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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work colleague

207 replies

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 10:47

If you suspect your DH has ‘something’ going on with a colleague, and he’s off sick, snd thru my own stupid snooping, you find she’s offered to drive 50 miles to see how he is, what would you think??? The message said ‘oh and Sussex can join us too if she’s not working’?????

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:37

@PousseyNotMoira he hadn’t been sneaky? Why archive her messages? Why when I asked him if he was alone today did he not say oh I’ve asked X if she’ll work with me? I feel that’s sneaky? The archiving especially!

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 21/07/2023 07:40

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:35

@PousseyNotMoira so, in a nutshell, what is your advice? Accept this is nothing but in my imagination? Don’t worry about it? Accept she is a colleague and they get on and he likes working with her? I get all of that I really do as im in a similar situation with my work. The issue is it’s all very secretive!! He used to be quite open when he was working with her etc. as I am with him!

I think I’ve been pretty clear, but I’ll repeat it all if that’s helpful.

My advice is that nothing is happening. He’s not being secretive (the expectation that he inform you of every interaction is unreasonable); your behaviour is obsessive, irrational and unhealthy; you need to take on board (actually read and engage with) what most people on here have said; and you should look at getting professional support. I suggested Betterhelp, specifically.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:41

@mangochops the thing is, he doesn’t archive any other messages. To me it seems a massive red flag? And I get the fact he doesn’t mention every chat, of course not, but when I asked him outright if he was working alone, he went into a conversation of how he will be on his own, how it makes it really hard for him, the work will be backed up etc…… not oh I’ve asked X to work with me. I even said oh they’ll find someone for you? He never said then either he just said no they won’t!!

OP posts:
PousseyNotMoira · 21/07/2023 07:42

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:37

@PousseyNotMoira he hadn’t been sneaky? Why archive her messages? Why when I asked him if he was alone today did he not say oh I’ve asked X if she’ll work with me? I feel that’s sneaky? The archiving especially!

I and others have already responded to all of those questions. You don’t like the answers, so you’re not accepting them. In which case, like I said, what’s the point in asking the questions?

This is a bit frustrating, tbh. Best of luck, OP. I have to go about my day.

mangochops · 21/07/2023 07:45

OP- the thing is, you'll get lots of opinions on here and with lots of different motivations. Some people replying will have been cheated on so will immediately jump to that, others who maybe havent experienced it will tell you absolutely not and you're overreacting. You sound very distressed and I dont like to hear that this is upsetting you so much.

The problem is, none of us really know whats going on for sure. Do you feel able to express your fears to him and talk to him about it in a calm manner?

SD1978 · 21/07/2023 07:45

It really does sound like it's all in your head. You e inferred tone from messages which have none. His workmates seem to have wanted to make sure he knew they were thinking of him, and you've now invented a torrid affair not supported by any of the messages. He's been off work 4 months with stress- clearly was stressed before that- maybe he doesn't want to move locations right now because at least here he has support and understanding, which a new site and new people he would t have. Genuinely you need to tell him because it sounds like you are sabotaging your relationship over a few benign messages you've decided has them bonking all over town......

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:54

@PousseyNotMoira i do take your comments on board, thank you, like I’ve said I’m getting conflicting opinions which is expected, as @mangochops said. I will look up Betterhelp, thanks, I don’t want to feel like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:58

@mangochops thsnk you I feel very distressed with it all. Do I feel I could bring it up? Not really……… I’d have to be honest snd say I’d snooped and I think he’d find that unforgivable. He’s very opinionated, as am I, we have some proper cracking discussions! But whenever I bring work up he gets defensive? Like was said he has great colleagues who’ve supported him thru lots, he feels close to them, I understand that! I understand him not wanting to move offices and start afresh. He’s given me comfort with my fears in saying he wants to leave the company. He wants a different job, more sedate and weekends off. I do feel like I’m spiralling! I’m struggling,

OP posts:
mangochops · 21/07/2023 08:13

I think you have to take a moment to sort through your thoughts and figure out what is his stuff and what is your stuff. There is no evidence of cheating- a lot of this is you inferring the worst from your assumptions about messages and archives etc. Thats on you and you need to take responsibility for that and maybe just acknowledge that you are jumping to conclusions with no actual evidence. Recognise the discomfort and see if you can identify where its coming from (eg feeling not good enough or past experiences, whatever it is). Sometimes just sorting through your thoughts without judging them can be really helpful.

Its unfair to transfer an ex's behaviour onto your current partner, he's not him. However, you can absolutely mention that you heard his speaker phone conversation with his colleague and ask calmly about it. If you do this though, it should be from a place of curiosity and not accusation.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 08:28

@mangochops thank you that advice is very helpful. ALL of it is I just sometimes don’t see the woods for the trees! The conversation I heard I was actually part of. His regular mate had rang to see how he was. I’ve met him lots so he said oh put Sussex on so my DH put it on speakerphone. I guess it’s not unreasonable to mention that if it come up.

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Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 08:29

im trying to work thru all my thoughts. Why do you think he archives her chats if he’s nothing to hide? Why is she this secret entity?

