I'm So Confused.......I so want to believe dh.

[stirlingmum]

Dh and I have had a tought time lately. Last November he admitted to having an affair with someone from work. It had been going on for more than 6 months and got very serious by the sounds of things. He spent quite a few weeks not sure who he wanted to be with, which left me in a state of limbo as I just dont want to lose him. I love him, and there are 3 dc's involved. In the last few weeks we are making good, but slow progress I feel. He promised to cut her out of his life. Hard, I know because of their strong feelings for each other and because they work for the same company (although not closely so dont have to speak all the time). He has promised that they dont talk/text anymore but I know he does a good job of deleting texts that he doesnt want me to see but I found a text on Saturday that he had sent to her on 14th saying "I miss you too, Princess" - It was obviously an answer to one that she had sent and he had deleted. I am devasted again - I so wanted to believe that he wasn't going to contact her again. He is very sorry and says that he now knows that it is really me he wants - he just misses her!! I dont know what to think anymore - This rollercoaster is killing me!

Stirling don't think it's easy getting my DH to talk - it isn't! It's a very gradual process. If I am angry he feels defensive and clams up. I have to create the space for him to feel 'safe' about telling me things - so I have realised I need to pick my times. I only try and talk now when I am feeling strong because the minute I get upset he clams up. Which is fine - he needs to know how I feel and see the hurt he has caused me, but in terms of moving forward it gets us nowhere. So I pick my moments. It's also better to talk away from home I have found - I have had offers of babysitting coming out of my ears from concerned friends, so there's a positive for you!

Hi HW, I hope you don't mind me jumping in on this one but, I just wanted to comment on what your old counsellor said about H being a good man who made a mistake. Don't you think by calling it a 'mistake' it is sort of giving him an excuse for what he did? Did she/he actually say that in front of H or was that during your own counselling session?
I think a one night stand can be counted as a mistake but, an affair that goes on for any length of time is perhaps best described as 'a good man making a very bad and damaging choice' after all, it is a conscious decision to keep seeing another person, it's intentional, it's not a mistake is it?

Sorry for the negativity but it did make me rather cross to read that the emphasis seems to be on you forgiving and forgetting, just getting over it and moving on. Easier said than done
Im glad you changed counsellor anyway and hope your new one is a little more constructive xx

Where do you go to talk iris? I have thought about going out to do it but the thought of talking in a pub when I might get upset isn't appealing.

Iris100 I read a book once that suggested when you need to talk to your partner about anything it's best done while out for a walk or even while he is driving, this is because he feels less under attack as he is not 'pinned down' so to speak. He will be more open if he is doing something else at the same time and yes, it does work. Direct talking only has one outcome in this house and that is DP heading directly out the door

We go out for a walk. We live near the sea so a walk along the cliffs is good. We have managed to talk in the pub but only a quite quiet one with nooks to hide away in. I have got upset before but noone notices. A country pub is good, where you have a drive there and then neither of you can really drink (and you won't see anyone you know). Time for me - dh and I have always talked in the car actually - I do miss the days when both kids would go to sleep for long periods on journeys because we would really catch up with each other then.

I think you need to be clear about whether you are going out to have a serious conversation or to try and have a nice time together - the two haven't been compatible for us recently! We had a couple of meals out that we finished in near silence because DH didn't want to talk about the affair and I wasn't prepared to talk about anything else!

I agree with you there Iris - If we are just having a night out I dont mention the affair because it is good to escape from it and just remember that we can be together and have a good time.
I am envious of you being near the sea. I have always wanted to live near the sea and love walks along the beach. It must be a good place to walk and talk.

Hi Stirling how are you today? It must be hard for you with your dh away again - is he is the city where the affair happened? Or does he travel all over?

I am feeling a bit down today - just a couple of things which have reminded me about what has happened and occasions when DH has lied to me. I am going to my counselling session tomorrow so I am hoping that will help. Having said that we had a good evening yesterday eating together and listening to music.

Are you finding it impossible to plan anything? We have more or less stopped seeing friends over the last few weeks which is starnge because we are normally quite sociable. We have planned a couple of holidays (one on our won!) but notjing for the summer as I feel strange about thinking that far ahead.

