I'm So Confused.......I so want to believe dh.

[stirlingmum]

Dh and I have had a tought time lately. Last November he admitted to having an affair with someone from work. It had been going on for more than 6 months and got very serious by the sounds of things. He spent quite a few weeks not sure who he wanted to be with, which left me in a state of limbo as I just dont want to lose him. I love him, and there are 3 dc's involved. In the last few weeks we are making good, but slow progress I feel. He promised to cut her out of his life. Hard, I know because of their strong feelings for each other and because they work for the same company (although not closely so dont have to speak all the time). He has promised that they dont talk/text anymore but I know he does a good job of deleting texts that he doesnt want me to see but I found a text on Saturday that he had sent to her on 14th saying "I miss you too, Princess" - It was obviously an answer to one that she had sent and he had deleted. I am devasted again - I so wanted to believe that he wasn't going to contact her again. He is very sorry and says that he now knows that it is really me he wants - he just misses her!! I dont know what to think anymore - This rollercoaster is killing me!

Iris - I too have been very careful about who I have spoken to. None of my family know, but they dont live close and I honestly believe dh could leave me and they wouldn't know for at least a year. I have told two friends, but one has made it very clear that she doesn't want to be in any way involved. The other one has been better but I still think that whole thing has shocked her and I am careful not to go on about it too much.
HW - I think you are right that they do not want to make a decision until you are right at the verge of kicking them out. Then they realise they cant fanny about any longer and must "strap a pair on" so to speak.
When I was so angry this weekend over the text and I started talking about dh leaving the house and how often he could visit the dc's, he suddenly changed and I got more commitment out of him than I had for the last 3 months! Funny that, isn't it?

Iris - I agree with you - I have felt incredibly stupid over the whole thing. It is amazing but when I look back it was so obvious that something was going on. But in my defence, his work takes him all over Europe and he just seemed incredibly stressed and knackered all the time (and Maturer, the same as you, my dh was so low and unhappy during the whole period).
It didn't seem wrong that we weren't having sex or talking much because, I thought, his work was taking too much out of him. I even felt sorry for him.
I feel so stupid that I didn't realise he was seeing someone else (she is in another country).
I feel so stupid that I was trying hard to trust him again when I have found this bloody annoying text.

A word of advise for anyone going through anything like this...
Early on in this nightmare, a friend told me to keep a journal of my thoughts and sort of a diary of events. I started one and have found it really helpful. It is a good way of venting anger, feeling sorry for myself and just telling the story of what I am going through. It is also very useful to look back and see where you were just a few weeks ago! You can see if you are any further forward.
I wouldn't care if dh sees it. There is nothing in it that he shouldn't see. In fact one day I may sit him down and make him read it!!

That is good advice. I too try and keep a journal of events and generally how i am feeling - somehow writing it down helps me to think a bit more clearly and stops the endless thoughts going around in my head. I also wrote a couple of 'open' letters one to her and one to him and it is good to sometimes read them and remind myself where i am now and how i felt back then.

My one word of warning is not to keep going back - for a while i kept all the text messages h sent me while his head was not quite in the right place and it used to make me question everything again. I just could not believe that he was able to tell such lies and it made me question what i was doing.

Something else that i still do find useful is to try and make each day special and count for you. Simple things are the best such as seeing a fantastic sunset (that was today). My favourite is to make someone smile each day - a stranger - so i feel i have made a difference in someones life.

Also make some time each day that is just yours - have a bath or just read a good book and the hardest thing is to not feel guilty for it.

I found the writing down thing helped too. When I did some counselling one tip too try and get rid of the destructive feelings was to write an anger letter to the person-dh or her- but NEVER to send it, in fact I found it theraputic to tear it up. But I would not have been too worried if either of them had seen them as everything I wrote was the truth and it got to the point where i was so sick of all the lies the 1 thing i could hold onto was that I was honest about ny feelings.

My dh had the classic mid-life crisis thing- never really believed in it until I was living it. he turned 40 had work issues and got too closer to a younger woman at work.It's like they have a manual that tells them what to do because they all come out with the same moves and lines- if it weren't so sad it would be laughable!

