Casual sex - why does it make me feel shit?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Just some Sunday evening musings as I am not out and working tomo!

I very much consider myself open minded and I believe strongly in human and women's rights....I don't at all think women in general have casual sex is a bad thing/they should be looked upon any differently a man having casual sex?

So why does it make ME feel awful? I've been out of the dating game a long time/haven't had sex due to health issues, but the few times I have had casual, it has made me feel terrible! Used and gross, when I know I shouldn't feel like that as it is not 'wrong' or 'dirty' or whatever!

Just wondering if anyone else feels like this about casual? And trying to figure out why it is I feel like that?

Am I too uptight?

Why does something normal make me feel so horrible?

Interested to hear perspectives!

I don't even like shaking hands with people never mind casual sex. Isn't feminism about having choices and freedom to exercise choice.

I don't even like shaking hands with people never mind casual sex.

😂😂😂😂😂👍🏼

I wholeheartedly support a woman's right to sleep with whomever whenever however providing its between fully consenting adults. However one night stands just aren't my thing, I know I prefer sex in a relationship with someone I trust and care about. That's just my personal preference and maybe its a preference for you too? I know if I tried to I'd probably feel a bit meh about it after although alcohol would also fuel it for me to get to that point with someone I don't know and then for me there's a consent issue.

I don't think all guys just want casual sex but I'd say you need to be upfront and direct about what you want and then see what reaction you get. My dh was the one to be clear about his intentions behind OLD and that he wasn't dating anyone else etc and that was really refreshing for me because those aren't conversations people tend to have as quickly as they should now especially because with OLD it's common to see a few people at once.

Just because you support a woman's right to choose what to do with her body and to enjoy sex as she sees fit doesn't mean you need to approach sex in the same way as others might. Everyone gets to choose what feels good to them.

It's not a man vs woman thing. It varies from person to person. Most men I've known prefer connection. And I've known women who have been happy with casual and don't give them a seconds thought after.

I strongly suspect that if men as a group could behave themselves so women weren't routinely scared of being alone with them AND were better at getting the job done, massively more women would have casual sex.

If I'm going to risk being murdered, I want guaranteed orgasms.

Agreed! Not worth the risk for them to hump like a rabbit for 2 minutes or can't get hard etc..

I that people are not just penis’ and vaginas and that reducing others and yourself down to that, as if that body part is just there to service you or someone else is demhumanising and ultimately demeaning.

I definitely think adults have the right to choose to do or not in this area, however I think if there was more honesty involved more people would find it less of a pressure to get involved as some sort of empowerment and equality thing.

Totally get you op - I'm the same

The times I have , just because I craved something, human touch maybe - I've felt crap afterwards so I avoid now

I've also got health problems now and I'm 51 , my body is t what it was even a year ago . I'm really self conscious now .

We had a street bbq today and I was the oldest there and while I was boogying away I realised the people I was with were my kids age 😂

@WitheringTights000

I think @AngryGreasedSantaCatcus has nailed it.

The why is because it's not the sex you want or need.

I need itch's scratching. I walk away satisfied. And smiling lots if it's really good sex.

If I walked away wishing I hadn't gone there in the first place, then I wouldn't be doing it to start with.

If you're diving back in to dating, you know what you want, so stick with it. Be warned though, the dating game has changed a lot in the last 10 years. I've been back in the last 2 years and it's a very different ball game to the last time.

@OfcourseitsaNC - when you say the dating game has changed a lot in the last 10 years, in what ways?

I have been mostly out of the game apart from I have very very briefly dipped my toe into OLD and have been rather horrified tbh...

And Went on a date with a guy I met through a friend thinking that would be a better option, and he was a complete plonker..

I do despair lol 😂

Just because it is not wrong to have casual sex does not mean it is a healthy choice for all, or even most people.

Some people enjoy sex without an emotional connection. Somehow recently society started treating them as the default, when really they may just as likely be a subgroup.

in today’s messaging about sex with emphasis on apps and hookups, I think it is far more likely that you are agreeing to encounters you don’t really want rather than not enjoying encounters because of messaging that women shouldn’t enjoy casual sex.

we have a whole generation of teens coming into sexual awareness who think they are broken because they don’t want to jump on anyone that has a pulse. I’ve got a teenager and it is shocking the messaging they are absorbing, not matter how much we try to counter it at home.

you should feel free to trust you Instincts. Take the time to get to know someone if you want, or enjoy a brief interlude if the mood strikes, but know that neither makes you defective, flawed, or unusual.

