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Original poster

I’m 30, he’s 45…

222 replies

GraceL365 · 02/05/2023 12:54

I love my fiancé. We have a 1 year old son together. We have been together for 5 or so years. I had reservations about our age gap early on which we discussed but I really liked him so we carried on and fell in love.

However, since having our baby I am now more aware of his age and how old he will be at different stages in our sons life… I would also like another baby but I don’t know if I want to with him because I’m thinking about what is fair for the child. I’d ideally want to wait 4 or 5 years until I felt ready to have another but can’t with him because of his age so would probably have another before I wanted to do.

I’m really conflicted. I wish he was 10 years younger and we’d have a perfect life. I love my partner but I do look at him sometimes and think he looks old even now. I find myself looking at young couples when we’re out and feeling a bit jealous which makes me feel terrible for even thinking. I would never want to hurt him.

I don’t know if we should separate now because of the age issue or stay and we could enjoy another 20 years together where he would still be relatively young at 65. I’d be leaving an otherwise happy relationship. I’d have to move back in with my parents if we separated.

I’m scared about what impact us separating could have on our son if we did end things. I don’t know whether it would be better to stay together for this reason. But at the same time, I don’t want to be 60 with a 75 year old partner looking back and resenting the fact that I never met anyone else and had more children.

I do worry about the future and how his age will become more of a problem. I know illness etc. can strike at any age god forbid but in all likelihood I’m going to be widowed young and I know we won’t have that time of enjoying our retirement and growing old together.

My son is the best thing in my life and I wouldn’t change having him for anything but I do wish I’d had children with someone my own age.

I’d appreciate any advice or insights.

OP posts:
Houseplantmad · 02/05/2023 15:06

My dad was 47 when I was born and mum was 34. Didn’t make any difference to any of us.
I don’t think you have much experience of 75 year olds. Our friend is 80 and still working full time and in good health. Another neighbour is 84 and as fit as a fiddle. You sound a bit ageist to me.

TallulahBetty · 02/05/2023 15:09

GraceL365 · 02/05/2023 13:44

To give some context, this last year has been really really difficult. He has had a lot of stress with work and doing stupid hours so we hardly see each other. I’ve essentially been a single parent. He is irritable and snappy because of work and the sleep deprivation obviously hasn’t helped. He is also on the sofa as our son isn’t and never has slept well.

We also live in an area I hate (I moved here to be with him) away from my family so that is a big cause of resentment and I feel a strong pull to go back home.

Obviously the above has had a massive influence on how I’m feeling but his age always has and does concern me. I think I try to put it out of my mind but it is always there.

That's a MASSIVE dripfeed.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:10

I'd be irritable, too, of I had to sleep on a bloody sofa and then work all day to support my family. Why on earth can't he sleep on a proper bed?

Original poster
GraceL365 · 02/05/2023 15:15

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:10

I'd be irritable, too, of I had to sleep on a bloody sofa and then work all day to support my family. Why on earth can't he sleep on a proper bed?

Because we don’t have a spare bed.

OP posts:
Qilin · 02/05/2023 15:25

Our dd didn't sleep well until she was nearly 2y and that was only then because we forced the issue with her. Had a horrid week of almost no sleep but finally cracked it. Despite this we made a decision that we would not relegate one of us to the sofa or spare room. I think once that happens a lot of relationships start to fall apart.

If you want to save your relationship it is time to talk. You need to be parenting and working on the relationship as a team.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:29

GraceL365 · 02/05/2023 15:15

Because we don’t have a spare bed.

Show quote history

Then getting your baby to sleep in their cot is an absolute priority, or you can sleep on the sofa at least half the time. I'd be furious if I were your husband at the total lack of consideration for his need for proper sleep. It's no wonder he's in a bad mood, he's exhausted.

flutterbyebaby · 02/05/2023 15:34

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:29

Then getting your baby to sleep in their cot is an absolute priority, or you can sleep on the sofa at least half the time. I'd be furious if I were your husband at the total lack of consideration for his need for proper sleep. It's no wonder he's in a bad mood, he's exhausted.

Show quote history

I bet she'd love to sleep on sofa if partner would take turns looking after baby and having a sleepless night

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:39

flutterbyebaby · 02/05/2023 15:34

I bet she'd love to sleep on sofa if partner would take turns looking after baby and having a sleepless night

Show quote history

If she's not working outside of the home, it is more than reasonable that she handle the nighttimes, especially during his work days.

Gigglemous · 02/05/2023 15:40

It wasn't an issue before...but it is now...

I'm 10 years older than my DP. If we went ahead and planned to have a child only for him to leave me because he couldn't imagine how hard if find it being an older paren, I'd probably lose my shit for being trapped like that

Accept that what's actually happened is you're just not into him any more!

Buebananas · 02/05/2023 15:40

The biggest factor for me though OP, is that I would not want to spend my life caring for and raising children, only to then have to care for my husband as his health starts to decline.

This. When your kids leave home (early 20s) your dh will be close to 70! That's why I probably wouldn't want any more children with him.

But you've known this all along, so not sure why you're thinking about this now.

flutterbyebaby · 02/05/2023 15:45

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:39

If she's not working outside of the home, it is more than reasonable that she handle the nighttimes, especially during his work days.