He said he was in love with her and at the time he believed it......now he can't believe how shallow he was and so completley selfish.
I learned that affairs happen to lots of people- but it's a bit of a taboo subject. They happen to good people too- if the timing in their life is such even the best can have an affair!They are escapism- not always from the relationship they are in- often they are escapism from their inner self, something within them that's not right. My dh's "reason" was the need to be needed and he certainly found a very needy person to get involved with (she became something of a bunny boiler-even when he was finally trying to end it she kept trying to contact him through sneaky means- he told me at the time, which was when I knew he was working with me.)
Because they are fantasy they are not real- the emotions involved although they seem real at the time are not and canot stand the test of time- that's why usually they cannot surrvive when reality hits and others get to know.
The important thing for you is you hang on to what is real and be honest about your emotions no matter how painful- trust your gut feelings, I think at such a time of crisis that feeling becomes more aware- a "sixth sense" if you like!
By the way my dh at first couldnt get me needing to go over and over details- he said it was stopping us moving forward. Once he started to see sense agin and did some counselling he came to realise it is part of the healing process you have to get it all out in the open, try to make some sense of it all, then try make some type of peace with it- then you can start moving very slowly forward. burying the feelings is not good they just fester then come out at strange times taking you by suprise.
I believe recovering from an affair is like a grieving process- it comes in waves and it takes time, with lots of reminders and emotional triggers ambushing you along the way!

I found the writing down thing helped too. When I did some counselling one tip too try and get rid of the destructive feelings was to write an anger letter to the person-dh or her- but NEVER to send it, in fact I found it theraputic to tear it up. But I would not have been too worried if either of them had seen them as everything I wrote was the truth and it got to the point where i was so sick of all the lies the 1 thing i could hold onto was that I was honest about ny feelings.

My dh had the classic mid-life crisis thing- never really believed in it until I was living it. he turned 40 had work issues and got too closer to a younger woman at work.It's like they have a manual that tells them what to do because they all come out with the same moves and lines- if it weren't so sad it would be laughable!

He said he was in love with her and at the time he believed it......now he can't believe how shallow he was and so completley selfish.
I learned that affairs happen to lots of people- but it's a bit of a taboo subject. They happen to good people too- if the timing in their life is such even the best can have an affair!They are escapism- not always from the relationship they are in- often they are escapism from their inner self, something within them that's not right. My dh's "reason" was the need to be needed and he certainly found a very needy person to get involved with (she became something of a bunny boiler-even when he was finally trying to end it she kept trying to contact him through sneaky means- he told me at the time, which was when I knew he was working with me.)
Because they are fantasy they are not real- the emotions involved although they seem real at the time are not and canot stand the test of time- that's why usually they cannot surrvive when reality hits and others get to know.
The important thing for you is you hang on to what is real and be honest about your emotions no matter how painful- trust your gut feelings, I think at such a time of crisis that feeling becomes more aware- a "sixth sense" if you like!
By the way my dh at first couldnt get me needing to go over and over details- he said it was stopping us moving forward. Once he started to see sense agin and did some counselling he came to realise it is part of the healing process you have to get it all out in the open, try to make some sense of it all, then try make some type of peace with it- then you can start moving very slowly forward. burying the feelings is not good they just fester then come out at strange times taking you by suprise.
I believe recovering from an affair is like a grieving process- it comes in waves and it takes time, with lots of reminders and emotional triggers ambushing you along the way!

Thank you Maturer for your words. I am truly grieving for the person that I was married to. He is no longer there. I sometimes just want a hug or to talk to someone and I would normally have turned to him but feel I cant do this anymore.
I am feeling very sad tonight. Just one of those days. Sad that dh thought that being with her was more important than me.
I dont know if it is normal but I would love to see/meet her. I am intrigued what is better than me and our 3 dc's. But she is in another country. I recently went to visit to see where it had all happened and had hoped to bump into her but dh had pre-warned her and she went for a holiday that week. Suppose that should have told me where his loyalties lay.
Thank you all for your kind (and sometimes straight-talking) words.
It has given me much to think about. There will be some straight-talking between me and dh when he is next home.
Will keep you all informed.
Please keep me informed how you are all doing. xx

stirlingmum. you are grieving so be kind to yourself, declutter your life and as far as you can give yourself space and time to grieve......a good gut renching cry is sometimes needed- let yourself do it safely
( i mean not when children are around- it's not fair on them)

I did see her- a couple of times (and her dh- he was coping less well than I) and her parents- it was at the stage when the relationship was in it's "swan song" and she was staring to not take no for answer. i was very civilised but firm and honest with my emotions- I'd decided she needed a taste of reality- it worked for me- it made me feel better and I saw how pathetic she was- sad really.

that's not possible for you but bear in mind that what you have is real, formed on mature growing emotions not just escapism and a quick fix! Take care- be kind to yourself you deserve it.

