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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband strangled me last night.

372 replies

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 08/05/2023 14:07

Basically that really. I've been with my husband for 10 years. He has always had a temper and can be quite shouty at times. He has pushed me over a few times during arguments over the years but last night was the first time he has strangled me...its escalating isn't it? His dad beat his mum until she managed to get away from him and I'm worried about his temper and behaviour.

We are happily married despite this but he has a problem with drinking which is getting worse too but I'm scared now! He told me he is sorry but that's what they all say isn't it...im so shocked do you think this could have been a one time thing or am I being silly. He was drunk but that's no excuse.

OP posts:
Whadda · 08/05/2023 17:19

Hated reading that you have a little boy.

Think about what he’ll see as he grows up and how he’ll take that into his own relationships. If you have girls? Think about what they’ll grow up believing is acceptable.

Break the cycle.

Nanaof1 · 08/05/2023 17:22

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 08/05/2023 14:07

Basically that really. I've been with my husband for 10 years. He has always had a temper and can be quite shouty at times. He has pushed me over a few times during arguments over the years but last night was the first time he has strangled me...its escalating isn't it? His dad beat his mum until she managed to get away from him and I'm worried about his temper and behaviour.

We are happily married despite this but he has a problem with drinking which is getting worse too but I'm scared now! He told me he is sorry but that's what they all say isn't it...im so shocked do you think this could have been a one time thing or am I being silly. He was drunk but that's no excuse.

They always say they'll never do it again, until they do it again.

It only takes one time for it to be your last time. Your children need you and you need to leave. Don't tell him you are going, just go with the children.

Perfect28 · 08/05/2023 17:24

Strangulation is a big big red flag for murder. Get out as soon as you safely and physically can.

GracePalmer33 · 08/05/2023 17:26

This is really bad. Please get somewhere safe. Men who strangle often go on to kill. I'm so sorry but once this line has been crossed there's no going back. He will keep doing it and if he keeps doing it, it's likely that one day you will die.

Emotionalsupportviper · 08/05/2023 17:27

LivingMyBestAnxietyLife · 08/05/2023 14:07

Basically that really. I've been with my husband for 10 years. He has always had a temper and can be quite shouty at times. He has pushed me over a few times during arguments over the years but last night was the first time he has strangled me...its escalating isn't it? His dad beat his mum until she managed to get away from him and I'm worried about his temper and behaviour.

We are happily married despite this but he has a problem with drinking which is getting worse too but I'm scared now! He told me he is sorry but that's what they all say isn't it...im so shocked do you think this could have been a one time thing or am I being silly. He was drunk but that's no excuse.

HUGE red flag!

Statistics have proven that a man who "strangles" is seven times more likely to end up killing his partner.

I'm not trying to frighten you; I'm telling you to take notice of this as a warning.

Report him to the police. Get a record of it. Have photos taken if he has left marks on you. He is VERY dangerous.

REignbow · 08/05/2023 17:30

The fact that he did this in front of another person means it has escalated.

The only option is to leave. You need to call the police and he needs to be arrested.

Notimeforaname · 08/05/2023 17:32

OP you can ring the police quietly in another room. Call them today and log the issue, tell them you can talk more tomorrow but need to let them know.

You can absolutely call them today. Go to another room or step outside. Please do it today.

Jitterybugs · 08/05/2023 17:33

I’m feeling physically sick reading this thread . My friend’s daughter was strangled to death by her husband. Their bewildered 4 year old little boy had to be taken in by his heartbroken grandparents and he went to prison. He snivelled and cried in court and said he lost his temper but didn’t mean it to go that far . Once a man has his hands round a woman’s throat he is already completely out of control.

TheCatterall · 08/05/2023 17:34

@LivingMyBestAnxietyLife if he’s aware he has anger issues, especially when drinking and has made zero efforts to get help or stop drinking and its escalating- you’ve done enough. Given enough chances. He won’t change as there have been no consequences to his angry outbursts in the past.

good luck sorting this out and hope you have support around you.

AzureBlue99 · 08/05/2023 17:35

I would talk to the police now, regardless of your son over hearing. There has been some good advice on here, practical and relaying their own experiences. My dad once strangled me to the point I was on the verge of passing out.My mum had not long died, I was about 14 and stuck. I didn't tell anyone. He used to beat my mum, including when she has terminal cancer. Whatever their back stories they are inarticulate men who express themselves with their brute strength- they see the women in their families as their possessions who deserve putting back in their places. I would urge you, for the sake of your children, to call the police tonight. The fact he has been crying all day is a sign he knows he has crossed a line and the self preservation streak in him may make him escalate.

