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Original poster

Casual sex - why does it make me feel shit?

209 replies

WitheringTights000 · 07/05/2023 22:48

Hi all,

Just some Sunday evening musings as I am not out and working tomo!

I very much consider myself open minded and I believe strongly in human and women's rights....I don't at all think women in general have casual sex is a bad thing/they should be looked upon any differently a man having casual sex?

So why does it make ME feel awful? I've been out of the dating game a long time/haven't had sex due to health issues, but the few times I have had casual, it has made me feel terrible! Used and gross, when I know I shouldn't feel like that as it is not 'wrong' or 'dirty' or whatever!

Just wondering if anyone else feels like this about casual? And trying to figure out why it is I feel like that?

Am I too uptight?

Why does something normal make me feel so horrible?

Interested to hear perspectives!

OP posts:
PhoenixArisen · 07/05/2023 23:20

Everyone's different, but biologically and emotionally, women are not equal to men. Women are more vulnerable and seeing as sex could leave us pregnant, it doesn't make sense (biologically) to have casual sex and not have a connection to a partner to rely on. The impact of that is felt emotionally.
Physically, we can use protection and mentally, we know that we don't need to rely on a partner. There's just something innate within us that can make us react differently.

WhatWeDoInTheShadow · 07/05/2023 23:20

I agree that it can go both ways @ArseInTheCoOpWindow. There is pressure to be up for it all the time as well

BethDuttonsTwin · 07/05/2023 23:21

I have always felt shit after casual sex. Like you I couldn’t understand why given that in recent decades there has always been such strenuous societal attempts to get women to enjoy Having Sex Like Men 🙄, telling them they should be loving it and calling them “Bunny Boilers” if they got sad about it not progressing to something. I always fell really hard for the man involved, which should have been expected given that the only men I wanted sex with were the men I was already hugely attracted to and wanted a relationship with. I’m now celibate and have been for ten years as I can’t cope with the expectations and inevitable sadness and feelings of rejection.

I would suggest that the majority of women feel this way actually and it should be perfectly ok to say so and consider it normal. I certainly tell my teenage dd that it’s ok to not want casual sex and to not feel pressured into it.

Allmyghosts · 07/05/2023 23:23

Oh also porn has seemingly rendered a lot of men unable to come or sustain an election. It almost seems like a conspiracy...

Suprima · 07/05/2023 23:26

Tell me about your last casual sex scenario

Did you go on a date, have great wine, have good conversation with lots of crackling, fizzing sexual tension and then off to bed for a great romp, fully warmed up and ready to go? Did you come lots? (also….was he super hot? If you are a woman wanting a fling, you can really have your pick)

Or did you taxi over to an average man’s house like a Chinese takeaway, for him to finger you awkwardly and bound above you like a golden retriever chasing after a ball?

The first scenario can work if you are in the headspace for something casual and it’s genuinely a good time.

However men perform the latter and then have us questioning if we are bad feminists for not enjoying being their free prostitutes. Fucking lol.

Allmyghosts · 07/05/2023 23:26

I mean why is porn free? Usually if companies can maximise profit they will, but porn hub etc al are free, Netflix isn't free, and most of the big porn sites being owned by the same company, seems totally non sketchy Hmm

MidnightMeltdown · 07/05/2023 23:28

You're not alone. The vast majority of women don't enjoy casual sex

www.newstatesman.com/politics/2021/07/regret-distress-low-self-esteem-why-today-s-hook-culture-terrible-deal

Of course there are some who do, but popular culture (shows like sex and the city etc) has fooled us into believing that this is the norm, when it really isn't.

Luredbyapomegranate · 07/05/2023 23:28

There’s nothing wrong with it (there have been periods of my life when I was very happy with it), but some people don’t like it.

The question isn’t why does it make you feel shit, but why in on earth do you do it is you don’t like it?

OfcourseitsaNC · 07/05/2023 23:33

For contrast, casual sex works for me with the right guy.

Last ONS at Christmas was amazing. Like properly amazing. He was on a plane the next morning, I was going back home, so we knew nothing could happen. We had a great chat over breakfast then went our separate ways.

He definitely scratched an itch.

I have had ONS where I regret it the next morning, but that's more to do with crap sex than feeling shit because it was a one nighter.

Putting this here OP, as I want you to know some of us do enjoy casual sex. We really do.

You really don't. And that's ok. You have to be comfortable with you and your choices. You choose no casual sex. You know why you don't like it. So don't do it. Once you've made that decision, you'll probably find it easier to say no when you're drunk.

TheAntiGardener · 07/05/2023 23:34

I wouldn’t waste any headspace thinking about whether your reaction is unfeminist. How you feel is how you feel - it’s not feminist or otherwise.

What is unfeminist is attaching moral value to women’s sexuality and sexual behaviour where we don’t judge men.

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 07/05/2023 23:37

This is all food for thought.

In terms of alcohol....yes that's had something to do with it and I feel like when I've been drunk I've been in the mood then I've sobered up and been like 'wtf why did I do that!' And it wasn't necessarily to do with the guy, more with the fact that I didn't feel I would of acted like that and had sex had I been sober.

@Suprima - omg your post made me LOL....unfortunately my experiences have been the second experience 😅😅 and yea men seem to want to treat us like free prostitutes ,

I am going to listen to Louise Perry, I have heard some criticise her but she does make good points from what I have quickly scanned so far from this links!

@Luredbyapomegranate - no, I don't do it anymore. I haven't in like 10 years. But looking to date again and it would transpire that it's all about 'casual fun' and I'm thinking, well it certainly wasn't fun for me and I don't want to do it again!

@YukoandHiro - I am 30, turning 31 soon, reflecting on my experiences in late teens and early 20's

@Allmyghosts - yes it's the depressing, seedy feeling that I can't shake and which I hate.

