My girlfriend just disclosed she has herpes after a year of dating

[basscheck]

My girlfriend (35) and I (33) have been dating for about a year now and she just disclosed she's had genital herpes the whole time. She only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. Other than this, things were going great.

Part of me wants to stay with her and the other part of me feels like this is just too much. Not sure where to go from here and could use some advice.

"Where does that end. there are people who have HIV without knowing it as well, so perfectly ok to be HIV positive then and not disclose it to a sexual partner?*
Oh lordie this is the fear mongering I was worried about.
It is *not" the logical conclusion of non-disclosure of HSV, they are very different viruses!
HIV attacks the immune system to the point when you can no longer fight even basic infections and that is when you can get an AIDs defining illness such as PCP
HSV is a virus that lies dormant without causing any harm to the person and may emerge from time to time, travelling down a nerve fibre to create a blister, and this is why it is painful.
It is not a life threatening condition.
Also, HIV treatments are so effective at suppressing that virus, that if a person on treatment and a suppressed viral load of more than six months, they are considered unable to pass the virus on, so do not need to disclose.
Look up U=U @MayThe4th

False equivalence @MayThe4th

"I have a long term partner currently and neither he nor I have either of the strains".

How do you know that @greenel ?

I contracted HSV2 when I was 19, I'm now 50. I disclosed it to all potential partners after that and I'd say rejection was about 50% - some understood that in the absence of a live flare up, the chance of asymptomatic shedding of virus is vanishingly low but not zero. The other 50% hot footed it out of the door before you could say UNCLEAN!!! BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!!!

When I met my DH I disclosed it very early on, well before any sexual activity, and he asked sensible questions and gave it some thought. In his mind it's just "coldsores" so just like you wouldn't kiss someone on the mouth or cheek if they had a bloody great coldsore on their lip, we abstain from sexual contact during an outbreak. I'm 25 years, with me having pretty regular outbreaks (maybe 5 or 6 a year, although I'm currently having a vicious flare that's lasted 4 weeks due to stress), he has not once developed a sore or a blemish or had any symptoms. That's not to say he wouldn't test positive though, he might well be a carrier. 🤷‍♀️

She should 100% have disclosed it before you had sexual contact OP, it's a lifelong condition and she should have warned you so you could think about it. However - she's human, she was afraid of rejection. If you've had no symptoms and tested negative you're no worse off than when you met her, other than knowing that she kept it from you (which I suspect was due to her belief that that was 0% chance of transmission without being in an outbreak, which is aaaalmost true but not quite).

So...do you feel the same about her?

If you do disclose I think a sensible way of doing it is to say 'look I've got herpes... etc... but here's the important thing - knowing I have it makes me a safer bet than being intimate with some who doesn't know'.
If they run away away screaming 'unclean' then they don't have much facility for critical thinking. If they say 'ok thanks for telling g me.. what's the strategy?' then you have a smart one!

I haven’t read all the messages but wanted to post as I do have a lot sympathy for your girlfriend. I understand this sounds like a lot but please be kind whatever your decision is on the relationship. Your reaction may impact how she deals with this issue in the future and as you can see there is a lot of OTT social stigma out there about a cold sore in the wrong place!

people should 100% disclose before intercourse, but I remember how scared I was disclosing to my lovely DP 5 years ago, who to my amazement at the time wrapped his arms around me and told me he didn’t care. It sometimes isn’t easy the first time.

From a practical point of view, I’ve only had a couple of flair ups in the years we’ve been together and we have simply avoided sex during those times. It has had no bigger impact on our sex lives than that. We don’t use condoms (my DPs choice) and he has not had any symptoms although we both realise there is always a small risk.

Herpes is actually very common, people just don’t talk about it which is why it has such a social stigma.

I think you just have to assume that all new sexual partners may have slept with someone in the past who had an STI.
You could (and I think should) ask for a clean STI screening test before starting a sexual relationship. That won’t tell you about herpes though. If you are dating and sleeping with new partners then you should get test yourself, ideally between all new partners plus again about 6 weeks into new relationships.
You could ask how many previous partners they have had? They’ll probably lie to you, but someone who has only had one previous sexual partner (esp if they were both virgins when they met) is less risky than someone who has had dozens and has frequent short term sexual encounters. You could refuse to date anyone who wants to include oral sex or who has ever had oral sex.
How much this will limit your dating pool is going to depend on age and also how big your dating pool was to begin with. If you’re no longer a teenager, you may find it eliminates your dating pool completely.
Maybe pointless was the wrong word. ‘Unrealistic’ might be better.

