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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work colleague

207 replies

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 10:47

If you suspect your DH has ‘something’ going on with a colleague, and he’s off sick, snd thru my own stupid snooping, you find she’s offered to drive 50 miles to see how he is, what would you think??? The message said ‘oh and Sussex can join us too if she’s not working’?????

OP posts:
WorldCuppa · 03/04/2023 08:42

@Sussex4321 yes, yes and yes.

BartsLongLostBro · 03/04/2023 08:53

There is definitely potential for an affair there. I do not think you're being crazy about it. Deleting messages is odd. Keep an eye on it and call him out on it if anything pops up again. Being emotional crutches for one another will be the next step...

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 03/04/2023 08:58

I know that by posting on a public forum I get varying advice, but two such conflicting views there? One saying I’m basically overreacting and one saying it could develop?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 03/04/2023 09:01

He’s never cheated before………. His first wife had an affair and left him. He tells me all the time how much he loves me. I just can’t seem to get past this, whatever it may be?

OP posts:
Tomkirkman · 03/04/2023 18:05

Sussex4321 · 03/04/2023 08:58

I know that by posting on a public forum I get varying advice, but two such conflicting views there? One saying I’m basically overreacting and one saying it could develop?

Yes, I think you are making it into something it’s not.

You say the colleague mentioned jealousy about working with her, then admit it’s because she is very good at her job.

‘potentially lead to an affair’ means nothing. I work in a male dominated industry. Any man I get on with could ‘potentially lead to an affair’. Any man I meet, at work, in the shop, at my hobbies, walking the dog could potentially turn into an affair. Thankfully, my dp knows I wouldn’t cheat. He knows I would just end it with him if I wanted someone else. I even, shock horror, go for coffee with men I work with.

Also when it comes to colleagues you may not always feel comfortable saying ‘why would you travel all this way? No I don’t want you to’ he gave her the brush off. So wether she wanted more or not, it doesn’t matter. He gave her the brush off.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 03/04/2023 19:08

@Tomkirkman thank you again for replying. The jealous comment thing I think is misunderstood? My DH was talking to his regular colleague on loudspeaker as he’d been also chatting to me, I know him. When my DH asked who he was working with in his absence the regular colleague said ‘oh I’m gonna make you really jealous now……. And said the female colleague name’………

He brushed off her invitation yes but still agreed to meet her for coffee in the town where they work? I won’t be there?

OP posts:
Tomkirkman · 04/04/2023 19:37

Sussex4321 · 03/04/2023 19:08

@Tomkirkman thank you again for replying. The jealous comment thing I think is misunderstood? My DH was talking to his regular colleague on loudspeaker as he’d been also chatting to me, I know him. When my DH asked who he was working with in his absence the regular colleague said ‘oh I’m gonna make you really jealous now……. And said the female colleague name’………

He brushed off her invitation yes but still agreed to meet her for coffee in the town where they work? I won’t be there?

I haven’t misunderstood. You later said she is good at her job.

Nothing in that comment suggests your dh wills be jealous because he fancies her.

exactly what’s the huge deal if they do meet for coffee? You didn’t like that she was willing to travel have coffee. Colleagues meet for coffee. They will be in the same town working.

Or he may have said that as part of the brush off. Loads of us have said ‘yea let’s have a catch up later’ when we know it won’t happen. Or maybe he will, but tell you if they make firm plans. What’s the issue if he does?

i don’t think there’s any point replying. You don’t want to talk to him and tell him you are uncomfortable with him meeting her (if he actually ever intended to). You will just keep snooping and seething and make yourself miserable. There’s really no point goi f round in these circles.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 05/04/2023 08:28

@Tomkirkman please don’t think there’s not point replying all the comments help me. I guess there’s nothing wrong in them having coffee I just can’t understand why he archived the chat? She’s now not in his WhatsApp list of messages? I won’t continue to snoop despite what you think I’ve found it so stressful I wish I hadn’t! But obviously I do see messages pop up on his screen etc? I guess I’m wondering why the secrecy? And he was straight up telling his male colleague wanted to drive through to see him! Nothing whatsoever about her?

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Original poster
Sussex4321 · 08/04/2023 06:57

I’m just feeling really down with it all. I want to talk to him but I’m ashamed to say I snooped at his phone so unsure how to even bring the subject up!

OP posts:
toots123 · 08/04/2023 07:33

When is the scheduled meet up? If he doesn't go then there might not be anything to worry about.

I understand why you feel this way though. It's probably worth mentioning to him that the messages (regardless of what they say) are making you feel insecure

Beantag · 08/04/2023 07:41

Sussex4321 · 03/04/2023 08:58

I know that by posting on a public forum I get varying advice, but two such conflicting views there? One saying I’m basically overreacting and one saying it could develop?

Because nobody knows! It depends on a lot of different factors that none of us could possibly know. Personally I suspect they're just friends hence why she asked you along to make it clear she doesn't see it as anything more- whether this is because he's tried to overstep the mark before who knows. Some people don't think anything of driving long distances, I mean I do i can't be arsed but I have plenty of friends who don't see a journey of an hour or two as a big deal at all; but I wouldn't read into that too much. Perhaps he doesn't tell you as he knows you'll assume the worst or perhaps he loves her- probably unlikely though. The comment from his colleague meh maybe he fancies her or maybe she's just attractive and nice to work with and they all like working with her.

category12 · 08/04/2023 08:07

I think you should probably listen to your instincts.