@AllOrNothingSituation - I sympathise. I have been celibate a long time, it's lonely, but I don't want to be someone's FWB. It makes me feel used and even more sad lol

OP posts:
Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 07/05/2023 23:45

@OfcourseitsaNC - thanks for your post!

Sounds like you enjoyed 😉 ....yea I know how it makes me feel....but I guess I'm trying to figure out 'WHY' I feel like that..

I've had so called female friends judge me for casual sex....I would never judge them if they did it or any woman, so I'm wondering why I've been so hard on myself for it !

OP posts:
Allmyghosts · 07/05/2023 23:46

Op I am with you, I also went through the casual sex phase, but in the end not for me. Then again I am 100% disillusioned, in my experience blokes will say all sorts of things, you think they are on the same wavelength as you but in reality they really are not. They literally will pretend to have an outlook, I remember seeing one of those quadrant daft political quizzes that my ex did, he was literally more authoritarian than Hitler Shock

Original poster
WitheringTights000 · 07/05/2023 23:48

@Allmyghosts - glad it's not just me! Have you found any guy who doesn't want just casual sex? I'm struggling.

Your ex sounds lovely.....not 😮

OP posts:
AngryGreasedSantaCatcus · 07/05/2023 23:51

Because it's not what you want/need. Which is perfectly fine .

Casual sex isn't for everyone(for various reasons) and you don't have to engage in it just to "stick it to the man" or get your feminist card or women's liberation stamp.

Put yourself first .

If it was anything else would you keep doing it if it was making you feel like that?

I say this as someone who had loads of casual sex and Enjoyed at least 90% of it.

Allmyghosts · 07/05/2023 23:52

I have found men who pretend they want to be exclusive, whilst shagging around (despite in one case limp dick Hmm, disappoint many at a time).

I have given up, no interest, but I'm older than you and fine with this. I wish you all the luck Smile

Mooshamoo · 07/05/2023 23:52

I don't feel good after casual sex either.

I've had it.

If you think about it, you are letting someone enter your body. You are being very vulnersblr

I have now realised that I want to be very choosy about who enters my body.

I want the person who enters me to care about me. So someone that cares about me.

I won't do casual sex ever again. It's not for me personally.

It might be good for some women and that's fine . It's not for me. We are all different

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 07/05/2023 23:57

I think casual sex is enjoyable when it's a 100% what you need, you use need to scratch an itch and when it's over happily want them to fuck off.

I think if you're at a stage when you're actually really wanting a proper relatonship (not necessary with the casual sex guy), then it's kinda shit because it's not just sex you really want, it's the emotional closeness etc. It reminds you of everything else you are missing.

Deathmetal · 08/05/2023 00:00

Everyone’s different though. I don’t care about anyone having casual sex, but it doesn’t appeal to me. I think i would attach feelings to it whereas others are able to separate feelings.

Stripeybluetop · 08/05/2023 00:04

It makes sense to me. Women are now vulnerable than men when they have sex- they might get pregnant and they might be physically overpowered. So your body is responding to you having played fast and loose with your safety. It's a vulnerability hangover of sorts

MrsTerryPratchett · 08/05/2023 00:08

You could do worse than channel Cher from Clueless. When asked about being a virgin she said, You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.

You are allowed to be picky.

IME there is an orgasm gap. And it's worse with casual sex because the men aren't focused on making sure they get a second date.

You don't have to ACT like a man to be a feminist. You have to have the same CHOICES as a man to have equality. Including the choice to not have casual sex if you've worked out it doesn't work for you.

jsku · 08/05/2023 00:12

@WitheringTights000

I think when you are asking - why did I not enjoy those random drunk one time sexual experiences - the answer is quite clear.
It is very rare in this sort of situation to actually have good sex. For either of the people most of the time - in that scenario.

However - I don’t think this is the only version of casual sex that exists.

For me - casual sex means having sex with someone I am not in a serious relationship. It doesn’t mean it being a one off.
There were plenty of times in my life when I couldn’t or didn’t want a proper relationship with future, etc. But I wanted to have sex - so having a friendly person who was fun to have sex with - was perfect.

Casual sex works for people when they aren’t looking for a proper relationship. And when you are fairly confident in your sexuality and do it for yourself.

GarlicGrace · 08/05/2023 00:16

I really don't like "women are this, men are that" type statements. Hence why I don't like Louise Perry and I had some big arguments with Meghan Murphy about this very thing.

I had a lot of casual sex, or social sex, when opportunities and my capacity were better. I encouraged it when I wanted to, walked away when I didn't. I have called time mid-shag - rarely, but always when the bloke was acting like a dickhead. I can tell a heavy porn user within a few minutes and, if he won't refocus on me and what we're doing, there will be no action.

Yeah, I need some connection, but I'm talking about an hour or two of interaction, sometimes more, where there's mutual interest & engagement. I have to like the bloke at that moment - if it looks as though we might have lots more to share in the future, maybe it'll go further. Maybe not.

My feelings changed around my forties. So I stopped being intimately sociable for a while. I wasn't going to force myself to do stuff I wasn't comfortable with!

Sex is all about emotion for some women, so social sex isn't for them. The same for some men. Nothing wrong with them, male or female. I saw myself reflected in a phrase from something I read: "She brings her all to the bedroom. When she leaves, she takes it all with her." Not everyone can do that; neither way is bad or faulty.

Feeling used is an odd expression in this context: surely you're using each other? That's part of the deal with sex! If it's happening like the second scenario in @Suprima's brilliant post, the mutuality isn't there and it was the wrong shag. No big deal, just a disappointment.

I strongly suspect women still aren't very good at taking the initiative. I recommend it.