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Original poster

Would this bother you? I feel like it shouldn't but for some reason it is

272 replies

Blushingm · 30/03/2023 17:28

Been with bf a year.

We were both drunk last night......he told me that when he split from his wife he joined Grindr and hooked up with men on 3 occasions.

He was married 23 years - met her at 18

I'm not sure if I'm feeling weird as he hooked up as that's not his usual thing or that i feel weird because they were men?

He'd slept with 2 women before his wife and then me (he dated someone before me but didn't sleep with her)

I think I'm being unreasonable feeling odd about it.....could also be that I'm worried he likes men more than women so I can't compete

OP posts:
PinkSyCo · 30/03/2023 22:40

It would seriously bother me!!!

supravit · 30/03/2023 22:42

SchoolTripDrama · 30/03/2023 22:38

How?!?!?!?!?! Since when is suggesting that a man who has sex with men, may possibly attracted to men, a phobia?!?!?

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It's the suggestion that bisexual men are secretly gay and using women as beards!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 30/03/2023 22:46

It would bother me.

Crazyinlove123 · 30/03/2023 22:52

Yep, there is no right and wrong if you find something a turn off. I couldn’t be with a man that had slept with a man.

TedMullins · 30/03/2023 22:58

Eyerollcentral · 30/03/2023 22:00

Where’s the biphobia? Do you not think people are entitled to have sexual preferences with regard to their partner? If not why not?

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People are allowed to have preferences. Doesn’t mean they’re not rooted in biphobia.

BurNishLeathEr · 30/03/2023 22:59

peachgreen · 30/03/2023 22:04

Oh and the posters suggesting he’s more likely to have an STI, or repressed, or in the closet… yeah. Biphobia.

OP is absolutely entitled to end her relationship for absolutely any reason. Her right to do that overrides anything else. But understanding that her feelings could be rooted in biphobia is also important.

As a heterosexual woman, I wouldn’t set out to hurt or offend, or be disrespectful of anyone else’s choices, but I will risk being biphobic if it means protecting my sexual health.

There are plenty of gay men in the closet who are married to women. I disagree that stating this fact is biphobic.

”Anyone can get HIV but some groups or parts of the world are more likely to be affected. In particular, men who have sex with men and black African people are disproportionately affected”

Is it biphobic to quote the Terence Higgins Trust?

Nightlystroll · 30/03/2023 23:02

pncr · 30/03/2023 22:36

Regular gambler is a negative

Alcohol issues is a negative

Credit card debt is a negative

Being bi is just a sexual orientation

But if it's not the orientation my partner has portrayed they are, I'd expect to be told. Because to me sexual orientation is important. It might not be to you - we're,all entitled to a personal opinion. But if it's so unimportant, why not just be upfront about it from the first sexual experiences within the relationship? Those that aren't bothered would just shrug it off. Those that have a problem can pause whilst they think about it.

Nightlystroll · 30/03/2023 23:03

TedMullins · 30/03/2023 22:58

People are allowed to have preferences. Doesn’t mean they’re not rooted in biphobia.

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Equally, it doesn't mean they are.

pncr · 30/03/2023 23:03

@Nightlystroll my partner has never asked so I assume it's not important to him.

If he asked I'd tell the truth.

MyStarBoy · 30/03/2023 23:04

It would repulse me and it would be over.

pncr · 30/03/2023 23:06

I haven't not been up front about it. It has never come up in discussion. I haven't hidden it. But equally it hasn't been something he's brought up for discussion.

I genuinely don't get the big deal about it and it wouldn't bother me one way or the other.

BlackBarbies · 30/03/2023 23:07

3 times? No thanks

TedMullins · 30/03/2023 23:08

Nightlystroll · 30/03/2023 23:03

Equally, it doesn't mean they are.

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Saying you find it repulsive/gives you the ick/is less manly/means he might have a disease/secretly be gay etc is definitely biphobia!

Eyerollcentral · 30/03/2023 23:08

Nightlystroll · 30/03/2023 23:03

Equally, it doesn't mean they are.

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How? What do you mean by that? If as a woman you are only attracted to heterosexual men does that make you biphobic? Do you think the desire to have relationships only with heterosexual men make a woman biphobic? What does your statement actually mean in practical terms?

