I'm So Confused.......I so want to believe dh.

[stirlingmum]

Dh and I have had a tought time lately. Last November he admitted to having an affair with someone from work. It had been going on for more than 6 months and got very serious by the sounds of things. He spent quite a few weeks not sure who he wanted to be with, which left me in a state of limbo as I just dont want to lose him. I love him, and there are 3 dc's involved. In the last few weeks we are making good, but slow progress I feel. He promised to cut her out of his life. Hard, I know because of their strong feelings for each other and because they work for the same company (although not closely so dont have to speak all the time). He has promised that they dont talk/text anymore but I know he does a good job of deleting texts that he doesnt want me to see but I found a text on Saturday that he had sent to her on 14th saying "I miss you too, Princess" - It was obviously an answer to one that she had sent and he had deleted. I am devasted again - I so wanted to believe that he wasn't going to contact her again. He is very sorry and says that he now knows that it is really me he wants - he just misses her!! I dont know what to think anymore - This rollercoaster is killing me!

Am hoping some of you wonderful women are around this pm as I feel I have hit rock bottom again in some ways. Found a message on DH?s phone which caused a huge upset. He says now he realises he has to finish things completely ? he has told her not to contact him at al. He wants to meet with her to tell her face to face. He says he realises it?s me he wants. He says he has been acting like a teenager. I said he was very very close to losing me.

I just feel so depressed about it all. I feel as though he has made a choice he didn?t want to have to make ? he resents me in some ways for it. He is sad that he can?t see her, angry at me for looking at his phone and not trusting him (how ridiculous is that?) he says he can?t make his feelings disappear overnight. And I realise this but am just fed up of the whole thing. I don?t think I can bear being with him while he gets over this. I feel like asking him to move out and sort his head out.

We had a horrible conversation last night ? him getting angry and closing the conversation down, saying that we are just going over old ground. He has said to me that he knows he is unfair and selfish not wanting to talk ? why does he do it then? The result is we resolved nothing last night and I am dreading going home to more of the same.

Hi Iris - This is the same situation that started this thread for me - finding a message on the mobile when you though/hoped it was all over. I know it is a devastating blow
That is a month ago for me and I still feel very low and again, can't believe h would do this again.
I understand you maybe wanting him out of the house for a while. I thought about that too. But I am glad we didn't.
Your h and mine sound similar. Do not want to talk about it. Hope that if they ignore the situation it will all go away. But it wont.
I managed to talk to my h on Sat morning. I was very low at the time and couldn't see a way forward unless he opened up a bit. He said he didn't know what to say. I told him I just needed some commitment. I needed for him to tell me that he wanted us to work (he just doesn't say anything about us).
We managed to talk it through a bit. I think he thinks that he wont need to talk about it for another month or so now!

I understand your feelings when you say they resent you for making them make a decision. It is so hard to see that they have such strong feelings for this other person.
I just hope that it doesn't take too long for those feelings to go and then they will realise what pratts they have been!
Iris, I wish I could help you more. Trouble is I feel the same as you and will only be happy when ow is removed from the face of the earth!
I told h on Sat that, at the beginning, I felt in competition with her. I felt she must be better than me in some way. But now, I truly believe that I am better than her. I am a better person. That made me feel good
H agreed that I am a better person then her. He is amazed at how strong I am apparently - Funny, most of the time I dont feel very strong.

Iris, try to remember that you are a much better person than her.
Let h tell her that it is definitely all over. Maybe give him one last chance.

Tell him the slate is wiped clean one last time.

But if it happens again

Hi stirling glad things are looking a bit more positive for you.

In some ways what he has said now is what I have been wanting him to say for weeks - I'm the one, he doesn't just want to stay for the kids, he's been behaving like an idiot. He has had a period of no contact with OW and then she started it up again this week. He hasn't seen her, except briefly in a work context but he has texted her. I asked him if he would have left me if she'd left her husband, he said no, but he's also upset that she is staying with her husband! It's l;ike Alice in Wonderland logic.

I just feel so flat. I don't know how to move things forward. He has lied to me- he lied to me this weekend when I gave him every opportunity to tell the truth about the contact - then he said it's because he knew I had looked at his phone and he was angry with me. Maybe I just have to let him work through these feelings. It's gutting though. I want us to look forward, not be with someone who is suffering over a breakup ffs!

