I’m 30, he’s 45…

[GraceL365]

I love my fiancé. We have a 1 year old son together. We have been together for 5 or so years. I had reservations about our age gap early on which we discussed but I really liked him so we carried on and fell in love.

However, since having our baby I am now more aware of his age and how old he will be at different stages in our sons life… I would also like another baby but I don’t know if I want to with him because I’m thinking about what is fair for the child. I’d ideally want to wait 4 or 5 years until I felt ready to have another but can’t with him because of his age so would probably have another before I wanted to do.

I’m really conflicted. I wish he was 10 years younger and we’d have a perfect life. I love my partner but I do look at him sometimes and think he looks old even now. I find myself looking at young couples when we’re out and feeling a bit jealous which makes me feel terrible for even thinking. I would never want to hurt him.

I don’t know if we should separate now because of the age issue or stay and we could enjoy another 20 years together where he would still be relatively young at 65. I’d be leaving an otherwise happy relationship. I’d have to move back in with my parents if we separated.

I’m scared about what impact us separating could have on our son if we did end things. I don’t know whether it would be better to stay together for this reason. But at the same time, I don’t want to be 60 with a 75 year old partner looking back and resenting the fact that I never met anyone else and had more children.

I do worry about the future and how his age will become more of a problem. I know illness etc. can strike at any age god forbid but in all likelihood I’m going to be widowed young and I know we won’t have that time of enjoying our retirement and growing old together.

My son is the best thing in my life and I wouldn’t change having him for anything but I do wish I’d had children with someone my own age.

I’d appreciate any advice or insights.

If you did not already have a child, my advice would be that at 45, the signs of aging will be cropping up soon and you may start noticing your age gap more. Again, if you did not already have a child, I would say be very sure this is the right relationship for you before starting a family. I say this as a woman in my late 40s experiencing those signs of aging with my same age husband.

you do have a child together. You should not be discounting the impact on your child of breaking up your family. You should not be discounting the impact on your child of seeking out a new boyfriend just so you can have a half-sibling for your child.

When my dad was 45, I was 20. I still have a few years left of my 20s so I think mid 40s is old to be a parent of a young child. Sperm quality declines with age eg lower fertility or issues with the foetus (disabilities, SEN, chromosomal disorders). From OP’s posts, it seems that parenting responsibilities are not shared and that needs to be addressed.

Gosh you would be horrified by me, my siblings, my parents, my extended family and friends then.

The OPs issues aren't bound to age they are due to the fact that it is hard work bringing up a child when your partner isn't supporting you and you have no-one around to help.

He's 45 not 75!!
What happened to "until death us do part"?
Have you considered the possibility that it could be YOU who needs care, not your hubby? What if you contract a degenerative illness? Would you expect him to clear off and find a healthy partner?

You said in your OP that life would be perfect if your fiance was ten years younger. But none of the problems you mention in your subsequent post have anything to do with his age. Work on the actual issues with the relationship before worrying about the age gap.

Funnily the most well known example of this is Captain Sir Thomas Moore. His second wife was 15 years his junior and he out lived her.

I'm a little older than you, in a similar age gap relationship, but no DC.

Can I ask, what is it about the other young couples that you feel you're missing out on? Could this be a case of 'the grass is greener' rather than an age gap issue?

Similarly, is there something specific that makes him 'look old', do you need to encourage him to go to the gym or change his dress sense?

As for getting older, I also worry about retirement so I'm making plans and saving hard to retire early, so we can enjoy some of that time together.

The child issue, I know several men who have had children at 50, so it isn't unheard of, although I understand the potential worry of being an 'older dad'.

This may sound like minimising, but I genuinely believe the age-related issues you have brought up aren't that serious in the long run. Like many have said, anyone can become ill at any age or have a life changing injury, it isn't a reason in and of itself to break up up a family.

Reading your second post, it feels like these are the real issues rather than the age. Maybe you could work with DH to address this? Through conversation or counselling?

Some of the replies have been really helpful, others not so much and quite rude.

I’m under no illusion that there would be a long line of men waiting to date me and become a stepfather to our child. Nor would I want that or to be off galavanting trying to find a new relationship. I would be focusing on raising our son and coparenting together. I know there would be no guarantee on meeting someone else let alone finding someone I would trust to be around our son and have another child with.

I don’t want to break up my family but I also don’t want to be unfair to my fiancé. He deserves to be with someone who is 100% happy. I would never do anything rash and it wouldn’t be a decision I took lightly. I just feel a bit unsure on what to do.

instead of focusing on solving issues in your relationship you've focused on his age - who is being rude here?

