I’m 30, he’s 45…

[GraceL365]

I love my fiancé. We have a 1 year old son together. We have been together for 5 or so years. I had reservations about our age gap early on which we discussed but I really liked him so we carried on and fell in love.

However, since having our baby I am now more aware of his age and how old he will be at different stages in our sons life… I would also like another baby but I don’t know if I want to with him because I’m thinking about what is fair for the child. I’d ideally want to wait 4 or 5 years until I felt ready to have another but can’t with him because of his age so would probably have another before I wanted to do.

I’m really conflicted. I wish he was 10 years younger and we’d have a perfect life. I love my partner but I do look at him sometimes and think he looks old even now. I find myself looking at young couples when we’re out and feeling a bit jealous which makes me feel terrible for even thinking. I would never want to hurt him.

I don’t know if we should separate now because of the age issue or stay and we could enjoy another 20 years together where he would still be relatively young at 65. I’d be leaving an otherwise happy relationship. I’d have to move back in with my parents if we separated.

I’m scared about what impact us separating could have on our son if we did end things. I don’t know whether it would be better to stay together for this reason. But at the same time, I don’t want to be 60 with a 75 year old partner looking back and resenting the fact that I never met anyone else and had more children.

I do worry about the future and how his age will become more of a problem. I know illness etc. can strike at any age god forbid but in all likelihood I’m going to be widowed young and I know we won’t have that time of enjoying our retirement and growing old together.

My son is the best thing in my life and I wouldn’t change having him for anything but I do wish I’d had children with someone my own age.

I’d appreciate any advice or insights.

If you're already noticing how old he looks and thinking about separating from him now, it would not be very fair on him to have another child with him, would it?

He may well outlive you. I can think of several men who lived into their late 80s or 90s having been widowed for decades.
45 isn't exactly old. I can think of women who had babies at 45.

Give your head a wobble and reconsider your ageist attitude.

I will be a but blunt here but the "age issue" is not new - the age gap has always been there, you either chose to ignore it or are using is as a smoke screen for something else and making it an issue now

from what you're saying you basically want someone younger and you think that by the time he dies it will be too late

are you sure it's an otherwise happy relationship? happily married people dont think in categories of planning next relationship in the event of their spouse's death

For context - my husband and I have almost the same age gap (im 30, he's 44) so I understand concerns related to age and having children, just not the timing of those concerns

45 is not old to father a child!! Women birth babies at 45.. deeper issue here

That’s pretty debatable, sperm is of much poorer quality, which means higher chance of miscarriage for OP as well as disabilities for the baby.

The biggest factor for me though OP, is that I would not want to spend my life caring for and raising children, only to then have to care for my husband as his health starts to decline. Yes it could happen at any age, but it’s much more likely with age. I don’t want a life of servitude personally!

My dp's dd came along when he was 45 - she's 13 now and has been giving him a lot of hard work lately; he's feeling his age. Depends on the parent, but 45 is quite old to start.
If OP decided not to wait 5 years as she wants, just 1 year, then this guy would still be 47 by the time his second child arrived. And OP is already looking at younger men, thinking he looks old and contemplating leaving him now.

Yes, this. 45 or even 50 isn't ideal but it's hardly unusual. If you're seriously thinking of splitting up because you'd like your second child to have a younger father, that suggests there are issues with the relationship. That's fine- you're allowed to end a relationship for any reason you like- but be honest with yourself.

I would not advocate ending a good, happy relationship with all the disruption that would bring to your existing child, simply because another child (which you may or may not have) might conceivably be better off with a younger dad (whom you may or may not meet). The fact you'd even contemplate it suggests you don't feel you're in a good, happy relationship.

I think the real problem here is not his age, or an age at which he may have another child, or age at which his health may start failing

the real problem is that OP is looking at and would like a younger man now

I don't think you should end the relationship with the man you love and have had a child with for the potential that you may meet someone younger to have more children with. Think about the impact the separation will have on your existing child. Do you want to do this when there are no serious issues in your relationship?

