. Other than this, things were going great.

Part of me wants to stay with her and the other part of me feels like this is just too much. Not sure where to go from here and could use some advice.

No.
Comparing different types of corona virus and covid is not a valid comparison. HSV-1 and HSV-2 are two variants of the same virus. Like covid Delta and Omega.
An example of two different but related herpes family viruses would be chicken pox and shingles (herpes zoster) and Herpes simplex (genital herpes + cold sores).
Nobody talks about chicken pox being this crazy dangerous and disgusting thing we should all avoid but actually it has quite similar consequences. Lots of people get one unpleasant outbreak then nothing more. The severity can vary from a couple of days feeling itchy and feverish to needing hospitalization to deadly. It is similarly dangerous for a woman to be infected for the first time during pregnancy. And some unlucky people get recurrences of the virus, particularly when stressed or rundown - this is what we call shingles.
Why is chicken pox no big deal but HSV is?

Sure but if someone knows they get cold sores this is pretty concrete info to work with

Cytomegalovirus is another one in the herpes family that a lot of adults get with no ill effects (sometimes no symptoms at all) and yet is extremely serious for babies.

Well good for you but I don’t want cold sores thanks, and I think most people who don’t get them feel exactly the same.

This. I wouldn’t and couldn’t trust her again. Relationship over

Agreed but in terms of genital herpes it's not a risk factor unless it's the primary outbreak or they are having an outbreak in labour. Cold sores are the biggest risk to babies.

Please read the thread plenty of people have provided evidence.

@Thewitcherswolf it's because HSv1 and 2 started to be demonised about 30 years ago when pharmaceutical companies in the US came up with anti virals. They couldn't market a drug for a condition no one was bothered about, so upped the ante on this particular virus to make it a thing that ought to be combatted by their drugs. Here's what the Herpes Virus Association say about a manufactured stigma..
https://herpes.org.uk/how-herpes-got-its-stigma/#more-41920

Have you read my comment? That's what I said.

@Stratusinium there is no risk of getting a cold sore from kissing someone who doesn't have an active cold sore. Educate yourself.

I've been sexually active longer than 30 years and can confirm people didn't like the idea of catching herpes way back then either.

This thread has been really informative in so many ways, but this conspiracy theory about everyone being totally cool with herpes until the pharmaceutical companies brainwashed us is just utter steaming bollocks.

You realise that's how most people catch it - via kissing? And most people are carriers but don't have outbreaks. And most people get genital herpes from someone with no visible outbreak doing down on them.

@sillyonehetpes Yes, I realise that kissing is the most common means of transmission. But what exactly are you suggesting- that a person who hasn't had a cold sore in 5 years should begin every social interaction that might lead to kissing with a full declaration of their cold sore virus status? I'll try that next time I go to France, sure it will go down a treat.

I'm afraid that, with the majority of people being carriers, it's really on you to call a halt to any imminent kiss if you're so worried about it. Should work a treat because I suspect that most people would be too weirded out to want to continue the kiss anyway.

As for facial to genital transmission, I understand that it is possible to transmit the virus when asymptomatic, but transmission is a lot more likely if tingling is felt (sufferers recognise this easily) or there is a visible sore. However please point me to your peer-reviewed source for the statement that this how "most people get genital herpes".

For context, I've been married 10 years and abstained from oral sex if I have a cold sore or feel one coming on. My husband hasn't got a cold sore on his todger yet. Neither did my previous long term partner of 8 years.

The first paragraph of this post was quoting @sillyonehetpes.

@greenel you know that “not having sores” doesn’t mean you don’t have herpes don’t you? You do know that? Because most people who have the virus (that’s 70% of the population) don’t even know they have it. You are obviously blithely (and rather smugly) ignorant about it!

@ChocChipHandbag most people have hSv on on their genitals and that's how the doctor told me it's generally transmitted. Most people have the virus and most people don't have outbreaks. You can be sure your husband has face cold sore virus from being with you.

Up to you If you want to let people know, much like OPs gf did.

