I'm So Confused.......I so want to believe dh.

[stirlingmum]

Dh and I have had a tought time lately. Last November he admitted to having an affair with someone from work. It had been going on for more than 6 months and got very serious by the sounds of things. He spent quite a few weeks not sure who he wanted to be with, which left me in a state of limbo as I just dont want to lose him. I love him, and there are 3 dc's involved. In the last few weeks we are making good, but slow progress I feel. He promised to cut her out of his life. Hard, I know because of their strong feelings for each other and because they work for the same company (although not closely so dont have to speak all the time). He has promised that they dont talk/text anymore but I know he does a good job of deleting texts that he doesnt want me to see but I found a text on Saturday that he had sent to her on 14th saying "I miss you too, Princess" - It was obviously an answer to one that she had sent and he had deleted. I am devasted again - I so wanted to believe that he wasn't going to contact her again. He is very sorry and says that he now knows that it is really me he wants - he just misses her!! I dont know what to think anymore - This rollercoaster is killing me!

Sounds more like you mean it this time...good luck with the talk tonight. x

Yes good luck with the talk - although you needed to say that and have the talk do take it slowly and dont get too upset if it ends in an arguement. I would also suggest trying to limit it to a time - however hard this is for you as otherwise it could drag on and on.

That is where a consellor is such a help as it gives you that un-interupted time to discuss it and then to get on with the rest of life.

He will apreciate this too rather than thinking that you are just going to have a go at him.

Keeping everything crossed for you and hope it works out well for all of you.

Thanks Happywoman and Mrs M x

Good luck SM.I found the letter approach really helpful as it put the ball in his court - he had to respond and lead the conversation rather than me asking endless questions. What really cheered me was that when we started talking he also produced some notes which he had made - so he had obviously thought about what I had said.

He maintains that he has cut contact with OW except for an occasional text which he would be happy for me to see. My situation is different to yours in that the affair was not going on for long before I found out - less than a month. He still thinks that at some point he will be able to be friends with the OW! He describes it as a friendship that turned into a bit of a crush - he says he feels really stupid.

Anyway I am not fighting that particular battle at the moment - what was more important to me was to find out his feelings for me and what he was going to do to fix our relationship. We both said we were committed to doing that. And also to tell him I was not going to tolerate any more lies - I was quite prepared to ask him to leave.

So sorry you are going through this, I have been where you are and it is miserable.

DH had an 'emotional'affair when I was pregnant with DC3, it all kicked off and he swore it was over. Like you I found more texts and went ballistic, at this point i kicked him out.
I had to take some control, this totally shocked him and I think at that point he really took stock of what he had to lose. We are a year down the road now and are back together BUT it has been a long,hard journey, he is still having to prove himself.

He changed jobs,phone numbers etc this was the minium I was prepared to accept for him to have any chance of still being with me.

I still have days where I can't beleive what he did but it does get easier.

You are being very strong SW. You go girl

Thankfully I have never walked the road you have all travelled, but I wanted to say how brave and impressive I think you all are - and so strong.

I hope that you all find the happiness and resolution you deserve.

xxx

Thanks Midwife and Truly - Your support is appreciated and needed.

Iris, glad to see you are getting somewhere. I feel a bit better now. I felt awful this morning but handing over the letter and letting him know exactly how I feel seemed to lift a weight. Like you say, putting the ball in their court makes you feel better.
I feel like I am not trying to make him love me anymore. I am waiting for him to show me he loves me. It is a release. I do still have a horrible yucky sick feeling in the pit of my stomach but maybe that will go in time.
He asked me if I wanted him to go away to his sisters for a while but I said no, that wasn't what I wanted but if it was what he wanted then he should do it. I hope he doesn't. He is in Singapore all next week so maybe that will be enough time to take a step back and think about our situation.
He told me ow texted earlier this week (probably because I texted her - I really should stop that. It gives her an excuse) but he ignored and deleted her texts. We will talk again later. Take Care x

Hi all- sm, sp glad you felt able to write down your feelings- it does help!
The ball is now in his court. I agree with happywoman, from my experience my dh's affair went on long after the relationship stopped and he too was feeling guilty for her- said he hurt her too- wanted to put things right in her life!!!!!!!!!

You just want to scream "HELLO I'M THE ONE YOU MARRIED-MADE VOWS WITH" I knew he didn't deserve me to be there for him but I made a decision the moment he told me about her and that was that all the years we'd had together before this (at that time 20- 16 married)had been good and we'd been happy and had 3 fantastic children.I knew I wasn't going to allow him to throw that all away, not without a fight, not when I felt deep down that SHE was not what he really wanted. She'd just turned his head like a love struck teenager!and he was acting like a complete idiot for her.
I also thought we'd never really had any troubled times in our relationship and this was the first....huge,as it was......I couldn't just give up on us.

