Casual sex - why does it make me feel shit?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Just some Sunday evening musings as I am not out and working tomo!

I very much consider myself open minded and I believe strongly in human and women's rights....I don't at all think women in general have casual sex is a bad thing/they should be looked upon any differently a man having casual sex?

So why does it make ME feel awful? I've been out of the dating game a long time/haven't had sex due to health issues, but the few times I have had casual, it has made me feel terrible! Used and gross, when I know I shouldn't feel like that as it is not 'wrong' or 'dirty' or whatever!

Just wondering if anyone else feels like this about casual? And trying to figure out why it is I feel like that?

Am I too uptight?

Why does something normal make me feel so horrible?

Interested to hear perspectives!

Do you definitely want to have sex at the time? Is it fun at the time and then it is after you feel bad?

Everybody is different when it comes to sex and what we want. It kind of sounds like you're being self critical for feeling a particular way, and worrying your feelings are somehow wrong?

You're normal. You need meaningful connection not soulless sex. Women don't have to have casual sex to feel emancipated.

Here's a perspective:

@BumblingAlonggg - anytime I have done casual I have been drunk at the time and then regretted it afterwards! But wanted to in the moment I guess.

I think it's because I do truly believe that women should be 100% equal to men, so why do I feel used and gross after casual? Isn't that unfeminist/anti-feminist of me?

It isn't wrong to have casual sex but it isn't compulsory either! If it isn't for you, it isn't for you.

Fwiw, I had a few random hook ups in my youth and then met DH. In hindsight the hook ups were so shit in comparison, so I can't see myself doing it again if anything happened between DH and me.

But another thing to consider is social conditioning. It may be that you feel you shouldn't be doing it because of the expectations traditionally placed on women to be pure etc

I think this is very common. You are being very hard on yourself asking “why does something normal make me feel horrible?” For most of human history casual sex hasn’t been normal as contraception hasn’t been the normal. Even today, lots and lots of women have no interest in it whatsoever.

If casual sex is not for you, that’s completely fine. Lots of women (and plenty of men) find sex unfulfilling without an emotional connection. If you’re one of them, embrace it.

Why does 100% equal to men have to mean 100% the same as men? Ok, so you have 100% the same right and ability to have causal sex as men - you don’t have to do it though. We’re not the same as men. But we welcome the same opportunities, education, pay and other treatment as men. That’s what being equal means. Not that we all have to act exactly the same.

I find your thinking in this regard a little odd. Wouldn't catch me having casual sex meaningless and just letting yourself be used. And seriously if it only gives fleeting enjoyment but regrets or whatever afterwards why do it

Everyone has preferences op, like you said, casual sex is fine, but for yourself you have discovered it doesn't fulfil you in any way, it's purely a physical act, it's not meaningful.
If it helps, when I was much younger I had two casual encounters, one was so drunk he couldn't perform and the second I wasn't feeling quite right about it, he was a friend of a friend, but I only just met him, anyway, I resorted to handiwork and left.
The idea of casual sex leaves me feeling cold and dry, I need an emotional connection and a level of trust to enjoy sex, nothing wrong with that either.

Absolutely not!

Casual sex works for SOME people. Not all people.

The fact there's more of a movement towards casual sex in parts of the world now doesn't mean its for everyone. It just means that for those who do enjoy it, they can.

Listen to how you feel and enjoy the type of sex life that feels right to you.

Have you tried it when not drunk? Maybe that's the part causing the problems.

Perfectly normal and leaves you feeling a little dead inside. Eventually you become more careful about who you are sharing your energy with as this has a bigger impact than we realise.

It’s just personal preference. Not a sex thing necessarily. My husband hasn’t had any random sexual encounters, only ever within commuted relationships. I have had one night stands and no regrets there. One of the worst shags was a one night guy but he was very young and inexperienced but boosted my ego when it was needed. Another was fantastic sex but just not my type out of the bedroom. I am not odd and neither is my husband… don’t overthink it @WitheringTights000 it’s maybe just not for you. How do you feel about masturbation?

You really need to stop comparing yourself to some "ideal" that has nothing to do with you or with being a feminist.

Casual sex doesn't work for you, end of. You don't need to explain yourself or apologise for it.

Could it be because you’re drunk so you don’t properly remember it and it doesn’t line up with how you feel sober? Hangovers can also bring feelings of anxiety and low mood.

I was also thinking social conditioning as a PP said. If you grow up in a world where words like sl*t etc exist to describe sexually active women and insinuate they’re damaged and dirty, it’s hard to shake off. Even if you don’t believe that, it’s easy to internalise it when it’s a large social narrative.