His age is one of those issues…

you have outlined his age being an issue and mentioned potential resentment of losing a chance to meet someone else and have a child - you would have that even if he was the same age as you. The way things stand right now you are not coping well with situation, both of you. If he was 30 he'd still be stressed, tired, overworked and unhelpful. You'd still not be in a position to consider having more children with him.

Leave the age issue for now - do you want to stay with him? Would he be open to moving to a different area / changing jobs? Getting help from family would improve the stress issue quite a bit

and most important question - do you actually want this to work out? If you assume the worst case scenario - you break up, you move closed to your family, but finding someone new and having another child does not work out. Would you be ok with it? Because if the answer is "yes" and you'd rather be on your own and closer to your family than stay with him then it may be an option to genuinely consider.

It sounds like you don't love him and you are thinking of reasons to leave him.

I’m sorry that things are so challenging.
it all sounds very tiring.
I can’t say what is best for your relationship, though I would caution that it’s hard to make decisions when you are tired and resentful. Could you move nearer your family?
in terms of age - I am mid forties, my DP is fifty, most of our friends are a similar age.

yes, as @Ponderingwindow noted, our age is slowly starting to impact, mainly the blokes in early 50’s. Some health stuff, but also just a sense of wanting some time out, a full working week feeling tiring etc.
the youngest DC in among our friends is 10 and they do feel the strain.

I think your DP’s age might be fine, but it is definitely a point worth considering.

I think you were being a bit silly! It’s not fair to leave him purely on the basis of his age, when that has not changed throughout your entire relationship-the age gap has always been there!

My husband is 15 years older than me. He is 52 and I’m 37. We have a 4 and 5 year old. Obviously we met slightly later in Fife, and we both really wanted children, so decided to have them close together as we were both getting on a bit (me in biological clock terms). He is very young for his age and doesn’t actually look much older than me!

we both get quite tired because of work, and having two small children, one of him doesn’t really sleep… I wouldn’t say he was any more tired than I am really!

He’s a great dad, and my kids love him and I would never dream of leaving purely because he is older

Life not Fife!!

It’s reassuring to hear of other relationships with the same age gap involving children which are working. I know that the age gap has always been there but I suppose it is becoming more apparent now that he is getting older.

No relationship is 100% perfect. You could leave him on the basis of his age alone, and then end up with an absolute jerk, or someone that develops health problems, or becomes a gambling addict…… The grass is always greener Op

OP this sounds like the crux of the matter, you are lonely and isolated from your family and it sounds like this has caused you feel resentful and anxious about your future, especially if you are essentially a single parent. As mentioned is it possible to move closer to your home so you have a support network? I can't think it's just his age which is making you consider leaving him as you would have thought long and hard about that before you had your first child.

I’m not sure and that’s the problem. I’m just not sure if we would be better off as friends and coparents which to be honest is how it has felt for the last year.

As others have said, there are more important factors when choosing a life partner and a father to your children; values, enjoyment of each others' company, attraction, trust, etc,. etc.. You could end this relationship and find someone who has one trait your current partner does not (younger in age), but who doesn't fulfil other important traits. I agree with previous posters that you need to look at the relationship and family unit/family wellbeing as its own thing, and set the age factor aside for now. Age guarantees nothing, old or young.

What a shame you didn't think this through earlier . It's only going to get worse as he ages .

You are blaming his age but it sounds like the relationship has been dead in the water for a year because he’s snappy and unhelpful and you have a problem with him because of his age. I don’t no what the best outcome is but I do no that waiting 5 years and having another baby with a 50 year old is a stupid idea, what if you don’t conceive with him and you’ve wasted all that time? What if you have another baby and then decide you can’t deal with his age afterall? Another baby should not be on the cards in this relationship.

It’s quite normal for relationships to suffer after the birth of a child. I know a few couples that separated when kids were 1-2…. Which is a shame as it does get easier when the kids are a little older, and relationships can recover again. When we had 2 very small kids (1 year apart) it was ridiculous- constant sleep deprivation and musical beds . Very much felt like housemates and Co parents. It’s improved in the last couple of years.

In my opinion this is the question you really need to answer for yourself - any effort you put into this relationship will be ultimately pointless if you don't love this person anymore

and whether anyone thinks its fair or not does not matter - relationships sometimes break down and there's nothing anyone can do about

From personal experience - I was in a relationship where I probably could have tried one more time but I was done trying, I didn't even want to try again, so any time spend with this person was going to be wasted.

You appear to already feel resentful for wasting years that are still ahead of you. Unless you make some sort of decision and then work towards it (whether it's leaving or staying and working on this relationship) you need to get going or it will only get worse.