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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work colleague

207 replies

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 10:47

If you suspect your DH has ‘something’ going on with a colleague, and he’s off sick, snd thru my own stupid snooping, you find she’s offered to drive 50 miles to see how he is, what would you think??? The message said ‘oh and Sussex can join us too if she’s not working’?????

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 14:07

@IhearyouClemFandango ive been gone an hour and a half.

@Spiderboy because I’ve been cheated on in the past I’m (rightfully or wrongly) hyper alert. I don’t think anything physical has happened unless they do it in full view of colleagues 😂 but unsure if something emotional happening?

OP posts:
Spiderboy · 01/04/2023 14:08

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:45

And he hasn’t once messaged me to see where I am!!! I just said I was going for a drive!

Why would he message you when he thinks you’re driving? I

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 14:09

@Spiderboy you have a valid point I just know if it was reversed I’d be asking him if he was ok?

OP posts:
Spiderboy · 01/04/2023 14:10

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 14:07

@IhearyouClemFandango ive been gone an hour and a half.

@Spiderboy because I’ve been cheated on in the past I’m (rightfully or wrongly) hyper alert. I don’t think anything physical has happened unless they do it in full view of colleagues 😂 but unsure if something emotional happening?

I’m think you need to let go a little bit. Stop waiting for him to chase you or put your mind at ease when he has no idea you even have such concerns. He is probably zoned out at the TV right now :D just take a step back

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 14:11

@Spiderboy thank you that’s why I’ve come out for a while.

OP posts:
dottiedodah · 01/04/2023 14:35

Surely though if he was having an Affair with her ,she wouldnt ask if you wanted to meet up as well?

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 14:37

So I’ve come home, he vaguely asked where I’d been. I told him I’d been driving. No questions asked? Am I being unreasonable here? It’s out of character for me to act like this, he hadn’t once asked what’s up? If it was the other way around I’d be all over it? This is all going to end in tears isn’t it? He’s now sat watching the follow up to his sporting event in a different room!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 14:39

@dottiedodah this is what makes me think it’s all early on? Emotional? Maybe it’s all coming from her so she suggested I come along so he doesn’t feel awkward?

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IhearyouClemFandango · 01/04/2023 15:00

It sounds a little like you are trying to provoke a reaction here.

TedMullins · 01/04/2023 15:12

You’re behaving quite manipulatively now. Flouncing off for a drive and being “off” to provoke a reaction, it’s just emotional game playing. Just sit down and tell him calmly your concerns - although I do think you’re overreacting. The fact you’ve been cheated on previously isn’t his fault, neither is it OK to punish you for that.

what would’ve been the problem if he and a group of men from his work had met up with a group of women on a night out? They’re hardly going to have a gang bang in Wetherspoons are they? And frankly so what if she does fancy him? Neither he nor you can control how other people feel, and he doesn’t seem to be encouraging it. Chances are she doesn’t, and they just get on well as colleagues, which is allowed despite them having opposite sets of genitals.

Wheresthebloodynurofen · 01/04/2023 15:17

I think you struggle with jealousy and insecurity. I genuinely can’t see an issue here, it seems it’s she’s a younger female and you don’t want him to have younger female friendships.

I think has he’s off with stress etc you need to try to get control of your jealousy and not add to his issues by making your own mental health problems his too

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 01/04/2023 15:29

You really need to stop trying to get a reaction out of him. Especially as he's been sign off for stress and going through a rough time with a custody battle.

You either need to let it go and work on your insecurities or have an honest and open conversation with him and tell him what's bothering you.

Tomkirkman · 01/04/2023 16:12

Op do you really believe she fancies him and is that desperate to see him, that she would see him with you just to get contact?

Maybe he hasn’t mentioned it as he isn’t going to be going?

The comment about colleagues been jealous sounds like it has zero to do with attractiveness. But to do with her being good at her job.

When you combine you snooping and you playing games to get a reaction, then this sounds all deeply unhealthy. You may have been cheated on, but was it your dh who cheated on you?

You really should have dealt with your insecurities before jumping into a relationship and marriage. You need to be able to learn to have a conversation. All this game playing isn’t helping anyone.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 16:47

Thank you all. I think my reaction was ‘knee jerk’! He hasn’t cheated on me no it was previous relationships. He has been talking today about us getting away on holiday as we are both stressed, him especially. He hasn’t mentioned her messaging. As far as I know he hasn’t replied since he’s been sat with me and im not snooping again.

