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Original poster

Work colleague

207 replies

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 10:47

If you suspect your DH has ‘something’ going on with a colleague, and he’s off sick, snd thru my own stupid snooping, you find she’s offered to drive 50 miles to see how he is, what would you think??? The message said ‘oh and Sussex can join us too if she’s not working’?????

OP posts:
FishChipsMushyPeas · 01/04/2023 10:50

The message from her said that?

Why do you suspect something is going on between them in the first place?

Tomkirkman · 01/04/2023 10:54

Long term off sick? Like more than a couple of weeks?

I have worked in a few places where a colleague will visit if someone is off recovering from and operation Or similar.

If she thinks it would be a secret meeting she wouldn’t mention bringing you.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 10:55

@FishChipsMushyPeas i (maybe stupidly I’m not entirely sure) suspected they had feelings for each other, hence why I snooped . The message said that she’s thinking of coming to the town where we live (50 miles from where he works) next week to see him and me (Sussex) can come along too if I’m not working??

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 10:56

@Tomkirkman i get that but why would a casual colleague drive all that way? Maybe she thought she had to mention me? He hasn’t said anything yet but he’s gone out for a while?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 10:57

He’s been off sick about 3 weeks.

OP posts:
MaximumPleasure · 01/04/2023 11:57

Come along to what? Like meet in your local pub and bring your wife along?
If your area is attractive with lots of tourism and she genuinely were going to visit then that's all innocent I think.
If your area is boring suburbia it does seem like an effort, 3 weeks is long but not long enough to visit. It also depends on why he is off sick if he'd had surgery or been in a car crash I can see why she'd make the effort. I suppose it's relevant to know whether this was a life changing sickness and how much longer will he be off. If he had cancer surgery or a bike crash and nearly died I can see why a good colleague would visit specially if they are going to be off for much longer still.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 12:05

@MaximumPleasure hes been off with stress. He’s going thru a hard time with his ex wife and a custody battle. He started working with this woman at Christmas. He was going to transfer offices to where we now live, strangely he suddenly doesn’t want to? His regular colleague rang last week and he was on speaker phone and said my partner will be dead jealous as he’s working with this woman!! They message each other sporadically, I don’t snoop so not sure what is said other than seeing her name on his screen? Im
mot sure what made me look
this morning. He’s back now but nothing been said. A male colleague messaged last week he’s coming to see him next week, why didn’t that bother me??

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 12:10

If he brings it up, and I’m
invited, do I graciously accept? Do I air my concerns that I suspect something? Like I say I haven’t been remotely bothered his male colleague is visiting?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 12:11

Or if he doesn’t bring it up??? What do I think then? I’m am off work on the day he suggested so I’d know if he suddenly went AWOL?

OP posts:
MaximumPleasure · 01/04/2023 12:30

I would go and put displays of affection and seem really happy and super nice to her.
Unless your husband is bisexual, we all know why a male visiting him didn't bother you!
I'm surprised they've only been working together for 3 months I thought they were colleagues for years to be close enough to visit.
I think there is flirting at this stage but nobody admitted anything. Your husband might fancy her but he at least acknowledges that she has something that would make you jealous..maybe extremely good looking?? Dresses provocatively?
It could be that she's coming because she heard another colleague visited and she wants to gel with the team... it could be there is slight attraction but she's keeping it proper and above board by suggesting you come.
I would focus on whether he invites you along or not. If he doesn't that's very very fishy.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 12:37

@MaximumPleasure HE never mentioned the jealous thing, his regular male colleague did. The conversation went (on loudspeaker)
DH: so who are you working with whilst im
off?
male colleague: oh im
gonna make you dead jealous now…… ‘female colleagues name’…….
DH: ah she’s a good one (and continued the chat generally about work…..)

am I overreacting? I’ve suspected something for a while, they seem to change things about the work together. She comes in on her days off etc. she’s single, good looking and 10 years younger than us. I know he doesn’t see her out of work as he’s with me, and not sounding awful
its nice he’s off work as don’t have the fear of them being together whilst he’s here. He STILL hasn’t said anything but he’s watching his sport now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 12:38

I certainly don’t think he’d just meet her without telling me? He has nowhere he can say he’s going as he’s relatively new to the town we live in. He either mentions it and I go along, or he doesn’t, and won’t meet her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 12:40

And if he mentions it do I accept as you say, and go, or voice my concerns and possibly sound like some crazy woman if it’s all
unfounded ?

