I’m 30, he’s 45…

[GraceL365]

I love my fiancé. We have a 1 year old son together. We have been together for 5 or so years. I had reservations about our age gap early on which we discussed but I really liked him so we carried on and fell in love.

However, since having our baby I am now more aware of his age and how old he will be at different stages in our sons life… I would also like another baby but I don’t know if I want to with him because I’m thinking about what is fair for the child. I’d ideally want to wait 4 or 5 years until I felt ready to have another but can’t with him because of his age so would probably have another before I wanted to do.

I’m really conflicted. I wish he was 10 years younger and we’d have a perfect life. I love my partner but I do look at him sometimes and think he looks old even now. I find myself looking at young couples when we’re out and feeling a bit jealous which makes me feel terrible for even thinking. I would never want to hurt him.

I don’t know if we should separate now because of the age issue or stay and we could enjoy another 20 years together where he would still be relatively young at 65. I’d be leaving an otherwise happy relationship. I’d have to move back in with my parents if we separated.

I’m scared about what impact us separating could have on our son if we did end things. I don’t know whether it would be better to stay together for this reason. But at the same time, I don’t want to be 60 with a 75 year old partner looking back and resenting the fact that I never met anyone else and had more children.

I do worry about the future and how his age will become more of a problem. I know illness etc. can strike at any age god forbid but in all likelihood I’m going to be widowed young and I know we won’t have that time of enjoying our retirement and growing old together.

My son is the best thing in my life and I wouldn’t change having him for anything but I do wish I’d had children with someone my own age.

I’d appreciate any advice or insights.

I'm in agreement with the posters saying things like there's no guarantee that a partner your own age is going to be "better" in any regard, and that what matters most is a loving and healthy relationship, rather than age in itself (within reason of course, as in, legal ages!). Also that life offers no guarantees at all, and a younger partner could develop a terminal disease or get hit by a bus at any time, whereas your current partner might thrive into his 90s.

All of that being said, I think people are being harsh in some comments. You are allowed to question things. You are allowed to wonder about the future and to feel anxious about your decisions. It's not immoral or evil to do that. Some people are acting like you've already had a string of affairs with young, dashing lads behind your old hubby's back. You're a new mum, and hormones and emotions are flying all over the place right now. Sleep deprivation and stress, along with the other relationship tensions you've mentioned, will be affecting this too.

I just wanted to say really that you're not some monster for questioning what you want to do now. It's not immoral to think freely and to want to talk issues through. You haven't done anything wrong and you don't have to be "pure in thought" as if any thoughts that this relationship might not be right for you are akin to unfaithfulness. I hope you can work this through and come to a point where you feel at peace with whatever decision you make. There is no objective right and wrong.

Your partner, at the age of 40, chose to involve himself with a 25 year old. At that age he should have had enough life experience and maturity to see how that could pan out. You, not so much. My point, make the decisions that are right for you without guilt or obligation to him. He chose to pursue youth for his last hoorah before middle age caught up. If there's a price for that, you shouldn't be the one to pay it.

@SaulSobieski , You strongly disagree that At 25 people are adults, mature, fully developed adults and they need to act like adults?
In MN-speak, Wow! Just wow.

100%.

In my experience, men of about 40 who are single are looking for a wife and have a checklist. They want a wife and then children They're looking to settle.

Same goes for divorced/out of a LTR relationship on OLD, but if they already have DC, they won't want any more.

Maybe i'm just cynical.

@FayCarew im surprised you all think 25 should be given leeway like teenagers

what is your experience about nearly 30yo women deciding to have children and then having doubts within a year?

Its not a case of treating 25 year old women as teenagers. It's looking at a relationship that's failing and understanding that one party within that should have had a lot more foresight about the pitfalls than the other. A 25 year old has no experience of aging and no idea what 40+ feels like. A 40 year old on the other hand knows this very well. Any middle aged man entering a relationship with 25 year old and presenting himself as capable of the energy and motivation to meet her needs for the next 30 years, is either lying to himself or to her.

Again, I disagree. Especially since even the OP herself admitted she has had her doubts and chose to ignore them.

Even from my own, personal experience - I think you'd need a really immature person, regardless of their age, to not realise that people do age and that aging when you're mid-20s is different to aging when you're middle aged

Besides, in this scenario we are talking about situation where years have passed between beginning of the relationship and the decision to have a child. At this point this was a nearly 30yo woman who, again, already had her doubts yet decided to go ahead, start a family with this man and is now blaming his age, while majority of issues are really not age related

Imagine a reverse situation - a man in his 20s decides to get in a relationship, decides to have children after couple of years and then starts moaning that his partner gained weight after pregnancy and it was a bad idea, he should have waited and he envies couples with better looking women in them...

You can't change his age, but you can change the other issues, which are bigger problems IMO.

I think you need to have an honest discussion with him about relocating (to be closer to your family) and about his work - you say he's stressed and working long hours, he has a poor work/life balance which impacts on his wellbeing and his family time. I would ask him if he wants to continue working in that way or wants to try and make changes. If he refuses to make any changes then my advice is to move to live closer to your family, with or without him.

Having a baby is hard enough when you have a partner who's around and family nearby to help. I'm not surprised you're doubting things. But I think you're focusing on the wrong issue.