Hi Iris, It is harder when he is away because I imagine him and her talking or texting. He is back later today (problems with flights. He should have come home on Friday so that is better) and I will collect him from the airport at 5pm.
No, he hasn't been to Budapest this time although he does still have to visit and I find that hard because they usually talk in the office.
I know what you mean about feeling low all of a sudden. I was fine all of yesterday and then, last night, sat on my own, I started thinking about the length of the affair and I was thinking about the things that me and dh were doing when the affair was on. It makes me feel very sad and angry [angry).
I feel the same about planning. I find it impossible. If I think about the summer I just think "well, he might not be with us" so I am unsure what I should be planning.
I think that he feels the same because I found a lovely cottage in France (which is where we usually go) on the internet and showed it to him and he said nothing!
Well done you for planning a break without the dc's. I am going to go with dh on a business trip to Palma at the end of April (if we are talking at that point!). It should do us good.
Do your friends that you normally socialise with know that there is a problem? I just have one friend that I can talk to about this and she has been supportive and non-judgemental which has helped.
Hope you feel better soon. x

Just had a massive reality check.
I went to the doctors as concerned about pains in my chest. Also asked to be checked for std's as I have no idea what dh may have passed on to me. I was only thinking about chlamydia etc but the Doctor was telling me that hiv and hepatitis are rife in Eastern Europe and he persuaded me to be tested for these too!
I now have a few weeks of fear waiting for these results.
And to think I thought things couldn't get any worse

I have told three or four close friends who have been fantastic and really supportive. But I imagine they would not be hugely keen to spend a lot of time with us at the moment and I would feel as though there was an elephant in the room - two of my friends have spoken to both of us individually about what has been happening.

I know exactly what you mean about thinking of what you were doing together and it being tainted by what was going on. Quite simple things - like dh had let me have the car a couple of times and I had thought he was being kind and thoughtful. But he was planning on getting a lift with her and using it as an opportunity to spend time with her. On the positive side he is applying for another job. I find it very hard on the days when I know they are both at work (although he says he barely sees her).

I hope your DH will have had time to do some thinking while he is away and you have a good evening tonight.

Oh stirling - cross posted. What a worry for you. What did the doc say about the pains? I am sure he/she is just being ultra cautious but it just adds to the stress.

Pains are just caused by stress. Nothing to do with the heart apparently.
He wanted to give me anti-depressants but I didn't want to do that. I have got this far without medication I am sure I can see it through.
He has given me a questionnaire to fill in about my depressed state!! and then wants to see me again in a couple of weeks.
I think I just need to lie down in a dark room for a couple of weeks!

I think you're right to try and cope without anti-ds if you can. Do you have any support with the kids stirling? Can you have some time to do things to make you feel a bit more human - massage, haircut, browse in a bookshop, see a film, whatever would help you relax? One thing I have thought of doing is going away to stay with a friend on my own, leaving DH with the kids for a weekend. Just to clear my head and get a bit of space from it all.

I am afraid that I get no help with the kids - family live far away. I am getting a small amount of time to myself now as smallest dd is 3 and has 3 mornings a week at local school nursery. I do look forward to that time.
The closest friend I have happens to be h's sister. She now knows about the affair and is actually coming to see us this weekend to talk to her little brother. She lives 7 hrs drive away so we dont see her very often.
I dont think me going to stay with her would be good for a break. She will always side with h.
Feeling very low/sad/pissed off today.
The reality of the whole thing seems to be hitting hard.
Not even sure what I feel about h anymore.

Sorry - the above was me under another name....

Stirling how are you?

I have had a patchy week but feel that dh has moved on in the last few days and is actually realising how much I need to talk about what has happened. We have been getting on well for the last few days and I feel hopeful but I have faced the thought of being on my own now and I know I would cope. That knowledge has given me a lot of strength. I have started seeing a counsellor too and that seems to help too - just to have some time and space with someone neutral to talk.

