Casual sex - why does it make me feel shit?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Just some Sunday evening musings as I am not out and working tomo!

I very much consider myself open minded and I believe strongly in human and women's rights....I don't at all think women in general have casual sex is a bad thing/they should be looked upon any differently a man having casual sex?

So why does it make ME feel awful? I've been out of the dating game a long time/haven't had sex due to health issues, but the few times I have had casual, it has made me feel terrible! Used and gross, when I know I shouldn't feel like that as it is not 'wrong' or 'dirty' or whatever!

Just wondering if anyone else feels like this about casual? And trying to figure out why it is I feel like that?

Am I too uptight?

Why does something normal make me feel so horrible?

Interested to hear perspectives!

Your language is just way too hateful, OP.

@Hairday Eh?

Women who have casual sex are not "dirty socks".

Why does something normal make me feel so horrible?

Casual sex was never necessarily normalized/encouraged until the sixties with the supposed sexual revolution which basically was just another way for women to be manipulated and exploited.

I mean, people have always had sex but society used to say it was something that was serious and shouldn't be thrown away.

@WitheringTights000

I can’t figure out if you are simply young/naive or been hurt by men in the past.

‘There are men who just want to shag women’ - so?? Why shouldn’t they just want to have sex? Why does everyone need to want to have a relationship???
Who made you believe that the world should work in that way?

I think this is the source of your problem and what seems to be a perpetual frustration with men.

You seem to believe the world is some sort of simplistic place where everybody is looking to pair up.

As to getting to know someone pretty well before sleeping with them. Well. It takes months, sometimes even years to really know someone.

It seems to be that you are trying to figure out a risk free exchange of you having sex with someone - for a full guarantee of being loved/having a relationship.
It doesn’t work like this.

@Hairday OP was quoting my post where I said being used for sex felt like being used like a dirty sock or whatever.

Exactly, we're not dirty w* socks, so men shouldn't treat us like it.

It seems to be that you are trying to figure out a risk free exchange of you having sex with someone - for a full guarantee of being loved/having a relationship. It doesn’t work like this.

@jsku In theory it does if you wait till your wedding night. At least then we're not being sucked up and spat out.

But every relationship has risks of one kind or another I guess.

@porridgeisbae -

Thank you for your kind words. I will definitely be keeping it that way.

Yes a lot of guys language on OLD is just grim.

I will be standing firm, and yes for me it has ended up being counterproductive!

@Hairday - you obviously have the ability to read, so did you not read in my first post that I have been out of the game a long time, and my casual encounters were in the past?

And as @porridgeisbae pointed out, I'm not the one who used the phrase wanksock.

You need to read the thread properly as there have been other women who have used the word 'wank'...and it certainly wasn't me!

Most women on this thread have actually agreed with me and told me that I'm normal so....

@jsku- been hurt in the past, as have many in this thread who feel exactly the same as me! Have you not noticed how many women agree with me?

Yes that's fine if some want casual, but many are dishonest about their intentions and lie to get the leg over, that's an awful thing to do in my opinion.

You can get to know someone very well before sleeping with them/be exclusive with them....I know plenty of women who have done that and it's worked out very well for them!

It's hardly unusual...

@porridgeisbae

Do you really only see sex as something you give men in exchange for some gain? (stability, relationship, marriage, etc?) And the only question is how and on what condition you exchange it?
How is it different from prostitution then?

Alternative suggestion - just have sex when YOU actually want it. Then you will not feel used, and no one will spat you out.

@jsku- but why should someone women take the risk and have sex for nothing in return?

That's the way many still think? Getting naked with someone is very intimate so I expect a bit of commitment/security on return....

So what...

@WitheringTights000

What is the issue then? If you know what you want - and you know plenty of women for who it worked - why not just go and follow that path rather than discussing not liking casual sex here?

@jsku- because I don't feel that way about others having casual sex, only myself!

And yes I know a lot of women who did that say 10 years ago and it worked out, they are now married....but the dating landscape has changed massively in 10 years, had a look on OLD and it's all about casual!

So don't know how to meet someone who doesn't want that

had a look on OLD and it's all about casual! So don't know how to meet someone who doesn't want that

I'm an optimist and think there must be some good ones out there. Most single people are on the OLD sites I think. I met a lovely guy on Catholic Match but he was a bit younger than me and would understandably want someone his own age/younger.

Just block/report the slimeballs, give them as little of your time and headspace as possible.

If you meet one, meet them in a public place of course, and keep doing that.

If they're a sleaze, it'll probably show sooner rather than later, and definitely eventually.

Some people have some luck finding a partner through Meetup groups, too.

