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Original poster

I’m 30, he’s 45…

222 replies

GraceL365 · 02/05/2023 12:54

I love my fiancé. We have a 1 year old son together. We have been together for 5 or so years. I had reservations about our age gap early on which we discussed but I really liked him so we carried on and fell in love.

However, since having our baby I am now more aware of his age and how old he will be at different stages in our sons life… I would also like another baby but I don’t know if I want to with him because I’m thinking about what is fair for the child. I’d ideally want to wait 4 or 5 years until I felt ready to have another but can’t with him because of his age so would probably have another before I wanted to do.

I’m really conflicted. I wish he was 10 years younger and we’d have a perfect life. I love my partner but I do look at him sometimes and think he looks old even now. I find myself looking at young couples when we’re out and feeling a bit jealous which makes me feel terrible for even thinking. I would never want to hurt him.

I don’t know if we should separate now because of the age issue or stay and we could enjoy another 20 years together where he would still be relatively young at 65. I’d be leaving an otherwise happy relationship. I’d have to move back in with my parents if we separated.

I’m scared about what impact us separating could have on our son if we did end things. I don’t know whether it would be better to stay together for this reason. But at the same time, I don’t want to be 60 with a 75 year old partner looking back and resenting the fact that I never met anyone else and had more children.

I do worry about the future and how his age will become more of a problem. I know illness etc. can strike at any age god forbid but in all likelihood I’m going to be widowed young and I know we won’t have that time of enjoying our retirement and growing old together.

My son is the best thing in my life and I wouldn’t change having him for anything but I do wish I’d had children with someone my own age.

I’d appreciate any advice or insights.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 02/05/2023 21:49

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 20:49

Aging does make a difference too - when the person is almost a generation older than you

I was in a relationship with a 10 yrs older man who pursued me (at 35 and 45, seeing each other for over a year).

I was attracted enough to him to get involved but during the relationship, when we obviously had a sex life/got naked/saw each other in Les than flattering light/got accustomed to each other - the physical attraction waned on my behalf.

He (who described himself as an ass man) was regularly admiring/making comments about my ass; meanwhile he had the type of ass in that Samantha storyline in SATC. He was making reference to his paunch abd how he'd never had one before, implying it was recent, yet photos showed he'd had it for quite some time; he insisted on wearing a t-shirt during all intimacy to cover it, even though I said I didn't mind; that became wearing/a turn off too. There were various other things. He was happy with me physically; not surprising given I was a decade younger; I wasn't with him when we got intimate and familiar. Again, not surprising, given he was a decade older.

And that's getting involved, with him at 44/45, not even 40 like the op.

Show quote history

I have a feeling this charming specimen was as lovely at 30 as he was at more advanced age...

I'd jump through a window if a guy insisted on wearing a tshirt during the sex and not because it was a spontaneous romp in a semi public location!

Haveallthesongsbeenwritten · 02/05/2023 21:51

GraceL365 · 02/05/2023 21:22

I think I was living in the moment and besotted and enjoying our time together. I think I just pushed the concerns to the back of my mind.

Show quote history

Get that and i am not judging you at all. I think you have your answer to be fair… it does not look like you see a future with him.

MasterBeth · 02/05/2023 22:25

Wow. "I love my fiance and the father of my child so much that I m considering leaving him because one day he will grow old and I don't want to have to help care for him."

Daffodilwoman · 02/05/2023 22:36

I know plenty of single mothers who have gone on to have very happy relationships, mostly with men who haven’t got children. Quite a few if them have been younger than the woman. In reality men cannot afford to be too choosey about dating women with children. Only 18% of women aged 45 plus do not have children. This includes women who cannot have children. I imagine the women not wanting children can pick and choose the crème de la crème.

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 22:59

PaintedEgg · 02/05/2023 21:49

I have a feeling this charming specimen was as lovely at 30 as he was at more advanced age...

I'd jump through a window if a guy insisted on wearing a tshirt during the sex and not because it was a spontaneous romp in a semi public location!

Show quote history

Lovely?
In what way?

My post referred to physical features that I increasingly found unattractive when we became intimate ..... And those would not have been the same when he was 30.
He did not have a paunch; that was clear from photos and its also very unlikely that a 30 yr old man would have had a flappy arse.

His attitude to the paunch was also unattractive, but I'm not sure how that makes him (not) "lovely". He was clearly just very self conscious and uncomfortable.

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 23:10

Daffodilwoman · 02/05/2023 22:36

I know plenty of single mothers who have gone on to have very happy relationships, mostly with men who haven’t got children. Quite a few if them have been younger than the woman. In reality men cannot afford to be too choosey about dating women with children. Only 18% of women aged 45 plus do not have children. This includes women who cannot have children. I imagine the women not wanting children can pick and choose the crème de la crème.

I also know a single Mum who works waiting in restaurants who's married a divorced, home owning, professional, attached, well dressed guy with a fairly grown up DD of his own.

