I'm So Confused.......I so want to believe dh.

[stirlingmum]

Dh and I have had a tought time lately. Last November he admitted to having an affair with someone from work. It had been going on for more than 6 months and got very serious by the sounds of things. He spent quite a few weeks not sure who he wanted to be with, which left me in a state of limbo as I just dont want to lose him. I love him, and there are 3 dc's involved. In the last few weeks we are making good, but slow progress I feel. He promised to cut her out of his life. Hard, I know because of their strong feelings for each other and because they work for the same company (although not closely so dont have to speak all the time). He has promised that they dont talk/text anymore but I know he does a good job of deleting texts that he doesnt want me to see but I found a text on Saturday that he had sent to her on 14th saying "I miss you too, Princess" - It was obviously an answer to one that she had sent and he had deleted. I am devasted again - I so wanted to believe that he wasn't going to contact her again. He is very sorry and says that he now knows that it is really me he wants - he just misses her!! I dont know what to think anymore - This rollercoaster is killing me!

Thanks - You made me laugh with the "Men are simple...." line. I needed that!

You are right that I now have to decide whether this is what I want. That is what is weighing me down.

Maybe I should make him court me again and see if we still like each other.

Thanks HW - You have given me things to think about again.

Good luck to you too x

SM

Try and remember you are doing so well - i would not wish this on my worst enemy. It sounds dramatic but until you have been there it is so hard to understand.

You have the control and you do not need to settle for 2nd best - now make him prove himself worthy of your love from now on.

It can work and this will make you see things differently. Dont be hard on yourself because you have now changed it will only be for the good in the end.

Each day you will be getting stronger and very very slowly you will make progress and will start to feel better again.

Always here for you

I am still posting on your thread stirling as I find it really useful. Have had a strange few days. We had a long talk on Friday night which was a bit too wine-fuelled - I ended up feeling that he had no self awareness at all, that I have done quite a lot of soul searching about what has happened but he is still stuck at the 'I met someone else' stage. He started going on about what an amazing person the OW is. That was hard to hear - he hardly knows her. I think is that she just came along at the right time and if it wasn't her it would be someone else - the reasons are all about him and his state of mind. But maybe I just tell myself that to make myself feel better - I certainly spend a lot of time thinking about her.

Anyway we ended up sleeping apart for the first time since I found out - he apologised the next day for saying some upsetting things and blamed the wine. But I was beginning to think Ok I am ready to let him go, let him leave and see what it is like to be free of me and the kids.

But then we had a good time the rest of the weekend - very busy with family celebrations so no more time to talk seriously, just having fun together.

The more I hear about his 'affair' the more it sounds like a crush with a one night stand thrown in (although of course he could be downplaying the whole thing). So why was he ready to throw everything away? We are still sleeping together and I feel bad about that too although that part of our relationship is amazing, better than ever. It feels like the one thing we do which is honest communication at the moment.

Iris

Do you believe it is fully over for him? I ask because it sounds very much like us when i first found out - he said it was but was unwilling to soul search and say that it was me he wanted. I had to put up with him feeling sorry for her too. But actually it was not over and they were just being a bit more clever at it and giving him a bit more time!!!!!

He did leave and come back and leave again - all the while me trying to keep our family together. It wasnt until i got to a point where i was prepared to go it alone and he knew i could that he started to really think about what he wanted and what he was about to lose forever. He left it until the last hour before finally making his choice (even now i am not sure she was not still waiting if it all went wrong again - which is what she thought would happen).

I am glad you have done some soul searching and you will be stronger because of this - now it is up to him to prove to you that he really is worthy - dont worry if you have changed your mind - remember he has brouhgt all this about not you.

HW I don't think it actually developed into much. I think I found out v early before it had properly got going. He says he had seen her alone 5ish times and they had slept tpgether once. And I think he made the first move and he was the one who made the running. She is in a mess mentally and I know she has told him not to contact her - he was still texting her to see how she was (!) So my perception is that he still has feelings for her which I think he is still romanticising - ie they could never be together. But he also has feelings for me and thinks he is doing the right thing be staying with me and seeing if we can sort things out.

I believe he is not seeing her. But I think he would still be in text contact with her if she had not pulled the plug on it - and who knows whether she may change her mind. And I don't know what he's getting out of that contact other than that he cares about her (she has big problems in her life).

So...I guess what the ramblling post is saying is that I don't think it is properly over for him - he still has feelings for her. I don't think he has made a positive choice to be with me yet - I think he's seeing how things go. Which is my state of mind too. Not very healthy really.

Iris - firstly, please feel free to use this thread. It is interesting seeing where you are up to with this situation.

You say so many things that I am feeling and doing. Dh and I still sleep together and, the same as you, it is amazing and in one way better than it has ever been although something inside me has shut down and I seem incapable of orgasm.