Again, sounds like my h and ow. I think contact stopped but then when she texted him on Valentines day, he obviously couldn't help texting back. And he really cant see that that has given her the green light to start up communicating again!

They really cant see that whenever they lie it sets back recovery so much. At the end of the day we really want to be able to trust and believe them. I honestly dont know how long that will take or whether we will give up trying and move on. Just last week I thought I would never trust him again, but there is a faint light now at the end of the tunnel.

My h is away in the country the ow lives this week. I find that hard and I do get stressed. I explained that he must keep in touch and speak as often as he can.

We must seem such a miserable pair to everyone at the moment. I think we are both depressed. Me for obvious reasons and him because, like your h, he is suffering over the break-up!

Iris

Its the same old script i am afraid - please dont let him go and tell her face to face. They all do that and believe me it is harder - my h said exactly the same and yes i let him and yes it was still going on.

Believe me (and h has talked about this recently too), he does not need to meet her to finish it - time will tell. if he has truely made the decision then he needs have no further contact whatsoever. That is what you need to hear right now - not how hurt he is and that he needs to do the 'right' thing by her.

Be strong and please do not let him go and meet her. if you need to both go and show her you are a united front but not him alone unless he is willing to have a listening device too.

I wish i had been stronger at the time - and insisted on that, it would have caused such a lot of later anguish for me. If he wants you to trust him then he needs to trust you on this one.

Dont let him lie to again that he will finish it this time- he has said that before and let you down then too remember.

Sorry to sound so harsh but please please listen to what your gut is telling you - you know this is wrong and so you now NEED to think about what YOU want.

Good luck - you can do this you are not being silly - he is - he has had his way for a long time now it is your turn. you really will be better to hold your ground this time - trust me.

SM - 'he couldnt help texting back'!!!!!! yes he could he should have telling you instead of not repecting you yet again. That is why i say dont let these men try and finish it face to face - they are too weak and just wont be able to - sorry but that is the usual pattern i have seen anyway.

Happywoman I have thought about it and have come to the same conclusion actually. I really do think think he is genuine this time about finishing it (and this is the first time I have thought this) but I agree with you, he doesn?t need to see her. I have told him to have a brief phone call with her where he tells her the situation, rather than a conversation. We had a good evening last night ? I didn?t attack him at all, although I still felt angry ? it does no good. I was empathetic instead and we talked a lot as a result. I feel much better today.

It?s interesting that all our stories seem to be so similar. It?s like there?s a manual on this stuff that all these men have read. We?re all on the same path but happywoman and maturer a bit further along that me and SM.

iris - i really do hope he does mean it - but dont feel bad if you dont believe him - you dont have too. If you need evidence then go get it - dont let him be the one having to reasurre you.

Remember he has to earn your trust - i know you are worried about looking for the proof as it makes you feel as if you are doing wrong but remember has done this so dont feel bad about it please.

Good luck

HW what sort of things have helped you trust your dh again? My dh has asked me what I need from him and I can?t think really ? with the phone I could look at it but he can easily delete anything he doesn?t want me to see. I have told him he has to tell me when he sees her and what (work) contact he has had with her. In the end I have to trust that he wants to be with me - that he knows any more contact will be the final straw for me.

Hi iris

Read some of the fab and glam thread - you are welcome to join in too.

Yes you do need toknow about any work contact but again beware that he may not want to tell you- agian it has taken him about a year to come to understand that. You need to keep telling him what you need and if he gets angry beware. My h used to get angry but now he is just so so sorry. I never used it but i felt better that he got me as much information about her from work - home number and such. Knowing that he trusted me not to use it made me feel better in that makes sense. We joke about a PI too and i know it did make him feel uncomfortable at first but he is still not sure if i have/will do it.

He also forwards emails (even boring work ones). but i think this is only if he thinks i am getting vibes.

I agree if he still wanted to carry on he could - so it is up to you to learn to trust him - dont let him put pressure on you though to do this - it will happen very slowly.

Good luck.

He's agreed to call her and even asked me if I wanted to be in the room when he does it. I don't actually (maybe I should?)