And I know from a friend of his saying it that he had plenty of options/female attention.

He likes music, love music etc. I saw a photo of them at a festival together and realised they click, they suit each other, the get on; that's a big part of why he picked her.

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 23:11

*attractive

Orangeradiorabbit · 02/05/2023 23:24

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 22:59

Lovely?
In what way?

My post referred to physical features that I increasingly found unattractive when we became intimate ..... And those would not have been the same when he was 30.
He did not have a paunch; that was clear from photos and its also very unlikely that a 30 yr old man would have had a flappy arse.

His attitude to the paunch was also unattractive, but I'm not sure how that makes him (not) "lovely". He was clearly just very self conscious and uncomfortable.

Show quote history

Do lots of 45 year olds have flabby stomachs and flappy asses? I'm genuinely interested. Could this have been a case of someone who lost a lot of weight and had loose skin?

I know this is unrelated to OP's question, but I found your experience very interesting/surprising. I don't think 45 is that old - for example, for most to have flabby and flappy bodies - but maybe I'm just nieve.

SugarAndSpike · 02/05/2023 23:52

45? Geez he's not old! You're only 15 years younger you'll be fine. I have a bigger gap with my DH and I don't have a problem.

Is it HIS attitude? Is he convinced that he's old because he feels old in comparison to you?

SaulSobieski · 03/05/2023 00:04

Orangeradiorabbit · 02/05/2023 23:24

Do lots of 45 year olds have flabby stomachs and flappy asses? I'm genuinely interested. Could this have been a case of someone who lost a lot of weight and had loose skin?

I know this is unrelated to OP's question, but I found your experience very interesting/surprising. I don't think 45 is that old - for example, for most to have flabby and flappy bodies - but maybe I'm just nieve.

Show quote history

No idea.

But let's face it, more are going to be paunchy and saggy at 45 than at 30.

He was "ambitious" and somewhat cradle snatching to get together with a 25 yr old at 40; it's now coming out in the wash.

As I've said he should have had more sense. But then many 40 yr old men will grab the chance with a 25 yr old, without thinking about the implications.

SaulSobieski · 03/05/2023 00:08

Could this have been a case of someone who lost a lot of weight and had loose skin?

Just to answer your question - it was a rather solid paunch, you know when you see men who look like they gave a pregnant belly/pregnancy bump? Not flabby per se.

And if his ass was the result of weight loss it would be a weird type of weight loss that left a largeish pauch. It was like the Samantha experience in SATC if you've seen it.

Orangeradiorabbit · 03/05/2023 07:42

@SaulSobieski sounds grim!

PaintedEgg · 03/05/2023 07:50

SaulSobieski · 02/05/2023 22:59

Lovely?
In what way?

My post referred to physical features that I increasingly found unattractive when we became intimate ..... And those would not have been the same when he was 30.
He did not have a paunch; that was clear from photos and its also very unlikely that a 30 yr old man would have had a flappy arse.

His attitude to the paunch was also unattractive, but I'm not sure how that makes him (not) "lovely". He was clearly just very self conscious and uncomfortable.

Show quote history

sorry, I was being sarcastic - not towards you, but towards this man. Sure, body changes as we age but how much it changes depends on variety of factors - I know plenty of men in their 40s who look great and plenty who have not looked great since they were 20.

and I agree that there is nothing less attractive than constantly pointing out own perceived flaws - I don't think I would be able to bring myself to sleep with a man who insisted on wearing a tshirt to bed, regardless of his age

PaintedEgg · 03/05/2023 07:56

SaulSobieski · 03/05/2023 00:04

No idea.

But let's face it, more are going to be paunchy and saggy at 45 than at 30.

He was "ambitious" and somewhat cradle snatching to get together with a 25 yr old at 40; it's now coming out in the wash.

As I've said he should have had more sense. But then many 40 yr old men will grab the chance with a 25 yr old, without thinking about the implications.

Show quote history

you have a very odd view of 25yo women...at 25 I was in a long term relationship, had a good career going (established enough for the age and earning ok money), living away from parents for years at that point...and so were most people around my age. All working people, most in relationships, some having children / getting married.

My sister is 25 now and she has just bought her first house - I find it so bizarre that this young woman is someone you'd consider so immature that another adult should almost see her as a child. It's borderline offensive and the kind of attitude that young women often mention as an issue at a workplace where some middle-aged employees do not take them seriously

80s · 03/05/2023 08:27

Just remember having a partner the same age as you does not guarantee a long life together. People die, sometimes unexpectedly.
And they divorce, for various reasons. There's never a guarantee.

Do lots of 45 year olds have flabby stomachs and flappy asses? I'm genuinely interested.
I was dating at 45 (and older). Lots of men (and women of course) start to get overweight in their 30s, and by 45 there are quite a few with a belly, but there are still plenty of skinny types around too. A lot of people that age realise they should take care of themselves better and start exercising. Can't say I've ever seen a flappy (wrinkly?) backside, at any age (current dp 58), but maybe I've unknowingly been filtering them out!

