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Original poster

Would this bother you? I feel like it shouldn't but for some reason it is

272 replies

Blushingm · 30/03/2023 17:28

Been with bf a year.

We were both drunk last night......he told me that when he split from his wife he joined Grindr and hooked up with men on 3 occasions.

He was married 23 years - met her at 18

I'm not sure if I'm feeling weird as he hooked up as that's not his usual thing or that i feel weird because they were men?

He'd slept with 2 women before his wife and then me (he dated someone before me but didn't sleep with her)

I think I'm being unreasonable feeling odd about it.....could also be that I'm worried he likes men more than women so I can't compete

OP posts:
BurNishLeathEr · 30/03/2023 19:28

It would bother me too op.

If he had told you when he was sober and he was calm and you could discuss why, then at least you would know it was something he had resolved or done for an experiment and regretted for example.

But the fact he came out with it when he was drunk sounds like something he has. been repressing.

Also, what is he expecting you to do with that information? Just ignore it?

Bluntly I’d be worried that he would be having an “official” relationship with you and then seeing men in a clandestine way for hook ups. And sorry but I’d be worried about the sexual health implications of that too.

Sorry op as this puts you in a difficult situation. And I think it’s a bit disingenuous on his part if he is expecting you to be all cool and dandy with it.

KnitFastDieWarm · 30/03/2023 19:38

Two important things here, as a bisexual person:

  1. If you find the idea of this man being bisexual to be a turn off, it’s your absolute right to end things. We can’t help our turn offs, and that’s fine.

  2. Bisexual people are not secretly gay, incapable of monogamy, less of a man/woman, obliged to ‘confess’ their preferences as if they’re a shameful secret, more likely to have an STI, or any of the other biphobic nonsense spouted by certain posters on this thread 😒

Jacketspudtunamayo · 30/03/2023 19:42

YANBU

2022again · 30/03/2023 19:42

Blushingm · 30/03/2023 18:13

I'm not sure he is bi, he's never said anything about finding men attractive or anything along this lines at all

It’s fairly likely that as he’s done this exploring with men a few times since his marriage break up he may well want to do this again….it’s a deal breaker for me as it would put me off sex with him but ultimately it’s whether it’s a deal breaker for you….male sexuality is such that men who sleep with men are possibly be more likely to go for one night stands?? What’s his attitude towards safe sex?If he’s not long out of a long marriage he may also not be fully into monogamy at this stage but only he and you can decide what the case is for your relationship. Are you someone who wants kids?

BarbedButterfly · 30/03/2023 19:44

I'm hi myself so it wouldn't bother me at all generally if he had been with men. However I would wonder why he waited so long to say anything

Jacketspudtunamayo · 30/03/2023 19:45

mangoontoast · 30/03/2023 18:59

How do you get to speak for all heterosexual men??

Show quote history

Because if you’re heterosexual then you’re straight..?

2022again · 30/03/2023 19:45

And @KnitFastDieWarm sexual behaviour and risk profiles for gay and bi men are most certainly different from heterosexual women ….it’s not wrong to know what you want as a heterosexual woman and many wouldn’t want to sleep with a bi man(and there’s nothing wrong with that nor anything wrong with being bi)

BurNishLeathEr · 30/03/2023 19:47

KnitFastDieWarm · 30/03/2023 19:38

Two important things here, as a bisexual person:

  1. If you find the idea of this man being bisexual to be a turn off, it’s your absolute right to end things. We can’t help our turn offs, and that’s fine.

  2. Bisexual people are not secretly gay, incapable of monogamy, less of a man/woman, obliged to ‘confess’ their preferences as if they’re a shameful secret, more likely to have an STI, or any of the other biphobic nonsense spouted by certain posters on this thread 😒

You make good points. The issue here is that it’s not clear whether op’s bf is bi-sexual or not, because he hasn’t discussed his sexuality with her until one year in to the relationship when drunk.

CambsAlways · 30/03/2023 19:47

Certainly bother me

Nightlystroll · 30/03/2023 20:06

Some people don't care about the sexual orientation of their partner and some people do. You're fully entitled to say that's not what I want in a partner and not feel bad about it.

Naunet · 30/03/2023 20:08

It’s perfectly fine for you to not want to date a bi man.

pncr · 30/03/2023 20:13

Why is a partner owed any explanation of my previous sexual encounters?

