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Original poster

Casual sex - why does it make me feel shit?

209 replies

WitheringTights000 · 07/05/2023 22:48

Hi all,

Just some Sunday evening musings as I am not out and working tomo!

I very much consider myself open minded and I believe strongly in human and women's rights....I don't at all think women in general have casual sex is a bad thing/they should be looked upon any differently a man having casual sex?

So why does it make ME feel awful? I've been out of the dating game a long time/haven't had sex due to health issues, but the few times I have had casual, it has made me feel terrible! Used and gross, when I know I shouldn't feel like that as it is not 'wrong' or 'dirty' or whatever!

Just wondering if anyone else feels like this about casual? And trying to figure out why it is I feel like that?

Am I too uptight?

Why does something normal make me feel so horrible?

Interested to hear perspectives!

OP posts:
Hairday · 08/05/2023 06:06

If you wanted it to finish before the morning, I suppose it could be a late supper. It's just the gathering of clothes and sneaking out, whether it be you or him, that's depressing.

Redebs · 08/05/2023 06:15

I don't think casual sex is good for men or women.
There's nothing inherently emancipating about it. Ditto getting drunk, spitting in the street or doing loud belches.

YouJustDoYou · 08/05/2023 06:19

But if that's the way you feel then that's perfectly valid too. We don't all HAVE to enjoy casual sex.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 08/05/2023 06:31

It may be the alcohol which makes you feel particularly bad, it is a depressant after all.

Try flirting and being receptive to encounters whilst sober, it can be incredibly fun.

7Worfs · 08/05/2023 08:48

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 07/05/2023 23:16

But another thing to consider is social conditioning. It may be that you feel you shouldn't be doing it because of the expectations traditionally placed on women to be pure etc

More likely the social conditioning to be up for it at the drop of a hat.

l hated casual sex. Felt shit after it. But women are expected to like it. Mainly because it’s what men want.

This.
It honestly feels like yet another thing that serves men - convincing women that sleeping around is so progressive and desirable.

Evolutionary speaking, women have been, and have to be, a lot more discerning about sexual partners than men.
We decide who gets to pass their genes on, and gatekeep procreation. It’s a very powerful position to be in, yet it’s given up too easily.

I know this is about casual encounters, but sex cannot be surgically separated from all the rest of it.

Catastrophejane · 08/05/2023 08:52

MsCactus · 07/05/2023 23:19

I'd never had casual sex, and it's because men act like they've "won" something over you when you get with them, and it always made me feel like crap so I never took it further.

I'd love love love to have had casual sex tho, because I love sex. But I don't feel like I could, because how men and society act about it would make me feel so shameful afterwards.

I don't think the problem is me - I was more promiscuous in my youth (kissing etc) and was shamed for it, so I stopped and just had relationships where I could have sex without shame. I think society/the patriarchy is probs to blame for how you feel about casual sex

This is exactly how I feel! If men were more relaxed about it, it would be more fun for all of us.

SequinDiscoBiscuits · 08/05/2023 08:57

Because our brains never got the "feminism" memo. We're wired to need an element of emotional connection to a sexual partner- societal norms may have changed, but our evolution hasn't progress at the same rate.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/05/2023 09:01

Catastrophejane · 08/05/2023 08:52

This is exactly how I feel! If men were more relaxed about it, it would be more fun for all of us.

Show quote history

I just do not think like that at all. I don’t judge any women for having casual sex. Each to their own, and l don’t think society cares anymore.

What l do judge is horrible men who use the current situation where anything goes to abuse and treat women badly. That’s the patriarchy bit.

ohfook · 08/05/2023 09:02

I'm the same. The last one nighter I had was 16 years ago. I spend the whole next day feeling so depressed that I realised it's just not for me.

That's no judgment on people who it does work for. Women aren't a monolith - we're all incredibly different with different wants and needs and that is absolutely fine!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/05/2023 09:03

defi · 08/05/2023 00:17

I don't even like shaking hands with people never mind casual sex. Isn't feminism about having choices and freedom to exercise choice.

Yep!💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

If l think about it, the thought of exchanging fluids with a stranger really gives me the ick and makes me heave🤢

ohfook · 08/05/2023 09:03

Ps I should add in as feminist as they come. I don't think feminism is about just doing everything that the men are doing and expecting it to work for us too.

Teapottie · 08/05/2023 09:05

I think there are many reasons personally. For some women it's just not enjoyable no matter the circumstances or reasons for wanting casual sex in the first place (and the opposite too- for some they do enjoy it whatever). I genuinely enjoyed casual (but safe) sex when I was at university, in no small part as I genuinely didn't want to be tied down, I had no desire for a relationship and so I wasn't left thinking wonder if this will go anywhere or anything like that. Happily married now but if I was single I'd hate casual sex now.

Teapottie · 08/05/2023 09:06

To add as well, I think the reason makes a difference. If you just want pleasure then it's probably going to be more enjoyable experience then if you're seeking sex to try and deal with something else and give you a temp high or if you crave a connection.

Seriouslynotseriously · 08/05/2023 09:08

I think what your post shows is the harm caused by the sex-positivist / pro porn culture. That it makes women there is something wrong with them if they dislike shit sex with random strangers.

Its perfectly normal, for men as well as women, to want human connection and closeness through having sex with someone they genuinely like and are committed to.

I once overheard a very good looking, fit young man telling his mates that he was going to stop having casual sex as he just didn’t really enjoy it.

You are normal.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/05/2023 09:10

Think the simple reason if if we like them we will want to hang out with them again
and if they don’t - we feel sad and maybe rejected

and if we don’t like them , we feel a bit icky and used afterwards as if something was off (like one guy who lay there smoking telling me conspiracy theories )

no easy answers here !

Thisisworsethananticpated · 08/05/2023 09:11

Seriouslynotseriously

I agree , men want that intimacy and connection too - both my previous FWB did
as well as a fuck ton of sex 😂

just were both messed up in different ways

Citygal3 · 08/05/2023 09:12

I had a lot of casual sex when I was in my twenties but part of me always hoped that perhaps one of these encounters may lead to more as all I really wanted was a relationship. All they did in reality was leave me feeling hurt and sad as very few ever led to even more contact. The sex was rarely good either.

Beamur · 08/05/2023 09:15

I think this is not an uncommon experience.
There's nothing inherently wrong with casual sex, but equally you shouldn't feel any obligation whatsoever to do it.
Having tried it myself in my younger years I know it's not for me either.

Namechange224422 · 08/05/2023 09:17

For me the best casual sex is with someone who you build a mini relationship with for the night. Dinner, drinks, flirting, going home together, them focusing on your pleasure, staying the night, sex in the morning, go home happy. I love casual sex like that - for me it feels happy and life affirming. Like all the best bits of a relationship frozen in time without arguing about who does the bins.

But unfortunately lots of men think that the best casual sex is a text, an awkward chat and 3 minutes of pounding before rolling off and going to sleep. But shit for everyone concerned!

The trick in my opinion is to be 100 percent up for number one and steer away from number two!

Thatsamoray · 08/05/2023 09:23

I had a great deal of casual sex -maybe 100 partners- and didn’t feel used or gross at all, ever.

I felt a connection at the time and had no expectations. I think that many women feel that way because they hope their casual partner will turn into a relationship, and I am very picky as to who I would embark into a relationship with.

I had long term relationships with two of the men I had casual sex with and married one, my current husband of 12 years.

The others I guess were nice men but not bf or husband material for me.

Baneofmyexistence · 08/05/2023 09:24

I think for me feminism is about the freedom of choice. So you want to have casual sex, brilliant, your choice. If you don’t want to, also brilliant, your choice. I absolutely agree with a PP who said men don’t always see it as mutually enjoyable and in my experience casual sex is mostly about the men enjoying themselves and making little effort to sexually please the woman and that lack of effort makes me feel shit. So with the right man who makes the effort and respects you I’m sure it’s lots of fun.

changednametorespond · 08/05/2023 09:43

Some people want the connection that you don't get with casual sex others just have sex. Everybody is different. Perhaps don't try to feel what others feel and do you. In other words if you need connection then find someone to connect with before sex, maybe a long term FWB rather than random casual sex?

Personally going from one to another casually doesn't appeal to me at all. Others do that, fine, that's for them.

changednametorespond · 08/05/2023 09:45

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/05/2023 09:03

Yep!💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

If l think about it, the thought of exchanging fluids with a stranger really gives me the ick and makes me heave🤢

Show quote history

This. Yes, I wouldn't want to touch random strangers let along have sex with them - puke inducing. Choices. Other people make different choices and that's for them.

WhatWeDoInTheShadow · 08/05/2023 09:45

Some people want the connection that you don't get with casual sex others just have sex. Everybody is different.

I'm not sure anyone would bother if there was no connection at all. I think some people build those sorts of connections quicker maybe or trust people more easily. Not sure. Otherwise, would people not just use a vibrator or something?

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 08/05/2023 09:51

WhatWeDoInTheShadow · 08/05/2023 09:45

Some people want the connection that you don't get with casual sex others just have sex. Everybody is different.

I'm not sure anyone would bother if there was no connection at all. I think some people build those sorts of connections quicker maybe or trust people more easily. Not sure. Otherwise, would people not just use a vibrator or something?

I’m not sure all men need a connection or a vibrator. They just need a hole in a body to wank into.

l think that’s how a lot see it. And l agree with Louise Perry. This is why the sexual Revolution had failed women.