SaulSobieski · 03/05/2023 11:39

*you have a very odd view of 25yo women...at 25 I was in a long term relationship, had a good career going (established enough for the age and earning ok money), living away from parents for years at that point...and so were most people around my age. All working people, most in relationships, some having children / getting married.

My sister is 25 now and she has just bought her first house*

None of this has anything to do with emotional maturity.

Being in a relationship does not denote emotional maturity, you don't have to be emotionally mature to be in one or yo have a child or anything else. All separate things.

PaintedEgg · 03/05/2023 11:50

SaulSobieski · 03/05/2023 11:39

*you have a very odd view of 25yo women...at 25 I was in a long term relationship, had a good career going (established enough for the age and earning ok money), living away from parents for years at that point...and so were most people around my age. All working people, most in relationships, some having children / getting married.

My sister is 25 now and she has just bought her first house*

None of this has anything to do with emotional maturity.

Being in a relationship does not denote emotional maturity, you don't have to be emotionally mature to be in one or yo have a child or anything else. All separate things.

being 25 does not imply being immature, and infantilising women in attempt to absolve them of responsibility of their actions does not actually make it any better for them. At 25 people are adults, mature, fully developed adults and they need to act like adults. If they fail - that's on them. at this point in life people have enough experience (both personal and based on observation of their surrounding) to make educated choices - and again, if they don't, that's on them.

OP was 28-29 when she gave birth - and by her account it seems like she is taking responsibility of ignoring her concerns earlier. Which is great - means she can now factor this into her next choice.

Telling adult women it's someone else's fault will at best not change anything or at worst result in 40 or 50 year old women still seeking someone else to blame for their choices

and if someone is "emotionally immature" by the time they're 25 then I have little hope they will ever pull their head out of their ass (generally speaking, not referring to OP in this case!)

momtoboys · 03/05/2023 16:47

"I don’t want to break up my family but I also don’t want to be unfair to my fiancé. He deserves to be with someone who is 100% happy."

If you don't want to be with him anymore for whatever reason, that is your choice. Please don't make it out like you are thinking of breaking up for his benefit.

Falt · 03/05/2023 17:00

All I get from your opening post is selfishness tbh. You've already had a child with him. I'll get flamed for this no doubt but I'm the same age as you and think your whole post and attitude kinda sums up what's wrong with our generation. "Lets just bring a baby into the world then split with his father A YEAR later because of an age gap that has existed since the day I met him". Right then 😬👍.

I'm not praying for a return to the 50s or anything where women were trapped in marriages and left to suffer but fuck me, is this really where we're at now? You'll tear apart your family now because you think in 30 years time you might be widowed a bit early?

It's also worth pointing that (imo) a lot of men hit their "prime" in late 30s early 40s while a lot of women hit their "prime" in their 20s-30s. Looks wise of course since that's what is apparently bothering you. So imagine this post was about a man who got with his wife in their 20s, had kids with her etc but now she's getting a bit "past her prime" while he's just reaching his he wants to split up his otherwise happy family so he can replace her with a younger model. We'd all be sickened quite frankly.

Sometimes you need to grow up and take responsibility for your actions. You've brought a child into the world with this man and created a family. Maybe own that...

SaulSobieski · 03/05/2023 18:17

At 25 people are adults, mature, fully developed adults and they need to act like adults

I would strongly disagree.

And this is relative"/ - they are not mature compared to 40 yr olds. He should have known better.

SaulSobieski · 03/05/2023 18:18

and if someone is "emotionally immature" by the time they're 25 then I have little hope they will ever pull their head out of their ass (generally speaking, not referring to OP in this case!)

Bollocks.

People mature an exponential amount from their mid twenties upward.

SaulSobieski · 03/05/2023 18:20

All I get from your opening post is selfishness tbh

I think a 40 year old getting into a serious relationship with a 25 year old is being selfish.

Ask yourself why he picked a 25 year old instead of a woman closer to his age and peer group.

SaulSobieski · 03/05/2023 18:21

If she doesn't want to be with him any more for whatever reasons, that her prerogative.

He was cradle snatching anyway.

PaintedEgg · 03/05/2023 18:50

SaulSobieski · 03/05/2023 18:17

At 25 people are adults, mature, fully developed adults and they need to act like adults

I would strongly disagree.

And this is relative"/ - they are not mature compared to 40 yr olds. He should have known better.

im sorry...what? i can imagine someone who has some high level trauma which stopped or hindered their emotional development, but 25 year old can be as mature (or more mature) than a 40 year old, at certain point age makes no difference - or 80 yo with dementia would be most mature people out there

you cannot possible expect other adults to be held responsible for actions and decisions of a 25 (or 30) yo woman

catlady4lyfe · 03/05/2023 20:10

I feel bad for your husband :(