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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm So Confused.......I so want to believe dh.

203 replies

stirlingmum · 18/02/2008 10:13

Dh and I have had a tought time lately. Last November he admitted to having an affair with someone from work. It had been going on for more than 6 months and got very serious by the sounds of things. He spent quite a few weeks not sure who he wanted to be with, which left me in a state of limbo as I just dont want to lose him. I love him, and there are 3 dc's involved. In the last few weeks we are making good, but slow progress I feel. He promised to cut her out of his life. Hard, I know because of their strong feelings for each other and because they work for the same company (although not closely so dont have to speak all the time). He has promised that they dont talk/text anymore but I know he does a good job of deleting texts that he doesnt want me to see but I found a text on Saturday that he had sent to her on 14th saying "I miss you too, Princess" - It was obviously an answer to one that she had sent and he had deleted. I am devasted again - I so wanted to believe that he wasn't going to contact her again. He is very sorry and says that he now knows that it is really me he wants - he just misses her!! I dont know what to think anymore - This rollercoaster is killing me!

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Original poster
stirlingmum · 19/02/2008 17:46

Iris - Yes, I started my letter to dh last night. After what Maturer said I am not sure if I will just write it and keep it or give it to him. I was so angry and upset last night that if I had finished it by the time he came home I probably would have given it to him but it wasn't finished.
I found that I went through the last 3 months pointing out the times that he has really upset me. Like when he told me on the phone that he was having an affair but when he agreed to finish with her he told me that he couldn't tell her on the phone, she deserved more!!

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scaredwife · 19/02/2008 17:57

How old are your dc stirlingmum?

Original poster
stirlingmum · 19/02/2008 18:00

They are 8, 6 and 3 (DS, & 2 DD's)

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CarGirl · 19/02/2008 18:06

at him telling you over the phone!

Ladies I hope you all progress onto being the happy confident women you deserve to be.

Original poster
stirlingmum · 19/02/2008 18:33

Thanks Cargirl - I am sure I will. Just hope it doesn't take too long. I keep wishing I could fast forward 12 months just to get away from NOW.

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Original poster
stirlingmum · 19/02/2008 18:37

Happywoman - Just re-read your last post. I was afraid of getting too upset with dh or pushing him because I thought he would go but dont feel like that anymore. If he goes then that is what he wants to do. If he stays then he will just have to put up with my strops and insecurity. He caused it.
I have just come back from school parents evening and ds (8) is going backwards with his spelling and writing. He is a very clever boy but he is very unenthusiastic at the moment. The dc's dont know about the problems but I know I have been very low and distant and worry that is effecting him. Will have a talk with him later

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HappyWoman · 19/02/2008 18:50

SM - you cannot damage the marriage anymore than he has already so dont feel guilty about needing to do what you feel at the moment.

I do hope he sees this is about you and not about 'punishing' him some more because that is what my h thought at first (as did the first counsellor we saw). I am sure that just as you have 'stuck by' him if he can stick by you now you will both be fine. It is a painful process but unfortunately one i do believe you have to go through.

Our new counsellor says at first you are just 'coping' and it takes a while for your emotions to fully kick in and that there are phases that need be gone through.

I think that for too long i tried so hard to push away my real feeling of anger and hatred and hurt. Eventually it just spilled out and we are now working through this together.

It does hurt my h to have to go over it again but that is all part of it for me too - i see his pain and it gives me hope that there really is a futrue for us.

Wishing you lots of luck but you know what you need to do and that if he cant handle it then he really is not worth investing any more of your emotions into.

Let us know how it goes - you can do this and whatever the outcome it will be better than where you are now, i am hoping he comes to his senses and starts giving you the 110% you deserve and need.

