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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Work colleague

207 replies

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 10:47

If you suspect your DH has ‘something’ going on with a colleague, and he’s off sick, snd thru my own stupid snooping, you find she’s offered to drive 50 miles to see how he is, what would you think??? The message said ‘oh and Sussex can join us too if she’s not working’?????

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 21/07/2023 10:39

Next time I was on the sofa next to him I'd say I saw over your shoulder earlier you have messages popping into archived can you show me?
If he says no why don't you trust me etc you can just say it seems like a weird thing to do it seems like there's a convo going on there I cant think why you'd archive unless you didn't want me to see, and now you don't want me to see, so..... and keep looking at him until he keeps talking

mimi82 · 21/07/2023 10:41

If you ask him he'll probably say that he wanted her as a friend but that he knew you'd think there was something more than friends going on so he didn't tell you because there's nothing for you to worry about.

Maddy70 · 21/07/2023 10:41

Honestly. You don't trust him yet He's done nothing wrong. You have though. Being "off "with him and going for a drive etc. You are attention seeking and being silly. Your behaviour is very controlling. Isn't he allowed to have work friends ?

That is what will ruin a marriage.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 10:44

@Unexpectedlysinglemum but they’ve messaged once since April that I know of and it was whilst he was at work so unless they are messaging after work I can’t use that excuse?

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 10:46

@Maddy70 of course he’s allowed work friends. Most of them I speak to or if we are in that town they will say hello etc. it’s just she seems to be ‘off territory’ of that makes sense! He’ll often say oh I heard from (a n other colleague) yesterday snd he’ll mention it. I’ve given him ample opportunity to mention her and he hasn’t.

OP posts:
gonetogreece · 21/07/2023 10:48

Sussex4321 · 01/04/2023 12:11

Or if he doesn’t bring it up??? What do I think then? I’m am off work on the day he suggested so I’d know if he suddenly went AWOL?

If he doesn't bring it up I'd be suspicious.

If he then goes out with her and lies about who he's been with call it out, If he does mention it I'd accept the invite, you'll able to tell by the look on his face if he would prefer to go without you.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 10:51

@gonetogreece the meeting would’ve taken place early April.

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 21/07/2023 10:54

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 10:46

@Maddy70 of course he’s allowed work friends. Most of them I speak to or if we are in that town they will say hello etc. it’s just she seems to be ‘off territory’ of that makes sense! He’ll often say oh I heard from (a n other colleague) yesterday snd he’ll mention it. I’ve given him ample opportunity to mention her and he hasn’t.

He probably doesn't mention female colleagues because he knows how you react talk to him. Tell him your fears

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 11:04

@Maddy70 he does mention female colleague. They are 50/50 gender split I’d say. He just fails to mention this one?

OP posts:
gonetogreece · 21/07/2023 11:15

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 11:04

@Maddy70 he does mention female colleague. They are 50/50 gender split I’d say. He just fails to mention this one?

It's a hard one, My DH has lots of female colleagues that's he is friends with and they meet up out of work which I have never had an issue with. And then a new woman joined his team and they were friendly.. something didn't sit right with me but I didn't know why just a gut instinct. I was right she tried it on with him at a Christmas party. He obviously declined and told me, she left the job soon after. If you know that like me you don't get crazy jealous and suspicious of your husband's friend but have a bad feeling about this friendship then really all you can do is speak to your husband about how you are feeling.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 11:27

@gonetogreece thank you. Given the fact he’s hiding messages I don’t think he would tell me if she HAD tried it on?

OP posts:
gonetogreece · 21/07/2023 11:41

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 11:27

@gonetogreece thank you. Given the fact he’s hiding messages I don’t think he would tell me if she HAD tried it on?

No but you never know it could put your mind at rest or his reaction might prove that your feelings are off for a reason. Only way I can think of to stop all the guess work is to have that talk. Hopefully it's nothing, good luck.

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 15:43

Just had a chat when he came home. He was saying how he’d been to the chippy at lunchtime as he was on his own and his regular mate won’t go. Said he’d had a great day despite being on his own. Due to the nature of his work what isn’t done is left for the next day. He said tomorrow will be hard as he’d had to drop a lot of the work. He’s off now until Tuesday. He said he’s on his own again then. I asked won’t X be back then (he’d said she was doing something else for 3 weeks) and he said oh she’s back now, came back yesterday! I said oh well won’t she work with you Tuesday? He said no as they are so short staffed she is allocated a different work pattern at the min. So I don’t know whether it’s all true? I’ll never know?

