I'm So Confused.......I so want to believe dh.

[stirlingmum]

Dh and I have had a tought time lately. Last November he admitted to having an affair with someone from work. It had been going on for more than 6 months and got very serious by the sounds of things. He spent quite a few weeks not sure who he wanted to be with, which left me in a state of limbo as I just dont want to lose him. I love him, and there are 3 dc's involved. In the last few weeks we are making good, but slow progress I feel. He promised to cut her out of his life. Hard, I know because of their strong feelings for each other and because they work for the same company (although not closely so dont have to speak all the time). He has promised that they dont talk/text anymore but I know he does a good job of deleting texts that he doesnt want me to see but I found a text on Saturday that he had sent to her on 14th saying "I miss you too, Princess" - It was obviously an answer to one that she had sent and he had deleted. I am devasted again - I so wanted to believe that he wasn't going to contact her again. He is very sorry and says that he now knows that it is really me he wants - he just misses her!! I dont know what to think anymore - This rollercoaster is killing me!

hello ladies,just thought i'd drop in to offer some support- or at the very least my experiences of this awful time.....

Iris your dh could be mine- he too didn't want to stop complete contact with HER , believed he could be "friends". Came to a couple of sessions of couples counsilling with me but at that atage it was pointless for he was still not being entirely honest and was still holding some wish to have a friendship with the OW.He simply could not see at that time how damaging that was to US- for him he'd stopped the physical relatinship so why did i have a problem with him being her friend?!!!after all i'd never had problems in the past when he had female friends! The difference here was I was introduced to and became something of a friend to his former female friends- this one was a complete mystery to me until I found out about the affair. At that time he could not see the problem......

He looks back now and cringes at how he set his mind, how he completely convinced himself what he was doing was ok.....I did have to hang on in there for him to come to his senses and for me he nearly left it too late......the turning point was when he put himself into counselling (I too was seeing someone- it was agreat safe release for me and helped me make decisions as to what I wanted out of it all)

We never did couples counselling again- instead he started to open up and talk. Like all your dh's at first he resented me trying to talk about it. He calimed it stopped us movng forward he couldn't see (until later) that in fact it was healthy to tharsh it all out in detail and that I needed to try and make some sense of it all and the only way to do that was to get all the pieces of the jigsaw.

Eventually we agreed to set aside time each week to talk openly about it- we tried to combine it with going out so that we had to control our emotions a bit in a public place. He agreed to talk openly about anything I asked in this time, I tried to stick to not talking about it too much out of this time. (With time we stopped talking about the affair and started talking about us and it became our time, a date again!)We still do it now.

Sorry iris if i sounded like you have to force someone to do counselling that is not what i meant at all.

Maturer says it all so much better than i do but i think we share a husband . They really do all follow the same script. The sooner these men realise we know what their moves will be the better. .

My h too now cringes at that time in his life. The only good thing i think we can both say is that it has made us really examine what we both want from now on and go for it too. We have 'dates' again too - and i really do not think we will ever get to that place again where we are just existing.

I am now so much stronger and happier and far less worried about what anyone things or doing the right thing.

There can be some good to come out of all this heartache and i wish you luck in finding it.

HW and Maturer - you're both pretty inspirational. It's great to hear positive stories about things working out. I hope I can join you.