I'm So Confused.......I so want to believe dh.

[stirlingmum]

Dh and I have had a tought time lately. Last November he admitted to having an affair with someone from work. It had been going on for more than 6 months and got very serious by the sounds of things. He spent quite a few weeks not sure who he wanted to be with, which left me in a state of limbo as I just dont want to lose him. I love him, and there are 3 dc's involved. In the last few weeks we are making good, but slow progress I feel. He promised to cut her out of his life. Hard, I know because of their strong feelings for each other and because they work for the same company (although not closely so dont have to speak all the time). He has promised that they dont talk/text anymore but I know he does a good job of deleting texts that he doesnt want me to see but I found a text on Saturday that he had sent to her on 14th saying "I miss you too, Princess" - It was obviously an answer to one that she had sent and he had deleted. I am devasted again - I so wanted to believe that he wasn't going to contact her again. He is very sorry and says that he now knows that it is really me he wants - he just misses her!! I dont know what to think anymore - This rollercoaster is killing me!

suppose at least the "missing you" text would confirm that they aren't in close contact anymore. very hurtful for you to find though.

This is a miserable situation for you and I do sympathise. But what you need to do is concentrate on yourself, and on doing things that boost your self-esteem and make you feel good. You cannot make someone stay in a relationship with you, or remain monogamous, unless that person wants to remain in a monogamous relationship with you. And it's also sad but true that if you are saying to your partner 'please love me, please choose me, please stay with me' it is a bit off-putting: if you are cheerfully getting on with life, being friendly and civil to him but not spending any time worrying about what he thinks or is going to do, then not only do you actually become more appealing to him but (and this is the important bit) by acting as though you have a worthwhile life and more important things to think about than what he is going to do with his dick, the more you do it, the more you will believe it and the better you will feel.

you poor thing!

You say you are trying to work things out, what is he doing to help you trust him again?

Would you both consider relate? DP and I went for our intro sssion last week and it was really positive and you pay on a sliding scale of what you can afford. It will be hard to build the trust back up again ( if that's what you want), and it will take a long time.

Texting each other on Valentine's Day. I am and for you! If you had found a text saying 'I miss our friednship but am making a go of things with my wife and dcs' then you wouldn't be as worried would you? He needs to get his act together and prove how much you mean to him.

great post madamez

Thank you both - I definitely was very needy at first (for which I hate myself as it just isn't me!). But I am doing more things just for me. I did lose lots of weight early on in this nightmare (just felt sick and couldn't eat) so decided to get myself ultra fit which I have and that has given me an amazing boost of confidence. I had let myself go (although that doesn't excuse dh shagging a 29yr old - I'm 43) but now men look at me again which does give me a boost. I am trying to just get on with life and hope that he joins me.

Kay - We tried Relate but their waiting list was 10 weeks and we couldn't wait. We have found a fantastic private Relationship Counsellor and it is really helping and dh is very positive about it. I suppose I am just upset that the text takes us about 10 steps back as I was trying to trust again. I am afraid that I also texted her and I didn't call her a Princess!!

if he doesnt want you, dont be a wet fish. you need to plan for your chldren and your home life. you need to start rting your financial situation and your housing situation - i am not saing you need to do anything about it but you need to be i full posession of the facts. you need to speak to CAB about things you are not certain about, you need to squirrel away some secret monies to help you when you want to leave

the worst situation you can be in is being left with 3 dc's whilst he is having a shagfest of his life with some sweated up sex bomb over the desk atwork ...ohhow exciting.... to come home to cardigan Jane and shitty nappies.

i dont kno why you are 'lettinghim chose'

is love greater than your dignity?

my dignity was certainly the thing that kicked my arse into gear a year ago - so i dont say these tings lightly.

you ow it to your children to be prepared for a financially horrible outcome and to not be ties to this man who is off having raucus exciting sex - becuase he pays he bills.

you owe it to yourself to tell him that there is no choice here.

its you and the children or its not.

its no a choidce between you and her

tel him that he would still be able to see the children - i wouldnt want my dh to stay with mefort h children.

well said madamez

Noa advice but sympathy. What an awful situation to be in.

Custardo - For the first time on Saturday our conversation did get very heated and I even hit him! I gave him a way out and asked him if he wanted a separation. He said no. I told him if he left he could always visit the dc's and it did shock him that I have thought it all through. I think it gave him a kick up the arse.
Dont worry - I was a wet fish at the beginning as it was all a total shock (I 100% trusted him and we were friends for years before marrying 14 yrs ago) but I feel so much stronger now and I know that I could cope on my own - I would just prefer it if he was there too.

perhaps you need some figures of what he wuold be expected to contribute financially.

perhaps you ned to slip in that once he is gone you wont be the virgin mary yourself.

perhaps you need a slutty top and a night out with the girls?

perhaps youneed to enjoyYOUR life and not be a 'bit' part in his.

do not be the driver of all things tht fix - finding the councellors, arranging the appointments etc.

my first demand would be " if you want this family - you leave your job within 6 mnths. or i will leave you."

Custardo, you very often crack me up. At least look into the things Custardo suggests, stirlingmum, because, if nothing else, they empower you. When you understand that you have choices and he does not hold all the cards, then you can decide what you want. It isn't all about what he wants

Custardo - You are so right and thank you so much for the advise.
He is actively looking for another job and has been to a couple of interviews already. He has even spoken to his boss and asked to be considered for other jobs as his current job hasn't helped matters. He travels around Europe Mon to Fri and we were only seeing each other at weekends but we were both tired. Hopefully something will change soon.

hi Sorry i have joined this a bit late. I am trying to get over my h's affair with a work collegue.