OP posts:
weathervane1 · 21/07/2023 08:39

OP, I imagine he archived the chats so that they don't pop up annoyingly on his lock screen. From all of your comments, I see nothing to make me suspicious. There is no flirting, only the language of two colleagues that appear to respect each other. What I would say though is that your insecurities are shining out like a lighthouse beacon. If it's obvious on a public forum, your husband must be very well aware of how you are and is trying to walk on egg shells around your feelings. That being the case, he is probably scared stiff that you will jump to the wrong conclusions - which I think you have 100% - and as a result archived his messages and daren't announce that he's working in the sample office as her. After all, let's imagine it is totally innocent, just two professionals working together and then he told you. How would you react.... pretty much as per this thread I think and that's not healthy for either of you. In this instance, I genuinely think the poor bloke can't win.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 08:45

@weathervane1 he is in so many WhatsApp groups, his children and work group etc are all WhatsApp. It goes off constantly. So I do understand what you say but I don’t feel it’s true in this case. He is glued to his phone. Takes it to the toilet, kitchen, everywhere. But then I have his passcodes etc as he has mine so logically if there was something going on surely I wouldn’t be within a mile of it? So I do find it strange that it’s only her he’s archived.

But you are correct with everything else.

OP posts:
mangochops · 21/07/2023 08:46

Why do you think he archives her chats if he’s nothing to hide? Why is she this secret entity

I have no idea. Maybe he does this unconsciously and it means absolutely nothing. But look at your language: "secret entity"- your thoughts are interpreting it as something secret and nefarious. You dont know that- you have zero evidence to support that theory. Its these kind of thoughts that arent helping you and are causing you to spiral so just notice how you are thinking about things. You could equally say he archived her because he doesnt give a shit about her and doesnt want to see her stupid message on his screen. See?- there are always alternative interpretations available. Calmness is the cradle of power- stay calm, dont over think, be aware of your thoughts and talk to him.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 08:49

@mangochops totally understand what you are saying. I don’t think he subconsciously archives her messages tho? I get what you say about turning it on its head and thinking maybe he doesn’t give a shit? Again I don’t feel that’s the case? She is one of the only colleagues he’s never said anything negative about. And if he didn’t give a shit he wouldn’t be messaging her asking her to work with him? Agsin im going round in circles aren’t I!

OP posts:
mangochops · 21/07/2023 08:52

And if he didn’t give a shit he wouldn’t be messaging her asking her to work with him? Agsin im going round in circles aren’t I

Not necessarily. There are people I like to work with and am always glad theyre in the office because they make my life much easier at work, and they are much easier to get on with than others, doesnt mean I want to shag them, or consider them best friends, you know? Yes, you are going round in circles and its not helping you.

mimi82 · 21/07/2023 08:54

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 08:29

im trying to work thru all my thoughts. Why do you think he archives her chats if he’s nothing to hide? Why is she this secret entity?

Because he knows you don't want him chatting to her, but he wants to chat with her, so he does it in secret. He is being utterly disrespectful and very immature.

Merveille · 21/07/2023 08:55

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 08:49

@mangochops totally understand what you are saying. I don’t think he subconsciously archives her messages tho? I get what you say about turning it on its head and thinking maybe he doesn’t give a shit? Again I don’t feel that’s the case? She is one of the only colleagues he’s never said anything negative about. And if he didn’t give a shit he wouldn’t be messaging her asking her to work with him? Agsin im going round in circles aren’t I!

But maybe she’s just calm, efficient and excellent to work with? That’s also a perfectly possible interpretation of the male colleague’s remark about your DH being jealous — it may be that’s she’s a byword for doing more than her share if you’re sharing a shift, and if your DH suffers from stress badly enough to have been signed off all that time, maybe it’s that he appreciates in her?

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 09:03

You see it’s hard as I’ve had two very different responses just there? I KNOW if I post on a public forum I’m open to everyone’s views but it’s hard to know whether it is actually ME and my thoughts or is he actually being disrespectful etc.

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Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 09:04

@mimi82 thats what I think too

OP posts:
mimi82 · 21/07/2023 09:10

I don't know if it works any differently now but a couple of years ago I was mortified to find that an old friend (who I'd archived the chat with) had message me on WhatsApp months before, and I'd never seen it come through. I never checked my archived messages, so I assume notifications don't come through. So you actively need to check the archived chats for any messages, presumably? I don't know if that's still the case. If he's still messaging her but she's in archive, then presumably he would need to actively check the archived chat all the time. Bit of unnecessary effort IMO unless you're trying to keep it hidden.

Now, it might be that nothing's going on romantically, but that he likes the chat. Maybe he gets a buzz out of her attention on him. Somewhat irrelevant what is really going on when you consider that he's obviously lying to you. It's the lying that causes the damage in all these relationship problems. Tell him to be upfront and then you can work it out together, sensibly, like adults.

ImtheFlag · 21/07/2023 09:11

Do you work OP?

If not, I'd go over and surprise him at lunch. Take him a nice brew and sandwich over. See his reaction and who he is with

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 09:13

@mimi82 i think that’s still
the case? Thing is there’s been no messaging since beginning of April that I could see? So I don’t think he’s been actively checking her messages? In fact I’m sure if she’d messaged him it comes out of archive? It’s the fact he’s thought about her, wanted to work with her snd messaged her.

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Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 09:15

@ImtheFlag I do work yes but a few days off at the min, I can’t turn up and surprise him he works 50 miles away.

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 21/07/2023 09:23

OP, I was in a relationship like this one, except I was the other party.

DH constantly accusing me of having an affair with one of my male friends, a friend who I had known for years. Snooping on my phone, making comments about how I must have been up to this or that.

upshot, I changed my passcode on my phone and my social media passwords. Why? Not because I had anything to hide, but because I had the right to have friends without being accused of doing something wrong every time I spoke to them.

The difference here is that my DH at least did his paranoid thing to my face, and threw around his accusations that because x, it must be y etc to me personally.

But the upshot was that I refused to live in such a controlling relationship any more and I divorced him.

You need to get past this or you’re going to end up losing your dh. Or is that secretly what you want hence why you’ve invented this narative in your head?