Casual sex - why does it make me feel shit?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Just some Sunday evening musings as I am not out and working tomo!

I very much consider myself open minded and I believe strongly in human and women's rights....I don't at all think women in general have casual sex is a bad thing/they should be looked upon any differently a man having casual sex?

So why does it make ME feel awful? I've been out of the dating game a long time/haven't had sex due to health issues, but the few times I have had casual, it has made me feel terrible! Used and gross, when I know I shouldn't feel like that as it is not 'wrong' or 'dirty' or whatever!

Just wondering if anyone else feels like this about casual? And trying to figure out why it is I feel like that?

Am I too uptight?

Why does something normal make me feel so horrible?

Interested to hear perspectives!

This. Completely this.

My current FWB was initiated by me, not him. I love having sex. I don't want a relationship. It works for us both right now. It's preferable to me than ONSs, as it's safe plus we've learned each others buttons.

It's definitely not wasting my life shagging someone I don't want a future with. It's having great pleasurable fun with none of the hassles of a relationship. Been there, done that, really don't want that again for a good long while.

And totally agree the language being used on this thread..."I'm not judging but..." And in the next breath..."wank hole"

Maybe the answer to the "why?" @WitheringTights000 is because other women are very judgy about casual sex, even though they say they aren't.

It's like meeting someone to play tennis. You can think of it as them just "using" you for that match, and they don't see a future with you, and they may drop you like a hot potato to play with someone else one day. Or, you can just think that it's fun to play tennis. Almost every human interaction is like this.

@Hairday - I don't think I could compare it to playing tennis....playing tennis doesn't involve someone entering your body lol

Agree with this. I had a very successful FWB for about 10 years! He had a job involving lots of travel so was out of the country for months at a time and I was also moving around pursuing my career.

He had several qualities that I really didn’t like and meant I’d never have entertained a relationship with him (bad communicator, quite closed emotionally, could be quite judgemental to name a few) but we got on fine on a surface level and had a laugh, he was physically attractive and fucking great in bed. We’d see each other a few times a year if we were both single (we both dated other people over the time period we had our thing) and we’d have days out and generally hang out as well as having sex when we did see each other.

We could also talk openly about other people we were dating, or go for months having no contact at all. When I didn’t hear from him I didn’t even really think about him or care what he was up to. It really was a perfect FWB match in that I fancied him, enjoyed sex with him, but didn’t like him enough as a person to consider anything more and I’m sure he felt the same about me.

I had another FWB in a similar vein that worked for about a year but then I did start developing feelings so I called it off. There was no drama and we remained friends. It absolutely can work and isn’t just for men’s benefit but it has to be with the right people.

The language like “wank sock” etc from other women, I agree is as bad as the things some men say and think about women. Thinking that sex is something men “do” to women or “use” them for, and women are a passive participant rather than something mutually enjoyable is an inherently misogynist viewpoint imo. That isn’t to say there aren’t men who manipulate women into sex or pretend their intentions are something different - there absolutely are, there’s some horrendous men out there. But I don’t see how being so derogatory about women having casual sex is any better.

I have to say the language some of you use are probably why women feel even more used and ashamed when things go tits up.

I think it’ll help you if you don’t throw around labels. And realise that people of both sexes are different from you. No one is pushing you to enjoy what men enjoy.

Fully agree with both these comments. If you secretly (or overtly) think of sex as something you give to a man, or allow him to do to you, in exchange for a committed long-term relationship, you are in for a world of disappointment. This didn't even work in the days when that was the only acceptable view.

I'm also very pissed off with the current fashion for putting down the 'sexual revolution' as a kind of con trick performed by men on women, to make women think they have to agree to sex.

The 'sexual revolution' was driven by the introduction of the Pill and legal abortion. Without these, sexual activity - chosen or not - always exposed a woman to the risk of having children, whether she wanted them or not. I surely don't need to enumerate the ways in which being able to choose when, and whether, to have children has enabled vast improvements in women's lives and prospects. It made independence a real possibility.

I lived through the back half of this revolution as a teenager. There was absolutely no sense that one must have sex, only that we now enjoyed a world of possibilities that weren't available to our mothers. Confusing, to be sure, but also freeing and exciting.

with lack of self esteem I think I did it in the hope they would like me back

I think this is the only honest insight you've had so far. @WitheringTights000. Weirdly, you seem to hover around blaming men - and more sexually relaxed women, even - for the fact that your encounters to date haven't delivered on this. But why on earth would they?

You don't respect the men you had sex with. It's hardly surprising that you don't feel the encounters were worthwhile, and totally illogical that you were somehow hoping a one-night stand would lead to a mutually loving relationship.

For me the best casual sex is with someone who you build a mini relationship with for the night. - Me too, and @Namechange224422 put it better than I did 😊

Again, this doesn't suit everybody and there's no reason why it should. I hope, at least, it kills the idea that one-off sex is necessarily a detached, sordid activity. If it's feeling sordid - or you're unhappy for any reason - you can stop. If it isn't, have a nice time and have breakfast. Or just don't do them; we have a choice!