I have her mobile number too which makes me feel more powerful. I have still not decided whether to use it or not.

I think you're right about the anger - I have seen a real change in him since the weekend. It feels as though we're working together on things now and he is not defensive at all.

Hi Iris - Sounds like things are a bit more positive today. That is good!
The mobile number is sooo tempting isn't it. I have my h ow's number and have used it. She wont speak to me so I sent her a couple of texts - this was all a couple of months ago when things were very raw still so just needed to get rid of some of the anger.
I have realised now that it isn't a good thing because she used to ring my h immediately to say that I was texting her so I now know that it just gives her an excuse to call him. So that always stops me now whenever I am tempted.
After our talk at the weekend some of the things I said have actually sunk in because he has called me at least twice a day this week to let me know where he is and who he is with. He even called last night to say he was on his way to the city ow lives in. He was letting me know because he hadn't planned to be there until Thurs but meetings had been moved. He rang again later just to tell me what he was doing and where he was eating!
Then he said what I had been wanting to hear for a while - That he had been stupid and that he really missed me and loves me!
I had worried before that he still wasn't that remorseful and maybe didn't see how stupid he had been.
I do hope we are turning a corner, although I wont hold my breath yet.
Keep posting iris, it is good to see how you are doing. x

That does all sound possitive. Iris please try and be in the room as you then wont have to worry - it will also be telling if he then stalls. He may of course just be saying that because he is hoping you will not want to listen in. You dont have to be there for the whole call but please do be there when he calls. Also another little tell tale is to make sure you see the number he actually rings - i remember my h saying he was phoneing her and quess what there was no reply (because he used a different number!!)

Knowlege is power and make sure you keep the number (you dont have to use it). Also if you can get as much info as you can. I do believe that she will have tried to get as much info from your h whilst conducting the affair.

We are a lot further down the line and i am still learning more of the process - it is a long process and there will be blips along the way. just make sure you do what you need to do at the moment even if you know it makes your h feel uncomfortable.

Good luck and do keep working on yourselves as you feel stronger and more in control soon.

Just checking in to see how you are Stirling. Things have improved a lot for me in the last few days. DH phoned the OW and told her it was over and he wanted no more contact. He said to me that he finally felt ready to do it ? that the last few weeks have been a process of him acknowledging what he had done and why and what he had to do to fix things. I think he had a reality check when she contacted him again after the break they had. I was very close to throwing him out and told him so ? he realised what he was losing. He is leaving his phone around again and I am checking it but want to get to the point that I don?t. It?s early days though.

I finally realise that for the last few weeks I have been treading water. We haven?t really been able to move on until he finished things with her ? although he was not seeing her they were still in contact. I just hope that?s it. I have told him that if I find out that he has had contact with her and not told me, then that will be the final straw and I do mean it. He seems bemused by this ? which makes me think that he really has finished it.

Hi Iris, so glad you seem to be moving forward. It must feel good.

I am still rather confused. I know h has told her there will be no more contact and they even saw each other last week in Europe and he said they only said Hello and that was all!

Our problem is that he finds it virtually impossible to talk about his feelings in all of this. He just wants us to carry on as normal now without mentioning the affair ever again but I dont feel I can do that. He says he loves me but I am not sure. It is hard to describe but I dont feel comfortable in his company anymore. I dont feel relaxed like I used to. I feel like you would with a new partner, not sure how to act.

I am also worried about my feelings for him. Since the fiasco with the awful text, my emotions seem to have shut down a bit more. I dont even have the desire to check his phone anymore. I really dont care if there are texts from/to ow. I dont feel jealous anymore. In fact, I dont care!

Sounds bad, when you write it down .

I think I am just having a bad/sad day!

That sounds good iris - but do keep checking it is still early days and these things are not easy to end. You must stay strong and really mean if there is any contact - it is hard because you want to trust and let go but need to protect yourself too. I would say once you feel comfortable that he is being open you will want to 'explore' a bit more about why it happened to feel confident it wont happen again - does your h agree to this - like i have said this is a really slow process.

