I'm So Confused.......I so want to believe dh.

[stirlingmum]

Dh and I have had a tought time lately. Last November he admitted to having an affair with someone from work. It had been going on for more than 6 months and got very serious by the sounds of things. He spent quite a few weeks not sure who he wanted to be with, which left me in a state of limbo as I just dont want to lose him. I love him, and there are 3 dc's involved. In the last few weeks we are making good, but slow progress I feel. He promised to cut her out of his life. Hard, I know because of their strong feelings for each other and because they work for the same company (although not closely so dont have to speak all the time). He has promised that they dont talk/text anymore but I know he does a good job of deleting texts that he doesnt want me to see but I found a text on Saturday that he had sent to her on 14th saying "I miss you too, Princess" - It was obviously an answer to one that she had sent and he had deleted. I am devasted again - I so wanted to believe that he wasn't going to contact her again. He is very sorry and says that he now knows that it is really me he wants - he just misses her!! I dont know what to think anymore - This rollercoaster is killing me!

I know what you mean. I can go from amazingly strong and calm, to wanting to curl up in a ball and cry my eyes out, to wanting to scream and shout at H and OW - all within a matter of hours!!

Totally agree, I bet in reality, once real life kicks in and the relationship is no longer purely about excitement and fun, that many relationships that started as affairs wouldn't stand the test of time.

If you want it really badly, try to focus on the progress you're making instead of the negatives. But make sure you don't bottle things up. You have to get it all out. And he has to then reassure you.

Are you having any counselling?
Do you think he understands just how much effort/committment you need from him right now? You shouldn't have to, but if you want this so badly, you may need to really spell that out. Leave no doubts as to what you expect from him. Then it's up to him whether he can rise to that challenge.

Stirling I don't think you would be unreasonable to ask/suggest that your dh gets a new sim card to end her texting him in the first place. You would at least have reaction from he to see how willing he is to try and do all in his power to stop contact with her.

stirlingmum,
Just wanted to try and add some support.
I've been exactly where you are- 4 years ago my dh had an affair with a work colleague.
Like you even when it came out and we hit crunch point he still kept in contact with her secretly- he said he couldn't get her out of his mind!!!! this was about 5 months after he'd left come back and said he wanted to be with me.
We did counselling, a bit together but to be honest the turning point was when we went to seperate counsellors- it certainly got him back to reality and he started working with me to stop her having any contact with him ( she by then wouldn't take no for an answer- it was awful)
He also did the text thing( just before the "turning point" - on her birthday!
" love you beautiful"- it nearly killed me after all the work and so called progress I thought we were making!!!!!!We came so close to splitting.

However we are still together- nearly 4 years on and are closer and stronger now. part of the problem as I experienced it was he hurt me so much and continued to do so after he'd done and I did nothing to deserve it. I learned to realise that his actions- though inexusable were still part of the whole "affair" it doesn't just end when you find out- even though the physical relationship may have- it's the mental involvement that lingers on for ages. It's all part of his " losing the plot" and taking time to heal and come back to me totally.

It's so hard because you have to try and hang in there when really he doesn't even deserve you to try and the damage that he's doing to trust is so destructive!

All I can say is IF YOU THINK it's worth fighting for- stay with it but make him open up. It has to be "no more secrets" and he has to stop any contact with her ( or let you know all there is) This is truely a rollercoaster of emotions and it's a slow healing process.

Have a go at reading "after the affair" by Julia Cole- it deals with what's common for all parties to feel - that includes how he will be having trouble letting go (pity him we all cry and he doesn't deserve any sympathy) but this is the reality and if you can undrstand then you can try deal with the fall out. take care honey- I so know how painful and confusing this is now- it's like you are living in a soap opera!!! but it's your life!

Thank you people for giving me lots to think about.
I had forgotten about my dignity in all of this. I was more worried that he would walk away.
One of the hardest things to deal with in this is their strength of feelings for each other. He told me at the beginning that he loved her. He may aswell have ripped out my heart and stamped on it.
I believe him when he says his feelings for her have reduced but he admits that he misses her company and that still hurts.
I hope that he will totally come back to me but just worry about how long it will take.

MATURER - How long do you feel it took for your dh to come back into the marriage properly?

