I’m 30, he’s 45…

[GraceL365]

I love my fiancé. We have a 1 year old son together. We have been together for 5 or so years. I had reservations about our age gap early on which we discussed but I really liked him so we carried on and fell in love.

However, since having our baby I am now more aware of his age and how old he will be at different stages in our sons life… I would also like another baby but I don’t know if I want to with him because I’m thinking about what is fair for the child. I’d ideally want to wait 4 or 5 years until I felt ready to have another but can’t with him because of his age so would probably have another before I wanted to do.

I’m really conflicted. I wish he was 10 years younger and we’d have a perfect life. I love my partner but I do look at him sometimes and think he looks old even now. I find myself looking at young couples when we’re out and feeling a bit jealous which makes me feel terrible for even thinking. I would never want to hurt him.

I don’t know if we should separate now because of the age issue or stay and we could enjoy another 20 years together where he would still be relatively young at 65. I’d be leaving an otherwise happy relationship. I’d have to move back in with my parents if we separated.

I’m scared about what impact us separating could have on our son if we did end things. I don’t know whether it would be better to stay together for this reason. But at the same time, I don’t want to be 60 with a 75 year old partner looking back and resenting the fact that I never met anyone else and had more children.

I do worry about the future and how his age will become more of a problem. I know illness etc. can strike at any age god forbid but in all likelihood I’m going to be widowed young and I know we won’t have that time of enjoying our retirement and growing old together.

My son is the best thing in my life and I wouldn’t change having him for anything but I do wish I’d had children with someone my own age.

I’d appreciate any advice or insights.

I don’t think this is about age really. People who truly love their partner don’t think about leaving because of his age. My DH and I have the sort of age gap you wish you had with yours - except I don’t love him. And I can tell you that love is worth far more than age. I would kill to be married to a man I was in love with, even if he was 15 years older.

sure hindsight is a wonderful thing but you are not talking about things from a future that you did not consider in the past - even though those things are yet to happen if they will happen at all

what did happen is that you both are tired and you're growing resentful and you'd be just as resentful if he was 30 and things were as they are - I'd even wager that he be even more resentful than you if he was 30 and sleeping on a couch and always being tired, instead of having fun like the couples you see

@GraceL365 I had a relationship with that sort of age gap and I know exactly what you mean. Of course you're going to find men your own age more attractive and also, prefer the thought of the future they can offer.

In my experience it just gets worse, so I do think you should look for someone nearer your own age.

Really odd that people are calling the OP ageist and she is 'no spring chicken herself' with lines on her face (really uncalled for btw) when mumsnet generally hates large age gaps and call these men predators!
With respect OP i also don't think it's the age gap but having a young DC that's putting a strain on your relationship. It is so hard when they're young to make time as a couple. My H is 17 years older so I do know how you feel about worrying what the future holds, I just think the issues are separate to his age from what you have posted.

I agree that it sounds like there is a lot more going on here than an age gap, but I don’t agree with the posts suggesting that any consideration of age in relationships is ageist. Nor do I take op’s comments as insulting to people in their 40s, of which I am one.

My DP and I are both in our 40s. We’ve aged since we got together 20 years ago - fact of life. I still want to be with him, but I wouldn’t have wanted to be with the 44-yo version of him 20 years ago. Nor would I want to be with someone in their late fifties now, but I hope I’m still with my DP when we get there. Going through the stages of life at roughly the same and being of the same generation is important to me in a relationship.

As I say, sounds like there’s more than this going on in this case, but I don’t read op as ageist.

Love this reply! So true.

The first year is the hardest, see how you feel after DS sleeps through the night, for weeks! It’s about surviving before then! It was for me anyway.

Your concerns are 100% valid though, and of course you look at him differently now you know he isn’t very helpful. He might get better once Ds is a toddler/child.

but they have not been together for 20 years

if anything it is more likely that over past 5 years OP changed more than her partner - there is bigger difference in life / perspective between 25 and 30 than there is between 35 and 40

sorry, 40 and 45

We have a similar age gap with my DH but he is the best guy I’ve ever met. He’s kind, considerate, thoughtful, funny, and we have an actual equal relationship sharing responsibilities of caring for DC and the house etc. I look at my friends marriages and not to be smug but we have the least issues by the sounds of it. I am obviously aware he will be older when DCs are let’s say 18, and he will more likely die before me (although not necessarily) but I knew that getting into the relationship and I will rather have 20 great years with him than 40 average/not so great years with someone younger.

