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Original poster

I’m 30, he’s 45…

222 replies

GraceL365 · 02/05/2023 12:54

I love my fiancé. We have a 1 year old son together. We have been together for 5 or so years. I had reservations about our age gap early on which we discussed but I really liked him so we carried on and fell in love.

However, since having our baby I am now more aware of his age and how old he will be at different stages in our sons life… I would also like another baby but I don’t know if I want to with him because I’m thinking about what is fair for the child. I’d ideally want to wait 4 or 5 years until I felt ready to have another but can’t with him because of his age so would probably have another before I wanted to do.

I’m really conflicted. I wish he was 10 years younger and we’d have a perfect life. I love my partner but I do look at him sometimes and think he looks old even now. I find myself looking at young couples when we’re out and feeling a bit jealous which makes me feel terrible for even thinking. I would never want to hurt him.

I don’t know if we should separate now because of the age issue or stay and we could enjoy another 20 years together where he would still be relatively young at 65. I’d be leaving an otherwise happy relationship. I’d have to move back in with my parents if we separated.

I’m scared about what impact us separating could have on our son if we did end things. I don’t know whether it would be better to stay together for this reason. But at the same time, I don’t want to be 60 with a 75 year old partner looking back and resenting the fact that I never met anyone else and had more children.

I do worry about the future and how his age will become more of a problem. I know illness etc. can strike at any age god forbid but in all likelihood I’m going to be widowed young and I know we won’t have that time of enjoying our retirement and growing old together.

My son is the best thing in my life and I wouldn’t change having him for anything but I do wish I’d had children with someone my own age.

I’d appreciate any advice or insights.

OP posts:
SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 19:47

*They'd be around the same age; so why would he be looking at her aging, without being aware he's, equally, aging.

mexicanandafewdrinks · 02/05/2023 19:47

why couldn't you have another child with him in 4-5 years?

drpet49 · 02/05/2023 19:48

27penny · 02/05/2023 13:08

45 is not old to father a child!! Women birth babies at 45.. deeper issue here

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 19:50

The only men who are around your age who would take on your situation are men who’d be completely desperate, why would they when they can very easily find someone their own age without any baggage?

There are plenty of early 30s men out there with equal or more "baggage".

And even if they didn't have equal or more "baggage" I know plenty of single Mums op's age and older who met new partners - who became second husbands. I'm not going to bother listing them but I can think of 5 easily off the top of my head. In one case the guy is way better looking than her ex, and couldn't possibly be a worse person - because her ex is a degenerate. (And she has 4, yep 4, kids).

usererror99 · 02/05/2023 19:51

The age gap is the one thing which was never going to change in your relationship and the one thing you'll never be able to fix

And yes it will become more obvious the older you both get - I can't imagine being 40 and married to a 55 year old or him retiring and you knowing you've got another 15 years in work. You won't grow together you'll grow apart.

But there is also an element of "made your bed" here - you've just had a baby....to break his family up because you've now decided the age gap is a problem is not something I'd likely be able to forgive my parent for? And if he wanted 50/50 custody which he'd very likely be given - don't be under any illusions about that - Could you live with not seeing your child for half his life all because you've changed your mind about his age??

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 19:51

Anyway, rhat's an incredibly misogynist post - are you another incel/mra posting on MN?

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 19:53

And if he wanted 50/50 custody which he'd very likely be given - don't be under any illusions about that - Could you live with not seeing your child for half his life all because you've changed your mind about his age??

What percentage of fathers go for and maintain 50-50, do you think?

Very few, in my experience.

It doesn't suit them for a no of reasons.

PaintedEgg · 02/05/2023 19:54

@SaulSobieski I think the issue with expectation vs. reality is here:

I love my partner but I do look at him sometimes and think he looks old even now. I find myself looking at young couples when we’re out and feeling a bit jealous which makes me feel terrible for even thinking. I would never want to hurt him.

