I’m 30, he’s 45…

[GraceL365]

I love my fiancé. We have a 1 year old son together. We have been together for 5 or so years. I had reservations about our age gap early on which we discussed but I really liked him so we carried on and fell in love.

However, since having our baby I am now more aware of his age and how old he will be at different stages in our sons life… I would also like another baby but I don’t know if I want to with him because I’m thinking about what is fair for the child. I’d ideally want to wait 4 or 5 years until I felt ready to have another but can’t with him because of his age so would probably have another before I wanted to do.

I’m really conflicted. I wish he was 10 years younger and we’d have a perfect life. I love my partner but I do look at him sometimes and think he looks old even now. I find myself looking at young couples when we’re out and feeling a bit jealous which makes me feel terrible for even thinking. I would never want to hurt him.

I don’t know if we should separate now because of the age issue or stay and we could enjoy another 20 years together where he would still be relatively young at 65. I’d be leaving an otherwise happy relationship. I’d have to move back in with my parents if we separated.

I’m scared about what impact us separating could have on our son if we did end things. I don’t know whether it would be better to stay together for this reason. But at the same time, I don’t want to be 60 with a 75 year old partner looking back and resenting the fact that I never met anyone else and had more children.

I do worry about the future and how his age will become more of a problem. I know illness etc. can strike at any age god forbid but in all likelihood I’m going to be widowed young and I know we won’t have that time of enjoying our retirement and growing old together.

My son is the best thing in my life and I wouldn’t change having him for anything but I do wish I’d had children with someone my own age.

I’d appreciate any advice or insights.

Op, you were only 25 (?) when you got together and your brain was (according to latest research) barely fully mature when you got involved. Since then, as an increasingly mature adult, you are recognising abd having reservations about the relationship. At 40 and 15 years older; he should have known better. It was verging on creepy/exploitative to get involved with you.

The posters now bashing you for realising - now you're a proper adult and parent - the issues that you were previously too young, clueless, immature and inexperienced to realise; are just being c*nts.

There is a big difference between 25 and 30 or 35. As I got older I noticed it, even just listening (being forced to listen) to people of different age brackets on the train. Anyone who thinks 25 is the same as 30 or 35 or 40 is in cloud cuckoo land.

He should have known better, you shouldn't have known better.

You are still young. You can get out of you choose to, coparebt to the best of your ability, and try to meet another partner. You may meet someone in good time, you may not; that's the gamble.

I am actually shallow like a rain puddle when it comes to partner's looks (only a slight exaggeration for comedic purposes) so I'd get that...but he probably does not look that much different to how he looked 5 years before or even a year before when their baby was born.

However, people do start to look uglier as we start to dislike them more and I think OP has a good list of reasons to be upset with her partner - his age being the least of them

I think you are being ridiculous about the age thing. Stop kidding yourself you're doing him a favour by initiating a break up.

Sounds like a pretty typical adjustment to having a baby, tiredness, stress etc. makes you look at your partner differently.

@SaulSobieski while I agree that there is a big difference between being 25 and 30, at what age can we expect people to be held accountable for their decisions?

Sorry PaintedEgg re the denial comment; I thought you were another poster.

Not when a man who was 15 when they were born got involved with him and had a baby with them; he should have had more sense.

She was too young and immature, as 25 yr olds often are, to see things she sees now.

I would not be one bit fucking happy if my dd got into a serious relationship with a 49 year old man at 25. I'd desperately try to get her out of it before she married or had a child with him as would her Dad.

*40

but he probably does not look that much different to how he looked 5 years before or even a year before when their baby was born

For the sake of argument I think 45 is when many people really start to show signs of aging. The lucky ones can still look in their 30s at 40, but by 45 that's often not the case.

I disagree - she was nearly her current age when they had a baby, he didn't trap her and they were both adults

For context - I was 27 when I got with my husband who is 14 years older and I genuinely find it odd that you see it as creepy or the infantilisation of adult women. the capacity to make adult decision does not depend upon age of the partner

Ah.