OP posts:
MaximumPleasure · 01/04/2023 12:43

Is she a grafter? Could the jealousy be in that she will carry her weight and more? We always have preferred and less preferred people to work with.
I reckon she mentioned you to downplay the distance of travel and to make it clear that it's a platonic visit and also to be polite she could be being very careful not to give him the wrong idea as she isn't interested or she could be interested but playing coy. The cincher for me is whether your husband is upfront about the invitation and asks if you'd like to tag along to which I would say yes go. If he doesn't then did he at least mention he's going to meet up with her? If yes then I'd guess he is transparent about seeing her which is good but he thinks you'll give him grief about her if you met her and so is trying to avoid igniting insecurity with you. If he doesn't mention it and he does go then that would make me think HE wants an affair with her. I would wait and see how HE approaches this with you.

TheDuchessOfMN · 01/04/2023 12:44

I wouldn’t be comfortable with it, no. That is if he agrees to meet her.

On the other hand, maybe I’m naive, but if he’s off work because of stress related to ex wife and custody etc, then surely the last thing on his mind would be to have an affair on his current wife?

MaximumPleasure · 01/04/2023 12:46

Some people develop crushes and start affairs at very stressful times as a way of escapism.
If you're confident he won't go without telling you see if he invites you along and if he does GO. You could also ask him if you're invited and watch his reaction, if he doesn't say come along. I wouldn't voice any concerns at this stage but I get it completely. I'd be jealous too.

Dacadactyl · 01/04/2023 12:47

How long have you been together and why did his marriage break up?

I'd be going to the meet up personally. Just to sound her out and work out what's what.

But if this is a new relationship and your fella has form for cheating (or has a BS reason for why his marriage broke up), I'd be calling it quits cos you don't sound like you trust him.

TedMullins · 01/04/2023 12:48

I’m really not seeing the issue here. She obviously mentioned you to make a point that it’s platonic. It seems you’re projecting a lot of assumptions because she has the temerity to be 10 years younger and attractive. Not every single woman is interested in your husband

Dacadactyl · 01/04/2023 12:49

@TedMullins while I would generally agree with you, a 50 mile trip to visit someone who has been off sick for 3 weeks, when you've only known them 3 months is OTT.

CantFindTheBeat · 01/04/2023 12:52

TedMullins · 01/04/2023 12:48

I’m really not seeing the issue here. She obviously mentioned you to make a point that it’s platonic. It seems you’re projecting a lot of assumptions because she has the temerity to be 10 years younger and attractive. Not every single woman is interested in your husband

Not every woman would come and visit their recent male colleague when he's off sick.

CantFindTheBeat · 01/04/2023 12:53

Why has he changed his mind about working in the more local office, OP?

What has caused him to be off with stress?

MaximumPleasure · 01/04/2023 12:54

I would travel to see a male colleague as part of a work group taking another colleague or with my partner if I had one at the time. I would only do this much effort if I knew them very well for years and if their illness was life threatening and they've been off for a couple of months and likely to be long term off work. I wouldn't do this for someone off with family stress and been off less than a month and knew them for 3 months only.
There are devious cheaters that sound you out by fake innocent excuses to hang out as a safe way to test the waters. She's doing too much but then saying your mrs can come... hmmm...
it's best to see how your husband reacts to the invitation. Keep watching but try and stay as normal as usual.

TedMullins · 01/04/2023 13:01

CantFindTheBeat · 01/04/2023 12:52

Not every woman would come and visit their recent male colleague when he's off sick.

Show quote history

Given a male colleague is visiting too, it doesn’t seem weird in the context of this workplace

brbinajot · 01/04/2023 13:03

@Sussex4321 it would make me wonder if she is getting a bit too familiar with him ... and not in a 'want to be friends' type of way. She could be lonely, I guess, or be looking to make new friends, which might be why she mentioned you meeting up as well. But I would also be suspicious of her motives while giving her the benefit of the doubt. Nothing you've said indicates to me that he's doing the chasing though. Yes, the change of attitude to moving offices is odd but this could easily be a red herring you know.
You need to meet her really to get an idea of what sort of person she is.

brbinajot · 01/04/2023 13:05

Are you sure he's off with stress because of his ex wife situation? Could he be taking time off work because he's trying to avoid her?