OP posts:
Sushi4Dins · 21/07/2023 16:23

I don’t mean this unkindly, but you do not sound well.

Sushi4Dins · 21/07/2023 16:25

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 15:43

Just had a chat when he came home. He was saying how he’d been to the chippy at lunchtime as he was on his own and his regular mate won’t go. Said he’d had a great day despite being on his own. Due to the nature of his work what isn’t done is left for the next day. He said tomorrow will be hard as he’d had to drop a lot of the work. He’s off now until Tuesday. He said he’s on his own again then. I asked won’t X be back then (he’d said she was doing something else for 3 weeks) and he said oh she’s back now, came back yesterday! I said oh well won’t she work with you Tuesday? He said no as they are so short staffed she is allocated a different work pattern at the min. So I don’t know whether it’s all true? I’ll never know?

She’s allocated to a different work pattern. She said she’d ask for it to be changed and was apparently unsuccessful. What response would have satisfied you here?

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 16:27

@Sushi4Dins that’s what I thought? That’s positive isn’t it?

OP posts:
Merveille · 21/07/2023 17:10

The thing that’s puzzling me most about this thread is the nature of his job. It’s caused him enough stress to have been signed off for months, yet is relaxed enough for him to go and have chips at lunchtime? And he’s working entirely alone?

kernowpicklepie · 21/07/2023 17:11

Merveille · 21/07/2023 17:10

The thing that’s puzzling me most about this thread is the nature of his job. It’s caused him enough stress to have been signed off for months, yet is relaxed enough for him to go and have chips at lunchtime? And he’s working entirely alone?

I don't think it was the job that caused stress. I thought it was a custody battle with his ex

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 17:14

@Merveille it was stress due to a horrible custody battle. He enjoys his job.

OP posts:
Merveille · 21/07/2023 18:27

Sussex4321 · 21/07/2023 17:14

@Merveille it was stress due to a horrible custody battle. He enjoys his job.

Oh, I misunderstood. But you did say up the thread that you thought he might have gone off sick in order to avoid this colleague, which puts a very different spin on things.

Actually, that he’s been stressed enough from a custody dispute with his ex to be signed off work for four months makes this thread weirder for me. I’d be very concerned if my husband was so incapacitated by stress because of things going on in his life, and be encouraging him to find a therapist etc.. I can’t imagine saying, as you do say somewhere on the thread, that you’ve liked it that he’s off sick because it meant he didn’t see his colleague!

If I’m being charitable, is ithis paranoia on no evidence about his colleague a sort of displaced anxiety about his state of mind? It just seems deeply odd if he’s so out of his mind with stress about his children and residence that you’re focused on what sounds like an imaginary crush on a colleague…? What is the real issue here?

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 22/07/2023 06:52

@Merveille it wasn’t me who suggested he was off sick possibly to avoid this colleague? He became ‘pals’ with her before he went sick, he needed the 4 months as he was struggling with the stress of the custody battle, which we’ve overcome. Now he’s back at work my anxieties, yes, are running wild. As far as I know whilst he was off he never had contact with her? But yes now he’s back and the archiving of messages has started again I am feeling insecure and paranoid.

OP posts:
HarvardHarvey · 22/07/2023 07:03

Life sucks for single women sometimes because you can’t do anything without married women thinking you are after their man. Do we know this lady isn’t gay, has no boyfriend at home, and doesn’t also have a relative to visit in the area? Is she definitely travelling 50 miles or does she live nearer than that?

Original poster
Sussex4321 · 22/07/2023 08:27

@HarvardHarvey the meet up would’ve taken place in April but it never happened. She is definitely heterosexual she has a son (I know you can change your preference!!) she is definitely single. My DH works 50 miles away and she lives in the town beyond that! So to our town it’s even further had she come.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sussex4321 · 22/07/2023 08:29

@HarvardHarvey the initial text re visiting him certainly never stated a friend or relative in our area. It was ‘I’ll come to Wetherspoons for a coffee’……..

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 22/07/2023 09:07

I've read all your posts OP and my opinion is this Woman is making your partner uncomfortable with her messages, but he doesn't want to upset her.

It's really awkward working with someone who oversteps the mark and you don't want to "make things awkward" so you play it down..... like he has.

He can't block her as they work together , so he does the next best thing...archive chat.

He doesn't see anything to discuss with you , as he dealing with it, his way being polite and declining her invitations.

You're going to ruin your relationship if you continue with this obsession OP.

You should work on YOUR issues, or remain single.

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