I have actually seen the OW a couple of times - not in a situation where I could speak to her but if I get an opportunity I am going to talk to her. I don't want to have a go at her but want her to realise what her behaviour has done to me - that I am a real person not just a 'wife'. She is in a bad way - it's what she deserves though and feels fair in a 'karma' kind of way.

iris - try not to stoop to her level - you dont have to talk to her for her to know you are real. It may make her feel better to know your pain so dont give her that.

You know you are better than her anyway.

Hi Happy. I don't know, maybe it would be stooping to her level. But I see her around - I feel it would be better if I just said what I wanted to say to her. It would clear the air from my perspective.

Hi Iris - I know I would want to talk to other woman if I ever saw her, Even just to say "Hello, How are you?" just to freak her out!
Glad you feel you are moving in the right direction with your dh and that the Counselling is working.

I am not sure how I feel at the moment. Still feeling confused. Have reached the point you have about realising that I could go it alone, without dh. But that seems to have depressed me more. Actually find myself trying to think of his good points and not finding many. But then I am in a very negative state at the moment. Even the Doctor commented on that when I spoke to him last week.

Dh hasn't commented on my letter at all. I poured my heart out in it and he doesn't say anything at all. It is like he just thinks "if I carry on as normal, she wont mention it all again".

Sorry, I think that I need to give myself a kick up the backside and become a bit more positive.

Stirling am not surprised you are feeling negative if your dh has not responded to your letter. Are you still having counselling together? My dh has now said he realises that he has to talk to me - that it's nto fair on me to close down discussions (which is what he tries to do all the time). He is feeling bad and thinks that by not talking about it he can make things go away.

Am not sure whether the counselling is working - it's too early to say. Ideally I would like to do some couple stuff but as he won't do that I have to work on me. I certainly feel lighter after the sessions but they give me a lot to think about. I think the frightening thing is that I need to change - and that change may put further pressure on our relationship.

Our counselling has come to a grinding halt because I have told him that I will not organise the appointments anymore. He must do it so that I know it is what he wants.
And guess what - no more appointments have been made. And he will be away most of next week so there will be none then either

Maybe I need to go on my own. I shall have a think about it.

I know that I have changed also. I will probably change some more before this is through.

one of the things I realised when talking to my counsellor was that I never have space to talk about how I feel. A lot has happened to us in the past year and I have just been in support and coping mode. I think it can only be positive to look at your emotions a bit more deeply.

Hi stirling

You do sound very down. The thing is if you carry on like this it will suck the life out of you even more. Do you worry that he is just waiting for you to make the move so it is not his responsibility?

Once you know you can do it alone and feel that power he will either step up to the mark and do everything you need him to do to make it up to you or he will throw in the towel. Either way at least you will know for sure which way he wants it to go. Feeling as you do is the worst part of it all.

Hi HW
You are so right. It feels like my negative state is sucking the life out of me. I have trouble working up enough enthusiasm to do anything, apart from my keep-fit which I look forward to.
I am sure I will snap out of this soon. I just feel deep-down sad about the whole thing.
Even though dh hasn't talked about the letter his attitude has changed and he seems more positive about us/our future. He is more affectionate and is trying to be home more. He has even booked a week off for the Easter hols and I used to have to harrass him to take time off when the dc's were off.
I think my problem now is that I am questioning what I want. I am not sure anymore.
I know that, if we weren't married, and he asked me to marry him now, my answer would be no. But does this mean anything given our current problems?

It makes perfect sense, remeber this has been a shock for you and although your initial reaction was to fight and to win - you now have the luxury of being able to question what you really want. That is not a bad thing and you have every right to do that.

You are questioning how he could have done this to you if he really loved you - and how he can now just carry on and expect you to too.

Its like he has had the chance to see if the marriage is what he really wants and now he has done that you are expected to not wonder too. Thats what i think too.

You dont want to go and see if there is anything better out there because you thought you had already made your choice with your marriage vows.

Dont worry about questioning yourself it is normal and sorry if he cant handle it then he really be the loser in all this.

Men are so simple at times and i really do think that they should have to say their vows at least twice so they really understand what they mean. Maybe we should make them write it out a hundred times.

Also dont worry if you now think your marriage is dead - that relationship is now - it is whether you want to make a new one with him for the future now. you now have the control over this and you are probably not used to that power.

Good luck and keep us posted.