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Original poster

My girlfriend just disclosed she has herpes after a year of dating

217 replies

basscheck · 14/05/2023 22:24

My girlfriend (35) and I (33) have been dating for about a year now and she just disclosed she's had genital herpes the whole time. She only disclosed because she was having an outbreak and didn't want to infect me. We've always used condoms (except for oral) and unfortunately hadn't talked about our sexual statuses before this. I would have expected to have been told before we ever had sex about this, but she was under the impression she only had to bring it up when an outbreak was going on to stay safe. Other than this, things were going great.

Part of me wants to stay with her and the other part of me feels like this is just too much. Not sure where to go from here and could use some advice.

OP posts:
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10
sillyonehetpes · 14/05/2023 23:25

... or I spat on my hand for lube....

I also have herpes up my nose. And mouth.

Nolosomi · 14/05/2023 23:25

Unfortunately there is a lot of stigma surrounding Herpes - she must be so mortified by it and knew she had to tell you at some point (probably when she felt she could trust you?). It is a condition that is only transmitted when there is an outbreak so she’s told you now she’s having one. I feel for her and hope you’ll support her if you love her.

GeekyGirl42 · 14/05/2023 23:26

@HSV1Variant yes!!! Would be lovely, if when doing that bit of PSHE in school, they could, without stigmatising it, point out that coldsores can be transmitted through oral sex!

WetBandits · 14/05/2023 23:26

Nolosomi · 14/05/2023 23:25

Unfortunately there is a lot of stigma surrounding Herpes - she must be so mortified by it and knew she had to tell you at some point (probably when she felt she could trust you?). It is a condition that is only transmitted when there is an outbreak so she’s told you now she’s having one. I feel for her and hope you’ll support her if you love her.

There is a lot of horrible stigma around herpes, but it is possible to transmit it without an active outbreak (asymptomatic shedding)

Pudmyboy · 14/05/2023 23:28

@twoandcooplease but would they say anything with no cold sore present? That is what the OP and others on the thread are saying, the partner said nothing till she thought she had an outbreak. My analogy was if you knew you had the oral cold sore virus would you tell anyone you kissed if you did not have a blister?

HSV1Variant · 14/05/2023 23:30

Pudmyboy · 14/05/2023 23:28

@twoandcooplease but would they say anything with no cold sore present? That is what the OP and others on the thread are saying, the partner said nothing till she thought she had an outbreak. My analogy was if you knew you had the oral cold sore virus would you tell anyone you kissed if you did not have a blister?

People don't.

How many of us have had a drunken snog with a stranger? Do you know all those snogs herpes status?

The reason many of us end up in this situation is because people don't disclose they get cold sores.

greenel · 14/05/2023 23:31

@sillyonehetpes not for a casual shag, nope. And definitely not for a casual shag who has told me they have genital herpes.

Pudmyboy · 14/05/2023 23:31

Another resource is British Association of Sexual Health and HIV (BASHH), they have patient information leaflets and professional advice.
Asymptomatic shedding lessens the longer someone has the virus, and is most likely to happen in the first year.

greenspaces4peace · 14/05/2023 23:31

but genital herpes will affect a woman and possibly mean a c/s or a very ill baby if exposed to it. increases the risk of miscarriages and premature labor.
oral herpes however does not mean a c/s, increased risk of miscarriage or premature labor.
i don't abide by liars and lying by omission is still a lie and yes it would be a deal breaker for me.

twoandcooplease · 14/05/2023 23:31

@Pudmyboy no I can't see how that comes up in conversation without actually having a cold sore present

No one is going to stop a peck on the cheek or more to say "wait, just to let you know I get cold sore sometimes"
I can't imagine that scenario so I understand your analogy

HSV1Variant · 14/05/2023 23:32

greenspaces4peace · 14/05/2023 23:31

but genital herpes will affect a woman and possibly mean a c/s or a very ill baby if exposed to it. increases the risk of miscarriages and premature labor.
oral herpes however does not mean a c/s, increased risk of miscarriage or premature labor.
i don't abide by liars and lying by omission is still a lie and yes it would be a deal breaker for me.

Wrong. I've given birth vaginally since my diagnosis

TableTime99 · 14/05/2023 23:34

Pudmyboy · 14/05/2023 23:28

@twoandcooplease but would they say anything with no cold sore present? That is what the OP and others on the thread are saying, the partner said nothing till she thought she had an outbreak. My analogy was if you knew you had the oral cold sore virus would you tell anyone you kissed if you did not have a blister?

It is quite different thought. Firstly, genital herpes can be extremely painful if you have an outbreak, cold sores are nowhere near as agonising. Secondly, you are much more likely to pass on genital herpes when you don't have an outbreak as you can shed cells without knowing it, not everyone has obvious warning signs. Thirdly, the social stigma on its own is a reason to tell someone (and also a reason people may not tell someone. Lastly, it affects your life a lot more. Interrupts your sex life. May result in you needing to take medication if it is extremely painful or your outbreaks happen often. Can affect people with autoimmune conditions very severely. Can result in having to have a c section if you have an outbreak when you're due to give birth. Etc etc.

