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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work colleague

207 replies

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 10:47

If you suspect your DH has ‘something’ going on with a colleague, and he’s off sick, snd thru my own stupid snooping, you find she’s offered to drive 50 miles to see how he is, what would you think??? The message said ‘oh and Sussex can join us too if she’s not working’?????

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 06:18

Doesn’t want to go the same job in our TOWN

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 21/07/2023 06:53

He isn’t lying. She hasn’t confirmed. Until she does, he’s working alone.

What is wrong with you? You’ve constructed all of this out of nothing. He’s done nothing. Nothing has happened. You’ve asked for feedback and the overwhelming majority of responses have been that you need to stop this nonsense…yet still you continue.

Do you have access to professional support of some kind? As this is no way to live and, as it’s been going on for months, is clearly above MN’s pay grade.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:00

@PousseyNotMoira when I asked are you still on your own tomorrow why didn’t he say he had asked X if she would work with him as he doesn’t like working on his own? Why archive her chats? That’s what gets to me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:05

All the messages in the past, yes, nothing to confirm an affair, but if it was me snd it was a male colleague, I would be saying to DH oh so and so messaged me today, and I’d mention it! I do! I have male colleagues, I work in pairs too, I’m sometimes on my own, I’ll message colleagues asking if they will work with me……. But I tell my DH, my messages aren’t archived! All my colleagues are very much out in the open so to speak! This woman is almost hidden!! When I lived in the same town and I was on a day off, he’d often invite me to come and gave a coffee with him and his regular mate when they were on a break, never ever been invited to meet this particular colleague!

OP posts:
DimeStoreHooker · 21/07/2023 07:08

He hasn't known her that long though if he's been off for months?

He might feel better if a colleague is there and no-one else was available

mangochops · 21/07/2023 07:12

I'm a big one for trusting your gut. If you feel there may be a potential attraction there, there may well be. Doesnt mean he has acted on it by the sounds of what you said.

I come into contact with attractive professional men via my job and there have been some flirty banter in the office but I know my boundaries and wouldnt get into text exchanges with them because I'm very aware of where it can lead and I love my DH and wouldnt do anything like that. My guess is: she is pretty and some of the men in the office fancy her (the colleague's jealous comment) but that doesnt necessarily mean he'll cheat. I would keep an eye on it, but I wouldnt go OTT worrying about it.

mangochops · 21/07/2023 07:13

Oh, and I archive all my chats because I just dont like the annoyance of whatsapp popping up on the lock screen all the time- its nothing nefarious

Merveille · 21/07/2023 07:13

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:00

@PousseyNotMoira when I asked are you still on your own tomorrow why didn’t he say he had asked X if she would work with him as he doesn’t like working on his own? Why archive her chats? That’s what gets to me.

But you were obsessing about this long before either of these things happened. You’re just actively looking out for full for this obsession now, including juvenile behaviour like flouncing out for a drive and then complaining about him not getting in touch to see where you were. Are you this obsessive, jealous and reactive about other things?

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:15

@DimeStoreHooker as far as I know she’s only worked for the company about 8 months! Hence why I had an extreme reaction when she offered to come and see him (and me apparently!) for a coffee when he was off! He worked on his own last week, he’s done his job about 8 years he’s very capable, albeit it’s more difficult by yourself. She was apparently doing some other project since he’s been back, he told me that, so he couldn’t ask her last week. Now she is back and he can’t wait it seems to work with her?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:19

@mangochops aa far as I can see it’s usually her that instigates chats? There may have been the odd x at the end but generally not! But it’s thrown me that he instigated this one, then never mentioned it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:21

@Merveille ive been hurt in the past my barriers never really come down. I find it hard to trust so yes I probably do go looking? I don’t actually like feeling like this. Im
just mega suspicious all the time it’s exhausting.

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 21/07/2023 07:21

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:00

@PousseyNotMoira when I asked are you still on your own tomorrow why didn’t he say he had asked X if she would work with him as he doesn’t like working on his own? Why archive her chats? That’s what gets to me.

You honestly cannot engage with what’s being said to you. What are you hoping to achieve from this post?

DimeStoreHooker · 21/07/2023 07:21

Has he ever spoken to you about being suspicious?

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:22

@mangochops all
his other WhatsApp messages come thru to his Lock Screen?