One last thing about being penetrated, take it or leave it. I thought hard about this at an early stage, after reading Intercourse. One big change I made was to stop thinking of sex as "being done to", only ever "shared". And I changed "being penetrated" to enveloping. I'm sure you can see how that works.

I want to have sex with him

I want him to want to have sex with me

See the difference? One's straightforward, one's manipulative.
Only the first takes responsibility for herself. Only the first has agency.

@TedMullins - it is good that it worked for you, i think it's great for people if it works.

But I'm guessing for you it comes down to the individual? Because when it was someone you liked you had to stop FWB? And I'm assuming that's because you didn't want someone you liked to use you/couldn't have sex with someone you liked without them also liking you back? That's my point!

I don't her post as saying that at all, @WitheringTights000. She says they're still good friends. They broke off the "with benefits" part because a close sexual relationship was developing (the thing you hope for) and she didn't have space in her life for it.

@GarlicGrace - I am very well aware of the sexual revolution and how the lack of abortion posed a huge risk for women....

The reason why I'm so well aware of this is because I actually live in a country where abortion was illegal until March 2020....completely outrageous, but that's how it has been where I live until a few years ago,

You may have lived through it as a teenager, but I lived through it into adulthood, until the age of 27.

Umm you must not have read my posts properly, I don't blame men or sexually relaxed women at all 😕

..some of the men who I have slept with have behaved badly towards me and other women I knew, I'm commenting on their lack of respect, which is never good from any sex!

Also, I clearly said some of my friends have had ONS and I have never thought any less of them, why would I ? I've always enjoyed hearing the stories and having a laugh about it!

I know casual sex isn't wrong or bad, but my post is about how it makes ME feel, and why I feel that way when I don't think less of others for doing the same....

No it wasn’t because I didn’t want them to “use” me. I told them I was having deeper feelings to see if they felt the same, thinking that if they did, we’d progress into a relationship, and if they didn’t, we’d stop sleeping together because it had gone beyond FWB for me. It turned out he didn’t feel the same and while I was obviously upset to hear that, the conversation was very civil, I accepted his feelings and we remained friends (and stopped having sex). At no point did I feel used, I was an equal and enthusiastic participant every time we’d had sex.

I’m not a fan of some of the sweeping statements about how all women must feel one way or another. It’s important not to throw the baby out with the bath water with sexual liberation. But of course not all women want to have casual sex, and we do live in a porn-soaked society that does set an unpleasant usey script for hook up type situations.

I think this is quite a realistic portrayal of the common fantasy-reality gap:

@TedMullins - but my point is once you developed feelings and they were not reciprocated, you wanted to stop the sex? Because you felt unable to separate the 2 once feelings were involved? Thats what happens to me

I also think if you’re having sex in the hope that it’ll make someone want a relationship with you, that’ll always leave you coming away disappointed. At the time I had FWBs I didn’t want/wasn’t bothered about a relationship, or at least not one with them.

When I got to a point that I did want something serious I’d make that clear very early on, like literally on the first date (“I’m looking for something that could develop into a relationship, I’m not into casual right now, what about you” etc) and if someone replied they only wanted casual then I simply wouldn’t see them again. Or there have been people I’ve met that I’ve felt I wanted to sleep with but not date. I’m sure people have felt the same about me too, it’s not a reflection on anyone’s worth because I don’t believe my worth is measured by what men think of me (fell into that trap when I was younger, discovered feminism, realised it was bollocks).

All of that said, there is no rule saying you have to enjoy casual sex. If you don’t like it, don’t try and make yourself like it! It sounds to me like you want a relationship and are being left disappointed that your encounters don’t turn into one, but you’re not communicating with your dates that you’re actually looking for a relationship?

@TedMullins - yes I have made it clear to guys before! But then some of them will lie through their teeth in order to get a shag, I have luckily caught onto this!

But I feel like when I communicated that I wanted a relationship some guys have taken the piss and seen me as desperate which is stupid!

More that we wanted different things at that point. I would’ve been open to a relationship developing/exploring the feelings, I think he actually said he had “some” feelings but didn’t feel we were right for each other which in hindsight he was totally correct about. So it was more that it felt pointless to continue. It wasn’t so much about not separating sex and feelings, more that I could see my feelings growing whereas he couldn’t.

I went through a casual sex phase in my early 20s. I'm really not proud of that. I only did it because the guy I had been in a relationship with for 2 years, and I loved with all of my heart, dumped me. I didn't get over that breakup for about 5 years, but shortly after he left me, I was sleeping around. I actually got engaged twice during this time to blokes I had minor flings with. I was using them, didn't love them, was being a complete bitch to try and get my self esteem back.