The young couple she sees are mostly vessels of a fantasy that does not include sleepless nights, custody agreements and resentful exs in tow

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 19:57

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 19:50

The only men who are around your age who would take on your situation are men who’d be completely desperate, why would they when they can very easily find someone their own age without any baggage?

There are plenty of early 30s men out there with equal or more "baggage".

And even if they didn't have equal or more "baggage" I know plenty of single Mums op's age and older who met new partners - who became second husbands. I'm not going to bother listing them but I can think of 5 easily off the top of my head. In one case the guy is way better looking than her ex, and couldn't possibly be a worse person - because her ex is a degenerate. (And she has 4, yep 4, kids).

Every woman I know who split with the father of their child because they “weren’t happy” has ended up permanently single or with someone even worse.

The dating market is awful, you have 80% of women competing for 20% of men on dating apps, so you have a tiny pool of men women actually find attractive.

https://www.eviemagazine.com/post/women-more-selective-80-men-unattractive-on-dating-apps-recent-research

I don’t know how old your friends are but as I’ve said if you are older (40’s) it’s a completely different situation as most people have kids so people can’t afford to be as picky.

Women Are Much More Selective And Find 80% Of Men Unattractive On Dating Apps, Per Recent Research

Women Are Much More Selective And Find 80% Of Men Unattractive On Dating Apps, Per Recent Research

At this point just about everyone has had some kind of experience in the dating app world, whether it's brief or it led us to find our spouse. Research…

https://www.eviemagazine.com/post/women-more-selective-80-men-unattractive-on-dating-apps-recent-research

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 19:59

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 19:51

Anyway, rhat's an incredibly misogynist post - are you another incel/mra posting on MN?

Yeah I’m a 32 year old woman. Because I’m telling OP facts instead of just what she wants to hear? I’ve seen this happen with friends of mine leaving the father of their children because they aren’t in the honeymoon period anymore and then have realised how brutal the dating market is.

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 20:00

The only men who are around your age who would take on your situation are men who’d be completely desperate, why would they when they can very easily find someone their own age without any baggage?

The other thing you completely ignore/pretend doesn't exist (or maybe you're so lacking in social skills and cop on you don't observe it) is that a sizeable proportion of men don't base decisions on whether to get into a relationship or not on "does she have one or more child? Yes; she's out, wouldn't touch her with a barge pole" ...... There have been male posters on here who get into a relationship with and married a single Mum (can't remember if she had one or two kids) and he - just imagine!! - fell for her. She was his type, they had great chemistry, he said the attraction and sex was great and continues to be years later, he got it off with her, they were on the same wavelength, they clicked. Not all men have a "fuck no" checklist for women with kids at the top. Sometimes other things matter more to them. Often they have kids themselves and there will be a two way blending/tolerance required, not just him. Sometimes he can look ahead to when all kids will be grown up and fledged.

That is life. Your misogynist take is not life.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 20:00

You aren’t doing OP any favours by pretending that it’ll be easy to meet someone new with a one year old, unless she’s not picky with looks (which she clearly is)

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 20:01

*he got along with her

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 20:03

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 20:00

You aren’t doing OP any favours by pretending that it’ll be easy to meet someone new with a one year old, unless she’s not picky with looks (which she clearly is)

I know plenty of women who met a new partner with one child.

As I have already said, one of them's new partner (not new now) is considerably better looking than her ex.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 20:03

@SaulSobieski

Have I hit some kind of nerve? Are you a single mum? No one else seems to have an issue with me telling OP about how bad the dating market is.

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 20:05

The dating market is awful, you have 80% of women competing for 20% of men on dating apps, so you have a tiny pool of men women actually find attractive.

I really struggle to believe you're a female; you keep trotting out incel/red pill views.

The above is also one of them.

And online dating is only way people meet new partners.

You act as though there's no other way on the planet.
What's that all about.

Mom2K · 02/05/2023 20:10

You made the very conscious choice to have a child with a man 15 years older than you, but now you are seriously considering breaking up a your happy family because he's too "old" and you might have to be his carer someday? This is all about you, you, you. Maybe you should have thought about all of this before you dragged a child into it. Fucking hell, selfishness knows no bounds.

