I’m 30, he’s 45…

[GraceL365]

I love my fiancé. We have a 1 year old son together. We have been together for 5 or so years. I had reservations about our age gap early on which we discussed but I really liked him so we carried on and fell in love.

However, since having our baby I am now more aware of his age and how old he will be at different stages in our sons life… I would also like another baby but I don’t know if I want to with him because I’m thinking about what is fair for the child. I’d ideally want to wait 4 or 5 years until I felt ready to have another but can’t with him because of his age so would probably have another before I wanted to do.

I’m really conflicted. I wish he was 10 years younger and we’d have a perfect life. I love my partner but I do look at him sometimes and think he looks old even now. I find myself looking at young couples when we’re out and feeling a bit jealous which makes me feel terrible for even thinking. I would never want to hurt him.

I don’t know if we should separate now because of the age issue or stay and we could enjoy another 20 years together where he would still be relatively young at 65. I’d be leaving an otherwise happy relationship. I’d have to move back in with my parents if we separated.

I’m scared about what impact us separating could have on our son if we did end things. I don’t know whether it would be better to stay together for this reason. But at the same time, I don’t want to be 60 with a 75 year old partner looking back and resenting the fact that I never met anyone else and had more children.

I do worry about the future and how his age will become more of a problem. I know illness etc. can strike at any age god forbid but in all likelihood I’m going to be widowed young and I know we won’t have that time of enjoying our retirement and growing old together.

My son is the best thing in my life and I wouldn’t change having him for anything but I do wish I’d had children with someone my own age.

I’d appreciate any advice or insights.

I would look at it that way : when he is 65 , you will be 50 and might have a breast cancer or something because noone can predict the future.

If you love the man, get married first, then have the second - if you get pregnant now, immediately. The two kids will grow up close in age and as many people said, he might outlive you.

I knew someone who was 11 years older than his wife, she died from breast cancer when she was 59 and I think he is still alive and it has been years and years, he is now perhaps 90.

My dad is 12 years older than my mum. She died at 76 eight years ago and he is still going strong at 97 next birthday.

You have bigger issues than age going on here and you sound quite entitled tbf.

This is what you both decided on behalf of your child. So suck it up.

Yes. I said earlier he should have known better, and I stand by it.
No 40 year old man, unless he is very naive or totally deluded, can really imagine he is the ideal partner for a 25 year old woman. Even if he's still got something about him at 40, it's fairly obvious that in the next decade or two he's going to be in a very different place to her physically, and that she's going to have to drop back to his pace, compromising on the life she could otherwise have had.
You get all the stories on here of 50+ men fitter than 25 year old ones, but they're certainly not the norm. You also get women who are happy to live at a pace to accommodate an older partner. But again, not the norm.
The point is, none of that's a secret. He would have known that. But either in his arrogance imagined himself the exception, or more likely didn't give two thoughts to the impact on a young woman's life, as long as he got to have one. So here he is. Reaping what he's sown.

@PaintedEgg , read it again.
@SaulSobieski , said that she strongly disagreed with "At 25 people are adults, mature, fully developed adults and they need to act like adults"

The 'Wow! Just wow'. was at the thought that someone could disagree with "At 25 people are adults, mature, fully developed adults and they need to act like adults."

I dislike the 'Wow! Just wow' reply, which is why I prefaced it with the 'In MN-speak', but in that context it fitted the bill.

You either love him or don’t. We have an 18 year age gap and we had our youngest when he was 50. It’s never really made a difference to us and we live our lives very happily.

The only time it’s been ‘anything’ was I’d have liked another child but he felt that he didn’t, partly because of his age, partly financial reasons and also because we are both knackered!

Surely his age can’t be the only reason you’re looking at other couples? Perhaps you’re feeling knackered with a young one and other ‘younger’ couple look bursting with energy (if they’ve got kids they aren’t!). Perhaps it’s the seven year itch?! I’d say stop looking at his age and look at the person - you could find a new younger partner and one of you could still die in 20 years time leaving the other alone - enjoy life!

You either don't love him or you're both going through a challenging time and the shine has worn off - not surprising since you have not been parents for long. I find your reasoning quite shallow. You have created a family and you should be making more of a go of it, in my opinion.

Do you want your child to have separated parents just because you worry what your partner will be like at 65? Most 65 year old men are fit and active and not being cared for by their wives. I know because I'm not far off that age and know plenty of couples around that age and older. Not one needs caring for. Most are still working and some still have children under 20, us included. Your views are very ageist, I would say.

One of my friends' husband is 12 years her senior - they married when she was late 20s, him around 40. He retired early in his 50s and was at home for their two boys, while she returned to full time work. Since she retired they have travelled often, all over the world. He is mid 70s now and still going strong. You can't assume anything.

If the relationship isn't working then either fix it together or split up, but not in the hope of finding another younger partner just for the sake of it.

When our youngest is 20 my DH will be 69! We are still going strong. Yes, sometimes in life shit happens. People get ill, people have accidents.

Put it this way, you could ditch him and go for a younger model and that person could become ill or die before their time, or rather before you expect. Out of the frying pan and into the fire you go. Your DH could be fit and healthy for another 40 years or more!