He is doing all the right things and i can completly understand how hurt you are about the text it is absolutely unaccecptable if he is wanting to stay with you. You need to tell him this and maybe come up with a way where he cannot delete the messages (there is a message counter on most phones and maybe you could suggest that he lets you have the phone to check) if he has nothing to hide he will not mind.

I completly understand about the job too - the ow still works for the same company as my h and although the bosses know i feel they have turned a blind eye and are not really that bohtered what goes on. I have found it very hard and now h has realised that i cannot move forward whilst she is still in our lives in anyway and so is looking for another job.

Go with your gut instinct and remember you are in control now dont let him tell you any lies again however he dresses it up.

It often takes a long time for the affair to end totally and so be cautious if you think it is still going on it is so very common in these situations i have heard it time and time again. I now feel a fool for believing my h so early on.

I still dont but now he is much better at letting me know where he is and giving me his phone as he knows this is what he NEEDS to do to keep me. He is the lucky one not me anymore.

WAP no, no sweeties yet. Probably the thieving posty ate them, but thanks for the thought

Happywoman - Thanks for your message. How long ago was your h's affair? I think it is very hard to move forward when the ow is still on the scene. I have recently read a book ("NOT Just Friends" which is just about these work affairs) which says that you cannot heal until the other person is out of the picture totally.

stirlingmum I second what HW says. I've seen it so often on here (and more recently, in my own marriage!), the H finds it so hard to give up the OW. The fantasy and excitement. They don't want to lose that. Quite often they are found out a 2nd/3rd time before finally having the guts to end it and make a decision.

Sometimes they really do have to be pushed to the edge, pretty much lose everything, before they come to their senses. The lucky ones have a wife who is prepared to forgive and move on with the relationship.

The advice you've had here is great and I'm sure you're taking it in. I do know how it feels though when ultimately, what you want, is to be with them and for them to feel that way in return about you.

But like the others have said, you can't force someone to want to be with you, and all you can do for now is protect your heart.

Actions speak louder than words. And his actions, continuing to show you no respect by texting her, and on valentines day mean that he's not quite ready to give your relationship the 110% it now requires. And it will never work if he's not putting in the same effort as you

I just spent a lovely weekend with my new boyfriend, who texted me that exact same message only this morning, I texted saying I hate being back in work, wish we were still away and I miss him when I don't see him for a day! He replied 'I miss you too princess'. So reading that about you dh made my blood boil it's not something you say to someone who you have no relationship with.

I really do wish you the best of luck. I know exactly what you're going through. Too many stories like this on here these days

Thanks Baffy - Is your xh with the ow now? I just couldn't face him being with her all the time. I believe that I would turn into the ex-wife from hell.
My other issue is that I was brought up in a very messy and broken marriage and I swore that my dc's would never have to put up with that. Ds1 is 8 and it would really upset him. I couldn't bear that.
Dont get me wrong - I am not saying that I would stay together just for the kids. I am very against that. But I know dh loves me and I still love him (I dont know how long that will last though, given his current behaviour) so whilst we still have feelings for each other I want to give this one more try. Not for the kids, for us.

Dh was with the OW until last week. We talked in January about getting back together, (me totally unaware that he was still seeing OW!), he then finished with her, and she told me everything to get her revenge on him.

I could never have accepted her in his life. It would have killed me. But I have a whole host of other issues over her (she is not a very stable person!). I'm not actually sure how I'll cope if they decide to make a real go of it. (Although H now swears it's definitely over after some evil messages she sent to me this weekend!).

To cut a long story short I'm kind of throwing myself into this relationship with this new guy. (Probably not the wisest move I know )

I too came from a broken home, where I'd have given anything for my mum and dad to get back together, and that's why I worked so hard for 12 months to save my marriage. I believed we had enough love to get through it and be happy again. Not just as parents, but as a couple too.

What I think I've had to learn the hard way, is that he was never putting in the same effort as me. I was doing all the compromising and all the trying. He was doing whatever the hell he wanted! Almost as if I should be grateful he was still in my life.

That's why I think that a relationship after an affair can only work if you both put in the same amount of effort. And it can work. You can get over it. And people say in some ways, things can be better as you don't take each other for granted anymore (even though you never forget).

That's why I think your dh needs a serious wake up call. He's so lucky that you have given him this chance, and so to take the piss and keep texting this woman, imo, is suicide. You have every right to just up and leave - well to kick him out! You gave him the chance, he didn't respect you enough to really call it a day, and thinks he can get away with lying to you again!

Trouble is, you want your marriage to work and he knows that. So perhaps now working on your own life, and making him believe you can do better and will find better if he continues to do this, is your only option. Like others say, if you start telling yourself that enough, you will start to believe it.
And it's true.
Don't be grateful to him for sticking around. He should be grateful to you for allowing him to stay!

The rollercoaster of emotions is hell isn't it

Baffy - I never understood the saying "Rollercoaster of emotions" until the last 3 months. I can feel amazingly strong and positive one day and then feel on the floor the next and not wanting to carry on. My so-called friends are avoiding me and I feel it is me against the world but I know I will come out the other end stronger whether dh is with me or not.
You mentioned taking each other for granted and we have both agreed that we were doing this. We try hard not to take each other for granted now.
We had a lovely night out last Friday. Going for a meal and a few drinks afterwards and then it is all ruined by that stupid text.

Also, in the book I have just read it states that only 10% of affairs result in a marriage to the ow. It is just not the same when the excitement and secrecy has gone!