Original poster
stirlingmum · 19/02/2008 19:05

You are right HW you do just cope at first. The friend that I met today said that she has noticed that I am alot stronger now than I was 3 months ago. I think I am thinking a bit clearer now.
Thanks for the support x

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MrsMacaroon · 19/02/2008 19:29

Stirlingmum- I am sooo pleased to hear that you are allowing yourself to respond more honestly to his behaviour...he has to take responsibility for his actions and that will not properly happen while you're making the appointments for counselling etc (well done at putting that ball in his court!). He has alot of work to do. Keep focusing on yourself and your kids as much as possible (good luck with the chat with DC- hope he's ok). Kids do pick up on atmospheres but you cannot take on that responsibility solely either- he needs to work at regaining their trust also and try to work towards being a more solid part of the family unit, even if they don't know or understand what's going on. You are naturally going to be sad and withdrawn at this time- he should recognise this and put more effort into engaging and occupying the kids.
I knew that my parents had affairs just from snippets I overheard during their arguments...they stayed together but never put the effort into working through the pain and hurt. My father then became a chronic alcoholic for 20 years and threw it in my mum's face (she had an affair first- his was a revenge fling) at every drunken opportunity. I would rather they had split up to be honest but that was because neither of them were being honest/open enough and committed to the healing process. You seem to have more insight into what's happening/your feelings and no matter what happens, that will give you real strength. He's the weak one in this situation.

Original poster
stirlingmum · 19/02/2008 20:24

Thanks Mrs M - I am feeling stronger by the minute! x

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KatieJB · 19/02/2008 21:42

His behaviour remainas unacceptable. There needs to be a consequence to his actions, you have told him not to make contact yet you know they still communicate.. you must make him realise that he cannot do this. If this was me and my DH, i would expect him to look for another job, honestly i would, i would not be able to cope knowing that they even work in the same building. If the attempt to stay together is really going to happen then big big changes to his life must happen.
Do not accept that he has these feeling for her, he is a grown man and needs to either stay and be a good dad and husband or leave and take on the bint.

midwifecrisis · 19/02/2008 21:47

I agree with Mrs M - I think you are actually strong. The fact that you have tried to shield the kids from it (whereas he has had tantrums)also shows your strength.
It must be very difficult with 3 young dcs , though I expect in a way they keep you going too. Sorry to hear about your ds's reading etc. Kids are so sensitive. Even when you think you have concealed everything, they pick up on tiny nuances that an adult would probably miss. We can't shield them from everything and in a way, perhaps we shouldn't. Sorry your friends are not being as supportive as you deserve.

midwifecrisis · 19/02/2008 21:49

By the way, formerly scaredwife. Name changed cos I'm not scared - angry and sad perhaps but not scared.

Original poster
stirlingmum · 19/02/2008 22:28

Katie - He is actively looking for another job. It is a bit difficult because he wants to do the same sort of thing and, ultimately, he needs to be happy in his work. He has been for interviews though and has even spoken to his boss about changing role and has told him that his current role is causing us problems (we are in Scotland and he travels all over Europe with his base being in Hungary). Something will change in the near future, just hope it is for the best. It may mean a move but, you know, rightly or wrongly I see that as a fresh start. I know they can always communicate if they want to but he seems to really want a move too. If they do continue to contact each other then his decision is made!

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Original poster
stirlingmum · 19/02/2008 22:37

Midwife - Good to know that you aren't "scared" anymore. I feel the same as you, angry and sad. I do worry about the dc's. DS (oldest) is the only one that may realise there is a problem but I hope that it is only because of my sadness and not playing/talking to them as much as I used to. There was only one time he overheard us and that was right at the beginning (last Nov) when dh came home for the first time after telling me about the affair. I knew he had a company flat in Hungary but it suddenly struck me that she might be there as we spoke and he admitted that she had moved in 3/4 months earlier so she was there every time he was there and they were playing happy families. I did scream at him that night and ds heard but we told him that I was upset with dh for being away so much. He definitely hasn't heard any rows since then, we keep them quiet (and the house is quite big!)

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midwifecrisis · 19/02/2008 22:43

There are a lot of women around who are prepared to enter (even initiate) relationships with married men. Some hope to snare the man, others don't care and are quite happy to just have a no frills sexual relationship (as in the case of Dh's OW).

