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Original poster

Work colleague

207 replies

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 10:47

If you suspect your DH has ‘something’ going on with a colleague, and he’s off sick, snd thru my own stupid snooping, you find she’s offered to drive 50 miles to see how he is, what would you think??? The message said ‘oh and Sussex can join us too if she’s not working’?????

OP posts:
ImtheFlag · 21/07/2023 09:27

50miles isn't that far if you drive?

That's what I'd do anyway. At least then I'd know

mimi82 · 21/07/2023 09:30

I think I might also have invented the narrative the OP has if a female colleague had offered to drive 50 miles to see my OH when he's ill.
Now it might be that I've had uncaring friends, but I can honestly say that nobody in my life has ever offered to drive 50 miles to see me when I've been ill or similar unless they have been related to me!

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 09:35

@ImtheFlag he takes his break somewhere different every day so yes I do drive but o wouldn’t know where he was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 09:37

@MayThe4th i certainly am not trying to drive him away! We are both very open, like I say we know each others passcodes etc. I often have his phone, which make me more distrustful of the fact he is archiving messages? I don’t want to admit I’ve snooped! I think it would be a deal breaker!

OP posts:
RoyalGala · 21/07/2023 09:43

Honestly OP, you need to stop pussy-footing around and driving yourself mad. You need to confront him, he’s your husband, you should be able to discuss these things, it doesn’t matter if we are comfortable/not comfortable with it, it’s your marriage and if you’re not comfortable with it, then you need to speak up and tell your husband you’re not comfortable with the friendship.

Swannyb · 21/07/2023 09:43

I don’t feel like this has alarm bells on it.

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her and other colleagues to ask to visit him. He’d been off work with stress, perhaps they were worried for his mental health. She’s even suggested you join which may be her way of saying she means no harm with her attempt at a friendship with him.

You’ve mentioned he’s having problems with his ex wife and his children (who live with you) and they don’t want to see her. Would he really bring another relationship drama into his and their lives by having an affair?

By all means, keep an eye, but I wouldn’t let this upset or rule your life. Especially if he’s planning on leaving workplace and joining yours.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 09:45

@RoyalGala yes I totally do need to talk to him but I need a way of doing whereby I don’t come across as a complete controlling nut case!

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 09:53

@Swannyb thank you I think needed to hear that. We have had awful stress with a custody battle, that why he was off work. He wasn’t divorced when we met so I went thru all that with him too it was a difficult time. He has 4 children 2 are adults. They don’t see their mother either. I knew her vaguely and by all accounts she was very selfish and didn’t do anything with the children. She had an affair - it’s very complex and quite outing so can’t go into detail - but very nasty. The adult children made their own mind up and decided to cut contact, the younger two have been subject to a battle. They are happy settled kids who are excelling at school. They have stability with us. My DH has full custody now. She has had her visits to the youngest one suspended due to a safeguarding issue ( her issue not ours). The second youngest is an age where he decides and he doesn’t want to see her. It’s all very sad. And stressful. So again no I don’t think you would be of sound mind to even consider an affair throughout all this! We are very loving generally, lots of I love yous, great sex life etc. I can’t even think I’m neglecting him into an affair? I just can’t shake off this uneasy feeling. It’s not like him to hide a chat? He did it once with a group chat which he needed to be in for his children but it was full of inane nonsense. So he archived that - with my knowledge, but this colleagues he obviously doesn’t know I know he’s archived it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 10:00

There was another message way back where she sent him a picture of a rose. It was near valentines and she does flower arranging. She said she had one left and ‘would you like it for your Sussex’ he said yes please that would be lovely. I never saw it??? Then the message where there was a picture of cake snd coffee and she said ‘missing you 💕💕😂’ and he responded with he wasn’t going to speak to her until she was working with him again! They work primarily outdoors and in pairs, she was working with someone else that day and they’d obviously stopped off for coffee so she sent this pic to my DH! Then the message offering to come and see him? And me strangely! He never even mentioned that! He asked if all was ok snd she replied yes we are all ok snd just miss you!! I don’t know what to think??

OP posts:
nonmerci99 · 21/07/2023 10:04

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 10:00

There was another message way back where she sent him a picture of a rose. It was near valentines and she does flower arranging. She said she had one left and ‘would you like it for your Sussex’ he said yes please that would be lovely. I never saw it??? Then the message where there was a picture of cake snd coffee and she said ‘missing you 💕💕😂’ and he responded with he wasn’t going to speak to her until she was working with him again! They work primarily outdoors and in pairs, she was working with someone else that day and they’d obviously stopped off for coffee so she sent this pic to my DH! Then the message offering to come and see him? And me strangely! He never even mentioned that! He asked if all was ok snd she replied yes we are all ok snd just miss you!! I don’t know what to think??

Sounds a bit like they might be work spouses. (Note these relationships are platonic!)