Show quote history

So she never gets to sleep, but he needs a nice comfy bed, how ridiculous. Sounds like she's parenting alone anyway, so may aswell be single and do without the earache.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:48

flutterbyebaby · 02/05/2023 15:45

So she never gets to sleep, but he needs a nice comfy bed, how ridiculous. Sounds like she's parenting alone anyway, so may aswell be single and do without the earache.

Show quote history

Never gets to sleep? When did I say that? I said they can take turns on the sofa, and she has the opportunity to nap with the baby during the day. They can also sleep train the child so this would be a moot point anyway. She's not parenting alone, he's working long hours to support the family. If she doesn't like that, fine, she can get a bloody job and pay for everything herself.

flutterbyebaby · 02/05/2023 15:51

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:48

Never gets to sleep? When did I say that? I said they can take turns on the sofa, and she has the opportunity to nap with the baby during the day. They can also sleep train the child so this would be a moot point anyway. She's not parenting alone, he's working long hours to support the family. If she doesn't like that, fine, she can get a bloody job and pay for everything herself.

Show quote history

Well she could and then he would have to do half the child rearing and pay for child care, just like she would.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:53

flutterbyebaby · 02/05/2023 15:51

Well she could and then he would have to do half the child rearing and pay for child care, just like she would.

Show quote history

Well, yes. Obviously. 🙄

Original poster
GraceL365 · 02/05/2023 15:53

Aquamarine1029 · 02/05/2023 15:48

Never gets to sleep? When did I say that? I said they can take turns on the sofa, and she has the opportunity to nap with the baby during the day. They can also sleep train the child so this would be a moot point anyway. She's not parenting alone, he's working long hours to support the family. If she doesn't like that, fine, she can get a bloody job and pay for everything herself.

Show quote history

Lol, a bit hostile.

He is more than happy having uninterrupted sleep on the sofa. It’s his choice to sleep there, I am by no means making him. He’s up early for work so would rather be further from the crying. And I have never since our son was born been able to nap during the day because he would only contact nap.

OP posts:
katemulberrybush · 02/05/2023 16:00

It all seems to be what you want

You want another baby but not for 3-5 years
You want the father to be young

So you're going to split your family up based on this?

Sittwritt · 02/05/2023 16:00

Oh Wow, before you ditch him have a look in the mirror and notice the lines…you are not a spring chicken yourself, but it’s concerning how you are happy to ditch the father of yr child for wrinkles thus giving them even less time in yr wrinkle obsessed fantasy land. Does he have any other attributes other than his decrepit ageing?

flutterbyebaby · 02/05/2023 16:01

I honestly think that when you start pondering on the future and leaving, it sets in motion a path that involves exactly that. The possibility becomes more tempting as you become more disgruntled about even the smallest things. You need to really ask yourself what do you want and would going sooner rather than later be more beneficial to you.

flutterbyebaby · 02/05/2023 16:03

Sittwritt · 02/05/2023 16:00

Oh Wow, before you ditch him have a look in the mirror and notice the lines…you are not a spring chicken yourself, but it’s concerning how you are happy to ditch the father of yr child for wrinkles thus giving them even less time in yr wrinkle obsessed fantasy land. Does he have any other attributes other than his decrepit ageing?

So stay with someone just incase you end up being alone. That sounds a bit selfish to me.

TaLooLaBell · 02/05/2023 16:07

It's sounds as if there are more problems in the relationship than age

If you take age out of the equation would you want to be with him?

gentlemum · 02/05/2023 16:09

I think you need to shift your perspective a bit.. you say you're very happy, you're engaged, you chose to have a child with him (knowing he was 15 years older) now suddenly you think he's too old and are considering separating. Wow! Your poor child.

Original poster
GraceL365 · 02/05/2023 16:21

gentlemum · 02/05/2023 16:09

I think you need to shift your perspective a bit.. you say you're very happy, you're engaged, you chose to have a child with him (knowing he was 15 years older) now suddenly you think he's too old and are considering separating. Wow! Your poor child.

I think the comments saying the age is suddenly a problem don’t understand what I mean. The age gap hasn’t changed but time has passed and having a child has made me think about it more as in how old will he be when our son goes to uni, gets married etc. I should have considered it more before having a child but I didn’t and hindsight is a wonderful thing.

OP posts:
UseOfWeapons · 02/05/2023 16:32

katemulberrybush · 02/05/2023 16:00

It all seems to be what you want

You want another baby but not for 3-5 years
You want the father to be young

So you're going to split your family up based on this?

This.
It sounds like all this is about you, not about your OH, OR your child. You just don't want to look after your husband if needs your care. Let's hope you stay healthy, and don't need his care., at any point. What an ageist comment.

I think you need to go away and think about how you sound, and how you are treating those around you. And, perhaps, talk to your OH? Maybe you can work on your issues together, maybe not, but you won't know if you CBA to try.

80s · 02/05/2023 16:33

I don't think it's unusual to see various things in a totally different light after a child has arrived - as a mum especially, birth changes you, and having a breathing, sweaty little person in your arms crying actual salty tears gives you a different perspective to an imaginary baby.

You've put yourself in an unfortunate position OP, now it's damage limitation time. Take your time with your decision.

gentlemum · 02/05/2023 16:33

@GraceL365 but the thing is you already have a child with him so regardless all of those age issues are going to be there, you can't turn back time. So your son is going to have an older dad whether you're together or not, but will have all the problems of having separated parents. Maybe there's more to it, but from what you've said you're really happy together so at a superficial level the age gap just doesn't seem like a good enough reason to separate now you've built a family together. But obviously only you can make that decision.

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