If you are willing to leave “an otherwise good relationship” only because of the age gap (that you knew about before having kids) are you sure the relationship is that good?
And besides - 45 is not that old to have another child. Plenty of parents have kids in their 40’s these days.

I think you will only notice the gap more as he gets older. Tbh, I'm not loving being over 50, I have noticed I'm much more tired than I used to be, most of the time.
When I was early 40's, I dated someone for 3 years who was 10 years older, by the end of it I realised that he had much more trouble keeping up with me on walks and moaned a lot about aches and pains - pretty much as I feel now 10 years on. You do slow with age, and I keep myself fit and active as far as I can and not overweight, but still worn out after hard days at work or particularly physically active days out. Can't imagine doing it all with a child again as I did when younger.

I don't think you should do anything for a while. With a 1yo on the scene any marriage would be cast in a more negative light, the strain makes you examine all sorts of things that in another 2 years might not be bothering you at all.

I think if you were near your family and happy where you lived your dissatisfaction would not be making you view things so negatively.

At the end of the day you created a child together less than two years ago, I think you owe it to yourself and everyone to uphold your family as best you can while you get through the tough times.

Working long hours, disliking your environment having a young baby... Not an easy collection of complaints you need to solve them all and don't choose the one that will cause the greatest damage to be the one you go nuclear on first.

Totally agree with @SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox

Wow. Your poor partner. I'd tell him how you feel. He deserves to have someone love him for who he is, not someone who is planning their next relationship while she's still with him.

You have behaved pretty badly. You knew all along the age difference, and you have only been together 5 years. What has changed?

You really should have thought about this before having a child with him, do you think they’ll be a queue of eligible men out there wanting to take on a woman with a one year old? Also do you want to take your sons Dad away and have him in a crappy step parent situation because of shallow reasons?

The above two posters clearly haven’t read the whole thread as I’ve addressed those points.

I also would not do anything as yet. Don’t have another child any time soon, you have plenty of time.
You will get lots of posters on here saying how their much older other half is as fit as someone half their age, looks amazing, has the same energy levels a someone 30 years younger. It’s not true.
Only you can decide but the facts are:
Men die younger than women.
Nobody maintains the same levels of stamina and fitness as they age.
Having a much older partner will more than likely mean that your child will be much younger when their father dies. They will not have a lot of help if they have a child. You will spend your last years alone., after spending years as a cater for your dp. Who will care for you if you get ill, the way you will have cared for your dp?
I can say with absolute certainty that despite the delusions of some posters, the older you are the less you can do. I am nowhere near as fit as I was 10 years ago and I say this as someone who walks to and from work daily and I regularly go to the gym and fitness classes.
Im probably fitter than the average person my age but I’m under no illusions that the older you get the harder it becomes. My balance is not as good. I go to bed earlier too. Dh is the same. He has aches and pains now. In past he was incredibly fit.
Only you can decide if you love your dp enough to stay.
Don’t rush into anything.

Don't throw away a good relationship at the most difficult stage in a family's life because you're worried about age gaps. Obviously there are always stories about new dads working loads of overtime just to avoid being at home with the baby and wife. If that's what's bothering you, you should talk about it.

But love is kind of rare. And if you actually love your child's father, surely that is as close as you can get to the perfect family?

Grim age gap.

Wouldn't worry about it, op. You're probably getting a bit old for him by now.

I feel for the guy. Are you in love with him?

If you've felt this for the past year why did you have a baby with him?

What a ridiculous post.

The aging is generally relative.

He's 15 yrs older.

She's not planning on meeting a man 15 yrs or anything approaching it younger than her. They'd be around the same age; you why would he be looking at her aging, without being aware he's l, equally, aging.

Are you claiming men universally age better than women ....in spite of men fervently believing that; observation tells a different story.

I know there would be no guarantee on meeting someone else let alone finding someone I would trust to be around our son and have another child with.

The only men who are around your age who would take on your situation are men who’d be completely desperate, why would they when they can very easily find someone their own age without any baggage?

When people get divorced in middle age it’s a completely different situation as most people will have kids so it’s expected, but at your age it’s the worse time to become single with a kid. You’re clearly picky with looks (which is fine) but you’re going have to be prepared to have to massively lower your standards if you want to meet someone new.

Well the kid is a year old and she’s felt like this for a year, she said she started feeling this way AFTER having a baby… she can’t send the kid back can she.

My husband was older, by a similar amount. Our relationship broke down after 18 years because he's retiring and I'm a decade and a half younger then him. Our wants and needs no longer align and it's just so sad for us both and our children.