However I did come to a point when I decided there was no more I could do...it had to come from him. Fortunately he came to his sense just in time and started to work with me ( against her...as she wouldn't go away at that point)I never issued any ultimatums as such becuase I needed any committment to come totally from him not from my forcing him..but I did get to the point where I was ready to stop putting in the work and knew I was strong enough to move on without him, if i had to.

My only concern when I hear similar stories from others is that you can only hang in there for so long and it may just be too late when he finally stops being a pratt and comes to his senses- too much pain, too much damage , too detructive...so sad.

I remember reading an article at the time from a husband who was onto his second marriage after breaking up his first via an affair looking for something different...he said if he knew then what he'd learned in time...then he'd have tried harder with his first wife, worked at it more. He was infact saying- the grass is not always geener just different!!!!

So ladies don't beat yourselves up for trying to make your marriage work- it has to come from both parties, he has to see sense, let's just hope he doesn't leave it until it's too late!

Just had a good evening - Had a bit of a chat with dh but had a few laughs and a couple of glasses of wine as well.
Hopefully everything will work itself out. There is definitely something still there

nice one- keep us informed!

Maturer - again you are so right. I think my h followed that same pattern. At first i was going to fight it all the way but as time goes by and i worked on myself i knew i was able to do it alone if need be and even though i didnt want to that is what i had started to do. Only then did he come to his senses - as i think it was only then that he saw his choices being taken away from him, at that point he had to choose, up until then both me and the ow had in fact 'let' him have us both. I think the man comes back to the wife and the ow clings onto hope and thinks he will come to her (as he has in the past), but the rules have changed. I think that maybe if the ow had backed off more she may have got a different outcome.

Amyway good luck with it and like maturer says i hope in your cases it is not too late, if that is what you want.

I also think that it does need both of you to work and once the 'fight' has stopped it gives the wife a chance to really ask if this is what she wants - and i think that can take a long time too, if i am honest i am still in that stage - it is good at the moment but i still have to work on it.

stirlingmum, lovely to hear about your wed night...hope there are many more to come.

Thinking about you- we have a lot in common ( just seen on another thread you are 43 and a size 10- so am I!!! no relevence here just makes me odentify a bit more with you)

How you feeling today? Remember there will be up days and way down days...take care

Thanks Maturer. Feeling ok today. Have felt amazingly in control since handing over the letter.
DH and I haven't spoken much about it but we are getting on better in everyday life. I have just taken him to the airport - he will be away now until next Friday. We did have a little chat at the airport. He is struggling to say he loves me because, he says, he has emotionally shut down. He knows that he misses me when he is away so I should just take that as a positive and hope the rest comes back. He says he is just feeling overwhelmingly guilty and doesn't understand why I still want him.
I think, as Happywoman said, I shall just get on with my life and see what happens.
He has the letter with him and says he will read it again while he is away and we will speak each day on the phone.
Take Care Maturer x

Iris, How are you doing today? Hope all is well.

Hi, when i was going through the aftermath the opportunity arose for my dh to work in Chicago for 3 months. Whilst we did not "split" as such we both agreed a bit of space and time apart might help us both decide how we felt.

He tells me now he was really worried that i might decide I didn't want to be ith him after all as he knew I could cope on my own with the kids. I missed him dreadfully and he me...it was a leap of faith though as I was sending him to another counrty to do as he wished , I'd never know! However he was so miserable away from us when they asked him to extend the contract he immediately said no. The space showed us both we wanted each other and still loved one another.

I hope it gives your dh time to focus.

Funnily enough, with him looking for another job to get him away from her, one of the options is a job in Florida and he was wondering whether to go out on his own first and then see if he wants/we want to join him.

Like you say, it might help. I really need to know he is with me for the right reasons.

I WANT IT ALL! WITH CHERRIES ON THE TOP!

Hi Stirlingmum - glad to hear you are feeling better and more in control. I am ok thanks ? have had a good weekend and feeling positive today (although have had my low moments too the last few days ? someohow the feelings come out of nowhere don?t they and knock you sideways?)

I am going to see a counsellor this week ? having had a couple of relate appointments when the original crisis happened, DH then decided he did not want to do any more together (although he hasn?t ruled out the possibility of something on his own). I feel I need some space to go through my own feelings about it all. Would love to hear from Happywoman and maturer on how the counselling process worked for you ? I don?t know what to expect really. The relate appts were the first sort of counselling I had had, and I was in SUCH a state, and obviously DH was there too. Did you go home and discuss with your partners?

We have had a good time together this weekend but I swing between feeling we should be talking more about ?us? and then just feeling I should go with the flow for a bit, enjoy being together and remember how well we do get on. We have had a lovely time together the last few days and we seem to have regained a lot of the intimacy we had lost. But again I feel that perhaps I am being too soft ? it certainly suits DH not to talk about it, or to limit the amount of time we spend on it.

Hi iris - i am going for some counselling on my own this week too. I have done lots of things for me and it does help to get my feeling in some sort of order.

Discus it with h if you want to - if the relationship is strong it will survive anything surely and it will make you feel more sucure.