This. ^^

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 20:10

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 20:03

@SaulSobieski

Have I hit some kind of nerve? Are you a single mum? No one else seems to have an issue with me telling OP about how bad the dating market is.

Lol.

Classic.

"I must have hit a nerve, huh ...you must be fat/an other woman/a single Mum/whatever someone not agreeing with me about".

What you are saying does not tie with my observation and experience of single Mums finding new partners sooner or later, and I'm not going to let you make blanket (quite nasty) statements aimed at the op, and not give an alternative, balanced viewpoint.

PaintedEgg · 02/05/2023 20:12

@SaulSobieski you can absolutely find a relationship and happiness in your 30s, but not the "being young family" fantasy. For someone who is already struggling with frustrations of a current relationship being in a new one, presumably having another child and repeated sleep deprivation, on top of potentially both sided agreements with exs, this is not going to be nice or as fulfilling as they may have thought it would

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 20:15

No one else seems to have an issue with me telling OP about how bad the dating market is.

The usual suspects just haven't come along in this thread yet.

And that's a very nice (and somewhat fake) way of phrasing the sorts of things you've been saying;

No man would want you unless he's desperate.

You'd have to lower your standards to a very unattractive man to get one (or words to that effect).

And you wonder why someone's trying to balance you out - poor op, on the receiving end of that.
And the worst is it's not even accurate.

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 20:17

PaintedEgg · 02/05/2023 20:12

@SaulSobieski you can absolutely find a relationship and happiness in your 30s, but not the "being young family" fantasy. For someone who is already struggling with frustrations of a current relationship being in a new one, presumably having another child and repeated sleep deprivation, on top of potentially both sided agreements with exs, this is not going to be nice or as fulfilling as they may have thought it would

It happens all the time.

People in their 30s etc with one or more child from a previous relationship, get into new relationships, often marry, often have another child all the time.

I don't know why you're in such denial about it.

dragonwithwings · 02/05/2023 20:21

Just remember having a partner the same age as you does not guarantee a long life together. People die, sometimes unexpectedly.

ily0xx · 02/05/2023 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Yuasa · 02/05/2023 20:23

I wasn’t commenting on the op’s situation, Paintedegg, so much as saying I don’t think she’s being offensive or insulting the middle aged when she talks about her qualms about her husband getting and looking older.

I wouldn’t want to be in a relationship with someone that much older than me and I don’t think that’s offensive. Op has received many comments along the ‘age is nothing but a number’ lines and nasty comments about her getting older too. Seems to have touched a nerve with some posters, which I think is missing the point totally. No one is saying that people in their 40s are unfanciable and past it, but I don’t blame a younger woman for thinking wistfully about men her own age or worrying about how the age gap will pan out as the years pass.

It sounds lovely genuinely not to care if your other half is decades older than you because all you see is the person inside, but we wouldn’t all be happy with this set-up and it doesn’t make us shallow or ageist as has been alleged by some posters.

PaintedEgg · 02/05/2023 20:24

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 20:17

It happens all the time.

People in their 30s etc with one or more child from a previous relationship, get into new relationships, often marry, often have another child all the time.

I don't know why you're in such denial about it.

Show quote history

Im not in denial of this happening all the time - but I am referencing things that OP have said in this thread.

I actually agree that if the relationship is beyond saving the she should leave and move closer to her family, but it's not because of this man's age. So focusing on his age (or her for that matter! im 30 and still wrinkle free, thanks everyone!) is not really tackling the main issues which could have taken place even if they were the same age

From what we know of this man is that he has moved out to a couch, is overworked, snappy and does not help with a baby. OP feels like she's a single mother and there are so many women in the same situation - regardless of age of people involved.

so instead of focusing on "would this work if he was younger" she should really be thinking if they can work it out and if she even wants to work it out. If he has failed her so much that she fell out of love then they should separate

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