Again, weirdly, we had a wine fuelled talk on Fri and I came out of it more confused that before. I find it impossible to read dh as the moment. He says one thing but I cant look into him to see if he is telling the truth (does that make sense?).

I know that dh and the ow spoke on the phone last Tues (she rang him which makes me so angry because he and I have told her not to!!) but he took the oportunity to tell her not to call again and that he wouldn't be calling her again. Apparently she is still saying she wants to carry on seeing him!

But he says he feels very guilty about her. Again, this makes me incredibly angry because she knew his situation, she knew he had a wife and kids. Why should he feel guilty about her. I am the only one who didn't have the full info 12 months ago!

We still only talk when I force him into it. I am sure if it was up to him it wouldn't be discussed again.

HW - How are you? Thanks for your posts. I find them useful too. x

Iris - do be kind to yourself, you are doing so well and to admit that you are not entirely in the right place is very brave of you.

I think what you both need to do is to stop worring about what they are up to and try and work out where you are and get what you want. Ok so maybe your h wont come back to you but it is not about what you are doing - they need to do that themselves. We can only be there for them and support them but it is only them that can make that break from the affair and totally comit to you.

I know this is easier said than done and i sometimes dont/didnt follow any of this advice myself.

I do hope your h's soon see the hurt they are still causing you and do give you the respect you deserve.

It can work but it is a long hard road to take and you both need to do it together as a team.

Stirling we do seem to be mirroring each other in some ways don't we? I find it very comforting to 'speak' to you - you validate how I feel to some extent! I was angry on Friday night and was ready to say to DH the next day that I wanted to separate. But then he sort of took the wind out of my sails by apologising and I know we had both had too much to drink so...I am waiting to see what happens.

My counselling/ therapy is to some extent to work out how I feel and what I want HW. I agree that I should stop analysing dh's motives for behaving as he has and concentrate on myself. It's hard to do though! I do want him, but not if he has learnt nothing from what has happened and that's how I felt last week. Hope you are ok too - it's really helping to hear from someone who is further down the line of the process.

and DH never wants to talk Stirling. He never initiates anything - in fact Sat am when he started to talk about our talk the night before is the first time.

What I have discovered does not help is that we have a good weekend 'in the moment' with each other, not talking about stuff and enjoying being together and with the kids. Then I go to work on Monday (today!) and have time to think about things and dwell on my own. So when he comes home I am ready to hit him with whatever I need to know about or clarify. And he is knackered after a day at work and not in the mood....we need some proper time alone in the day to do this really,

always happy to help. Glad you are taking the time to find out what you want and i too know how frustrating it is for h to just want to move on and not learn from this.

You probably feel like me in that you want to trust that he will never do this to you again but until you are sure he has learnt, you find it hard. He needs to see this as the worst thing he has ever done and then he can work out how to make it better - but if he still has any feelings for the ow he will not be able to see it as such.

We are still doing counselling and this week she asked h if he had always had a problem with 'sticking' to the rules in anything. He is a huge risk taker and always has proved others wrong - so far it has all paid off and he has never really failed at anything. I think this is why he found it tough to let go completly - and when he thought he had lost it all he was willing to 'beat the odds' so to speak.

Unfortunately that is one of the things that makes him so attractive - he is a winner, and it is not only me that liked that about him!!!!! .

Having said that i dont think he is only here to 'win' i do believe that he wants this now. He truely wishes he had never done this and i do believe he has learnt not to do it again - it has caused so much more pain than he could ever have imagined.

Anyway good luck to you all going through this too

i agree - i am not brilliant living in the moment. It is good to do but that is no way to build a future not being able to rely on each other.

How about writing down again and then making a pact to only talk for a set length of time.

I also do believe that there will come a time when you will get bored and have all the answers you need. At the moment yuo are only getting what he is willing to tell you and as you know it is painful for him which makes you reluctent to 'push' too much - and so the circle continues.

He needs to know you are not doing this to punish him but that it is a normal process you have to go through - i think the quicker you can get over this stage the better. Unfortunately i think we 'buried' too much in the beginning and it is now back to haunt us some more.

You are right I am only getting bits of information at a time and then when I think it over I think of another bit of the jigsaw that is missing so need to ask him something else.

And also all the things I have asked him when he has said 'I don't know' or 'maybe'. Argh! It's a way of him being in control. Interesting what you say about being bored with asking about it all - I long for that day (although I am bored with thinking about it constantly!)

I do need to feel that he won't do it again and I am nowhere near that at the moment. I don't think he fuly understands why he did it in the first place.

It is frustrating isnt it? You just want all the info but, not surprisingly, they dont want to give it all.

I worry about why he feels so guilty sbout the ow. I know she knew about us but I wonder is he actually said that he would leave us. She left her husband, which apparently had been on the cards for a long while as he screwed around. I asked dh if she left her husband for him but he said she didn't. She didn't go back to her h. She is living with a friend now I believe.

