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Original poster

Would this bother you? I feel like it shouldn't but for some reason it is

272 replies

Blushingm · 30/03/2023 17:28

Been with bf a year.

We were both drunk last night......he told me that when he split from his wife he joined Grindr and hooked up with men on 3 occasions.

He was married 23 years - met her at 18

I'm not sure if I'm feeling weird as he hooked up as that's not his usual thing or that i feel weird because they were men?

He'd slept with 2 women before his wife and then me (he dated someone before me but didn't sleep with her)

I think I'm being unreasonable feeling odd about it.....could also be that I'm worried he likes men more than women so I can't compete

OP posts:
MaireadMcSweeney · 30/03/2023 18:42

No it wouldn't bother me, but he's definitely bi and I would be annoyed/surprised if my partner hadn't shared that with me at the start.

MaireadMcSweeney · 30/03/2023 18:42

pncr · 30/03/2023 18:39

Serious question. Why do you have to tell someone if you're bi?

What is it to them? You're with them - anyone else, regardless of sex, is in the past.

It's quite an important piece of someone's identity no? Feels like keeping a secret not to share with a partner. It's weird.

Weallgottachangesometime · 30/03/2023 18:45

I wouldn’t really be bothered by a partner having slept with other men. What would bother me I’d them having kept it quiet. I guess I’d be worried about if they were actually bi or if they were gay but not quite come to terms with it yet.

Have you asked about his sexuality? If he is attracted to you then I don’t see the issue. I would just be worried to that he might actually be gay but not out properly yet.

Scousebloke · 30/03/2023 18:48

So i am a bloke. Sorry Op but no straight bloke would ever join grinder and have "hook ups" with men. I am straight, i am not in anyway homophobic and have a couple of long term male mates that are gay. But as a straight man, never in a million years would i join a gay dating app. The man you are seeing is either gay or bisexual. You need to understand this and tgen decide what to do.

TomHanksIsFuckingAmazing · 30/03/2023 18:55

Absolute deal breaker 🚫

unsync · 30/03/2023 18:56

It doesn't matter what other people feel about this, you are the one in this situation. If you are uncomfortable, move on. Life is too short to be comprising so soon in a relationship.

pncr · 30/03/2023 18:56

I haven't told my partner I had bi experiences. It's not relevant? I'm with him - I'm not and would never cheat on him. I don't see what it has to do with anything, any more than I haven't discussed all the male hook ups and FWBs I had when I was single.

TedMullins · 30/03/2023 18:56

So he’s bi curious or bi. It doesn’t mean he’s secretly gay. This wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. I don’t see bisexuality as something you have to “disclose” at the start either it’s not a disease ffs. What he did/does when he’s single has no bearing on your relationship.

pncr · 30/03/2023 18:58

I'm female. For the record.

Why's it a deal breaker?

I haven't discussed the entirety of my sexual history with my current partner. It's none of his business. We haven't discussed his either - only our significant relationships (one each - heterosexual)

Why is it anything to do with anyone else?

mangoontoast · 30/03/2023 18:59

Scousebloke · 30/03/2023 18:48

So i am a bloke. Sorry Op but no straight bloke would ever join grinder and have "hook ups" with men. I am straight, i am not in anyway homophobic and have a couple of long term male mates that are gay. But as a straight man, never in a million years would i join a gay dating app. The man you are seeing is either gay or bisexual. You need to understand this and tgen decide what to do.

How do you get to speak for all heterosexual men??

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 19:01

mangoontoast · 30/03/2023 18:59

How do you get to speak for all heterosexual men??

Show quote history

Oh come on now. it's not like he's making a radical statement.

Of course straight men never shag other men.
At least not when women are around. I mean, I hear prison can do odd things to folk xD

GrinAndVomit · 30/03/2023 19:03

It would bother me. I would always be worried that I could not possibly fulfil a huge area of his sexual orientation.

Saying that, I have many gay friends and I know some of the males ones have in the past been, or currently are, sleeping with men who are married to women; which may be clouding my judgement.