Also you may not meet someone else. You already have a child and whilst this does not stop you from meeting someone, it does make things more difficult. Your new partner would need to be happy to become a step father and all that involves and your child would need to adjust to this relationship too.

the real problem is that OP is looking at and would like a younger man now
I agree. Having a second child with him would not be fair on him or the child as she's already regretting being with him. The likelihood of OP leaving him when the child is still young seems pretty high. The first child is already here - there's nothing to be done about that - but deliberately having a second child when this time you already know it's wobbly would be unfair on the dad and second child.

Your chance to have your "perfect" family with two young parents and two children has gone, that ship has sailed. The decision you are left with is whether to make the best of what you have or choose a different difficult path for yourself. Because you might not meet someone else if 4-5 years, what then? You're also looking at a potentially blended family if you do meet someone, and all the problems that brings. Not to mention potential custody battles. So I must admit I find it strange that you are thinking of ending a supposedly happy relationship where there is a child involved based on what might happen in the coming decades. Is it actually that happy or are there other things going on? Is it really just about him looking a bit older? Has he said he doesn't want another child in 4-5 years?

Also, worrying about what is going to happen when he is 65 is a waste of time. Anything could happen before then. Either one of you might not make it that far for a start. Life could look totally different and you could have completely different priorities by then. Focus on the immediate future not all the what ifs.

45 isn't very old to be a father. New dads generally seem a bit useless whatever age they are, when you are a new mum.

I always follow the advice to never make any rash decisions about your marriage while you have any children under the age of five.

I have a friend with a similar gap (12 years) who met her husband when she was early 30s . Another friend with a bigger gap, 23 years, who also met her husband when she was early thirties. The first friend has two dc now and they are very happily married. Her DH was in his fifties when their send dc was born. The second friend already had children from a previous relationship. She is also very happily married.
There isn’t all that much difference between 35 and 45 really, so it seems to me more that you have fallen out of love, or you are a bit bored in the relationship. The friends I mentioned above have both married interesting and kind men with whom they have a lot in common. Do you have fun with your DH ?

Honestly you should have thought about this before getting pregnant. You leaving your fiancé now means your son will spend half of his childhood away from you (assuming you would do the 50/50 split) and then you would want to have another sibling in 4/5 years who your son will be intensely jealous of because this sibling lives with both parents in a family unit that he dips in and out of. You love your fiancé. Stick with him and if you want another kid have one in a year or so so that he’s not a 50yo dad of a newborn

You made the very conscious choice to have a child with a man 15 years older than you, but now you are seriously considering breaking up a your happy family because he's too "old" and you might have to be his carer someday? This is all about you, you, you. Maybe you should have thought about all of this before you dragged a child into it. Fucking hell, selfishness knows no bounds.

He's not a ride at a fair that you can just hop off because you fancy a look round to see if you'd prefer another one. You've made some fairly weighty decisions with all the information in hand, unless there's something else to report which makes the relationship untenanable?

Arguably the age gap will become less of an issue as you age, although it's never going to go away. There's no way of knowing you're going to be widowed early, you could go under a bus at 50, he might be powering on into his nineties with all his marbles.

I've also got some new for you, in that you're also ageing. Yes you're thirty now, but give it fifteen years and your bits and bobs won't be where they are now and you'll look at yourself in the mirror and feel like a crumpled paper bag. It's coming to each and every one of us, including you.... by which time your younger man may have some feelings of his own about his ageing wife? Think about it.

I don't understand you. I love my partner and would not care if he was 20 years older than me or 20 years older. He treats me so well and I can be myself around him - that is priceless and I would choose one more day with him than 20 years with another. I am not sure how much you really like your partner.
Age is not an issue - my 75 year old mother is fitter than me and often looks after my sister's three children under 5 so my sister can go on holiday with her hubby! My Uncle had his two children with his new wife when he was early 60s. He had his 80th birthday recently and he doesn't look any older than he did in his 60s as children and a young wife keep you young! You knew your husband was 15 years older than you when you met him. Have you fallen out of love with him?

This is eerily similar to a thread I posted years ago, so much so it genuinely felt like you might have seen it and copied and pasted from it! My (now) husband is 15 years older than me, which I knew and accepted, had a child with him and then it all unravelled in my mind. I questioned absolutely everything, became consumed about my future and what it would look like, I had a near breakdown and couldn't even look at him without getting totally and utterly overwhelmed and upset for a while. It completely shook us and was a horrible time and I feel so guilty about it now.