Well your take on it is clear.

Again, not really commenting on op’s situation, more a response to the outraged comments about her being ageist.

I absolutely agree that disliking someone turns them ugly in our eyes.

@SaulSobieski I sense a little sarcasm here :P

but my take is clear because all these issues discussed here I thought about before I began dating, living with, married, got a mortgage and got pregnant by someone older than me. That's why I don't buy the "too young" excuse - I think it is very reasonable to expect people at 25 to think a bit ahead of their current situation.

Not to mention that I genuinely don't experience this age difference as much as you imply I should.

You knew how old this man was when you got involved with him and had a child with him but now you think he is too old? sigh.

Op, you were only 25 (?) when you got together and your brain was (according to latest research) barely fully mature when you got involved. Since then, as an increasingly mature adult, you are recognising abd having reservations about the relationship. At 40 and 15 years older; he should have known better. It was verging on creepy/exploitative to get involved with you.

😅 Stop infantilising an actual grown woman of 25 years old. Barely fully mature?! This is so embarrassing. Twenty five very much an adult.

I think you’re confused. Isn’t it that your brain IS fully developed at twenty five years old? So that’s a bit of a silly point.

@SaulSobieski so to recap:

• a 25 year old is so immature that anyone above what, 30 is basically exploiting them? And what age is the magical wake up moment, because their baby is a year old now?
• dating and remarrying as a single mum in your 30’s is super easy and smooth and OP should go for it?

Hmm, ok.

Aging does make a difference too - when the person is almost a generation older than you

I was in a relationship with a 10 yrs older man who pursued me (at 35 and 45, seeing each other for over a year).

I was attracted enough to him to get involved but during the relationship, when we obviously had a sex life/got naked/saw each other in Les than flattering light/got accustomed to each other - the physical attraction waned on my behalf.

He (who described himself as an ass man) was regularly admiring/making comments about my ass; meanwhile he had the type of ass in that Samantha storyline in SATC. He was making reference to his paunch abd how he'd never had one before, implying it was recent, yet photos showed he'd had it for quite some time; he insisted on wearing a t-shirt during all intimacy to cover it, even though I said I didn't mind; that became wearing/a turn off too. There were various other things. He was happy with me physically; not surprising given I was a decade younger; I wasn't with him when we got intimate and familiar. Again, not surprising, given he was a decade older.

And that's getting involved, with him at 44/45, not even 40 like the op.

Genuinely though, would you really swap the marriage you had and the children you had for a same age partner, if you could go back? Because your relationship could have broken down with a same age partner too. All kinds of relationships break down.

• 40.

• No, but I know some who have successfully so I'm not going to let people tell op that's she'll not meet any man unless he's desperate or unattractive without challenging that.

That subtlety was rather lost on you, clearly.

You’ve spent the entire thread berating me for saying it’s not easy to get an eligible, attractive man in your thirties as a single Mum, yet all you could get as a single Mum was an older fat man? You’ve proved my point.

You know when you tried to say "you're clearly a single Mum and I've hit a nerve" and I responded lol and how you were an absolutely typical example if a mn shit poster who always falls to attacks/assumptions like that. ....... That still didn't make you twig?

The only men who are around your age who would take on your situation are men who’d be completely desperate, why would they when they can very easily find someone their own age without any baggage?

yet all you could get as a single Mum was an older fat man? You’ve proved my point.

Wasn't it also you who said maybe she could get a man if he was very unattractive?

And you say you're a female MNer.

Talk about internalised misogyny.

OP you've made your mind up, it's clear.

You don't want to be with him because he's older then you and now that he's older then when you first met and fell in love you're feeling ready to move on to someone younger.

That really is the top and bottom of it.

If the age always concerned you, why did you get with him?

I think I was living in the moment and besotted and enjoying our time together. I think I just pushed the concerns to the back of my mind.