On a societal level it would be much safer for people to get regularly tested for HIV, take the now very effective drugs to control it, and not tell partners when their disease is undetectable and therefore untranslatable rather than have a situation where large numbers of people are scared to test and put it off so they genuinely do not know they have it but keep spreading it for months or years before finally getting tested. If everyone got tested and was responsible about treating their HIV then the virus could theoretically be eradicated in a generation. While I do think morally people should reveal their HIV status (and HSV-1 or HSV-2 status) before embarking upon a new sexual relationship, legally people living with HIV no longer have to reveal their status as long as they have taken all the necessary steps to protect their partners - so taking their drugs correctly, monitoring their viral levels, and using condoms.

Untranslatable = untransmittable

My sister gets regularly outbreaks. She takes medication for it full time. Everyone on MN though seems to only get it once then never again doesn’t ring true 🤔

@CadburyDream , two thirds of people who carry HSV2 don't even know they've got it. Of those who do know they've got it, the majority will have an initial episode which may or may not be painful, and then subsequent outbreaks, if they occur, will be minor. However, some people are less lucky and get regular, painful outbreaks. This is unusual. So, depending on how many people join in Mumsnet threads on this topic, it's entirely possible that the small percentage who have painful, recurrent outbreaks just aren't active here.

Yes minor but all I ever read on here is "I've had one outbreak and never had one again in 50 years" surely some people must still be getting them even if they are minor as herpes isn't something you get once then never get again, you would think so on here though so people aren't being 100% honest

It is the same thing. My partner had a cold sore, gave me oral and I ended up with genital herpes!

op, yes she should have told you but it sounds like she thought it was fine unless having an outbreak which generally it is. But do your research as it’s not the be all and end all, it’s not a massive deal, many many people live with it and it doesn’t affect their lives. Like me, it certainly doesn’t affect mine.

@AbsolutePixels just FYI about risks during pregnancy - not sure if you saw but there's been a lot of discussion of this up-thread. Info from the Herpes Viruses Association in attached image.

I see what you mean, but that hasn't been what I've seen on here 🤷‍♀️ several people on this thread have mentioned having had subsequent outbreaks, though I think only one who has regular ones.

In your position I’d be concerned about TTC and the unprotected nature of that and obviously supporting her through childbirth when the time comes. It’s something you need to be fully onboard with or else it’s not fair on her.

@twoandcooplease Yes, exactly. As if not telling a partner you have only kissed that you sometimes get cold sores (in my case about once a decade) is exactly the same thing as not telling a sexual partner on whom you perform oral sex that you have genital herpes.

Because at 37 neither of us have had any sores, ever. And we were both in long term relationships with other people who had only been long term relationships who never had sores either. So the opportunities to have caught it and been unaware is very low.

Problems arise when a woman is infected with herpes during pregnancy and her body does not have time to produce antibodies before the birth. Babies have immature immune systems so herpes is a very serious disease for them. It quickly spreads to the major organs and is often fatal. If a woman has longstanding herpes she is usually given antivirals as the birth approaches. Some of her antibodies may have crossed the placenta to protect baby from serious illness if infection occurs. There is also a risk of a baby being infected post-delivery if handled/kissed by an HPV carrier.

If OP intends to have children in the future, he may want to give consideration to these risks. Herpes is a trivial disease for robust adults but deadly for babies.

Sorry... Meant 'HSV carrier'...

You realise that's how most people catch it - via kissing? And most people are carriers but don't have outbreaks. And most people get genital herpes from someone with no visible outbreak doing down on them.

It doesn't matter how many people know or don't know they have it. She knew, so not telling you is a massive breach of trust and would be a dealbreaker for me.

Yes lots of people carry hsv1 but not hsv2 snd they are not tye same.

I am comparing a virus and a vaccine to demonstrate that other iterations of the corona virus exist. You probably just haven't heard of them. If you don't understand this you should educate yourself.

And I don't have hav1 or 2, I've never had a coldsore and I don't exchange saliva with anybody. I'm autistic and don't even like being touched, I have been germphobic sinxe i was as a child as well so have never shared drinks etc. Partner eas a virgin when we met and had never kissed anybody. So no, I don't have it. Sorry to disappoint lol

This

It's also inconsequential for this couple because she's not pregnant and has a historical instance of herpes.

It's relevant because herpes is disease that affects carriers throughout their lifecourse. I don't know how old OP is, if he already has children or if he'd like to start a family in the future. Information about neonatal herpes could be extremely relevant to his dilemma.

In general terms, it's important to spread awareness of neonatal herpes and how best to protect babies. This is a good website for those who wish to learn more:
https://www.kittarkafoundation.org/neonatal-herpes-info-and-advice