Do you love him? Is he a great Dad? Do you have fun? Is he reliable and solvent? Will he provide for his children? All more important than age imo. Are you sure there aren't other problems that you are just attributing to the age gap?

@SaulSobieski OP already said she would be moving closer to family, it's not an exaggeration that he would become a weekend dad at best, have you even read her posts?

I am talking from a perspective of someone in a very similar situation when it comes to ages - I began dating my husband when I was 27 and he's 14 years older. I have never felt (or had reason to think) my life experience was "unequal" to his. maybe I just had very busy early 20s :) I seriously cannot imagine what is it that you think happens in a head of someone at 25 - especially since clearly even OP had enough foresight to imagine potential issues and decided to ignore them.

If you are right and OP was being immature then age has not changed that - she still is. Especially since, as a lot of people pointed out, OPs relationship problems are not age related. The only one that is is related to age is how this man looks - which Im sure her appearance too has changed after a year of sleep deprivation. If she doesn't love him or they are one of many couples who drift apart to separate beds after having a baby then it's a shame and they should break up, but it's not fault of his age. If she focuses on age in few years time she will be looking for another good excuse to leave baby daddy #2.

Finally, I know few people who were genuinely immature even in their mid to late 20s. They never changed - they got to their mid 30s and older and still make decisions they regret and never accept full responsibility. So it wasn't their age or lack of experience - but their attitude.

Get it now, I wasn't sure which part of the cited comment the wow referred too, sorry again :)

@5128gap genuine question - what sort of activities do you imagine people undertaking, what sort of "pace of life"?

I know people generally slow down with age, but I'm afraid it it a bit of a wishful thinking that most people in their 30s have lives so full and exciting that there is no way for someone older to keep up...especially when young children are involved.

I don't have to imagine. I've been a 30 something with young children and now I'm mid 50s. I know what I and my peer group were like then compared to now.
Yes children slow your pace, but we still took then camping, lugged equipment for miles up hills, slept on the damp ground for a week, taught them to surf. On our rare nights out we'd be up till 2am and wouldn't need a day to recover.
We could lift and carry without aches and pains, we renovated a house. Sexual appetite and abilities were in sync and no one needed to be asleep on the sofa at 8pm every night.
I'm fit as a fiddle, luckier health wise than most of the same age people I know, and my female friends are without exception in better shape than their male partners, but even without small children, there would be little appetite for the activities of our 30s, even if there was the physical capability.
Plus the restrictions of children don't last forever. I'm able to live at a pace of my choosing now, and there's no way I'd want that to be that of a 70 year old man.
The OP has also been honest in that she prefers the physical appearance of same age partners. Which I'm sure her H can empathise with, given he took that to another level entirely with his choice to go 15 years younger.
But for a woman, that's shallow, isn't it? So we maintain the polite fiction that men of 35 are no different from men of 50, and 55 is the same as 70 if you're 'young at heart', so men can continue to enjoy the benefits of much younger partners.

@5128gap I don't think everyone is as active as you were or even are now! :) My parents are mid 50s and love hiking / camping. At the same time you could not pay me to climb a mountain - they do it for free

My social group always included an age span of 20 maybe 30 years (I genuinely don't know how old everyone is) and there are people who are very active well into their 50s and some that are not active at all before they hit 30.

Even right now my husband would be more likely to party into the night and sleep on a ground. I am creature of comfort and has always been 😅

@PaintedEgg , apology accepted again. Sorry to have laboured the point a bit.
I can think of happy families where the father is over 12 years older than the mother, but I'd advise anyone getting into such a relationship to consider it carefully, especially if the woman was the older of the two (maturity, ageism etc).

Agree - but this applies to any sort of difference. Age, wealth, social status, education - even lifestyle!

Using what the previous poster included as an example, you can have two people of exactly the same age and physical fitness, but if one of them likes going off grid and the other hates even forest walks then they will probably need to consider how they are going to spend holidays before it becomes an issue.

And most importantly - if people have doubts then they should carefully consider those before having children.

^
I agree. I'd add health, 'the in-laws', emotional maturity, existing children, previous relationships, religion, race and intellect to that list.

** race because of racism and experience of, and that which the children might receive etc

poppettypop · Yesterday 21:22
My dad is 12 years older than my mum. She died at 76 eight years ago and he is still going strong at 97 next birthday.

You have bigger issues than age going on here and you sound quite entitled tbf.

yes, funny who authorises people to think they will outlive their partner, will have a second pregnancy in lol, exactly 5 years and it will be with a younger that the current guy. What the heck people have instead of brains

Well you already have a child so the ship has sailed?
Dh and I have a similar age gap. What is important in this type of relationship is:
are you compatible (personality wise)
is he a healthy fit person (not one of those that sits all day and doesn’t look after himself)
is he energetic

dh and I have been together for 24 years and still love each other, but he is all the above. Otherwise don’t think it would work.

The OP has also been honest in that she prefers the physical appearance of same age partners. Which I'm sure her H can empathise with, given he took that to another level entirely with his choice to go 15 years younger.

Lol, nailed it.

@SaulSobieski shame OP is no longer in league with equally shallow people her age :P

Well you already have a child so the ship has sailed?

What ship.

People leave relationships with one or more child every day of the week.

You should have thought more about this before having kids with him. What do you think it will be like in another ten years.