Stirling - dont feel bad that you feel this - you dont have to 'have him back' and even if you decide now to throw the towel in no-one will blame you. You are protecting yourself at the moment and this is your way - you have shut down. Take this time to ask yourself if this is what you really want? Try and do things together so he can show you why you love him - try and re-discover the spark. And if it is not there that is not your fault but you will have had some nice times together anyway. Are you able to go out together or maybe go away for a couple of days? And dont let him dictate when this is 'over' you still need time to talk about it and he needs to understand this.

At first we tried to just get on with life - but it still just kept popping up. We have continued counselling and realise this is normal and so now we are both better at saying when we are uncomfortable with the conversation and agree to leave it and discuss it later.

Time is the main factor and although we would all love to just be able to fast forward i have also found it a great time to learn about me and what i want in the future.

Good luck to all those going through this.

Thanks HW - I find your posts really helpful. I read your last post earier, then took dc to school/nursery and went for a run. It gives you time to think.

I spoke to h last night (he is away again) and told him when he is home at the weekend we need to talk and he agreed that we did. Just hope we can get somewhere before my emotions totally shut down.

Oh Stirling I am sorry you feel down. But as HW says what you are feeling is totally normal - you are protecting yourself. I also think that once you have faced the real possibility that you may be alone rather than with your DH, it does put you at some distance from him. In a way it's the power balance shifting in your relationship. You're not saying 'please love me not her' you are saying 'ok, show me how you feel, convince me that it's me you want, show me that you have understood and learnt from this'. I have had to tell dh what I need from him several times before it has sunk in. And he is trying, I can see he is.

What has happened with your couple counselling? That would be a good space to explore his feelings for the OW in a way that would let you continue with your life alongside it.

Hi Iris, after finding the awful text message to ow, and the ensuing row, I handed over the rebuilding of the relationship to h. I told him that I wouldn't be making appointments with the Counsellor anymore. If he wanted to rebuild the relationship then he had to take control of that area, make the appointments and I would attend. And guess what? There has been no more appointments made.

I did mention the Counsellor a week ago and h said he wasn't ready to go back yet. Dont know why though.

I am considering going on my own soon as I feel I need to talk to her just about my feelings.

Anyway, I am off the Music-Makers now with littlest dd to sing my heart out!!

Take Care

I am seeing someone myself and have found it really useful. My dh hasn't been ready to do couples counselling either - but I think in our case it was because he hadn't finally accepted that he had to end contact with the OW. I think he thought they may have been able to be friends at some point!

he has now said he will go for counselling on his own (which is a huge step forward for us).

Your dh needs to start showing you how he is going to make things right between you.

Sorry to sound harsh stirling but why would he go to counselling if he can get away without going?

I do understand how hard it is for these men - mine took ages to fully understand, but i do know that they need to get to the point where they are willing to do whatever it takes to make you feel safe again. Counselling should be easy really - its not as if you are asking them to walk across hot coals yet!!

I really do feel for you both but there does have to come a point where you get what you want instead of them just getting on with life.

If you want to feel safe you need to find a way to make sure this will not happen again. You may not get it right - no-one really prepares you for this and its ok for you to make mistakes. But if you feel you need your h to go to counselling you need to find a way to tell him that and 'demand' it.

It has been a slow process but i truely do believe that my h would now do anything i needed to keep our relationship strong. Everyday he still asks me what he needs to do, i am almost tired of it but at least i do feel he would not do it again - not out of fear of getting caught but because he has 'explored' what he now wants and this is what he wants.

Good luck to you both but please do remember to take care of yourselves first.

For me the counselling was a way of saying, ok I am going to concentrate on myself and what I need to get through this. I will come out of it stronger with or without DH.

DH has seen how it is helping me and is now in a place where he is willing to do it too. In our case, this will be more helpful than couples counselling as DH has huge issues he needs to deal with. These issues are not about our relationship but have impacted on it for a while now.

I think it's not as easy as insisting that someone does counselling - they have to want to be there and be committed to the process. I have been in sessions with my dh which were really destructive for us as he did not want to be there.

I guess what I am saying is that you have to be clear about what you need but you can't force your DH to give you what you ask for. And if that is the case then you need to think about how long you are prepared to tolerate that - like Maturer said a while ago you have to decide whether you are prepared to hang on in there and wait for him to reach the point HW has got to ie - committed to you and prepared to do what it takes to keep things together.