Did you used to enjoy it but now don't? Or have you never enjoyed it / tried it until recently? If it's the latter it's most likely just not your thing, not everybody likes it and that's ok (there are even a fair few men who dislike it!) If it's the former it's most likely you're in a different place now and wanting something else, whether a full-on relationship, a whirlwind love affair or just alone time with a vibrator to scratch the itch! Or it might be your own headspace, you might feel 'too old' now for one-nighters or maybe your confidence is low or maybe you feel your friends / peers would judge you differently now than they did when you were younger, if they're all settled with husbands and children now and you're still going out boozing and bonking randoms... Only person who can figure it out is you unfortunately, probably try and lay off the alcohol and see if you feel any better - it actually might not be a casual sex regret so much as a drinking too much and making bad decisions regret. Either way a few weeks of sobriety and self-care would probably be useful.

@GarlicGrace - yes I agree I am not good with taking the initiative, but I have had casual encounters try their best to get me to have a good time, so it's not for lack of trying on their part lol ...they just get it , well, wrong...like that Labrador analogy a PP put

Can I ask who Meghan Murphy is? .

@defi -not keen on shaking hands myself haha 😂

@Ilovetea42 -I know going forward I need to be upfront and honest about what I want. But I've heard of guys being very convincing liars and pretending they want the same to sleep with a woman.

@AnyaMarx- yes, craving human touch for sure! And nothing wrong with dancing at a street party, I would be doing to same haha.

@Ponderingwindow - thank you for your post. Agreed. I think I need that emotional connection, and also, for me I think it has partly stemmed from low self esteem and hoping the guy will like me back if I sleep with him.

@ohnonowwhat - this was all a very long time ago. Like a decade ago. I go many months without drinking now and when I do, it's only a few glasses. I just wouldn't want or couldn't drink the quantities that I drank whilst at university.

But at the time I think alcohol maybe lowered my inhibitions/made me more confident or else acted as a aphrodisiac...

And also there was an element of low self esteem and hoping the person would like me back.

I've just been musing over all of this as have sort of looked at OLD and it has just depressed me...it's all about 'casual' etc...

I enjoy casual sex immensely. It's not compulsory though so maybe just don't do it 🤷‍♀️

@QueenBitch666 - yea I know it isn't compulsory. I guess I am examining my feelings of why I feel this way....

Friends of mine have had casual encounters and told me all the details and never once have I thought any less of them...so why do I about myself?

I know It's silly to feel used etc, yet those feelings are there!

So just been pondering why I feel like this

in today’s messaging about sex with emphasis on apps and hookups, I think it is far more likely that you are agreeing to encounters you don’t really want rather than not enjoying encounters because of messaging that women shouldn’t enjoy casual sex.

I think I have certainly done this.

Sometimes feels like women have been liberated from pregnancy risk but then instead moved into a space where we aren't valued and are treated as disposable bodies.

It's not silly to feel used. That's literally what is happening?

Yes some people are happy with these terms but that doesn't change that's what it is for both parties.

@Dontknownow86 - thanks for your message, yes it makes me feel used. But a pp said they don't like that word as surely I am using them also? However, I don't think the man walks away feeling like this!

@Mooshamoo put it so well. You are letting someone enter your body. So when someone has entered my body and then treated me like shit after it, it's been really upsetting for me.

I don't think they do because on some level they are aware that most of us don't actually like it - hence why so many feel the need to lie about their intentions so often - so they are in the 'power' position.

Plus it's inherently less risky for them for all sorts of reasons. 1 in 3 women used to die in childbirth before modern medicine so I also feel it's a fairly natural biological response to feel bad when the person that has potentially (as far as your body is concerned) got you pregnant has left or treated you badly.

@Dontknownow86 - yes very true, I have heard of guys lying to women and pretending they want a relationship just to shag them...and the women have said the guy was so convincing they just wouldn't have known he was lying....I think it is really scummy behaviour tbh.

And yea that all makes sense from a biological and scientific point of view! I honestly don't know what the answer is!

I’ve never had, nor desired casual sex. I’m the same as you, OP, the thought makes me feel dirty. I think for some women it’s hardwired to desire a loving relationship for biological purposes. I’ve not had sex for 5 years because I’ve not met anyone I want to have sex with! I’ve always thought I was some kind of weirdo as everyone seems to want casual flings now. Now I feel a bit more normal, so thank you 😃

Suprima's post made me laugh.
Shaking hands

I think OP isn't asking herself the right questions. You clearly aren't in the right state of mind for casual sex. It's not doing anything for you. That's fine. So delve deeper into why.

Never did much for me either. I'm not suited to it. But I knew why, because I was always craving a deeper meaningful relationship.

When I used to have casual sex, I would always insist on a nice breakfast together afterwards. Men were a bit bemused by it, but they always followed through and we talked about topics of general interest (nothing heavy or sexual) . It made me feel much better somehow. I recommend the breakfast approach to you, OP.