Well then they’re nasty c*nts and you had a lucky escape! There’s absolutely nothing wrong with communicating clearly what you want, any man that belittles that and thinks wanting a relationship is desperate is an immature misogynist. Pity the poor soul who ends up with him, he isn’t good enough for anyone. Same with men who’ve lied, they’re disrespectful and indicative that he doesn’t see women as an equal person. It’s no wonder situations like that make you feel like crap because someone has behaved unpleasantly and manipulated/taken advantage of you. There are still a lot of horrid societal tropes about women’s sexuality that men and women absorb and sadly far too many men internalise them.

What you’re talking about though isn’t mutually fulfilling and enjoyable casual sex, it’s men who lied and manipulated to get what they want. I don’t think anyone would argue women should put up with that and enjoy it. The FWB situations I had were nothing like that because we communicated very openly. It’s totally different. Just don’t get caught up thinking the behaviour of those men is a reflection on you, it’s a reflection on them and their immaturity and sexism.

@MaydinEssex - totally get what you mean. For me also it has also been Very wrapped up in my self esteem (or lack of) lol

@WitheringTights000

Why are you so fixated on the idea that men use women when a man and a woman have sex?
You are only 30 - but you sound like some pearl clutching housewife from the 1950s.

More importantly - this will make it so difficult for you to actually have a relationship that lasts. All relationships start off in a sort of a casual way. You start having sex with essentially a stranger. There is no guarantee that it actually becomes a relationship that lasts.

And it’s not because most men just want to have casual or to string you along. Or use you. It’s because it takes time to get to know the other person.

The way you think of sex will only lead to you being constantly disappointed.
You’ll be one of those women coming back to MN complaining about men not wanting relationships - because they won’t commit the instance you meet or have sex.

As to why people step away if they develop feelings for their FWB - it’s not because of not wanting to be ‘feeling used’. You need to listen to multiple women telling you that sex isn’t something men do to women.
But when you have a FWB - they are that for a reason. Normally it’s because they don’t suit you as a potential partner. Or your life isn’t in a right place for a relationship. Developing feelings complicates things - and takes away from simple fun. So - you remove yourself.
Sometimes it does go the other way - and both develop feelings and situation change - and it becomes a relationship.

But I guess I've wondered why is it that I have felt disappointed in myself and regretful, over a natural thing, when men sure as hell don't!

Women hate it when people generalise, and so do men - so it’s best not to do it.
I’m a man and can 100% say what you’re saying in that post doesn’t apply to me - I can’t do one nighters as I feel the same way.

@jsku- sorry but I'm hardly a pearl clutcher from the 1950's , I certainly don't dress like one!

There are men who just want to shag women, but don't communicate that, so yea, that is using someone. It's not that different from having a 'friend' who maybe only wants to hang out when their other friends are all busy.

And obviously all relationships start off with getting to know someone, but you can make the decision to get to know someone very well before you sleep with them, agree to be exclusive etc!

Going by this thread, there are a lot of women who end up feeling used, seems pretty common tbh

Because you're being used like a dirty sock?

Sorry for the comment, that's just how I feel about men doing this now.

@WitheringTights000 It doesn't really matter why it makes you feel bad OP, if it makes you feel bad stop doing it, you're just hurting yourself.

A more pertinent question might be why are you having casual sex if you don't find it makes you feel happy afterwards (at least not for long.)

If you carry on doing something that hurts you, that's kind of a form of self harm.

You don't have to enjoy it.
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I was used a lot- I would offer myself on a plate so of course most men would take it. But each time I would feel resentment as it wasn't what I really wanted- I wanted someone to love and respect me.

@porridgeisbae - thank you for your post!!

Exactly! It's like being used like a dirty sock ....so sorry for not wanting that....im being called a 1950's housewife for not wanting that ....if only they could see some of my Saturday evening attire 😅😅

No, I don't do casual sex anymore! Haven't in almost 10 years. Was just reflecting on past experiences as dipped by toe into OLD, and it's all about casual, casual, casual...and I'm thinking, I can't do that again!

A lot of Men seem to love nothing more than using your body and then moving onto the next one, I'm not bloody doing it again!

Sorry but it is using someone, there isn't a nicer way to put it

This thread is misleading. You should have said

casual sex - why did it make me feel shit 10 years ago

@WitheringTights000 I'm glad you don't do it now- perhaps try and keep it that way. I think it would be easy to end up doing the same thing with OLD.

Blokes on OLD can be pretty disgusting for sure.

I converted to Catholicism recently and am in my mid 40s now so (God willing) they won't get what they want from me now and I'm probably perma-single unless I somehow meet a miraculous guy.

My advice would be to please stand firm, don't let them do it.

We all know what a lot of these guys are after. It's easy to give that to a man if you like him, but often it's counterproductive (at least early on.)

And no I wasn't a prude either, I've probably had a more outlandish sex life than most on the thread. But I hope not to again until my mythical wedding day.