Would this bother you? I feel like it shouldn't but for some reason it is

[Blushingm]

Been with bf a year.

We were both drunk last night......he told me that when he split from his wife he joined Grindr and hooked up with men on 3 occasions.

He was married 23 years - met her at 18

I'm not sure if I'm feeling weird as he hooked up as that's not his usual thing or that i feel weird because they were men?

He'd slept with 2 women before his wife and then me (he dated someone before me but didn't sleep with her)

I think I'm being unreasonable feeling odd about it.....could also be that I'm worried he likes men more than women so I can't compete

What do you mean portrayed? Do you think bisexuals should go around openly flirting with both sexes all the time and waving bi pride flags?

That’s up to you, however if you are in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship it would be pretty much assumed that the person you are going out had the same sexuality as you.

You might assume that, I wouldn't.

He presented to the OP as a straight man.

Presented how?

But not wanting to be with someone because they're bi doesn't mean you're phobic. It just means that's not how your tastes run. If someone was openly gay and then they decided they wanted to go out with a heterosexual, is that heterosexual person phobic if they're not interested in them?

My previous experience being in a relationship with a gay man who did use me as a beard led me to never assuming anyones sexuality.
Calling heterosexual people " normies " is not a helpful mind set, all orientations are normal there is obviously a spectrum.
If someone's sexual history and orientation is important to you and your preferences you should take that as your responsibility to ask or let these requirements be known when dating.

In situations such as the ops it is unfortunate but there is a learning curve with each new relationship, take it as an opportunity to look at what you want in a partner and what qualities, attitudes and past experiences you are and are not willing to deal with.

👍

Come off it. This infantile extreme position taking is bloody wearing for those of us who live in the real world. If you are a man in his 50s you should be able to say you know I have had sex with men as well as women and as soon as I ended my marriage I sought out men for sex, I am attracted to men and women. He didn’t. He went out with the OP for a year letting her believe he was heterosexual whilst knowing himself he wasn’t and only spilling the truth when pissed. If you are bi, you’re bi. I imagine that after a long marriage he missed a ‘wife’ which he wasn’t getting whilst hooking up with men. No one needs to wave a flag, they just need to be honest. Women will never stop falling over themselves to excuse men’s shortcomings when it comes to sex.

If you are wondering why he didn't tell you earlier on or why he may not feel fully comfortable being open about his hook ups you only have to look at some of the responses on this thread!

Equally there are many people and some on this thread where disclosing that information would mean nothing.

Unless he explicitly stated he's heterosexual then I can't see that he has done anything wrong.

Sorry what? He presented himself as a heterosexual man as he is in a heterosexual relationship. If he is bi he should have told her before now. It’s not rocket science. Most people are straight. So if you are in a relationship between a woman and a man it’s pretty safe to assume it’s a straight relationship 🙄🙄🙄

Wouldn't bother me at all, in all honestly I would find it quite exciting. But you do you.

Oh gosh. This is one of those things where I feel I should be OK with it but I'm not sure. I'm pretty sure I could 'be OK with' someone being bi. My fear would be that he's never had a relationship with a man so might want to later (just as he'd never had sex with a man but then wanted to). Maybe he needs to explore that before getting a regular partner. I'd also make it quite clear that cheating is cheating.
I've never quite got my head around this but there are groups of men who identify as 'men who have sex with men'. Now I would say, oh you mean gay, or possibly bi....but no, these men claim to be anything but gay, they just like sex with like minded men!?!?
I think what they mean is the enjoy casual sex, which is fine if its instead of a relationship. Problem is I suspect many want both, tinder hooks up for some hard dirty casual funking in a travel lodge or public toilet...girlfriend for homelike...that would be my fear. Eyes wide open!

Me too.

I would choose 100% not gay.

He is bi then.

Ok. The vast majority of people are straight. It is completely reasonable as a woman going out with a man to consider him heterosexual unless he tells you otherwise. The onus is on the man to say actually I’m not heterosexual.

I was just going to say this but you used the exact word I was going to - cool. It's like we can't even have the right to say who can enter our own bodies because we might offend them. Instead we have to be cool with everyone else doing their thing at the cost of the personal autonomy of our own body just so we don't get accused of being phobic.
I don't know if I'd have a problem being in a relationship with a bisexual but I'd expect honesty about it so I could make up my own mind instead of just being expected to conform to thinking a certain way.

Theres nothing wrong in exploring your sexuality! And no it’s not something you tell someone early on!

He explored, he’s moved on. That doesn’t make him bi.

Once you just get your head around it you’ll likely be fine with it.

I have been in a similar situation with a partner. I asked questions then began to understand.

Not a problem per se but he needs to decide whether he wants a monogamous relationship and you are it (at least for now) or if he does have gay urges that he might still want to fulfil? Anyone in a relationship - straight or gay - can find other people attractive, but hopefully would never act on on it. That's life. But if he's still unsure about things then I think you could get very hurt.

I imagine there's no greater risk of a bi person cheating on their partner than a heterosexual person - if you are in love and want an exclusive relationship then fidelity should be a given. But if he has unexplored interests and is trying to be something he isn't, then you probably have a big red flag.

Will he talk about it all once sober? That is your best best, see if you can discuss, see the wood from the trees, and then take things from there. Good luck!

If someone has only ever talked about going out with women, I'd expect them to be heterosexual. Thars what I mean as portraying. That they're leading me to believe, by their words,and actions, that they are heterosexual when they're not.
With my friends, it's up to them what they reveal to me and I couldn't care less what their orientation is. But if I'm forming a longterm relationship with someone, I expect them to be upfront about their sexuality. It might make no difference how I feel making a future with them, but I believe I have a right to know about their sexual orientation.

YANBU it would bother me too.

Have you asked him if he'd like to do it again? Have you asked him why he chose sex over dating/relationship?
Does he watch porn? What sort?

I'd be insecure with the knowledge (because it's not uncommon for gay men to identify as bi when in actuality they're gay). It sounds as though you have the same insecurity OP.
For me, it would have to be relationship over - for their good as well as my own; it's not fair to subject a partner to our insecurities.

I don't find the STDs men give each other hooking up off Grindr (and dogging and cottaging and in gay saunas etc etc) exciting.

He explored, he’s moved on. That doesn’t make him bi

If you 'explore" with the same sex, you are bi.

I don't know any heterosexual men who have "explored" with other men. Even did using it tends to make them green around the gills.

*Even discussing it tends to make them green around the gills.