Pallisers · 30/03/2023 20:15

It would bother me and I would end it. But there are plenty of people who wouldn't be bothered by it. That's fine too. Attraction and sexual preferences are deeply personal. To me though, he is bisexual. I don't really get the bi-curious thing. Isn't being curious about sex with someone the same thing as wanting sex with someone?

BurNishLeathEr · 30/03/2023 20:18

pncr · 30/03/2023 20:13

Why is a partner owed any explanation of my previous sexual encounters?

‘Owed’ is a strong word. I’d say it builds trust if you are willing to share some basic facts. And that works both ways of course.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/03/2023 20:19

pncr · 30/03/2023 20:13

Why is a partner owed any explanation of my previous sexual encounters?

If you were starting to date someone and it was a question they asked you then it obviously has importance to them.
People have preferences which are entirely fine to have aren't they?

MyOwnVolt · 30/03/2023 20:21

It wouldn’t bother me.

Radi0 · 30/03/2023 20:22

Been with DH 25 years, he doesn't know I'm bi. It's just about who I'm attracted to. I don't have sex with anyone else, I'm faithful to my DH. Is that bad?

pncr · 30/03/2023 20:22

I've never asked my partner if he's bi or heterosexual and he has never asked me.

I've never asked him if he has had any homosexual experiences and he has never asked me.

I would not lie if he asked. But I don't understand why he is owned an explanation of my past sexual partners in any way shape or form

EBearhug · 30/03/2023 20:22

The fact he went with men wouldn't bother me that much, especially if he'd been with his wife since age 18. The fact he hadn't mentioned it at all in a year would, particularly as I'm usually fairly open about having been with women and swinging - because I want to know about behaviour that increases risks to my sexual health so I can make informed decisions.

I'd want to know if he'd used condoms and if he's had STI tests since (and am about the results of my own tests.) I'd also be uncomfortable with him being drunk when he told me, that he didn't do it sober, but I had an alcoholic mother and a whole load of issues around that, which you probably don't have.

But the key point is that you're not comfortable with it. This thread may have helped you understand why you're uncomfortable with it or not, but you are entirely free to feel that way, whatever the rest of us think, and only you can decide whether you want to continue with the relationship or not as a result.

something2say · 30/03/2023 20:24

Its interesting to me that women are allowed to be bi and that's OK but men - that's suddenly icky.

I feel this is a double standard and a slur on 'real men's sexuality.'

I have never had sex with a woman or kissed one or anything, but I do feel I am sort of bi, but in all these years if I have never acted on it, it can't be that strong an impetus. Even if I decided to try it, did try it, and stayed having relationships with men, I'm still me.

I feel this man is having to live up to women's stereotypes of what a real man is. When in reality, sexuality is a continuum and we are all somewhere on it.

THAT said, if she is turned off by an aspect of his sexuality, they are at different places on the spectrum I guess.

Not really that helpful!

TomatoSandwiches · 30/03/2023 20:26

pncr · 30/03/2023 20:22

I've never asked my partner if he's bi or heterosexual and he has never asked me.

I've never asked him if he has had any homosexual experiences and he has never asked me.

I would not lie if he asked. But I don't understand why he is owned an explanation of my past sexual partners in any way shape or form

You don't have to answer him, that's perfectly within your rights to say no but then he would be perfectly within his rights to end the relationship if he felt that strongly about it.

DoubleNegativePanda · 30/03/2023 20:27

I personally wouldn't care. I also don't feel that I need to provide my own full and detailed sexual history as a matter of fact in a relationship. I would imagine that the fact he tried it out and then started dating a woman means he was probably exploring his sexuality for the first time in his adult life and then decided it wasn't for him.

If a person is bothered, I don't think it automatically makes them homophobic or bigoted. It just means that perhaps that person isn't for you?

cartagenagina · 30/03/2023 20:28

Eh? Of course he is bisexual. He’s told you he is.

Heterosexual men don’t have sex with random hook ups multiple times.

If you aren’t bothered that’s fine, it’s nobody else’s business.

pncr · 30/03/2023 20:30

Also. I could see us getting tipsy some night (I'm not a big drinker) and me telling him when drunk that I'd had female sex experiences. I'd be more than shocked if he would dump me for that.

It wouldn't bother me if he had had a homosexual experience.

bombemma · 30/03/2023 20:45

Yep it would bother me, wrongly I know but gives me the ick. Politicly incorrect it may be but I am not attracted to men that shag other men

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