Hi again

My h's affair was for a year but he had known her for a long time. Just as maturer said it took him a long time to be completly honest and open about the contact and even now i am not sure he fully understands my need to know about any contact.

There is a part of me that wants to punish him and part of me wants it to just go away and we can just get on with our lives.

I do see the pain that he goes through and i sometimes do think he too easily goes into 'woe is me' mode. I have learnt to say - well you caused it and i cannot help heal that pain. He too has had to learn about himself and why he did it and i think this is as painful as anything for him.

I totally understand about not wanting the ow to 'win' and there is a lot of that at the beginning and i think she will be trying everything she can to still be in his life - afterall she is a woman and will not want to lose either. The trouble is the men just dont see it as that and cannot understand that. They want us to feel sorry for them for having to 'give up' this part of their life and actually make us feel as if they are doing us a favour .

Baffy was spot on when she said he needs to give you 110% now - how hard is it for him to understand what NO contact is?

I have learnt from bitter experience to be completly blunt about what you want - if he is committed to you he will do it (whatever it is) if he cannot then at least you will know he is not committed.

It is hard but you must be prepared to state your case and stick to it - if he knows he will get away with it and even if he does come back to you eventually there will have been a lot of damage done.

My h had the chance to 'get rid' of the ow at work but for his own selfish reasons did not - at the time i said it was a condition and i feel weak that i 'allowed' him to twist it to his avantage. Dispite my fears i allowed them to work together - i hate it and although i think there is nothing going on i look back and wish i had been stronger and not had him back until she was completly out of the picture. This is one of the issues we are working throuhg now.

My h does now seem to be very committed - which is good, but now the fight is over as such, i find myself feeling i should have been stronger and actually questioning things a lot more (I wonder if he came back for me or if she actually did not want him anymore).

Anyway good luck if you want it dont be afraid of stating what you want and need right now (and in my opinion that has to be no contact), if he is committed he will do that for you. Dont let him make you feel guillty for asking for this for you.

BTW, I told dh on Saturday after our heated discussion that I will only believe that he totally wants to be with me if he asks me to take our vows again and we get/give new rings.
He was surprised and I think at first he thought it was ott. Later he said that he had thought about it and agreed it would be a good thing to do.
I told him I dont expect this to happen for at least another year.

Hi again

Having just read your last post - i know maturer has in the past said it was about a year and i think that is about right too. We have just seen a counsellor who thinks it generally takes about 2 years for the marriage to stable again!!!!

We are still going to see this counsellor as she has made me realise that it is ok to test our relationship (which like you i was afraid of doing for a while) - at least then i will know if it really is strong enough. I will then be able to move forward with more confindence.

At the moment although our relationship is better in so many ways i feel unable to trust we have a future together as i am scared of a repeat of the past. This is not a great place to be as i need to be able to see some future in us before putting more into it. I am not ready yet but i am hoping to re-do our vows some day.

look at that great minds think alike

Hi I have a thread on porn and internet dating. Discovered after starting the thread that he had been having an affair too.

SM - really sorry to hear what you've been through. I really hope things work out for you. Dh claims not to have been emotionally involved with OW but who knows if that is true.

HW - glad you are working things out. I have to say it made me feel even more hopeless when I read that the counsellor you see say it takes 2 years to stabilise the relationship. I don't know if I'm prepared to put the effort in. Also I don't know if I can handle the paranoia, distrust etc. I have been very trusting. Obviously stupidly so.

Thanks HW - You are right, this is an awful place to be at the moment. I just want a crystal ball to tell me all will be well.
On the positive side, we do talk alot more and regularly turn off the telly in the evening and have a glass of wine and a chat.
I asked him last night to contact her one more time to tell her that there will be no more texts or phone conversations. He agreed to do that (but he did this once before). Only time will tell now.
This week I will also be alot more demanding and tell him that any more contact like there was on the 14th, it is over. I need him to realise that this is serious.
HW, I truly hope that your situation gets better and better. Your relationship sounds strong enough to make it.
What are these men like? A bit of attention from a younger/pretty face and their brains turn to goo! It must be a massive ego boost and maybe that is what they dont want to say goodbye to.
Maturer - Thanks for your message. I also hope that things work out well for you.