Obviously I said now husband, so we did stay together. My entire family stepped in and although they would of supported me if I left, they all were so upset and worried I was going to throw away my partner and child's dad because of anxiety. It's not to say some of that anxiety might not be justified, there are factors that play a part in age gap relationships and they aren't all rosey. But no relationship is. I stayed because I loved him. More importantly, he forgave me for putting him through a truly awful few months for no real reason. Other posters are right, and we're with me too. You knew the age gap from the get go. You accepted that when you started the relationship, you accept that whilst you continue the relationship and you accepted that when you had a child with him.

We've since married, had another child. And we are happy. Sometimes I worry about the future, but we aren't guaranteed it with anyone. I had 3 friends who all had their first babies the same time as me, but all with same age partners and 2 are now single mums, with the dads being absolutely useless, barely seeing their kids and fighting about paying anything towards them. The other one is still with the dad but complains that she has to practically parent him too and he does nothing around the house or with their son. Of course I'm not saying all young dads are bad, I'm saying that a same age partner doesn't guarantee a good life. If you're lucky enough to have a good life with someone don't throw it away in the hopes of something better with someone younger unless you are truly unhappy.

At the end of the day, there are no guarantees in life. If we spend the rest of his life together and I get widowed whilst still relatively young, I can atleast look back and think I had a happy marriage for 20+ years, with a partner who treated me like an equal, was a brilliant dad and made me happy. A lot of people with same age partners can't say that. A lot of people would kill for that.

If the age gap gets too big one day and we end up splitting, then I can at-least say it was truly good while it lasted and I got my beautiful children from it and I gave them a good father, there's nothing to regret.

I could of left him during my breakdown, met someone my own age who could not make me as happy, or get hit by a car and leave me widowed young despite being the same age, or who gets into an accident and ends up needing care despite being the same age, or who cheats on me. Of course that is a lot of hypotheticals but it helped me rationalise a bit. If you really aren't happy it is a different situation, but don't leave out of fear. This is the father of your son and if you have a chance at a happy family unit I'd focus on that and not the future. I know my children are thriving in a happy, healthy family home and I'm glad everyday that I didn't run away.

Jeez I should probably book myself into a care home. 45 isn't old and I find it insulting as an active 45 year to be told it is.

You're issues go way beyond his age.

*your isssues

To give some context, this last year has been really really difficult. He has had a lot of stress with work and doing stupid hours so we hardly see each other. I’ve essentially been a single parent. He is irritable and snappy because of work and the sleep deprivation obviously hasn’t helped. He is also on the sofa as our son isn’t and never has slept well.

We also live in an area I hate (I moved here to be with him) away from my family so that is a big cause of resentment and I feel a strong pull to go back home.

Obviously the above has had a massive influence on how I’m feeling but his age always has and does concern me. I think I try to put it out of my mind but it is always there.

There is also one more thing to consider - there won't be a line of young, single men waiting to settle down and have a baby in the next 5 years with a divorced, single mother in her 30s.

Of course, finding someone after the relationship breaks down in this scenario is perfectly possible, but if you think you will be like those young and free couples you envy then sorry, you won't. As someone has mentioned - that ship has sailed.

That's a bit different to "an otherwise happy relationship" but it does explain why you're thinking of leaving him.
The pp above who said not to make big decisions in the early years was also right, though. You're both knackered now.
Maybe give it another 6 months or a year and see how it looks then? You don't have to decide now. I'd watch out for contraception in that time though.

none of it has anything to do with his age - you're resentful because he's stressed, mean, does not help with the baby l, you grew apart and you live far from family. These are legitimate issues in the relationship - and ones you can try and solve, unlike his age

unless, of course, you have already decided to leave him and thats why you have narrowed down on one thing neither of you can change

So why not move? Is he open to the suggestion? I think you need a support network, it’s no wonder you’re feeling down about your relationship when your parenting pretty much single handed, are lonely and don’t even see much of him! Things need to change and he needs to care about your happiness too.