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WorldCuppa · 01/04/2023 21:52

You sound unhinged

Wheresthebloodynurofen · 01/04/2023 22:28

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 16:47

Thank you all. I think my reaction was ‘knee jerk’! He hasn’t cheated on me no it was previous relationships. He has been talking today about us getting away on holiday as we are both stressed, him especially. He hasn’t mentioned her messaging. As far as I know he hasn’t replied since he’s been sat with me and im not snooping again.

It’s not knee jerk, you’ve clearly got significant issues surround jealousy insecurity and possessiveness, and moved to manipulative behaviour, eve. Knowing the issue is yours and he’s off sick.

you need to get help, as you’re moving into abusive territory. And no “I was cheated in before so I get to treat my partner like shite” isn’t a justification.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 02/04/2023 09:17

Thanks …… unhinged is a little strong! I came on here as a bit emotional - blame hormones - blame long hours at work - blame myself - whatever? I just felt I needed some advice and help. Which a lot of you have provided and it’s appreciated.

without sounding unhinged, a little update….. he hasn’t mentioned this message at all. We have been griping at each other for a few days, I sat next to him last night he opened his messages to show me something in our family group, the chat with his female colleague is now not there??

OP posts:
Coffeeandcake15 · 02/04/2023 09:38

This is crazy and you sound really controlling @Sussex4321. If my husband was going through my phone and asking me who was messaging me, I’d end the marriage. You even said you don’t think the women from his work evening out would have attended if they knew you was going. You need to work on your insecurities, it’s not healthy. The work colleague even suggested bringing you along too. There is nothing at all to suggest anything is going on.

Lysianthus · 02/04/2023 09:40

@Sussex4321 Its not there because it's meaningless and he's deleted it.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 02/04/2023 09:43

@Coffeeandcake15 im not going thru his phone as such, I looked once, wished I hadn’t!

@Lysianthus he’s never deleted messages before?

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Tomkirkman · 02/04/2023 10:15

Sussex4321 · 02/04/2023 09:43

@Coffeeandcake15 im not going thru his phone as such, I looked once, wished I hadn’t!

@Lysianthus he’s never deleted messages before?

How could you possibly know he has never deleted messages before?

Whats to say, he didn’t also think she was crossing a line so never replied and deleted it.

If I were him, I wouldn’t Bring it up to you.

But I don’t know why we are bothering. You are convinced he is doing something he shouldn’t. That’s what’s important. So you have 2 choices. Keep driving yourself insane, keep snooping through his phone and over his shoulder. Or have a conversation.

If you choose option one, it’s likely going to lead to the end of your marriage, even if he isn’t cheating and you don’t tell him. Because you will continue to be on edge, play games and make yourself miserable.

Option 2 is far more adult, but I guess you won’t believe anything he says anyway.

And this is why you need to sort your issues. Because there’s no outcome here that is good for you or him or the marriage. This is what happens when we rush into relationships workout dealing with our issues.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 02/04/2023 18:43

So I snooped! Before I’m vilified I KNOW it’s wrong!!!! We’ve had a really shitty weekend lots of arguments and I am not proud of what I did. He DID reply to her! Then he’s archived the chat. He said that he hopes she’s well, thanks for the offer, never actually refused but said he’ll be back at work soon so they can have a coffee and a chat in the town where they work? Told her the male colleague is coming this week. She replied glad all is ok and either ‘I’ miss you or ‘we’ miss you I can’t remember which?

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hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 02/04/2023 20:00

I don't see anything wrong with his reply or archiving the chat. It looks like he is not interested in seeing her while he is on a sick leave and his reply was just a polite chat between colleagues. Whether she likes him more than that is questionable, but from his answers I don't see anything suspicious on his part.

I do think you are out of order to snoop though. You clearly don't trust him. It sounds very unhealthy.

I wonder if he didn't tell you about this and archived the chat because he knew you would overreact.

I feel quite sorry for him as it sounds like he is going through a really tough time.

Tomkirkman · 03/04/2023 07:18

It’s really obvious you consistently snoop. No one is surprised. He did turn her down without saying ‘no, I don’t want to meet up’ it’s a perfectly fine response to a colleague.

My last post remains. Talk to him about it or play games and be passive aggressive about it.

The way you are acting isn’t the way a good marriage works. I don’t see you or your husband been happy in the long term unless you sort your issues first.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 03/04/2023 08:23

Thank you. Just the million dollar question? Do you think this is all in my head? Do you think it’s all innocent? I just need someone to take me out of my own thought process?

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