Scaredwife - sorry to hear about your situation. Thanks for your message of support. If anyone told you how much pain was involved with this you wouldn't believe them.
I have felt so out of control. I felt that dh and the ow were deciding my future.
I am afraid I have now come to realise that it will take a year or two to get the marriage back on track. I dont know if trust ever really returns.

The 2 years does sound like long time to me too but at least i dont feel so abnormal - it has been about a 18months now and about a year with no contact so i thought it would all be gone now but it is not. At least i know it will take a bit longer.

I do know what you mean about not wanting to put the effort in and i will say it is not an easy option to stay and work it out and it does take commitment from you both. I still have days when i feel so tired of it all and wonder whether it is all really worth it - but then i think that leaving could be worse anyway.

I think when he is the one to leave you have not had to make a decision and it is in someways easier as you are the injured party, (which also explains why they find it so hard to just leave and often dilly-dally for months scared of making any decision at all).
We often make this decision very quickly - a kind of knee jerk and so it is important to take time to really make sure this is what you want not just to 'win'.

However until he gives you the reasurrance that he wants you (and is willing to give her up completly) it is hard to make the final decision. I think this is where i am struggling as i made mine choice before he had 'givin' her up.

Dont feel bad if you feel you want to change your mind down the line as it is his actions not yours that have gotten you into this mess in the first place. He had plenty of time to know what he wanted make sure you take just as much for yourself now.

That's what annoys me so much. Don't they think we would like an ego boost too? Whatever stops us can stop them. They are not ruled by their penis - even though I did tell dh he had one for a brain!

It was about a year before she was totally out of our lives and he was fully re committed to us.
It probably took me the next year to relax and start feeling normal again and to start trusting again! there will always now be a tiny part of me that does not completley trust him but he and I recognise he threw that away when he overstepped the mark.

He now can look back at that awful year with clarity and is totally ashamed and disbelieving at what a fool he was and how he let her take over his emotions and his thoughts....his fault ..his choices...he has to live with the consiquences.
strange thing is now- he is so completley contented with us and his lfe now, partly, I think because he realises just what he almost threw away through his own stupidity. He says that when he looks back it's like someone else was in his head ( he knows to well he made the choices etc etc)and he was living a fantasy.

The one thing I can look back at and say is that despite how she totaly got into his head he was during it all the most miserable/ confused/ lost- that he's ever been in life and I discovered, once the shock had worn off that I was very strong and I did not need him- but I wanted him...there's a difference!

I am not sure trust ever returns either but then i also think it has been lost in any future relationship too - so thats not a good start is it.

H knows the damage he has done and is prepared to live with it - if that means me checking up on him for now so be it.

He has been doing his own thing for 2 years and now I have to put in some graft for another 2 years - that makes me but I know this is all still raw for me and you (HW) are much further along the road. I only found out on friday.

Stirlingmum I am another one and this thread has been so helpful reading for me. It?s good to see that my feelings are universal.

I discovered my dh was having an affair a few weeks ago. We are still together and he is still at home ? he made the decision to stay and try and work things out. Sometimes I feel like an utter mug and that I should have thrown him out and forced him to face up to the consequences of what he has done.

One of my conditions was that he cuts contact with the OW ? he says he has not seen her but I know they have sporadic text contact. She also sees him at work, although not all the time or every day. Maturer?s post about the emotional contact ending was so helpful for me. I know the OW made him feel better about himself ? it was a classic mid-life thing. I can?t seem to make him understand how this makes me feel. He doesn?t seem to realise that it?s only once he totally cuts contact that we can really move on.

I know exactly what you mean about the rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes I feel as though we are closer than ever and it?s almost like when we first met. Other days I feel wretched and stupid and as though he is playing me along until it?s a better time for him to leave than now.

I don?t think my dh has been totally honest with me yet either over the amount of time he had been seeing her, or the details. He depicts it as very short-term ? but the fact that he described himself as in love with her and has told me he finds it hard not to see her makes me think it has been going on for longer than he says. I found out something else this weekend which he had not told me ? I asked him if this was it and there was anything else he had lied about. He said not.

I want to know all the details of their relationship and I am glad that maturer and others validate this ? I feel only when we have got it all out can we move on. But it?s so hard to get him to talk about it. On a good day I interpret this as him mistakenly trying to protect me from being too upset, and being unable to face what he has put me through. In my worse moments I think it?s because what he had with her was too precious to be violated by talking to me about it.