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 21/07/2023 07:25

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:21

@Merveille ive been hurt in the past my barriers never really come down. I find it hard to trust so yes I probably do go looking? I don’t actually like feeling like this. Im
just mega suspicious all the time it’s exhausting.

I’ll repeat this. Do you have access to professional support of some kind? As this is no way to live and, as it’s been going on for months, is clearly above MN’s pay grade.

Alternatively, this spirals out of control, you destroy your mental health and relationship and end up alone. For no reason whatsoever.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:26

@PousseyNotMoira maybe IRL folk have close friends and/or family, a mother, who they could go to and say listen I’m probably way off the mark here but…… and explain my fears. I don’t have a relationship like that my mother has mental health issues, I’ve always been the adult in our relationship. My close friends, one of them is DHs sister so I can’t offload to her! I guess I just want someone to make me feel like I would feel if I had someone IRL to offload to?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:27

And maybe stupidly, I’m desperate to prove something IS going on so I can protect myself if it is! Does that make sense?

OP posts:
DimeStoreHooker · 21/07/2023 07:29

Have there been issues with your worries in the past? Would he archive chat with her because of this if so?

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:29

No I have no more resources re therapy etc than anyone else? I guess I could access thru GP? But are my feelings not real? Maybe that’s what I’m wanting to achieve? The more he archives chats, never mentions her etc, sneakily messaging asking to work with her, the more my feelings intensify.

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 21/07/2023 07:30

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:26

@PousseyNotMoira maybe IRL folk have close friends and/or family, a mother, who they could go to and say listen I’m probably way off the mark here but…… and explain my fears. I don’t have a relationship like that my mother has mental health issues, I’ve always been the adult in our relationship. My close friends, one of them is DHs sister so I can’t offload to her! I guess I just want someone to make me feel like I would feel if I had someone IRL to offload to?

You've explained your fears and lots of people have responded.

I’m asking what you hope to achieve because you’re not engaging with or taking on board what the majority of people are saying to you. You’re latching onto the comments of the minority who are egging you on and going ‘well, opinions are divided’ (they aren’t really) and using that as justification for your obsessive self destructive spiralling.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:32

@PousseyNotMoira i read some comments which say yes your feelings are justified etc and I thing YES I’m not going mad, then as you say the majority tell me it’s nothing, and I feel like I’m completely overreacting!

OP posts:
NeverThatSerious · 21/07/2023 07:33

I don’t think anything is going on at all. She offered to meet up, with you as well, and he declined and kept it work only. A colleague mentioned her and he said ‘yea, she’s a goodun’ (how bland) then moved on, and that’s about the extent of it.
you sound completely paranoid and incredibly difficult to live with. Your behaviour with the snooping and the flouncing and everything else is immature and, frankly, ridiculous. You do need to look into getting professional help, this way of thinking can’t be good for you.

PousseyNotMoira · 21/07/2023 07:33

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:29

No I have no more resources re therapy etc than anyone else? I guess I could access thru GP? But are my feelings not real? Maybe that’s what I’m wanting to achieve? The more he archives chats, never mentions her etc, sneakily messaging asking to work with her, the more my feelings intensify.

Some people have access via insurance or work EAPs, which makes it quicker than waiting on the NHS and cheaper than going private. As you don’t, have a look at Betterhelp.

Your feelings are real, but they have no basis in fact. He hasn’t been even remotely sneaky.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:35

@PousseyNotMoira so, in a nutshell, what is your advice? Accept this is nothing but in my imagination? Don’t worry about it? Accept she is a colleague and they get on and he likes working with her? I get all of that I really do as im in a similar situation with my work. The issue is it’s all very secretive!! He used to be quite open when he was working with her etc. as I am with him!

OP posts:
mangochops · 21/07/2023 07:36

I dont think him not mentioning it is a red flag though- I dont tell my DH about every text message or suggestion to meet from friends that I get. I'd mention it if I was going, or planning to go out but I wouldnt mention every message.

My DH archives every chat that isnt family/close friends, I think he keeps the "important" people only in the current folder.

The more you say, the more it seems like you are spiralling about this so you need to take a breath and stop. You have no evidence he has cheated and I dont think obsessing about archived chats is helpful. Why dont you talk to him if you're worried- tell him you have this fear due to past cheating and mention the colleague's comment and ask him to put your mind at rest?