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Work_spouse#:~:text=A%20work%20spouse%20has%20been,%2C%20loyalty%2C%20and%20respect%E2%80%9D.

Work spouse - Wikipedia

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Work_spouse#:~:text=A%20work%20spouse%20has%20been,%2C%20loyalty%2C%20and%20respect%E2%80%9D.

RoyalGala · 21/07/2023 10:04

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 10:00

There was another message way back where she sent him a picture of a rose. It was near valentines and she does flower arranging. She said she had one left and ‘would you like it for your Sussex’ he said yes please that would be lovely. I never saw it??? Then the message where there was a picture of cake snd coffee and she said ‘missing you 💕💕😂’ and he responded with he wasn’t going to speak to her until she was working with him again! They work primarily outdoors and in pairs, she was working with someone else that day and they’d obviously stopped off for coffee so she sent this pic to my DH! Then the message offering to come and see him? And me strangely! He never even mentioned that! He asked if all was ok snd she replied yes we are all ok snd just miss you!! I don’t know what to think??

It’s an emotional affair OP, you need to confront him.

mimi82 · 21/07/2023 10:09

Weird that you never saw the rose, @Sussex4321
When you say that she said 'would you like it for your Sussex', presume you mean she said would you like it for (then put your name)' rather than 'would you like it for your wife' ?

Milyt · 21/07/2023 10:22

My take is that they clearly like each other but there is no evidence of an affair with all this and you are driving yourself nuts trying to find it. You do take too much interest in his phone and messages. Are you very insecure generally?

The only way to either allay your concerns or find out the truth is to have the discussion with him. Tell him you are uneasy about something and then go from there.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 10:26

@mimi82 yes she put my name, not ‘your wife’.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 10:27

So I’ve just had about a 20 min chat with hi . He rang me. He said he was working on his own? I asked oh so they never found anyone for you to work with he said no? So all I can do is believe him I have no way of finding out if he’s lying?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 10:29

Her name wasn’t mentioned? I would’ve felt better had he said oh I’d asked X to work with me but it wasn’t allowed! Or whatever!

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/07/2023 10:29

I think you don't have much to confront him
with at the moment so whether or not there are bubbling feelings there confronting would only cause argument.

  1. Express surprise that she's coming to meet up with him, is she local? But you're off sick? Oh right ok. Just to show that it's weird.
  1. Do go along to the meet up (looking great).
  1. Focus on your marriage and relationship- keep it as strong as you can. So many men justify affairs as they feel under appreciated or like their wife isn't interested in them just the kids etc. so make time for dates and fun, don't let her be his escape from his stressful or boring life. It's helpful you've found out about this potential risk early on before anything escalates
Maddy70 · 21/07/2023 10:31

Honestly. She's a work friend who is visiting a colleague who's I'll. I drive more than 50 miles to work. Shes asked for you do go too. You are being a bit weird .

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 10:31

@Unexpectedlysinglemum this meeting was early April and it never happened! The only reason I know is that I snooped and saw she’d messaged offering to meet him. But he never.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/07/2023 10:32

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 05:28

Thanks @Merveille and @Buildingthefuture

why lie tho? He’s been saying all week about how Friday he would be on his own (they work in twos) his regular mate is on holiday, he’d had a new guy with him all week but it’s his day off Friday.

he’s messaged her! ‘I don’t want to work on my own’ …… as far as I’m aware they haven’t been in touch since April when she offered to drive to see him? Then when he returned to work she was doing some other project apparently? I blatantly asked him if he was still on his own, he clarified yes! She said she would ask their boss if she could work with my DH when he suggested it?

am I really over reacting?

Ok I've just seen this update this is dodgy territory he I would definitley ask her why she's archived

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/07/2023 10:33

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 07:29

No I have no more resources re therapy etc than anyone else? I guess I could access thru GP? But are my feelings not real? Maybe that’s what I’m wanting to achieve? The more he archives chats, never mentions her etc, sneakily messaging asking to work with her, the more my feelings intensify.

I agree with you it's dodgy secretive territory

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 10:34

We have so many things planned he doesn’t meet the normal criteria for someone being unfaithful? We are going on holiday in August, a few weekends away planned. We moved his children to a different town snd school and they are settled.

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/07/2023 10:35

I archived an ex friends with benefits while I was in a new relationship, not because anything was going on but because he likes messaging me happy Xmas etc and random ones so I didn't want them to pop up on my screen and my new partner ask who that was.
If he's archiving it's because he doesn't want you to see them. Why not is the question.

Maddy70 · 21/07/2023 10:35

CantFindTheBeat · 01/04/2023 12:52

Not every woman would come and visit their recent male colleague when he's off sick.

Show quote history

I would. ....and have!

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 10:36

@Unexpectedlysinglemum i can’t ask him as then he’d know I’ve snooped. He’s told me he’s working alone do I believe him?

OP posts: