Casual sex - why does it make me feel shit?

[WitheringTights000]

Hi all,

Just some Sunday evening musings as I am not out and working tomo!

I very much consider myself open minded and I believe strongly in human and women's rights....I don't at all think women in general have casual sex is a bad thing/they should be looked upon any differently a man having casual sex?

So why does it make ME feel awful? I've been out of the dating game a long time/haven't had sex due to health issues, but the few times I have had casual, it has made me feel terrible! Used and gross, when I know I shouldn't feel like that as it is not 'wrong' or 'dirty' or whatever!

Just wondering if anyone else feels like this about casual? And trying to figure out why it is I feel like that?

Am I too uptight?

Why does something normal make me feel so horrible?

Interested to hear perspectives!

Totally agree- we are not all the same, some women need a connection to enjoy sex and that's totally fine
I feel our society has normalised having sex in a very transactional way and of course this is fine but not for everyone - don't feel bad if you need to establish some kind if connection before

I used to have a regular fuck buddy but it got to the point I would go home after and if he didn't text I would feel like shit, used and I wasn't even getting anything out of it.

People are different. A vibrator might reach the goal (and it doesn't always or for everyone) but it's not the same experience. Especially on a sensory level , smells,sounds, taste ,touch, sight . A vibrator would never be quite good enough for me.

I also didn't always need a connection, just attraction , a need and not wanting any complications. I'm horny, he's hot and willing, done.

Women are not all the same sexually, physiologically, mentally or emotionally. Generalisations don't do anyone any good.

Connection / attraction - are they not sort of the same thing though? You wouldn't shag anyone you weren't attracted to obviously, but I think the difference is that not everyone is attracted to people they don't know

It's made me feel better reading all of the replies.

I think for me, alcohol definitely used to make me feel 'more in the mood' lol, when I was a student/going out a lot!

Has anyone else found this? I'm not sure if it's lowering of inhibitions or if it is an actual aphrodisiac....

But then when sober I've cringed and thought ' oh god I couldn't do that sober!'

Also, with lack of self esteem I think I did it in the hope they would like me back....

I do definitely feel like I want that connection with someone so for me a vibrator would not suffice.

I also don't want an FWB as wouldn't want them sleeping with anyone else.

I'm glad to know I'm not the only one who feels like this.

No, it really isn't unfeminist of you. But it would be feminist imo, to allow yourself to consider whether men and women want different things, and whether the pushing of laddette behaviour onto women is actually any sort of liberation or is it a way to get women to co-operate with what men want, which is often a no-ties fuck.

IME, women often (not always, and no judgement either way) prefer an emotional connection and seek that in casual sex. Casual sex could and should supply that through affectionate, respectful and mutually satisfying sex with good manners afterwards and next morning. But if a man is just scratching an itch using your body as the vehicle, it's going to feel rubbish.

Maybe developing a genuine FWB relationship might work, with a man you like and fancy but never in a million years want to have a proper relationship with.

Or maybe allow yourself to explore how you really feel and if it is love you want, don't feel unliberated for holding out for that first. It's empowering to know what you want and accept nothing less

You mentioned the need of them liking you back several times. I think that's massively part of the issues you had. You needed/wanted more than you normally get from a ONS, especially an alcohol fuelled one. They liked you enough to have sex with you, but that wasn't enough for you. That's ok.It happened to me too (which is why I said only 90% of the casual sex I had was good ) and probably to plenty of other women .

It only works when you exchange sex for sex. That's not going to work for everyone .

And yes, there definitely was a certain point when I was drinking when it didn't take much to feel aroused and up for it. Sometimes it coincided with a guy making a move. Things happened.

@RoseRobot - I do think there is pushing on women to enjoy what men enjoy, and yea when I think about it, that only benefits the man in general.

I don't think I want FWB, I want more of a committed relationship, but it would appear that is hard to find.

@AngryGreasedSantaCatcus - yes exactly. I have wanted/needed them to like me back and that hasn't worked out. Any guy, bar one I have done casual with has been a serial shagger. The one ONS who wasn't a serial shagger, got really clingy with me afterwards and seemed to actually like me more after we had sex.... but I didn't like him and regretted it etc ...

And I think it's certain types of alcohol that have made me more 'in the mood' ....other types just make me sleepy 🥱

My experiences were crap sex , drunk , regret, being used.
I don't think there's anything wrong with it , but not for me now.

What is this ’connection’ everyone keeps saying?

What is it? How do you get it? How do you know you have it? Why do people want it?

@SinglePonders - like an emotional connection....emotional closeness, rather than just 'wham, bam, thank you mam!'

What is emotional connection?
As in you like them as a person/personality wise?

@SinglePonders - I like and care for them and they like and care for me?

I don't think it's hard to understand? Like knowing the person likes and cares for you as in has feelings for you rather than just seeing you as a hole 🤷

@WitheringTights000

I think it’ll help you if you don’t throw around labels. And realise that people of both sexes are different from you.

No one is pushing you to enjoy what men enjoy. You don’t need to have ONS.
In your mind - you exchange sex for expectation of a relationship. But this is your choice - your head. This is where feelings used comes from - when that expectation doesn’t materialise.

People you call ‘serial staggers’ - don’t deserve to be judged as you seem to. It’s their life and they don’t need to live it the way you want them too.
And - you even judge the guy who wanted more of a connection - you call him clingy. Also unfair. He wanted what you say YOU want - and yet he also gets judged.

I think you need a little bit of self reflection - both on what you want and on your self-esteem Vs your perception of sex in your life.

But generally - it is possible to have relationships in this day and age that are not a casual arrangements. People your age and older - meet and build relationships.
Not everybody is just casual.

@AllOrNothingSituation - exactly

But that’s normal. Sex isn’t simply a physical activity for many, many people. It is emotional, some would say spiritual.

Oxytocin is released during sex and is meant to bond you to the person for some time. It’s an evolutionary thing so that the couple stay together for a time to raise offspring. Sure, it can wear off over time, but the oxytocin bond sees the woman through pregnancy and the first few years of the child’s life with a male present. Not to sound like the Pope, but we have decoupled sex from reproduction and family life. It’s not meant to be casual. Never was. People can do what they want. No judgement. Many men (and women) seem to be able to override the bond easily, many men (and women) don’t though. Trying to override the oxytocin bond and finding it something you struggle to do makes you entirely normal.

I apolize if I seem strange.
I don’t have any experience myself and I all around struggle with and have anxiety when it comes to people.
So, that’s why I was wondering what the connection is, never experienced it with anyone.

@jsku- the men I am referring to as 'serial shaggers' were not nice guys....boasted about their conquests and treated women like shit...so I think what I am saying is fair...

The clingy guy had previously been a complete arsehole in other ways, so again, what I am saying is fair.

@electricmoccasins - yes it must be the Oxytocin, I think I have read that women produce more of it than men?

FWB seems just another male desire that women are expected to embrace.

Why waste your life shagging someone you don’t really want a future with? Just another male way of having everything they want.

Wouldnt touch it with a barge pole. If any man suggested it, I’d run away fast. ‘Let me use you as a wank hole and for laughs but not for when you hit the bad times’

Whag a waste of emotional energy. I feel tired just thinking about it. Who can be bothered with an arsehole who cba to put the effort in. I would just find it degrading.

I totally get you as I’m not overly keen on casual sex either. Leaves me feeling a bit used

Because you still want a shag (but not a relationship or you're looking for something else) and you know him, he's convenient , you know you're compatible in bed , it's comfortable and fun, there's no drama and he'll do in the meantime?

Once again, that is not for everyone and a lot of women get hurt in these sort of arrangements if they end up wanting more or developing feelings.

However, I have to say the language some of you use are probably why women feel even more used and ashamed when things go tits up.

Hole, wank hole etc.

You're not that much better than the arsehole men.

casual sex is like marmite, works for some people but not for others and there's nothing wrong with that. Don't do anything that makes you feel shit be it casual sex or listening to Piers Morgan on the telly. You do not need to keep up with any Joneses.

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow - yea I have decided I will deffo not be touching FWB with a barge pole. It's like certain guys are happy to do that and trail you along until they meet someone else and drop you like a hot potato!

And you can't complain because you were 'never their girlfriend'

It is about being treated as a fellow human being - even if you end up on a drunken one night stand, there's no reason why it shouldn't feel warm and affectionate, and respectful of what feels good to the other person, not just using them as a way of scratching an itch. Emotional connection on a ONS would be treating the person as though they are valuable and worthy of your attention and respect and genuinely desirable not just someone you;ve pulled who you hope never to see again as soon as the sex is over.