Thank you Maturer - I wish I had a friend like you. Take Care xx

Maturer you are great.

Although i had met the ow i have not since and i for a long time thought i needed to befrore i could move on. I wrote a letter that i never sent and i too feel 'good' in that i never lowered myself to her level. I have always tried to be honest with my emotions but it is not always easy, but that is now what my h says he loves about me - i was never really 'sneaky' about it like she was.

I think that it was escapism too and because it does not stand the test of time he now sees what a complete and utter fool he has been. He still finds it hard to face people but he knows he has too. It is a bit like a good book that you cant put down. There is a need to know the ending.

The men will often shy away from any confrotation as it shows them to just be weak and pathetic and they just cant handle it.

try not to think about the ow too much - you know you are a better person than her and she will too. Dont give her the satisfaction of knowing how much this is affecting you.

A counsellor said that the time you waste thinking about her is making her more powerful in your mimd.

Thanks HW - Hadn't thought about it like that. Probably am making her more important than she is.
I think the text has made me realise that the affair is still going on, whether they meet up or not. It is still an emotional affair.
When dh discusses his guilt, he is very guilty, not just about the hurt he has caused me but (and this annoys me) the hurt he has caused her. But he also promises that he never said he would leave me so what is her problem.
She at least knew exactly what she was getting into. She always knew he was married with kids. She actually started the whole thing by telling him that she was available for a one night stand or anything more! Why should he feel guilty about a whore like that?

I think you are right to not think the affair is fully over. My h used to say he felt guilty for the ow too which made me mad. However now he sees that she did know what she was getting into and just like yours my h said he had said he was not prepared to leave me..... She had also said to him that he should not leave me (he now sees this as her way of making herself seem 'better' she did not put any pressure on him directly it was all done underhand. At the time he just couldnt see it for what it was - now he feels he was completly manipulated and it makes him angry too.

Your h owes her nothing she did know the score and he should know that, sorry to say that until he stops feeling anything for her it will not stop.

i wouldn't necessarily believe him about the way they started the affair...that may not be the whole truth- it takes two people- whether or not she knew he was married with kids or not (after all- he knows he's married with kids, so that should be that). I think the general tone of how he's conducting himself following his decision to stay with you is disrespectful, undermining, deceitful and hurtful. A bit half-assed really. As you say, their affair continues as long as they're in any kind of contact and he deceives you in any way.
I realise the situation isn't as black and white as this and I don't judge you in any way for wanting to stay and work it out BUT I think if you are to make the relationship stronger to prevent this happening again or permanent resentment setting in (this happened with my mum and dad who both had affairs when I was about 9), he needs to be utterly committed to the process and be there for you one hundred percent. I think the priority is for you to feel secure enough in the knowledge that he has severed all contact with her and told her in no uncertain terms that he wants to be with you and that's that. You can't and shouldn't tell him to do this or supervise him doing it- he should have done it himself. Anything less than that is insulting. Hope it all works out for you. x

Maturer - I can see why you chose your nickname for you are indeed very wise

Stirlingmum - like you I am wondering when I was stop feeling so sad

Happywoman - the tip about finding something good about each day is a useful one. I do remember looking at the lovely sunset yesterday

I did contact the OW (via email). I wanted to show her what the consequences were. It wasn't a bitchy email (though perhaps one line of it was - I asked her if it was an ego boost to sleep with a man most people would consider out of her league as I recalled her being fairly plain!)The main theme of the email was to show her the legacy she had left me with (fear of STDs - especially as dh and I had been intimate during my fertile period). I'm glad I did it tbh. It cleared my mind a lot. I think if the affair had been over and done with a long time ago I wouldn't have bothered, but as it had not ended I felt there was unfinished business there - that it was left hanging. So I wanted to make a final statement iyswim.