Original poster
stirlingmum · 19/02/2008 23:00

My dh's ow was married herself but in a bad marriage where her husband was screwing around and at first my dh was a shoulder to cry on and he thought he was just supporting her as a friend. He was talking to me at this point and would tell me about their conversations. I still felt secure at this point because I trusted him. One night he came home from Hungary and told me (in a truly shocked way) that this woman had offered herself to him. She said that she was open to a one night stand or something more it was up to him. This is about 18 months ago. He told her that he wasn't interested but I believe he started to see her differently then. When we discussed it I told him he must stop seeing her on her own and he agreed. But then he stopped talking about her as much as he had and when I asked about her he told me that they didn't talk anymore . It never entered my head that he had got past the shocked phase and entered the shagging phase!!!

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MrsMacaroon · 19/02/2008 23:57

oh god- that's horrible stirlingmum (re-how the affair started and her setting up home in Hungary)... i don't want to offend but he sounds very childish (in the way he has conducted himself). What's his family situation, his parents etc...?

midwifecrisis · 20/02/2008 02:29

That is horrible. Men's egos are so fragile. How would they like it if the boot was on the other foot? I am sorely tempted to show dh - not for revenge but for pure pleasure. After all, it's not as if I'm letting him anywhere near me after what he's done.

HappyWoman · 20/02/2008 07:32

Glad of the namechange - i was hurtwife for a long time and wanted to keep the HW.

My hs ow was married and actually left her children . I think she was looking for a way out whereas my h was just happy for a shag at first.

It did get serious but i think it was because he knew he would hurt me whatever and so carried on with his pleasure but never really deep down wanting to leave. It was the easy option when it all came out and he left and she was there to 'comfort' him.

He soon came to his senses when the reality kicked in. At first i thought he was just back for the kids but now i really do feel he has made so much effort for just us that i do believe he really wants us to go forward.

And we have had a couple of fabulous holidays just the two of us since (we live much more for today and spend the money rather than save for a rainy day - that rainy day has been and gone and money was no bloody use at all!!!!).

Original poster
stirlingmum · 20/02/2008 08:00

Hw - My hs ow had no children and she was definitely just looking for a way out (she is hungarian btw).
I am still at the point where I think dh is home because of the dc's. Maybe one day I will believe he is here for us/me.

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HappyWoman · 20/02/2008 08:16

stirlingmum - be kind to yourself in time you will know if it is for you too. It is difficult because i am not sure i would still have him if it wasnt for the children. It is complicated when their are children involved. However when it is just the 2 of us i feel i want to spend the rest of my life with him and i think he feels the same too so we really are suited and it is great, life just sometimes gets in the way.

Have a great day

midwifecrisis · 20/02/2008 11:22

I remember your thread happywoman. It's good to hear from women who have been through similar circumstances. I could never leave ds. However, if dh and I separate I would consider joint access (say dh having him 1-2 days a week). That way, they would get quality time together and I would have a life too. Does that sound selfish? I've been the full-time working mum, spending every spare second with ds and dh. I suppose I feel I deserve some time for me now. Ds shouldn't suffer for that I know - but I don't think he will as he idolises his dad and would probably prefer to be with him even more than that. It's just that I couldn't bear to be without him more for than 2 days.

Iris100 · 20/02/2008 13:16

I am feeling much more positive today. I wrote him a long letter setting out how I felt and what I needed to know and we had a really good talk last night and dh answered a lot of my questions. I was very strong and set out how I felt - I told him that I have moved on in the last week and I could now see myself being alone - that I would prefer that to being with someone who didn't know whether he wanted me or not. I think he realises that the power balance has shifted - I am nt so desperate to keep my family together that I will be treated badly.

Original poster
stirlingmum · 20/02/2008 13:56

Wow Iris, I gave dh my letter today (all 6 A4 pages). He has read it but we will probably talk later tonight. I have put the ball firmly in his court and told him that he MUST cut her out of his life, keep looking for another job and commit to me totally. He must arrange the counsellor sessions and I will attend. I have also told him that I have removed my wedding ring (first time since the day we married 14 1/2 yrs ago) and will only put it back on (or a new replacement) when I am sure we are back on track or have taken our vows again.
Alternatively, I told him, if staying with me isn't what he wants then we need to have a discussion about the kids, finances, house etc. He has said that he wants us to work but we will talk more later.
Be strong Iris x

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