Eyerollcentral · 30/03/2023 23:09

Eyerollcentral · 30/03/2023 23:08

How? What do you mean by that? If as a woman you are only attracted to heterosexual men does that make you biphobic? Do you think the desire to have relationships only with heterosexual men make a woman biphobic? What does your statement actually mean in practical terms?

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Sorry @Nightlystroll somehow I responded to you when I meant to respond to @TedMullins

Weallgottachangesometime · 30/03/2023 23:09

The thing I think is mainly being overlooked is that he told op this while he was drunk. That seems odd to me. He clearly spoke about his ex before, why only mention the male partners when he is drunk?

It is that aspect of it that would concern me, rather than the having slept with men itself.

pncr · 30/03/2023 23:10

Weallgottachangesometime · 30/03/2023 23:09

The thing I think is mainly being overlooked is that he told op this while he was drunk. That seems odd to me. He clearly spoke about his ex before, why only mention the male partners when he is drunk?

It is that aspect of it that would concern me, rather than the having slept with men itself.

But the males were hook ups not partners in the sense of relationship?

pizzaHeart · 30/03/2023 23:13

But honestly, some things aren’t worth analyzing too hard. It bothers you. It would bother me. I think it might well kill my sexual attraction to a partner stone dead.
I absolutely agree with this. It would bother me and it would be the end of relationship, without any anger just quick friendly wave towards the door and then I would urgently visit STI clinic.
It’s what he has told you I wonder how much is still untold.

Ponderoveryonder · 30/03/2023 23:14

I’d be out the door faster than my legs would carry me. But that’s my personal preference, others may feel differently. What’s important are your personal relationship boundaries.

Eyerollcentral · 30/03/2023 23:16

pncr · 30/03/2023 23:10

But the males were hook ups not partners in the sense of relationship?

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So???

Weallgottachangesometime · 30/03/2023 23:16

pncr · 30/03/2023 23:10

But the males were hook ups not partners in the sense of relationship?

Show quote history

Yea I suppose that could be the reason he only mentioned them when drunk.

Hard to know without a wider context of the conversation.

you get what I mean though. Having had sex with a man isn’t an issue for me. Possibly having not worked out your own sexuality or not to yet be open about it would. Which sounds kind of mean now I write it out, but I couldn’t be bothered with the hassle.

pncr · 30/03/2023 23:17

@Eyerollcentral because I haven't discussed the people I hooked up with for ONS with my partner and I don't feel any need to.

Nightlystroll · 30/03/2023 23:20

pncr · 30/03/2023 23:03

@Nightlystroll my partner has never asked so I assume it's not important to him.

If he asked I'd tell the truth.

You're assuming it's not. And you're probably right. But I think the onus is on the person to reveal the truth, rather than on the ignorant partner having to stab around in the dark asking questions to get to the truth.
Most people, if it's been portrayed to them that their partner is only interested in the opposite sex, or indeed the same sex, will assume that that has always been their sexual practice. By not being forthcoming with the truth, the partner is, in effect, being denied the opportunity of making up their own mind about how they feel about it. And, indeed, denied the opportunity of saying they don't have a problem with it.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 30/03/2023 23:21

Bi phobia. 😵‍💫 That’s a new one to me.

It seems that every instinctive or personal preference which involves not liking or wanting to participate in some activity or belief is now a phobia , and should be criticised, shamed or even prosecuted , to the greater glory of the ‘cool’.

‘I don’t much fancy a bloke who has casual sex with other blokes ‘. ‘Oooo bi phobic, it’s the stocks and the ducking stool for you, you horrible normie.’

🌰 🤦🏻‍♀️🌰

Eyerollcentral · 30/03/2023 23:25

pncr · 30/03/2023 23:17

@Eyerollcentral because I haven't discussed the people I hooked up with for ONS with my partner and I don't feel any need to.

That’s up to you, however if you are in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship it would be pretty much assumed that the person you are going out had the same sexuality as you. If they say they are bisexual, no probs, you decide if you want to continue. If they tell you when drunk as soon as I got out of my heterosexual marriage I immediately went on grindr looking for men and I hooked up with a few that isn’t remotely the same as saying when I was single I (as a woman in a heterosexual relationship) shagged a few men I didn’t see again. The difference is as soon as he left his wife he explored men. That points to either a repressed sexuality or indeed that he was also seeking out men when married. He isn’t a straight man if he sought out male sexual encounters. He presented to the OP as a straight man. Whether he can process his sexuality or not isn’t her responsibility

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