I don’t like the terminology “being used” or “letting yourself be used”. That only really applies if you think women aren’t an equal participant in sex, but are a passive receiver of men “doing” sex to them.

All of that said, if you don’t like it or get any enjoyment from it, you don’t have to do it, and that won’t make you any less feminist.

Yes I feel the same! It’s the reason I’ve been celibate for 6 years as I don’t want causal sex it use to make me feel like shit, as a lone parent who gets no time to meet anyone I’m often told to find myself a fwb but they are not for me I end up feeling bad about myself that someone sees me as only good enough to sleep with (I know plenty are ok with this)

I think it’s to do with the messed up way men view casual sex.

quite frankly, I wish I had more casual sex.

unfortunately, many guys view it as having ‘tricked’ women into giving them ‘a shag for free’, rather than something that can be fun for both parties.

guys like that give me the instant ‘ick’ so I’ve not had sex with them.

of the guys I’ve had casual sex with, none of the ones where it was most enjoyable were British. Many UK blokes don’t seem to get that it can be a mutually fun experience where you don’t have to behave like a disrespectful dick.

@WhatWeDoInTheShadow - I guess that's what I am wondering! Do I feel I shouldn't be doing it because of society etc, if there was no judgement, would I want to more?

I still think a lot of men judge women for casual sex and look down on them which doesn't help. I have been called a 'slut' before by a man for casual, which I am not!

@DietCokeUser - that's very true. I probably need that emotional connection.... I can be quite uptight so just wondered if it was due more to my personality type etc/how common it is to feel this way.

@AtomicBlondeRose - true, we don't have to act exactly the same as men. But I guess I've wondered why is it that I have felt disappointed in myself and regretful, over a natural thing, when men sure as hell don't!

@LadyJ2023 - sorry I'm not sure what you mean? What do you mean 'wouldn't catch me having casual sex meaningless' - I only did casual a few times, a very very long time ago ( like ten years ago)....but that's how it made me feel, and I'm wanting to date again but most only seem to want casual, so obv been thinking of previous bad experiences!

@TomatoSandwiches - yea! I am glad I'm not the only one, I feel cold and dry afterward, but I guess I was wondering about the psychology of 'why' I feel like that, I thought it was more to do with my anxious type personality

Possible. We all make questionable decisions when drunk.

Or, as a pp said, your feelings reflect internalised misogyny, and you’ve absorbed the message that sex is something women allow men to do to them in exchange for things, hence if they haven’t offered anything like dinner, or commitment or ‘romance’, you're ‘worthless’.

Or it’s just a personal preference, like not liking lemon-flavoured things. In which case, honour your preference!

But another thing to consider is social conditioning. It may be that you feel you shouldn't be doing it because of the expectations traditionally placed on women to be pure etc

More likely the social conditioning to be up for it at the drop of a hat.

l hated casual sex. Felt shit after it. But women are expected to like it. Mainly because it’s what men want.

Exactly.

Next minute women are being told to shout their abortion because their bodies etc.

Women we don't need to do this.

Equality does not mean we have to do what men do .... it means we should be able to if we choose to .... in work, life opportunities, education, pay, sex.
You do not enjoy casual sex .. so choose not to do it.

I'd never had casual sex, and it's because men act like they've "won" something over you when you get with them, and it always made me feel like crap so I never took it further.

I'd love love love to have had casual sex tho, because I love sex. But I don't feel like I could, because how men and society act about it would make me feel so shameful afterwards.

I don't think the problem is me - I was more promiscuous in my youth (kissing etc) and was shamed for it, so I stopped and just had relationships where I could have sex without shame. I think society/the patriarchy is probs to blame for how you feel about casual sex

For me, it's less about it being casual than about the man usually not being quite for me.

I fancy quite a few people- but as a whole package, their intellect, humour, do we "get" each other, is there a chemistry click, do they seem to share (at least some of) my values and lifestyle.

It's quite rare to find these people and they are usually relationship material. If I had sex with a man like that in a casual way I'd feel pleased and happy the next morning as I'd feel I had done something fun with someone I could respect and value. Whether it went somewhere or not!

The problem is that most people you'd have a ONS are statistically less likely to fall into the subset of men you'd actually like to spend time with.

So in my case I feel let down by the disappointment that they aren't that nice, and icky that I've sort of "given the time of day" to someone I don't after all like that much.

How old are you OP? I have heard some women say casual sex is more fun after menopause - almost like your body knows there's no "risk" attached and it's freeing

Because its been a very short time in the scheme of things that casual sex has been semi acceptable for women, things might have changed on the surface but not really. Also most sex for women is shit specially casual if you find someone good at it that have inevitability had many many partners, its all very depressing and seedy.