Scousebloke · 30/03/2023 19:03

Magoonontoast. I feel what i have written is true. Im not saying this should mean the lady should dump him. That is up to her. But a male straight guy does not join grinder and have hook ups with men. Gay or bi men might do that.

GrinAndVomit · 30/03/2023 19:05

mangoontoast · 30/03/2023 18:59

How do you get to speak for all heterosexual men??

Show quote history

😂😂 it’s the definition of heterosexual

Scousebloke · 30/03/2023 19:10

100% correct grindvomit

mangoontoast · 30/03/2023 19:11

GrinAndVomit · 30/03/2023 19:05

😂😂 it’s the definition of heterosexual

Show quote history

So no heterosexual man has ever been bi-curious? Ever? Any that was is clearly gay according to you and others. Noone has ever experimented securely unless they were actually bi or gay? I think it's you that deserves the laughing emoji for your naivity.

ToBeOrNotToBee · 30/03/2023 19:12

You'd be surprised how many men are bisexual or even bicurious.
I've dated 2.

At least he's honest with you.

Weallgottachangesometime · 30/03/2023 19:13

What exactly is the difference between bi curious and bi sexual. Surely if you have any feelings towards the opposite too that would just be Bi wouldn’t it?

Waydown · 30/03/2023 19:13

Surely a man who has relationships with women and seeks hook ups with men is what bisexuality is. I don't think it's possible to be straight and seeking sex with the same sex. I really can't see anything controversial in Scousebloke's post

GrinAndVomit · 30/03/2023 19:14

mangoontoast · 30/03/2023 19:11

So no heterosexual man has ever been bi-curious? Ever? Any that was is clearly gay according to you and others. Noone has ever experimented securely unless they were actually bi or gay? I think it's you that deserves the laughing emoji for your naivity.

Show quote history

People who have consensual sexual relationships exclusively with people of the same sex are homosexual. People who have consensual sex with people of both sexes are bisexual. People who have consensual sex exclusively with people of the opposite sex are heterosexual.

People who have had sexual relationships with people of the same sex in the past but are now in a long term relationship with someone of the opposite sex are still bisexual.

Mixkle · 30/03/2023 19:14

Thst would be such a massive turn off for me that I couldn’t get past it.

GrinAndVomit · 30/03/2023 19:16

GrinAndVomit · 30/03/2023 19:14

People who have consensual sexual relationships exclusively with people of the same sex are homosexual. People who have consensual sex with people of both sexes are bisexual. People who have consensual sex exclusively with people of the opposite sex are heterosexual.

People who have had sexual relationships with people of the same sex in the past but are now in a long term relationship with someone of the opposite sex are still bisexual.

Show quote history

Also, this is a man who sought out and had sex with another man, not once, but on three separate occasions.
He is not heterosexual.

Why is it so offensive to say he is bisexual? Why are you so opposed that fact @mangoontoast ?

TomatoSandwiches · 30/03/2023 19:19

I was in a relationship like this, he turned out to be gay and lied a lot, he had issues and I felt used in the end so it was a question I since asked at the beginning of any potential relationships after that particular one.

It would bother me and I would end a relationship if it was something that I discovered down the line.

ditalini · 30/03/2023 19:23

Op, did you not ask any questions or did he not give any information when this came up?

Surely it wasn't:
"I went on Grindr after my divorce and pulled three guys"

"Oh ok. Do you want another beer?"

supravit · 30/03/2023 19:27

Pinkbonbon · 30/03/2023 17:57

Id assume it maybe didn't work out with his wife as he had been living a lie. Is actually gay or at least, wants to sleep with men,but couldn't do that whilst married.

So got out, diddled around a bit but now needs another woman so he can look respectable (aka: a beard). And his little reveal was to test how you feel about him sleeping with men. Wondering maybe if you arent bothered with that...maybe you might not also mind him having sex with men on the side perhaps. Or maybe it was a drunken tiny step admission as he's still wrestling with the idea of being gay and can't admit it, even to himself.

Or he's bisexual and perfectly capable of being in a monogamous relationship with a woman, as post bisexual people are.

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