Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work colleague

207 replies

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 10:47

If you suspect your DH has ‘something’ going on with a colleague, and he’s off sick, snd thru my own stupid snooping, you find she’s offered to drive 50 miles to see how he is, what would you think??? The message said ‘oh and Sussex can join us too if she’s not working’?????

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 01/04/2023 13:06

I doubt there is much to worry about tbh. A man who was besotted with a college would be very unlikely to voluntarily take himself off sick so he'd see less of her, and if the stress is about custody of DC then holding onto flirtatious distraction would be more appealing.
I suppose if he sees himself as having high moral integrity, he might be off trying to avoid her so either he or her could get over it, but tbh, not many men would execute that level of control.
That she suggested you come along seems a clear indication that her intentions are above board, and possibly a signal to him not to get any ideas ( although if she had concerns about that, you'd think she wouldn't visit, as its mixed messages).
From your end, if he mentions it to you and invites you along, I'd see it as a great opportunity to gauge things. Keep all this musing to yourself for now as so far your concerns are based on flimsy evidence so could be seen as OTT.
Have you directly asked him why he's not transfering nearer? His answer could be telling.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:07

@MaximumPleasure yes she apparently is a grafter, his job is outdoors and she apparently picked it up well and makes it easier.

he’s never cheated before that I’m aware of. We’ve been married a year, together nearly 3 but I knew him a long time beforehand snd we had mutual friends whom
im sure would’ve dished any dirt if there was any?

his first wife left HIM. I agree about the comment about him being off with stress etc and ongoing custody battles so why would he be on the verge of an affair? It’s not like him but since before Christmas this woman been on and off the scene. He tried to add me on a social media platform the other week and gave me his phone snd said you do it……. It’s not a platform I’m familiar with, tho a common one, instagram, snd I was clicking all sorts trying to sort it, I clicked on messages and her name was there! He never saw and I never said anything! Then a few months ago, his phone was on the side and I went to switch a lamp off and her name popped up, I asked him who has messaged him and he said it was his work group!!!

also There was a night out recently in the town where they work, I initially couldn’t go, then I managed to sort it, turns out all the girls from his work were also on a night out, albeit different venue to where we were! If I hadn’t gone would they have met up?

he watching some sport I’ve told him I’m off for a drive as I don’t follow it. I’m sat here not knowing how to address it?

OP posts:
brbinajot · 01/04/2023 13:14

You know her name could have popped up on his phone via a workgroup chat @Sussex4321 ?

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:15

@Opentooffers when I asked him about transferring offices he says he has great work colleagues and he doesn’t know if he’d be happy in the office near where we live. The plan was he was going to volunteer to work some days in our local office and see if he likes it but obviously now he’s off sick he can’t. He’s going thru a horrible custody battle with his ex, it’s all
very complex. I too have thought (and hoped I’m wrong!) that he’s gone off sick to avoid this woman but then why wound he still be in contact with her? She’d messaged him when he went off, again I haven’t personally read it, but he said she’s messaged and asked how he was and told him to keep smiling. So he’s been upfront with that? I don’t know what the instagram messages were????

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:17

@brbinajot his work chat messages come up saying ‘X posted in work group chat’ do it would’ve said (I’ll call her Susan 😂) ‘Susan posted in work group chat’ but it just said ‘Susan’.

OP posts:
Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 01/04/2023 13:19

If you don’t trust him, you might as well throw in the towel now. You seem to be brooding over this and almost determined to find ‘something wrong’.

your bloke is off work with stress, don’t add to it.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:22

@Allthegoodnamesarechosen i certainly don’t want to add any stress. I just need to know whether I’m being over the top? I’ve been cheated on a lot and I AM insecure, he knows that. Is it innocent? I’m in a quandary as my brain feels like it’s split in 2??

OP posts:
brbinajot · 01/04/2023 13:22

I don't know exactly what it is about your posts @Sussex4321 but I don't get the feeling that he's cheating on you nor wanting to cheat on you with this woman.
She does sound a bit overly-invested or intense, but some people are just like that. Or she could be interested in him. But from the facts I'd say it's really unlikely he actively wants to be with this woman.
When you ask why he is in contact with her ... it's difficult to ignore a colleague isn't it? He's not going to say 'don't contact me'. That would just be weird.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:24

Everything you have said, possibly negative AND positive, I see!!! I guess I have to wait it out and see if he brings it up and take it from there? I’m 99% sure he wouldn’t just say next week he was off up town and meet her without me knowing?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:26

@brbinajot i certainly would never ever suggest he doesn’t contact any of his colleagues! It’s just I’m suspicious of this one! I’ve left the house like I say, told him im
off for a drive, he didn’t seem bothered snd just posted a pic in our family group of him having a can of beer whilst watching his sport!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:29

I’m sat here like Mutley muttering under my breath (trying to keep a sense of humour!! 😂) but I know I’ll be ‘off’ with him and yet I can’t tell
him why as I stupidly snooped at his phone!!!

OP posts:
MaximumPleasure · 01/04/2023 13:30

It's a good point that if he fancied her he would seriously avoid going off sick, in fact she would be the nice bit of escape in his day and something to look forward to.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:35

I don’t know whether this changes things, she has just turned 40, we are 50, her husband died (think he had cancer?) and she has a young son.

OP posts:
brbinajot · 01/04/2023 13:36

I think you're overreacting @Sussex4321 and think you should calm down ... as it concerns him. I admit that I, too, would be a bit suspicious of this woman. But as far as I can see, he hasn't done anything wrong.

brbinajot · 01/04/2023 13:37

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:35

I don’t know whether this changes things, she has just turned 40, we are 50, her husband died (think he had cancer?) and she has a young son.

Yes, she's probably lonely.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:37

@MaximumPleasure yes I thought this too, but then as someone else said, maybe he felt himself becoming too attracted to her???

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:38

All his social media pics are of us. It’s not like im
secret?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:43

@brbinajot I don’t think he’s necessarily done anything but he’s messaging her obviously so not exactly discouraging her?

OP posts:
hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 01/04/2023 13:44

I think you are massively overreacting.

I do think your relationship is in trouble though, as you don't trust him and snoop around. To me it doesn't sound like he gave you any reason to be insecure, so there was no reason for you to snoop.

His work colleague also mentioned you coming along, I really don't see anything suspicious in this scenario (unless there is a massive drip feed coming).

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:45

And he hasn’t once messaged me to see where I am!!! I just said I was going for a drive!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:50

@hallodarknessmyoldfriend no, no massive drip feed…… just everything I’ve said in the thread…… not really on the scene until before Christmas, work together a lot, seem to manufacture working together a lot (his regular colleague, they work in pairs then meet up in the office, was off doing some training for a while and DH had this female colleague as a replacement), her coming in on days off as DH would’ve ended up working alone, the night out whereby they were all out, the obvious messaging, the instagram…….

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:53

I need to wait and see if he mentions it? I’m just scared I’ll react ‘wrongly’ and unsure whether to mention concerns?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:56

And regardless of her mentioning me coming along, like has been said, a 100 mile round trip for a coffee?? The male colleague at least has known him for years, is a friend etc.

OP posts:
IhearyouClemFandango · 01/04/2023 14:04

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 13:45

And he hasn’t once messaged me to see where I am!!! I just said I was going for a drive!

You only left 20mins or so didn’t you? Why would he be chasing you already?

Spiderboy · 01/04/2023 14:05

Your husband hasn’t done anything wrong from what you’ve posted. Even in the phone call you overheard, he sounded respectful? So I would just see how it plays out.
If someone wants to cheat, they will but nothing here implies he is going to take that step?