Right back at the beginning, when dh told me about her, I asked him why and he said two things. "Well, you weren't happy" and "I was lonely". Both of these responses make me mad now. The first one made out it was in some way my fault. The second one because, I was lonely too because he was away so much but I didn't go out and screw someone else!

Last night I asked him why and he said that it was just something different!! I think that he believed he loved her (and still does to a degree) which is more upsetting for me.

he chose to be with you, and he sent a text saying he misses her, which could be a response to not hurt her feelings, cos she is an injured party too and he cared for her so feels bad if she is upset, but he chose you. he decided he wanted to be with you.

I know you are right Cosima but I can find no sympathy for the ow. She knew what she was getting into.
I know he is staying with me but worry about why. Is it more for the kids?
He has never said he is sorry for what he did. He has said that he is sorry for hurting me. Maybe in time he will regret it but I think they were so heavily involved that he is still pulling himself away from the affair.

I know that there will come a time when we must stop over-analysing what happened and why, but it is very difficult to move on when there are unanswered questions in your head.
I think it dangerous to bury those things and pretend they dont bother you when they will just eat you away inside.
The reason why it happened seems very important to me at the moment. I can't seem to move on from that. I believe that he must have disliked me so much to do what he did. That hurts.

SM Relate do specific counselling and a book for this kind of thing - the aftermath. But I expect you know that already. Just thought I'd mention it.

Thanks Shiny - We do see a Relationship Counsellor but she is currently telling ME to move on from the affair but I dont feel ready to do that yet. I cant just forget it all.

SM - we have just changed counsellor as we both felt our last one was wanting me to move on before i was ready. In fact h has only just opeened up a bit more and i do feel that he is now beginning to fully understand what he has done to our relationship - but that has taken about a year now!!

So it is a long journey ahead of you. Although we all want to move on and never have to think about this again it just doesnt work like that and if for you it means having to go over and over and over it again no-one should tell you to move on.

I feel i dont always know what is best - afterall there is no rules to follow in these matters - however he has had his chance to do what he wanted and so now it is our turn to do what we at this moment think is best for us, yes we may get it wrong too, but if we feel we need the information then we should demand it now.

Good luck everyone.

Feeling a bit better about things today - Dont know why, just been thinking about what HW and Maturer said about it taking at least a year for their partners to realise what they had done and show proper remorse. We are just 4 months down the line so maybe I am expecting too much. H just doesn't want to talk about things as much as I do yet.

H's sister came to visit last weekend and they went out for a chat (she knows as much as I do). I was hoping that he would open up to her but he has just told her what he had told me. She did tell him that he was an idiot though!

Been thinking about ow calling and texting him and I am sure there is a way to block phone numbers. Will find a way to stop her calling!!

You can definitly get numbers blocked - most phones have that inbuilt for safty.

However he still wants the texts and calls he will just use a different number/name. (again from bitter experience).

The only way is time i am afraid and i think it is about a year for most - maybe it takes that long for it to sink into their heads what they have done (they really are that dense!!)

Use this time to do what you want and start working on things to make you happy.

I found it useful to do some things just for you - things you thought you may never do - i am meeting up with some fellow MN and i dont think h really approves - but tough. It is quite empowering to do something out of the ordinary makes you feel alive again.

Do take care and i am glad you are feeling a bit better.

Stirlirg, I don't think you should have any sympathy for the other woman, I just meant that maybe it would give you a bit of perspective about why he would say such a thing, and that it doesn't mean that he wants to be with her.

After all if you want to have a happy marriage you will have to learn to love him again for your own sake, so don't dwell on the minutia cos it'll make you miserable with worry, but concentrate on making yourself happy and thinking positive thoughts.
Its harder to be the one who he chooses cos you haven't got the mysterious allure of the 'what if' but you have to rise above this.
I wish you lots of luck, think positive

Cosima, I can understand it from his pov. I knew he missed her because I had actually asked him that question only a few days earlier, even though the answer hurt. It just made me so angry that he was telling HER that. As far as I know they had stopped texting etc but now she has started again believing there is a chance they will be together again.
You are right HW, men are dense, because he doesn't see how that text message has encouraged her to start trying to contact him again. He doesn't realise what a green light that was for her!!
He now knows that even if we dont work out, he doesn't want to be with her. I think it is their friendship that he misses the most but he understands that they cant go back to being friends.
Dont know why but feeling positive again today.
Thanks for your support - I find this chat very useful. Helps me to see things clearer!
Thanks

Like i said SM it is a long and bumpy journey you have in front of you and i wish you every sucess.

H is staying away tonight - which i hate, but it does in some ways make me feel stronger too iyswim.

I dont think i trust him 100% and not sure i ever will - i think it could always happen again. I do believe however h is much more aware and if he did break that trust again he knows what it would mean and so it would have to be pretty serious. I alone cannot stop it happenening again but if he wants to make this work (which i hope he does), he knows he has to do his bit too.

Making lots of plans too for things to do over the easter break which always makes us feel closer.