Please take care.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 08/05/2023 17:37

Don't let his mum know Keep things as " normal" as they can be until you can safely get out
Maybe take DC out for some milk or something?
Those tears are not real. He knows he's lost you Take care

summervibes2023 · 08/05/2023 17:38

I am sure other people have already told you this, but it's a shocking escalation to go from pushing straight away to strangling. Your life is in danger and you're not safe with him.

Lsquiggles · 08/05/2023 17:40

How terrifying, please leave for yourself and your kids

HowManyBoxes1000 · 08/05/2023 17:40

He strangled me
We are happily married

These 2 sentences do not go together

Save yourself
Save your children

Boujee11 · 08/05/2023 17:48

After having abusive ex when I read threads like this I think how quickly I would want to get out of there. Do you have family you can go to OP? If it were me and I had the means to do so I would take the kids out to the shops and not come back.

Temporaryname158 · 08/05/2023 17:55

Hi Op,

please call the police asap. The same happened to me, he’d never been in my eyes at the time violent before it had ‘only’ been pushing or getting angry and punching walls, then he tried to strangle me.

I reported him to the police but refused to press charges. I was vulnerable and uneducated about domestic violence. The female police officer stopped as she walked out the door and said to me, don’t take him back, he’ll do it again. I was furious with her tell me that, and 8 hours later picking him up at the station, he cried was so sorry etc etc. I was stupid.

guess what, less than 2 months later he did it again and I’m lucky to be alive. I didn’t give him another opportunity.

please do report and please do press charges. When you dump him another woman might do a Claire’s law check and at least it would show up to warn her. I wish I’d pressed charges

EarthSight · 08/05/2023 17:56

OP, given that he's crossed one of the biggest lines there is to cross, what would it actually take for you to leave him? Next time, will it involve strangling you until you pass out? There may not be a next time. Or maybe he hits you over the head and you end up in hospital with a serious condition.

its escalating isn't it?

I think your danger sense it way off, probably from years of being in this relationship.

It's not escalating, it's already escalated.

Temporaryname158 · 08/05/2023 17:58

go to the toilet and report it online giving your address and asking them to come round and remove him

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 08/05/2023 17:59

No its not escalat(ing) its gone way past that. He could have killed you.
Its already escala(ted) to the top floor and gone right through the roof.
Next time and I guarantee there will be a next time you may not be fortunate enough to start a thread. You don't need me to tell you you need to do I'm sure you know that yourself

Mustardseed86 · 08/05/2023 18:00

This is so dangerous. I think you should get checked over, medically in case it's caused damage you're unaware of. And absolutely you must leave for your own safety - I know that's easier said than done but please please make your safety the priority. Any man who can do that to you is unsafe to be around, full stop. There's no grey area there, and that includes if he promises to get help or stop drinking. Let him do that for himself if he chooses to but there will never be a solid foundation for a continuing relationship unfortunately. Call women's aid, I'm so very sorry this has happened to you. Flowers

BaroldBalonz · 08/05/2023 18:03

Get out
get out
get out.

Last week a friend's ex got jailed for 19 years for strangling her to death.

BeverlyHa · 08/05/2023 18:08

Just pick up whatever you can and go.

Knackerednow2019 · 08/05/2023 18:11

Please get out. It is escalating and he will kill you. Men like this do not change.

Zanatdy · 08/05/2023 18:11

Happened to my mums cousins daughter only she didn’t get out alive. He killed her when she went back for some stuff, and their 7 month old baby. Leave, and don’t ever spend anytime alone in his company again

Feelingsad12 · 08/05/2023 18:12

When this happened to me it also followed years of the odd push here and there a lot of verbal abuse etc.
I left my exh for a few days, he did a really good job of sobbing wailing etc etc, he then got help stopped drinking, smoking weed , enroled on a domestic abuser course etc etc and was never physically a threat to me again.
however, once that happened I just lost all respect for him and I resented him deeply for what he has put me through (he had also left me doing all the work with two babies entirely alone .. another thread)
I just wasn’t attracted to him, thought he was pathetic really and eventually left when my dcs were 2 and 5.
I have never looked back my life is now beyond what I could have ever imagined and most days I feel so incredibly lucky.
I think once a relationship has gone there you just don’t come back from it - whatever they do