I don't need to imagine the scenario you mention, men do this all the time. They also leave women who they think are too old if they think they've a chance with a younger one.
As for the OPs problems not being age related, when she says if he was ten years younger their life would be 'perfect'; that she's jealous of people with same age (not better looking or thinner, like in your reverse, just same age!) partners; and when the man can no longer handle stress and long hours as a young man might, without resorting to sleeping on the sofa, what else could they be related to?

judging by cases I know and some other posts on this forum - it sounds like she is misplacing the issue

a lot of couples struggle with stress and sleepless nights when babies are born, there are young men who left their partners because they couldn't handle the stress of having a baby and working...and 45 is way to young to be this affected. There is no guarantee he'd be any different at 10 years younger - he may have been exactly the same...or he may have had more energy and go on his merry way to a pub after work each day to avoid crying baby and still sleep at the sofa

And if it is, that too would not have been sudden - she met him when he was already in his 40s, he was no spring chicken back then

And btw, she is not handling this stress too well either - and while understandable, it's unlikely to be related to her age (although Im sure someone will say she is somehow too young to be a mother, if you excuse mt sarcasm).

@PaintedEgg I take your point. However, in this case, on top of all the stresses and strains that might also be faced by a couple the same age, this situation brings the added pressure of the OPs discontentment with his age now, and her very valid concerns about their future.
The OP should not have ignored her doubts, I agree. But what tends to happen in these situations is that the older man's initial representation of himself as still youthful, fit and vibrant, tends to be a far cry from the reality once the younger woman accepts him.
Anyway, who's to blame for the situation probably matters less than how its resolved. If the OP feels this way when he's 45 I guarantee she won't have changed her mind when he's 55. As you say, 45 shouldnt make his age so apparant, and if it is, there's little cause for optimism for the next decade.
The OP is still a young woman and shouldn't feel she needs to sacrifice what's left of her relative youth on a man who has already had his, and I stand by it, should have known better.

@5128gap but it's still an awful thing to do to get with someone knowing their age, have a child with them and the discard them like trash and take their child away from them because you decided they are not fit enough for you. It's awful when men do it, it's awful when women do it.

Saying "he should have known" is like telling a new mother "you should have known your fit bloke will leave you when you'll gain weight after falling pregnant".

Sure, if she does not love him and wants to leave then she should - but placing blame on him for having a child with 29yo woman and saying "he should have known better" is simply not fair.

SHE should have known better, she was the one bothered by the age gap

@PaintedEgg , Where exactly did I say I think 25 should be given leeway like teenagers?
what is your experience about nearly 30yo women deciding to have children and then having doubts within a year?
not sure I understand that sentence.

You've been very critical of men around 40 based on your experience, but you keep giving excuses for a woman who was pushing 30 when she decided to have a baby with her partner, despite apparently having serious doubts, and a year in decided that she does not like him after all and would like someone younger

basically placing all blame on the man because he assumed an adult woman is an autonomous person capable of making her own, responsible decision rather than treat her like an immature child

is that what he should have done?

someone earlier asked why this man didn't date someone in his own peer group - at certain age peer groups are no longer limited to people you could have gone to school with. Is it really so odd to people that people with 10+ years difference could be within the same friends circle?

@PaintedEgg , if that is directed at me, I haven't been "very critical of men around 40 based on your experience".

I haven't been "you keep giving excuses for a woman who was pushing 30 when she decided to have a baby with her partner, despite apparently having serious doubts"

I don't know why you twist my words into things I didn't post or mean.

@PaintedEgg ,

In my experience, men of about 40 who are single are looking for a wife and have a checklist. They want a wife and then children They're looking to settle.

Same goes for divorced/out of a LTR relationship on OLD, but if they already have DC, they won't want any more.

is hardly critical.

apologies - I understood this as an extension of an earlier argument that a man in his 40s should have know how this would end...especially given this post "wow, just wow"

@PaintedEgg , apology accepted.
I got the impression that OP, if she left her DP, would be looking to 'settle' for a father for her next child, but she lost me at being 'in love' and 'think he looks old even now'.

Saying "he should have known" is like telling a new mother "you should have known your fit bloke will leave you when you'll gain weight after falling pregnant"

Not unless the mother is 15 years older than the father FFS.

discard them like trash and take their child away from them

Ending a relationship is not "discarding someone like trash" and she wouldn't take his child away from him; he'd get at least 50-50 - which is more than most men want or can be arsed with.

The hyperbole lol.

"Take his child away from him!!". You should write drama.

basically placing all blame on the man because he assumed an adult woman is an autonomous person capable of making her own, responsible decision rather than treat her like an immature child

Acknowledging that he's a decade and a half olde than her and hitting early middle age while she's only 30 is not treating her like an immature child.

When Ive saud this throughout this thread, several.postses have gone off on tangents a out how mature and responsible a 25 yr old can be and how there full adults and blah blah blah ...... Maybe they are, but they're not fucking 40!! A relationship between a 25 yr old and a 40 yr old is not and can never be an equal relationship in terms of life experience and adult maturity. What is so difficult to process about that.

In any case, she has the right to end the relationship at any point over anything she wants.

And I reiterate; he should have known better re the she gap panning out. He has less excuse than her. And as I said; 45 is when even people who are aging well often really begin show signs of aging; it would be understandable if a 15 yes younger person stopped fancying them in the same way.

(Or really became aware of them aging).