@WitheringTights000

In order to meet someone - I think you need to stop generalising men this much.
And instead of spending time overthinking and discussing on MN - date.

Swipe and talk to people. Sign up to different platforms - and be patient.

People didn’t change in 10 years. Back then, just like now - some wanted connection and relationships; and other didn’t. Maybe at 20 you found it easier to meet men - were out more; were more confident.

I am older than you. My friends are mid 40s and divorced and dating. And there are all kinds of men out there. Many looking for connection.
So - it’s not all as dire as you want to believe.

I think most people go through phases where they try a bit of OLD, then they have a break from it, then maybe have another go at a later date.

A lot of OLD men think they can glibly impress me (or flame me) with messages that mention religion.

Makes a change from just being simlply slimed on I guess.

I actually live in a country where abortion was illegal until March 2020

OK, then perhaps you've been living and dating in a culture which has preserved values similar to those of my childhood. This would explain the duality apparent in your attitude to casual sex.

It clearly doesn't look like a comfortable choice for you, so I'm agreeing with all the PPs who've recommended being upfront with your matches. Yes, it can still go wrong but nothing in love & sex is guaranteed. At least you'll be giving the go-slow guys a fair chance.

But please don't put down women and men who are comfortable with short-term sex - which, while repeating that you don't judge, you have done.

Is it possible, @WitheringTights000 , that some of this sex you experienced while drunk, you were actually taken advantage of/raped? That will've contributed to your feelings about 'casual sex,' if part of you equates it to taken- advantage-of sex. So it's even more violating.

What is your relationship with alcohol like now, is it ok? I mean, most of us have utterly plastered sex we somewhat regret when young, but usually can avoid some of that as we get older.

@GarlicGrace - umm and where have a judged women who enjoy casual sex on this thread?

I have judged men who have disrespected and lied. Many men lie about wanting a relationship to get sex, that's scummy, many men treat women very poorly after casual sex, again it's scummy.

Nowhere have I said women having casual sex are In the wrong, I have reflected upon my feelings, about myself

@porridgeisbae - oh no no, definitely not taken advantage of or raped.

Alcohol would have always have put me more in the mood actually....I don't drink much nowadays and when I do it's a few glasses!

It's a great theory.

I know several in their 30s & 40s now who waited for first sex on their wedding night.

There's a mix of divorces, no sex marriages, abusive marriages, happy marriages and controlling marriages.

The couple who waited until their wedding day to kiss were divorced after 5 years.

You meet someone by dating. By having clear boundaries of what you're comfortable with from the off. Take longer to sleep with someone than you did previously. Establish first if you feel it's heading for a relationship. That appears to be what you want.

It doesn't matter if people agree or disagree with you in MN land that they also feel like shit after casual sex. They're not you. You do you and be happy with your choices.

I think a lot of men do use women when it comes to casual sex, especially if we are talking about 20yr olds 10 yrs ago!

My experience was youd have a great night, have some pretty shite sex and the next morning they couldn't look at you. There was often just a complete lack of respect there. Maybe that would be different now I'm older

Sex is intimate. It's completely normal to not enjoy intimate acts with strangers, especially when those strangers can't even be bothered to acknowledge you in the morning.

And just because something isn't for you doesn't mean it's wrong. It doesn't mean that there aren't certain scenarios where you might enjoy it. I can see a situation where you have dinner and fun with a man, have great sex and coffee in the morning that would be fun, but my experience was this never came about. Men often acted like you didn't want casual sex, even when you did, and they had to trick or coax you into bed with them

I do worry a little bit about the culture in young people these days as well

There's a big culture of having a FWB type thing, where you meet up for sex, and then seem to develop feelings but can admit you've developed feelings. Where you have a raft of guys ready to shag

I worry that sex swings from being something a couple do, to something that strangers do and people can't imagine wanting to shag an actual partner. I'm not sure if I'm phrasing it right but it's a bit like a generation wide madonna/whore complex

I think it's normal to develop feelings for someone you have sex with multiple times, especially if you are very young and there's a real normalisation of FWB, which if your a fully formed adult who is able to set their own boundaries great, if your a naive 16yr old not so.

That's not to say there's something wrong with casual sex, but I do think that to have casual sex safely you have to know yourself well and set firm boundaries

There are men who just want to shag women’ - so?? Why shouldn’t they just want to have sex? Why does everyone need to want to have a relationship???
Who made you believe that the world should work in that way?

Why should it work in the way you’re implying? Why should men have carte blanche to shag indiscriminately? It used to be the norm to have sex in a relationship. Now it’s a free for all.