Just try and do what feels right for you - overthinking (which i am too good at doing) can make it worse.

HW did you have couple counselling too or just counselling on your own?

Hi Iris, Glad to see you have had a good weekend. My dh went away Sat for a week so it is just me and the dc's. I actually find I get more depressed/low when he isn't here because I imagine him getting in touch with her. Especially when I dont hear from him for more than a day (which happens when the time difference is so far out like Singapore) I imagine that he doesn't want to speak to me. It is amazing how your own mind can wind you up so much!

We have done joint counselling and then one each on our own. We may still do more on our own. I think both sorts are helpful.

I agree with your last paragraph - when we are together I think we should be discussing it more but then think we should just get along and see what happens.

Dh has taken my letter away with him to read again so god knows what he is thinking at the moment!

we are still going to relate together as it is a long journey with lots of ups and downs - it really helps as we now have to work on our new relationship and it gives us the time to focus on that. There are not many marriages that take time out to sort things out and make improvements where needed. Life just seems to always get in the way - this way we have to sit down and talk and i can recomend it, and not only there are major crisis.

It is just such a shame that it is hard to get it - and yet so easy to start divorce proceedings. I also think it is sad there is less support in the comunity - but you dont want to get me started on whats wrong with society today as i will be here all night. .

I agree with that HW. I didn't realise until we came to need the help that it is hard to get. We originally went to Relate, had our assessment appointment, and I remember just crying my way through that(it was all very raw). Then we were told to wait for 10 weeks for an appointment. Well, that was 10 weeks ago and we have heard nothing since.
Thank God we just went and found a private counsellor who has been really great.

We had an assessment appt at relate and I found it terribly hard ? it was very early on though when I had first found out. Dh was in defensive mode, I was in pieces. The counsellor was very even handed but she actually made me feel worse because of that (although she did at one stage point out the complete inconsistencies between what DH was saying he wanted to do and what he actually was doing!) I think in retrospect we went too early, but I felt I needed to do something at the time and it did help us then talk more afterwards. We were told we were an emergency (because I had given DH an ultimatum) and would be considered for the next available appointment but that would not have been for a couple of months and would probably have been a daytime appointment (impossible for us both to attend). My counsellor is a private one.

Stirlingmum one thing I have learnt is that you have to give things time and actually reminding each other of how it feels when things are good between you is a positive thing. Trying to be normal sometimes and having fun together makes DH realise what we have and what he has nearly thrown away. We talked again at length last night and every time we do he opens up a bit more, tells me a bit more about how he was feeling and how he feels now. The progress we have made feels good - it does feel like a process we are working through. But it is hard to accept that there are no quick fixes and it?s incremental. Listening to Happywoman and Maturer it seems that I have a long road ahead of me.

I think we all have a long road ahead - and i am not sure whether it is easier to stay or go - both options imo mean having to find yourself and do what is right for you.

I think going to see a counsellor in the very early stages is more about acknowleging there is a problem that trying to sort it out.

At first i found the counsellor very much even and i was willing to take responibility for my part but i became irritated when instead of allowing me to 'punish' him i was told i had to get on with it and needed to get over it - hence we have found a new counsellor who has not know us from the begining. One of the things that began to grate on me was our old counsellor would say h was a good man who made a mistake - and would say it was more than one mistake as i was still hurting from the sheer number of lies he had told me so i thought it was a lot of mistakes iyswim. I would then ask as what stage does he go from a good man making a mistake to a bad man who cant tell the truth? She did not like that. I also felt she did not get the punishment need i had - i still feel he did wrong and no matter how many 'excuses/reasons' there are to why it happened the fact is he did it and should pay for that. That is not to say i want to beat him up about it all the time but i do feel there is a need to see and know that he is truely sorry and is feeling as guilty as i am feeling crap.

It is a long road and there is no easy route, i too am learning that i need to keep working on myself and our relationship too.

But i do believe that we are in a better place than before it all started anyway.

Iris, well done for your chat with dh and getting him to open up. It was only when I read that I realised that when we have our "chats" I do 95% of the talking and dh only talks when I ask him a question. And it isn't because I talk incessantly! Even if I stopped talking dh wouldn't say anything. I do feel like I am banging my head against a wall sometimes! I think he is really having problems with what he has done and the damage it has caused. He is feeling VERY guilty.
I dont know how we move on from that. Maybe the counsellor can help with that.
I think she is going to be disappointed with us when we see her again because she had set us "homework" of each of us writing down what we loved about each other when we first started seeing each other, she wanted us to move on from the affair. But I feel finding the text to the ow has set us back quite a long way.
It has gone back to being about trust again. He had promised to have no contact with ow and has let me down. I asked him on Saturday if she had been in touch again and he said no but then I dont know why I asked because I cant believe him although I really want to.
Iris and HW, you are both right, I had no idea how long this road was going to be but I think I am beginning to see how long it will be and it is exhausting!
And that light at the end of the tunnel has turned into a train coming in the opposite direction!!