Me too @PerryMenno . I'm 57, so probably been active even longer than you. I just don't recall it being a worry in my late teens or even into my twenties. DD (aged 25) is much more concerned about it. Mind you, just after I came of sexual age AIDS hit us, and frankly that would have knocked herpes into the long grass in terms of worries.

Yes, my husband does get face cold sores.

He's never had a genital one though.

Neither have I.

I'm fairly sure my husband knew I was a facial cold sore sufferer before I ever gave him a blow job.

I did not tell him (or any other man) that I was prone to facial cold sores before we first kissed. I don't kiss when I have an active cold sore or one on the way.

In what way am I like OP's gf, who did not tell him before sex that she had previously been diagnosed with genital herpes?

On a societal level it would be much safer for people to get regularly tested for HIV, take the now very effective drugs to control it, and not tell partners when their disease is undetectable and therefore untranslatable rather than have a situation where large numbers of people are scared to test and put it off so they genuinely do not know they have it but keep spreading it for months or years before finally getting tested. If everyone got tested and was responsible about treating their HIV then the virus could theoretically be eradicated in a generation. While I do think morally people should reveal their HIV status (and HSV-1 or HSV-2 status) before embarking upon a new sexual relationship, legally people living with HIV no longer have to reveal their status as long as they have taken all the necessary steps to protect their partners - so taking their drugs correctly, monitoring their viral levels, and using condoms.

Very good point @Thewitcherswolf - the stigma around a health condition can lead to people not getting tested and then potentially passing it on to others and also some people diagnosed and not in care due to stigma received amongst other issues. There is a lot of work currently being done around getting to zero by 2030. https://fasttrackcities.london/

Just to clarify for those of us taking meds, on effective treatment and with regular testing we simply can't pass HIV on to our partners so condoms aren't even needed to protect our partners. (This is England and Wales - laws can vary around the world).

That's why I attached the guidance from the Herpes Viruses Association. Herpes is only dangerous to the unborn child if it's the mother's first infection, contracted in late pregnancy, before sufficient maternal antibodies are present to protect the baby. As OP's girlfriend knows she's already infected, this would not be an issue. In case of recurrent episodes in late pregnancy, preventative medication can be given.

As OP's girlfriend knows she's already infected, this would not be an issue

Most relationships don't last. The likelihood is, he'll be having a baby with another woman who may not be a herpes carrier.

And no one who has it goes 37 years without any sores. There have been periods where I have been immune compromised or run down as has my partner and no sores. 40% of the world's population don't have it so frankly yes, I don't consider myself to have it. There's a reason the medical community don't consider 100% of the population to have it... because they don't!

Oh I see what you mean - sorry, I misunderstood. Fair point.

It would be a deal breaker for me.

Appreciate you sharing your story. Hope your flare up reduces soon! She did say that I was the first partner since her diagnosis that she would have had to disclose to. I'm a pretty forgiving person so I'm not sure if I'm out of bounds here or not. I'd love to find a way to be with her, but I also don't want genital herpes or this to weigh on the relationship forever either. Unfortunately she's not able to take antivirals to reduce the transmission rate. Feels like I'm in an impossible spot

You're allowed to take your time to digest this and work out what you want, just keep her informed of where you are at in the process otherwise she will feel pushed out regardless of what decision you make. Keep talking to her.

Yes, keep talking to her. The risks aren’t as big as they would first seem. It is usually people who aren’t aware they have it that give it to others. Your girlfriend did a very brave thing in telling you. I do agree it would have better had she told you much sooner, and I can imagine she really wishes she had. However, that can’t be changed, and honestly, sane people who are fun to be in relationships with aren’t so easily found.

I’ve had it for 25 years and I’ve had lots of sex but I don’t take suppression therapy. I have never infected anyone. I protect my partners primarily by avoiding sex if I feel so much as a tingle (often the first sign), and yes, I tell them, but there was a period where I wouldn’t have done.

I’d definitely recommend calling the HVA helpline - there’s a lovely group of volunteers and support workers on the other side.