Casual sex - why does it make me feel shit?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Just some Sunday evening musings as I am not out and working tomo!

I very much consider myself open minded and I believe strongly in human and women's rights....I don't at all think women in general have casual sex is a bad thing/they should be looked upon any differently a man having casual sex?

So why does it make ME feel awful? I've been out of the dating game a long time/haven't had sex due to health issues, but the few times I have had casual, it has made me feel terrible! Used and gross, when I know I shouldn't feel like that as it is not 'wrong' or 'dirty' or whatever!

Just wondering if anyone else feels like this about casual? And trying to figure out why it is I feel like that?

Am I too uptight?

Why does something normal make me feel so horrible?

Interested to hear perspectives!

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow - exactly.

@jsku- really just doesn't seem to get it. Casual dating for men and women simply isn't equal, women take more of the risk.

I've never disrespected a man during or after. But men doing so is so common, they abuse their sexual power and also are dishonest about their intentions.

There are many ways in which women get exploited by men, and sexual exploitation is only one of them. Why deprive yourself of all that lovely sex in order to snag yourself a "serious" relationship, move in with someone, have kids and spend the next decade at least doing the bulk of the childcare and emotional labour?? Hell, a one night stand is considerably easier to escape from!

This is why you get so many women on the "joy of being single" threads on here saying that they keep a FWB for purposes of pleasure but would never, never consider a cohabiting relationship again!

Complete agree on the risk.

But the question should then simply be (at least when it comes to casual sex) do I want sex (and just sex) enough? If the answer is no, then obviously casual sex won't be suitable for you not matter what and that's ok.

Framing it as an exchange is always bound to end with negative (often internalised feelings) even in the context of a relationship.

Agreeing with all the mysoginistic and negative comments about women , even when framed as men think that, no not me,no siree- it might feel like it's just passing judgement on the men, but it isn't. It's passing judgement on the women too, yourself included. And that's an added reason why you feel bad about it. You're also reducing yourself to wank hole,wank sock ,just a hole etc regardless if it was true or not.

Whether a man or a woman, it's completly understandable to regret casual sex, or to not enjoy it, or feel 'used' afterwards.

If you know someone well, you're much more likely to be in tune with each other, and to want to please each other. You're less likely to be discarded afterwards. You're less likely to sleep with someone that you wouldn't touch with a bargepole if you'd known more about them. It's more likely to be enjoyable.

I know there will be exceptions, but as a rule it's just logical that this applies.

Not a moral judgement. Each to their own. But it's understandable and IME quite 'normal' to not enjoy or to regret casual sex.

@crackofdoom - I think also the issue is for me casual sex has not been enjoyable, it hasn't been lovely sex. So? It's not a case of being deprived of it.

Also, we do mainly hear about the negative Co-habitant relationships on here. There are plenty of people in good and healthy ones that last a long time!

I think being single can be lonely, not to mention financially harder, for me, it's certainly not all a 'joy'

Equality means people are not judged, restricted or discriminated against just because of their gender. It doesn't mean that now everyone needs to be the same, like the same things and feel the same way.
If you don't like causal sex just don't have it. Some men don't like it either.

witheringtights I know whereof I speak. I have form for being sucked into unsuitable relationships by my high libido, and then being trapped.

Obviously not everyone has such a disastrous relationship history as me, but we have a structural problem with relationship inequity in society as a whole. IME, for every man who just wants sex and heads for the hills, there's one who hangs around and tries to lovebomb you into moving in with them (and why wouldn't they? Men have more to gain from a cohabiting relationship than women do). And they can cause a hell of a lot more damage in the long run!

Staying single and enjoying good quality sex with like minded people can be very liberating.

I think what's really sad is men treating women like free prostitutes on OLD

That would be bleak, but I think there are things we can do to avoid/minimize the likelihood of it. Just don't let them, basically. I like to think there are usually/often some red flags so we can avoid those. They will start going on about sex etc.

I've heard there are a lot of lovebombers, though.

But also, OP, you have to choose your casual sexual partners very carefully. Not all men are cut out for it, as you have discovered.

Not that you have to have casual sex at all. But if you wanted enjoyable casual sex, a great deal of winnowing is required to find men with the right attitude.