It's weird that he archived the conversation if the rest are left visible. It's weird that she wants to visit him if she's just a work friend. It's weird that his colleague "joked" about him being jealous. And it's weirdest of all that he's stopped trying to get a transfer.

hoophoophooray · 08/04/2023 08:15

I archive conversations when I can't be bothered with that person

FfoxRedN · 08/04/2023 08:15

Sussex4321 · 03/04/2023 19:08

@Tomkirkman thank you again for replying. The jealous comment thing I think is misunderstood? My DH was talking to his regular colleague on loudspeaker as he’d been also chatting to me, I know him. When my DH asked who he was working with in his absence the regular colleague said ‘oh I’m gonna make you really jealous now……. And said the female colleague name’………

He brushed off her invitation yes but still agreed to meet her for coffee in the town where they work? I won’t be there?

Would you be there if he met a male colleague for coffee?!
Men work with women. You can't stop that. Would he behave the same if you worked in a male dominated business? How would you react if a male colleague sent you the same message and you didn't want to be rude, but wanted to decline?
I actually think he's been really diplomatic with his response, maybe he's been more polite because he feels sorry for her given her loss? How many chats has he archived? If he really wanted to hide it he would have deleted it. Could he have done this to stop any 'jealousy' from you seeing it?

I think you need to trust him more and give him the benefit of the doubt. The relationship is doomed otherwise

PrinceHaz · 08/04/2023 08:26

There’s probably nothing you can say to him at this point as, if he is developing feelings for her, it’s still early on, so he’d be able to say there’s nothing going on with impunity.
I’d just wait and watch.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 08/04/2023 08:54

@toots123 due to me stupidly snooping I saw the reply and he’s not meeting up with her? Well, he said thanks for the kind offer, hopefully he’d be back at work soon and they can have coffee and chat there?

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JudyGemstone · 08/04/2023 09:18

i would say to him that you’re sorry but you felt a suspicion about Susan, just a gut feeling you can’t explain and you looked at his phone and saw x messages and are feeling a bit insecure and could you talk about things.

i did this a couple of weeks ago, my boyfriend wasn’t mad that I’d looked and we had a good talk that reassured me.

if you have good open communication you should be able to talk about these things I think

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 20/07/2023 17:15

Hi all, been a while since I’ve been on. My partner was off sick for 4 months with stress etc. he’s gone back to work last week and my anxieties been high. As far as im
aware he hasn’t worked with this colleague yet? I just had his phone (with him in the same room!) as I was accessing some complicated government gateway stuff and he hates doing it. Her name popped up on a message! Yes I looked!! He was asking her if she wants to work with him tomorrow as he’s on his own? No kisses or anything? She replied ‘OOH I’ll ask’ and a few random emojis. She is still archived!!! I just said to him are you still on your own tomorrow? He said yes! Why is she archived? Why is he
lying? Am I yet again being paranoid?

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Buildingthefuture · 20/07/2023 21:06

Ask him? You’ve been stewing on this for months. Tell him you saw the messages, you’ve seen previous ones and you are concerned, not least because they are archived. And he just lied by omission, Ask him why that is?

Merveille · 20/07/2023 21:14

TedMullins · 01/04/2023 12:48

I’m really not seeing the issue here. She obviously mentioned you to make a point that it’s platonic. It seems you’re projecting a lot of assumptions because she has the temerity to be 10 years younger and attractive. Not every single woman is interested in your husband

I agree. You seem to find it noteworthy that this woman is driving 50 miles to see your husband when he’s been off for three weeks with stress, but not weird that a male colleague is doing the same — surely it’s either weird for both of them to visit or none? Also, work crushes tend to make people want to spend more rather than less time at work, so if your DH were all loved up, he’s highly unlikely to take weeks off for stress?

Merveille · 20/07/2023 21:15

Saw your update. Surely if he’s been off for FOUR MINTHS with stress, the chances of him having a crush on, far less an affair with, this colleague are minimal?

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 05:28

Thanks @Merveille and @Buildingthefuture

why lie tho? He’s been saying all week about how Friday he would be on his own (they work in twos) his regular mate is on holiday, he’d had a new guy with him all week but it’s his day off Friday.

he’s messaged her! ‘I don’t want to work on my own’ …… as far as I’m aware they haven’t been in touch since April when she offered to drive to see him? Then when he returned to work she was doing some other project apparently? I blatantly asked him if he was still on his own, he clarified yes! She said she would ask their boss if she could work with my DH when he suggested it?

am I really over reacting?

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DimeStoreHooker · 21/07/2023 05:47

Technically speaking until she confirms, he is working on his own; you're doing your own head in too much, you need to speak to him.

Did he see much of his friends/family when off?

Susieb2023 · 21/07/2023 05:48

Personally I don’t think you are. He’s lying for a reason.

But I’m not convinced this is affair territory yet but something isn’t right.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 06:15

Thanks @DimeStoreHooker and @Susieb2023

i feel quite sick about it. He will probably ring me later and either she is or isn’t working with him? Whether he’s honest or not I don’t know? I’ll never know?

he’s so adamant he never lies to me, yet he is doing so? I can’t admit I snooped I think that would cause even more damage!

he saw lots of his family whilst off, his friends are in the town he left (where he still works). He never saw them, apart from a trip we both went on to see a band, and we met up with one of his male colleagues. Regarding his ‘transfer’……. He now admits he wants out of the company he works for. Doesn’t want to do the same job in our turn as it’s a bigger busier office. He’s looking to apply for a job with the company I work for, albeit a different role. Would he be doing that if she was prominent in his life? His children live with us, they don’t see their mother, their choice. He’s always saying his settled thru are etc. his children are his world surely he wouldn’t uproot them again for some silly fling? I just don’t understand the lies and hiding the messages??

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