Okthenhun · 14/05/2023 23:34

Thewitcherswolf · 14/05/2023 23:04

See, this annoys me. I get cold sores on my face occasionally. I have always told partners about it early on and am extremely careful to avoid kissing and oral sex if I feel like one might possibly be starting. I caught the virus from the first partner I ever kissed, who went on to be my first sexual partner too. It’s probably HSV1 but I’ve never had that confirmed medically. The difference between my scenario and an STI is what? Very little as far as I can see. The idea that oral herpes is no big deal and genital herpes is a disgusting shameful life sentence is weird. They are two variants of the same disease.

Show quote history

Completely correct.

overthinkersanonnymus · 14/05/2023 23:34

Cherryblossoms85 · 14/05/2023 22:55

I remember casually telling my now DH I had a cold sore one evening and he totally freaked out because he thought it was the same thing as the STI version. Certainly would tell someone about an STI though.

It is the same thing. The majority or genital herpes are caused by the HSV1 strain that you have on your face

WetBandits · 14/05/2023 23:35

greenspaces4peace · 14/05/2023 23:31

but genital herpes will affect a woman and possibly mean a c/s or a very ill baby if exposed to it. increases the risk of miscarriages and premature labor.
oral herpes however does not mean a c/s, increased risk of miscarriage or premature labor.
i don't abide by liars and lying by omission is still a lie and yes it would be a deal breaker for me.

More misinformation 🤦🏼‍♀️

It can cause issues if it’s a first outbreak during late pregnancy, in which case a c section might be recommended. Recurrent herpes rarely causes any problems, and pregnant women can start on suppression from 36/40 to prevent outbreaks, and can absolutely have a normal vaginal delivery.

Cherryblossoms85 · 14/05/2023 23:35

@Pudmyboy yes that was exactly the point I made and got jumped on, as if everyone runs around telling everyone who kisses them that they got a cold sore when they were 13. 🙄

HSV1Variant · 14/05/2023 23:36

Can also have vaginal deliveries without being on medication too. It's only an issue if there is an outbreak present.

sillyonehetpes · 14/05/2023 23:36

HSV1Variant · 14/05/2023 23:36

Can also have vaginal deliveries without being on medication too. It's only an issue if there is an outbreak present.

And it's her first outbreak

Pudmyboy · 14/05/2023 23:37

@greenspaces4peace if a woman is known to have genital HSV she can have suppressive treatment in the third trimester.
There is a risk in childbirth if the woman has a primary outbreak at the time of delivery, but there have also been cases of babies becoming ill from well meaning relatives with oral cold sores wanting to kiss the baby.
This threat is more to do with the neonate not having an immune system.

greenspaces4peace · 14/05/2023 23:38

some touchy people, please note i did say POSSIBLY.
but the possibility is still there along with the need for additional monitoring and medication.

HSV1Variant · 14/05/2023 23:38

I know a baby whose excema got infected with herpes after a relative kissed them. Poor thing nearly died.

But no one is ever concerned with that. It's always genital herpes that's the nasty one.

Bluebirds1987 · 14/05/2023 23:39

I think if you're educated about it, it's probably not as big a deal as you think it is. I have HSV1. I was young when I had my first outbreak down there and I was absolutely horrified, googled it all and saw there's all sorts of support groups and things, and I thought I was doomed forever. I've only had 1 new partner since getting it (my now husband) and i didn't tell him until we decided to start having unprotected sex, so out of the dating stage and starting to get into "serious" territory. he was absolutely fine with it. I'm not sure I'd have told him straight away? but definitely before unprotected sex. I can't remember if I told him before having oral sex tbh, but it wouldn't have mattered anyway because he already got cold sores and since I knew it was HSV1 he already had it on his face anyway so couldnt have caught it from me. We don't have sex if I have an outbreak, and he doesn't kiss me if he has a cold sore!
It doesn't particularly impact me - I have the odd outbreak if stressed or run down, but it's probably less than once a year, and I don't get any physical signs anymore, it's literally just sore in certain spots and I know that's what it is.

I think if there's a risk of passing it on then the right thing would be to mention it prior to having unprotected sex. But, equally it's only passed on if you have sex during an outbreak (the same as coldsores are only passed on when you have one) so I don't think it's terrible it's not been mentioned, it just would have been better earlier on.

Riri24 · 14/05/2023 23:40

I caught herpes about 12 years ago from someone who had a coldsore brewing. Didn't have a clue that could happen before it did. I do remember being so upset because of the stigma, but in reality it's not impacted my life at all. I have a lovely husband who as far as we know has not caught it in 8 years. There is a lot of misinformation out there and it really is very common. I would read the herpes association website and then make you own choice based on that and of course based on your relationship.

CatchHimDerry · 14/05/2023 23:40

Oh deary me

as @HSV1Variant rightly points out, possible CS delivery is only in a newly acquired infection, very close to birth, as the body has not yet formed antibodies which would pass to the baby

My consultant was very keen to reiterate this during my own pregnancy and CS was not recommended, but was offered anti-virals from around week 36

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