I read something today which really resonated with me about marriage ? that marriage is an act of will. You have to both want to be together and make it work ? even in the good times.

Yes I find myself needing to know all the details too. Grim as they are. If the situation was reversed I think dh would rather not know.

I also know that he goes into defensive mode and may be scared of telling em everything because he thinks I may turn round and say 'enough, I can't get past this, I can't forgive you'. That is the way his mind would typically work.

I am so sorry for all of you going through this - I wouldn't wish the last few weeks on anyone. Affairs are so mundane aren't they and so common. But so so destructive.

The feeling of being a "mug" is I think so common and it's probably the disbelief that you didn't see something wrong happening.
However we are none of us mugs all we've done is trusted and "he" has taken that trust and used it for deciet and none of them are happier for what they've done or caused....so who are the mugs?

There is a lot of "social pressure" to kick him out, don't let him treat you like that girl , you're weak if you do etc etc
The reality is you have to live this life, you know this person and have invested so much in your relationship together and deep down you (well I can only speak for me)KNOW he really doesn't want this. so you stick at it and you try for a while to put your pain aside and to be there for your marriage- that's not a weakness but a strength.It may be one that will not be worth the effort in the end- if he chooses not to put in the work- but you cab always say you did all you could.

Maturer I have been very careful about who I have spoken to about what is going on ? I have chosen those people who won?t be outraged on my behalf, have a go at my dh and encourage me to think that the only way I can restore some pride is to heave him out. I very deliberately said to Dh that I wanted to try and mend our relationship. I was not going to ask him to go. So if he went it would be his decision, to break up our family for the sake of seeing this other woman.

I have to live with the consequences of my actions not just for me but for my children ? and I need to be able to say to them, if it does not work out, look I really have given it my best shot.

Maturer how long was it before your dh broke off contact with the OW completely? I sometimes think that it will peter out in our case, if my dh sees that our relationship is good and worth saving. But it?s a lot of pressure to put myself under ? in a way I feel I am competing and he is comparing us.

Take it slowly - you do not have to make the decision to stay just yet - what is the hurry? He has had all the time during the affair to work out what he really wants and still has not until he is found out . I do think these men will not truely know what they want (if they get the luxury of choice that is) until they are faced with losing something they want.

My h says he was confused and it was not until i was prepared to 'let him go' that he came to his senses and only then finally realised that actually it was me and the family that he wanted all along. When there is someone who is seemingly offering you a no strings realionship (which is what the affair starts off being) it is a huge temptation - and i do believe that men do not see it as anything more than sex and some escape from the mundane. However before too long they are in deeper than they wanted and find it hard to get out without hurting anyone. Of course there are affairs where one wants to get out of the marriage but i think often it is for some escape that goes a bit too far.

Affairs are too often seen as a harmless fact of life, and until we teach people the real effect they have on so many people i fear they will continue and even grow, epececially with the ease of texts emails and some very dubious websites.

I think part of feeling so stupid is that I never ever thought he would do this to me. It's laughable really. I knew things weren't great in our relationship but we had had a terrible year (lots of things outside our relationship that impacted badly on it). I was aware we needed to do something - but whilst I was looking into Relate and other possible counsellors, he was looking at somebody else entirely.

Iris - sorry you are going through this - i would say dont be afraid of letting others know what is going on - i have found so many people are grateful for my honesty. There is no shame in what you are doing and if he feels shame then that is his doing not yours. It has given me strengh to know that i can do this with or without him and i am glad that others know and that i do not have to hide it as 'secret' from anyone.

I too did not want to 'kick him out' and wanted it to be all his own decision. But there does come a time when you have to say what it is that you want too.

I have learnt that i would rather be on my own than with someone who cannot choose. I am worth so much more than that. I d think you have to get to that point though before he will completly give up contact. (why would he when he knows you are not prepared to throw him out? no matter how long it takes). It is hard but it is better to take control than be always 'waiting' for him to come to his senses believe me.

I saw a solicitor before my h realised just how serious i was about still getting on with my life.

I think their egos have been boosted to such an extent that they think all women will wait forever for them and whilst we do they are having their cake and eating it too.

sorry if that sounds harsh but in my experience that is often the case.