Good post MrsM - I think it is the lack of respect that is the most hurtful and like you say if he cannot respect your feelings of no contact means no contact what else is he caple of disrepecting?

capable

HappyWoman- Exactly...all his energy should be ploughed into rebuilding her trust in him. It's one thing to miss the OW, feel sorry for her blahblah, it's another to act on it.
I think I would want to back right off from him until I felt secure enough that it was actually over. I think this is going to be a long process and he needs to lead the way- initiating change and showing respect for her feelings and emotions.

Yes you are right. The fact that he has even sent her the text shows that he has not 'got it' yet and sorry to say but until he does get it you will not be able to move forward. I am not saying that once he does get it, it will be easy because it is not but he needs to be there first before you can go forward.

Maybe you should back off and he will then have to work doubly hard to 'prove' to you that he is worth all this heartache.

Dont give up hope though it can still have a happy ending but he needs to do a bit more in my opinion too.

Stirlingmum ? how are you today? I have been having a bad day ? tried to talk about things last night but dh just would not talk. I ended up going to bed feeling very tired and depressed ? the emotional energy it is all taking is phenomenal.

Happywoman and maturer ? your words are really helping me. I feel that I have moved on in the last few days and realise I need to think about my own self respect in all of this and what I will tolerate. I have been trying to work with the positives and see this as a process of him coming to his senses but the bottom line is that he is still emotionally involved if he is in contact with her. And he could be putting that emotional effort into our relationship. I have been trying not to give him too many ultimatums but I can now imagine asking him to leave.

Hi Mrs M - You are so right with the "disrespectful, undermining, deceitful and hurtful" bit. I can see all of that now. I have definitely been the one putting all the energy and time into making this work, and I believed that we were getting somewhere. This knock has taken me back nearly 3 months in our rebuilding process. Your take on the situation is spot on. Thanks x

HW I have already backed off and have been very cool today. He arrived home v late last night and it was obvious I wasn't happy and deep in thought. He asked me to talk but I told him I can't trust anything he says at the moment so dont see much point.
Today, so far, with kids around, cant say too much but I feel more up to a talk later. Will tell him that as far as I am concerned the affair is still ongoing and until he completely cuts all contact I cant talk about the future.
As for the counsellor visits, I shall tell him that if he wants to set up the appointments I shall come along. I wont be organising it all anymore.

Hi Iris, Thanks for asking, I am ok. Another bad/sad day though. I had a good chat with a friend over coffee this morning and that helped. Sorry you h wouldn't talk last night. Maybe he is still too involved with ow? Sometimes an ultimatum works wonders. But only do that if you are willing to see it through.
Be strong xx

SM and Iris you both sound as if you are doing so well.

I wish sometimes now i had made more ultimatums and demands. If the relationship is going to work then it will whatever. I would rather be in a relationship i feel safe to say and do what i need than have to feel as though i am walking on eggshells all the time in case i 'hurt' him and upset him which could result in him leaving.

We all want a strong marriage and that means both partners needs being as important as each other.

Having said that though in the early stages after the affair it can take a while for him to come to his senses fully - just make sure you have a time limit on how long you are prepared to put yourself through this hell, and that he knows that too.

Good luck with getting what you want.

Stirling this thread is really helping me - like a post-affair support group! I have written out how I am feeling and may give it to DH later. I find writing it all down very therapeutic and on occasions before when I have shared it with dh he responds better to being able to read, digest and mull it over before we talk. I have told what I need from him very clearly.

Happywoman
"I would rather be in a relationship i feel safe to say and do what i need than have to feel as though i am walking on eggshells all the time in case i 'hurt' him and upset him which could result in him leaving".

That is spot on. Thank you

You are wellcome iris - it has taken me a long time about a year to get to that point and i am now ready to do some more conselling as i feel i am 'stuck' but i want to move on and trust him again but do not want to be made a fool of again.

My h has been fantastic since i 'stood up' to him and told him i NEEDED the truth and details from him and until i did i could not go forward and if i didnt then there wasnt a future for us. It was a shock but he agreed and actually just knowing i can ask him whatever i want whenever i want has sort of made it less important to me now anyway.

Please dont be afraid that you will ruin everything - he has already done that and all you are doing is to try in the only way you know how to get over it. You must do this for you otherwise resentment will set in and that really is not a healthy marriage.

Good luck with all your 'talks'
Always here to try and help